Greetings. I posted here quite a bit about three years ago and found much comfort and helpful advice.

Long story short... My husband had an affair through my entire pregnancy, we separated, I began to go the legal route, he broke the affair up, wished to reconcile, I agreed, and we have been back together now for close to three years.

I can say that he is a changed man. Gone are the days that I worry where is and blow up if I can't get him on the phone. I trust him now and can say that our marriage is actually better. We both have lightened up and don't allow our disagreements to ruin an entire day or week.

So, now, why am I thinking of having an affair myself? I know I am playing with fire but almost enjoy keeping secrets from him. I have met someone that I like a lot and the feelings are mutual.

I am interested in knowing what you all think about why I am feeling this way NOW. I do think it has something to do with the fact that I miss that new love feeling and the sparks. Any thoughts would be most appreciated.

Don't do it!! Would you buy a new car every month just to get that "new car smell"? Your H messed up he repented and improved. You have a decent marriage and a (I'm sure) beautiful child. WHY MESS IT UP? And my friend, an A will mess it up.

I had an EA while my W was withdrawing from her OM. I'm sure that that's why I'm fighting a D and the same OM today. My attention and yours should be on the "we" of the marriage not the "me" I'd give anything to be where you are-still able to make a positive decision and paired with a S who still loves me.

Did I mention: DON'T DO IT? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I truly hope you're here to try to figure out why you're having these thoughts - and not truly contemplating whether or not to do it. Because if you do after all you've learned - the devestation, heartbreak, the injustice to your child etc... - then you've got HUGE problems that you will forever regret. It's one thing to find yourself in the middle of an affair - it's a WHOLE NOTHER thing to conciously make the decision to have one.

As to why you would feel this way - well, #1 it doesn't sound like you safeguarded your marraige against YOU having an affair. You're being secretive and sharing feelings of attraction with someone else. You don't think we ALL have feelings of attraction for other people?? What makes the difference between a safeguarded marraige, and one that isn't, is what you DO with those thoughts and feelings. When you allow yourself to dwell and dream about them, and when you go out of your way to see them, instead of out of your way to avoid them (thus avoiding temptation) the you are opening the door right up to having an affair.

I would think that possibly a touch of revenge, and some curiosity might play in as well.

We all have inappropriate thoughts and feelings from time to time - like people say "I THOUGHT about killing myself, or I THOUGHT about how I could hurt that person, or I FELT like running them over!!!" or whatever. Thinking it is one thing or feeling it is one thing - it's when you start putting inappropriate thoughts and feelings in to action when the line is crossed.

You've already crossed that line. You're having an EA (emotional affair). Stop now - or willingly destroy many peoples lives. Not a tough call as I see it.

Time to buy "His needs, her Needs" and get to work fulfilling each others emotional needs....You seriously need to initiate NC with the person u r attracted to. We all gte attracted to people, its thrilling and its exciting but if acted on IT RUINS LIVES. I know..Ive done it...

Ah..and DONT DO IT!

Lucy, DON’T DO IT!! You said your H is a changed man and you have a happy M. Please don’t destroy that now. Think of the damage and pain it will cause your dear H. You were a BS yourself…do you really want your H to go though the same pain? If you do this, your H will think you’re trying to get him back with a revenge affair… This will destroy all the work he has done to CHANGE; to become a better H and to show that he is totally committed to you and the M now.

You ARE already involved in an EA. You need to stop contact with this man before it’s too late…

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ August 04, 2004, 05:05 AM: Message edited by: Broken Vessell ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> do you remeber the pain u had in his A why would u wise that on a person u love u just said that the marriage was good.go to him love him,talk to him,tell him that u need a trip or someting do anything but a A it will destroy u and him please listen to every post above mine dont do it.

Lucy,,,
I myself had a revenge affair on my wife, a few weeks after I discovered her PA.
While me and my wife are starting to re connect with each other, when I get down and out, I also reflect on my ONS. It was a bad decision I just did it to please myself not help my marriage,,, A SELFISH ACT.
I can tell you that if me and my wife rebuild our marriage and 3 years from now one of us is tangled in another affair we are ending our marriage, it will be the ultimate deal breaker.
So let me put this in your head,, and remember it every time you are with this OM physically or emotionally you are choosing to end your marriage.
If anything I know that having an affair is the most pain you can inflict on your spouse, you know this to. Why try to go through it again? The odds are so against marriages that recover from a first affair and down the road another affair. This will be a deal breaker for your marriage. Ask yourself do you really want to lose your husband,, family.
Think it through,,,, and tell OM you cannot continue this EA you are having.
Hope you make the right decision.

well, you alreardy got a bunch of responses but in this case, i don't think you can hear it enough

Don't do it!!!

being a BS is bad enough, being the one who does the betraying damages your soul to the core!!!

please keep posting here, get into counsoling, TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. what would happen if you were to admit to him what was going on in your head, RIGHT NOW, before it gets too out of control. that is what you really need to do, let your husband in!!! talk to him about all of this, it will probably be hard but it is the only way to keep your marriage good. Isn't that what you ultimately want??

