To all MBers,

This link will take you to a site that outlines the Stages of Loss. Infidelity is loss and we react to it not unlike other major losses in life ie the death of a loved one.

Read all of them but especially the Acceptance stage.

http://www.highlands.eclipse.co.uk/html/stepping.html

cwmac

Hi cwmac,

Thanks for the site.It is very similar to the stages of grief by Dr.Elizabeth Kubler-Ross for those dealing with death/dying.Much of it does apply to the "death" of a marriage too.I think I am in the acceptance stage,or trying to be! ugh.It's not easy that's for sure.

O

They may very well be the stages of grief and loss ...trouble is the stages arnt quite as static as that. The process of grief and loss is more fluid/liquid than anything.One stage one day another stage the next...four stages forward. One stage back and so on and so on....and thats the norm...rather than step by step by step until acceptance is reached ( or as I like to think that grief is now a part of who you are)..everyone is completely unique through-out the process

We all grieve differently and in our own time. Never once have I seen the process follow the stages...you meet the person where they are in their grief...never where you think they should be.

Cheers

Max

Very interesting. I can attest to the truth of the statement that loss of a marriage is very similar to the loss of a child. I have experienced those phases of grief 3 times in my life:

1. quit drinking alcohol in 1985 [this is really like a death]

2. H of 20 years left for another woman in 1999

3. 18 year old son killed in 1999

Of course the most devastating was losing my boy, but #2 ran a close second. The difference is that I have RECOVERED from the loss of my H and am pain free, whereas I will NEVER recover from the loss of my son. I will never be the same in my soul. The pain is always there to some degree and can still take my breath away.

That would be because...The process of grief and loss isnt confined to death....Its found everywhere......from girls losing their virginity...to loss of a relationship, being that man and wife or best friends ...grandmas growing a waistline..loss of employment...moving or immigration...the list goes on and on and on.

Max
PS.. Melodylane, I admire your strength.

<small>[ June 30, 2004, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: madmax ]</small>

Thanks guys.

BTW Madmax, you're right about the individualistc character of loss. Everyone's different. One person can start here then go there while another has a completely different progression.

I would have said that in my most but I thought the first paragraph covered it...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It would be easier if we simply stepped straight from one stone onto the next, but we do not. We get stuck, make leaps, turn back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">cwmac

cwmac,

Thanks for the link – it was very insightful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I especially appreciate the following part on forgiveness:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Forgiveness is difficult because it includes doubt, fear, anger, guilt, yearning and powerlessness. No wonder it is difficult, but it is also the path to healing! To analyse our loss reactions and those of other people can help us step by step to forgive.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me, the greatest lost to overcome was the lost of childhood innocence because of incest at a very young age. As child and young adult, the feelings of grief; anger; guilt etc. was tremendous and during my late twenties I could start to heal after I’ve done some intense emotional work on myself through IC. Only after I’ve confronted the responsible people and after they have shown true remorse and repentance, I could finally accept, forgive and let go.

From various people I know who have lost children and from various materials I’ve read about this subject, I’ve realized the biggest loss a person can ever experience is indeed the loss of a child.

Blessings,
Suzet

Thankyou for posting this link.

As with so many things over the years (and especially this last year) it found its way to me at just the right time in my journey.

Funny how that happens.

That was a really helpful link right now. Thank you.

Pam

It was more this next sentence.

then the creative way to handle that emotion is to move on down the list, not back up it. Otherwise, we get stuck in whirlpools of emotion.

Creative indeed, but not really realisitic.


and if I have missed any xyz's in my post...oopps my granddaughter is typing with me.


Max

bump for Boss

Bumping for InFaith and others. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />