Oh gosh, it's been a year and I want to stop having this 'fear'.

I guess I am still insecure.
I had a most stressful week. I handed in my resignation letter and asked for an early release. Because my notice was so short, I spent extra hours at the office trying to finish as much work as I can, handover the rest to my colleagues, cleared my desk and said my goodbyes. Was very very guilty for abandoning my co-workers, friends and lunch partners.

I started at the new job without a break. Tons of work to take over and new stuff to comprehend, little sleep. By the end of the week, I was a shaky, migrained neurotic wooz. FWH came to pick me up for dinner...

1st trigger--> H tells me he is going abroad for three days next weekend, on a work conference. I am definitely not happy about this. He wasn't around last weekend (went home to see his mother in another town) and the weekend before last, he was at a pub. During the A, he was giving many excuses to go away with OW during weekends, and these excuses, of course, was work conferences, training and market visits. We are separated, he lives like a bachelor and I am afraid of being cheated on again.

2nd trigger--> someone adjusted the passenger seat.
I've always taken my H's passenger seat as MY seat. Now I know he's had many OWs in that seat too and my mind flew.

3rd trigger --> we went to a shopping mall for dinner. Saw many young girls with small tight tops, short skirts and heavy makeup. Not good.. there are so many of them, how can H ever keep his eyes and hands of them? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

4th trigger--> we walk by a japanese restaurant I've always wanted to try, but never did because H's friends say 'don't bother', the food there sucks. I just wanted to try out of curiousity... what's the harm? Why does H always listen to his friends? Why are their opinions so important?

The evening just got worse and by the time I got into the car, I burst into tears, sobbing, shaking, hiccuping all at the same time... is it the stress at work or is it just the memory of the A? Or both?

How does one keep oneself from reacting to triggers? I feel crazy and helpless.

I'm not sure if this will work or not for you, Ruffled. But there is a school of thought that says that, to get over something that is emotionally hurtful, continued exposure can contribute to deadening the pain you feel.

It's like the use of offensive epithets. Sometimes, members of groups that have been the target of racial or other slurs adopt the offensive words and self-apply them. This has the effect of neutralizing the offense or dehumanizing effect of the word. Basically what they're doing is "reclaiming" the word -- taking it from being a word used by an oppressor to one that is so commonplace that it has no power anymore.

I'm not sure I did this intentionally; more like a side result. The apartment I moved into (and still live in) after moving out of the marital home is located two blocks away from the building where OM#2 lived when TBXW was screwing him. I walk by it quite often. I know what went on there. But, after walking by it enough times, its nature isn't forgotten but it has much less power than it once did. Effectively, I've gone a long way towards "reclaiming" the neighbourhood, rather than letting it remain the province of my memories of TBXW and that piece of sh*t.

Obviously you can't, and shouldn't, do this with every trigger. Your FWH's business trips are another matter, and you should really question whether or not enough time has passed since D-Day to make his business trips an acceptable part of your married life. And it hasn't, then he should respect your wishes that he not travel overnight without you, until such time as you are feeling better about the idea.

But, some things -- like the passenger seat, or the teenagers -- will fade with time and continued exposure. It will be difficult, but it will steadily get easier.

Ruffled,
HI, its been a year for me too and i still have this fear also, I have found out about contunied contact w/ow from my h but still i have an intense fear , like I still think he talks to Ow at work. or if I see someone of her ethinic group (very unique) it hits me etc. i hope theese fadewith time b/c I hate the sting i contunie to feel!

Are you spending the suggested 15 hours a week together? Doesn't sound like it. I think that would help.

Ruffled,

This is my 2¢.

Changing job is one of the top streesful event in one's life. It is normal that it brings other emotions to surface as well. It is not the emotions but how you react and identify the event is important.