YOU CANNOT HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE if you do this.

love to you.

Lucy,

You've got alot of great responses here. And they all make sense. Hopefully, you'll get what you were looking for. On the off chance you haven't got that yet, look up the thread "Moving Forward" started by Runawaypot, I believe. Read it, and see the anguish that these women (FWW) are now going through. They are tormented by the guilt and shame of what they have done. They are tormented by images of the OM. You will not only be bringing this pain onto your husband but to yourself as well.

It's been three years now and things are good. How long has your marriage been good? It was probably close to 2 years before you got recovered? Do you want to go through that he!! again? Wishing you the best!

Good luck and God Bless!
RH

Lucy, I beg you to reconsider. If anything, at least you can understand why your husband did what he did three years ago. There's this excitement that we are at the beginning of a love affair, but that excitement is fleeting, FLEETING! Rekindle some feelings with your husband, at least give him the benefit of knowing that you are not satisfied in your current relationship. Read everything you can on the subject, talk with a therapist, talk with your pastor. Please don't do it.

Lucy,

I'll chime in here with Tere and say that you KNOW those infatuated tingly first encounter feelings do NOT last.At the most you may feel them for 2,maybe 3 years tops then what? On to the next guy?

I would venture to say that your recovery hasn't been so swell afterall if you are out involved emotionally with some other guy right now.Take a look at your marriage and see what's missing...then fix it.You know the answer doesn't lie with someone else.

O

Ditto 11 times.

Be excellent to each other.

All I've got to say is, you know the pain your H caused you when he had his affair and the struggles you went through.

Why would you want to inflict that kind of paining knowingly on your H?

You miss that new love feeling and the sparks?


"BUY A PUPPY" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Seriously.....Is this person that you have met married? If so how do you think you can carry the guilt of putting his wife what you yourself went through?

RUN,RUN as fast as your legs can carry you.

Oh yeah, and tell your H, after all he's been there and done that and I am sure he could be a wealth of help to you so that you don't make the same dumb mistake he did.

Good luck to you.
mtheart

Lucy - you need your own affair like a fish needs legs.

You need to analyze your M with your H and see what is missing. What is the OM giving you that he is not.

There are many FWW on the board, we are all miserable with ourselves and our actions. We can all tell you, our A's were the biggest mistakes of our lives.

It will not solve anything for you, it is a temporary relief that will cause much heartache not only to your H, but to yourself.

An A is the ultimate betrayal. Talk to your H, tell him how close you are to making it a PA, sounds like it is all ready an EA.

Please let our mistakes help you. It is so not worth it Lucy. I will never be the same person I once was.

KY

Let's see... I believe the overall theme is... DON'T DO IT!

I so appreciate the time and thought that each of you put into your post. This really touches me and quite honestly, I expected maybe one or two responses.

It is true that something obviously must be missing in my marriage for me to want this. Honestly, I enjoy the attention and validation that I am, indeed, attractive to someone. Yes, I know there may be something wrong with that.

To clarify, this man is not married. It may sound warped, but I, indeed, would never put another woman through what my husband put me through.

I agree that I should give my husband the chance to understand my feelings and needs; however, a huge part of me keeps reminding myself that he never gave me that chance.

I also feel that this is harmless and no one would know the difference. I am being honest in stating that. This man doesn't want to marry me and take care of my kids. I don't want to marry him either.

Again, thank you. Quite honestly, this situation is very tempting for me.

Lucy,,,
Your last post contradicts your first post.
you state your marriage is good and fully recovered from the first affair.
Apparantly it has not you are reflecting on it as justification to start your own affair.

OM i knew was single too (i understand the now wanting to be an OW thing) and hw was 14 yrs younger than me and just like you said, it was not about wanting to be with each other long term either.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This man doesn't want to marry me and take care of my kids. I don't want to marry him either.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but you are so very very wrong when you say it is harmless!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I agree that I should give my husband the chance to understand my feelings and needs; however, a huge part of me keeps reminding myself that he never gave me that chance.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">isn't that the same huge part of you that knew how WRONG your H was for doing that?? and now you want to do it? does that really make sense?? is that the kind of person you want to be??

please think about those questions. this is harmful to YOU (and your marriage) but what you really are not seeing is how harmful it will be to YOU.

unless you think you will never feel bad about your actions....

do you really think those actions that you are so tempted to do are consistent with who you want to be?? are you willing to give up your morals? that is what you will be doing.

Lucy....my husband had a revenge PA after discovering I had had a PA. he thought this would help him to get over it. Instead it compunded his problems and his guilt feelings.

At the moment u r on the moral high ground. U found it within yourself to forgive your husband. Not everyone has this capability. You might end up with no husband , no lover and and as a single parent.

I beg you not to do this Lucy. Please listen to us. We have been there. Give your marriage a chance...it can get better. tell your husbandf about your feelings and ask him to read HNHN with you. That way you can fall in love all over again but with your husband!