Now about your worry .... bring it up and don't let it sit in ... DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1st trigger--> H tells me he is going abroad for three days next weekend, on a work conference. I am definitely not happy about this. He wasn't around last weekend (went home to see his mother in another town) and the weekend before last, he was at a pub. During the A, he was giving many excuses to go away with OW during weekends, and these excuses, of course, was work conferences, training and market visits. We are separated, he lives like a bachelor and I am afraid of being cheated on again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let him know that this trigger and let him MAKE YOU FEEL SECURE about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2nd trigger--> someone adjusted the passenger seat.
I've always taken my H's passenger seat as MY seat. Now I know he's had many OWs in that seat too and my mind flew.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask him who has adjusted this seat ? not in acusatory manner bu ask him for info.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3rd trigger --> we went to a shopping mall for dinner. Saw many young girls with small tight tops, short skirts and heavy makeup. Not good.. there are so many of them, how can H ever keep his eyes and hands of them? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did he stare and gawk at them ?. Sorry ... I have no comment on this disrespecful behavior but to let him know about this LBed!.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">4th trigger--> we walk by a japanese restaurant I've always wanted to try, but never did because H's friends say 'don't bother', the food there sucks. I just wanted to try out of curiousity... what's the harm? Why does H always listen to his friends? Why are their opinions so important?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just go w/ or w/o him !. Try it it give some power back to you. He could be controled by his freind's oppinion but you have a choice !.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How does one keep oneself from reacting to triggers? I feel crazy and helpless. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are doing great to be able to identify the triggers many prople can't. Now doing nothing is a reaction to trigger <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . However it is even better if you choose healthier reactions to it. The above reactions just my suggestion .... there are many others <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Take control ... the carzyness and stress will run away from you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

-rh-

<small>[ July 03, 2004, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

One of the best ways I dealt with triggers was to talk to H about them. Also, the more secure I felt in the marriage, the less triggers bothered me. When I felt threatened, there were more triggers.

Time heals but only if there are positive gains being made in your relationship. If the FWS continues in A-like behavior - well you know the saying... "Where there's smoke, there's a fire."

Thank you, everyone, for the helpful answers.

H and I have fixed Wed and Fri evenings, Sat and Sunday afternoons as our time. Almost 15 hours if he doesn't go away on weekends.

RDog, you are saying get used to those triggers till you are immune. Will I get so immune that I will miss those signs if A happens again? I worry. I hate the fact that I have been blinded by his lies.

Redhat, I've enjoyed reading your past posts and am happy that you responded to mine:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Let him know that this trigger and let him MAKE YOU FEEL SECURE about it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ay, there is a communication problem with us. H tells me he loves me, and will never do anything to hurt me again, but I find it hard to believe him. Deep inside, I feel he hasn't been remorseful and his words and promises don't convince me now. H has made a lot of empty promises in the past. He tries to assure me of never having an A again... but I am just too fearful of being hurt this way. I haven't learnt how to trust, and he hasn't learnt how to gain trust again.

However, I have had a good two days' rest this weekend, and am ready to go back to work tomorrow. I have a high desire to make it at my new job. I need to proove myself for the next six months-- there's a bonus hanging there for me in April next year, and I need the money.

I found some new houses for sale. H and I went to take a look together. We both liked the houses, the location, and the price is right. H is going to see if we can ballot for one. See, actually, if we put our heads together, we can agree on almost anything.

Ruffled,

Tune to Warning Sign by Cold Play and listen to the lyrics, I like that song.

Communication is numero uno. You have to learn how to let him know about your feeling w/o him being threathen or pressured to do anything. Current emotional honesty is crucial in rebuilding trust via Emotional Intimacy.

We are created to long for intimacy ... mind, body and soul to become one. Until we can unite our self into one flesh we will never reach fulfilling married w/ our loved one.

Meanwhile don't look for signs but communicate your worry ... let him EARN YOUR TRUST. Intimacy requires vulnerability. Volnurebality is often confused with weakness, b/c it means that one could be hurt. In reality vulnerability is the opposite of weakness for it requires strength and courage to risk openness.

Getting a house together is nice but you need to resolve this relationship issues before you plunge yourself to add financial issues. JMHO

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> RDog, you are saying get used to those triggers till you are immune. Will I get so immune that I will miss those signs if A happens again? I worry. I hate the fact that I have been blinded by his lies. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey Ruffled... no, I don't think it will result in you missing the signals next time around. By "immunity", I mean immunity from the ongoing agony you feel when exposed to those triggers.

It's like the A itself. You will never forget what he did to you. But you will reach a point where it no longer makes you angry or sad when it crosses your mind. Becoming immune to the triggers simply means deadening the pain they cause, so that you can tolerate their existence. That shouldn't impede your ability to see them if there is a next time (God forbid).

Thank you RDog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Redhat... Communication-- I long to hear H's heart. I don't know what has happened to us. We no longer share like we did before. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />