Yikes! Get some legal advice on how to keep this homewrecker out of your home.

Haywire

You will be hearing and finding out many little stinkbombs such as the one your friend told you about the doors being locked. This A sounds like it's been going on for awhile. Every new discovery can bring back the pain. You will reach the point in a few months where the bombshells don't hurt as much, I promise.

Your friend's comment doesn't really prove anything at this point. I know he was trying to help...

Talking to your friend reminds me of another thing you need to work on...EXPOSURE...

Expose this A to EVERYONE you know. Do not skimp on this part. Not only will you get the support you need, it will expose their nastiness to the light of day. This will help to burst their love bubble. The secret will be out...it will put pressure on them to hide even more. That's not too romantic...

About exposure...
MIL and I are very close. We've been through a lot together and I know that she will believe me and will be upset with her son. But I'm not sure if I should burden her with this because she recently battled thyroid cancer and is not in the best of health. I do want to talk to her. Should I?

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: haywire ]</small>

I know it sounds really hard right now, but full disclosure to the world is absolutely necessary. If you two are close, it will be that much easier. Don't expect anything of her though, you never know how the IL's will react. Some take your side, some take his side, some are neutral. I've seen it all on these boards.

He will not like the exposure AT ALL, Haywire. He will become angry and try to tell you to stop. Do not help him keep his dirty little secret anymore. The light of day will burn off some of the allure. Don't tell him you plan to tell his mother. It'll be a nice little surprise.

Many here believe that if the WS gets pissed, you've done something right!

Thanks What,
I will call her today.

DD just drove by the OW's house (50 miles away) and he's there. She took a picture of his truck in the driveway.

Just had a long talk with my MIL. She was very supportive and loving. She loves her son but she loves DD and me too, and she understands.

She said that she won't tell anyone, but I told her to please tell whoever she wants.

Okay, you now know what is going on for sure. Let him stay with OW, and get legal help to keep her away from your home.

Then you need to work on making your home and life very pleasant. Time to take care of you. Often when they are with OP for a time, things don't work out. But time to take back your power.

Well, no surprise he is at her house. Typical for his ilk. Just hang in there. He will miss you soon enough. He has made one helluva mistake. You sound like a wonderful woman. Unless she is the light of his world, he will wake up from his fog.

It's not going to be easy for you, but you need to try your hardest to follow Plan A. Have you read about it yet?

You may start wondering and wondering about what they are doing...try not to think about it! They are doing the unspeakable...betraying themselves and their families.

I'm glad you spoke with your MIL. She sounds sweet. Keep in touch with her as much as possible.
Please take good care of yourself.

Thanks Believer and What,
Everyone keeps telling me I need to take care of myself now...Hearing it is good. I will.

I think home life can become very pleasant now. Getting rid of the bad karma will do wonders for us. DD wants to continue the business. She's very capable and has a great group of friends that will help her. The poor kid has been working for years in the midst of WH and the jealous OW....the OW is very jealous of DD and was deceitful behind her back in the business, as clients have told us.

About Plan A...I've been following it and will continue to stay calm and avoid LB's. But I won't be working toward saving the marriage. I think he's a sociopath -- his mother actually used that word about him today, and that's what the MC we saw years ago said.

haywire - Who knows what is in your husband's mind? But I do know that you need to make your home a wonderful place for you and daughter. Let WH do his thing. Go on with your life.

I have been following your thread and just want to say I am soooo happy that this has finally happened!

You and daughter can now have a home filled with love, peace, truth and hope.

Very, very pleased to see this.


Weaver

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by haywire:
<strong>But I won't be working toward saving the marriage. I think he's a sociopath -- his mother actually used that word about him today, and that's what the MC we saw years ago said. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">haywire, this is what I wondered myself, given your H's complete lack of remorse at being caught this morning. Not to mention that it takes a special kind of depravity to carry on an affair for YEARS right in the same house with one's W and D. They usually are sociopaths when they are this craven and cruel. That is why I am scared for you. I don't get the sense that he feels any empathy for other people, which makes him very dangerous.

I am so sorry that it turned out like this, but so very happy that you KNOW what has been going on and can move forward. Thank God, haywire. Please just be brave and strong now and protect yourself. If you feel wobbly, come here and let us support you.

Haywire,

I am a WW. However I tend to agree that your H may be sociopathic, or at the least very disturbed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I had an A at my workplace, but I would NEVER have had the kahunas to bring it into my house where my H and children live.

So even as a WW, I think, "GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!" that you are making a new and more comfortable life for yourself and your D as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have watched my own mother for 30 years, make her life and the lives of everyone around her, including and especially me (because I am so much like my father), totally and absolutely miserable because my father had an A when I was 5 years old!!

So even though I do understand that it may be totally crushing you, I am TRULY happy for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Best luck to YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 07:20 PM: Message edited by: screwed up royally ]</small>

haywire

You've done a great job so far. We are very proud of you.

Things are moving very quickly right now, and I know a million thoughts are flying through your head.

You are getting great advice. Melody Lane is one of the best on these forums, and I'm thrilled she's "with" you.

I would only caution you on one thing. Moving too fast to end the marriage. It may be true your WH is a sociopath, and this may have been going on for years, but, you need to take a bit of time and let all of this soak in, and work through some of the shock and hurt, and decide what you want when your feelings have leveled out.

I would recommend you play this out for a little while, and see what WH reactions will be. Go ahead and see your lawyer and get legal advice, and above all else, protect yourself. Your WH may snap like a twig in a hurricane, and pour the truth out to you in the very near future, and then you will have more to make decisions on regarding the future.

You know better than anyone what is best for you, and the crux of my suggestion is to really think this through before you make any lifechanging decisions.

Pulling for you

SD

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 07:40 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Thanks much, SD. Excellent points! I agree 200% with what you said. It is way too soon to make a decision about divorce, but not too soon to make sure she is financially protected.

I just want to thank you all so much. You've all been so helpful, I can't even explain it. I hope you know. You've helped me stay on the right path and I know there's a long way to go. Don't worry, I won't do anything too quickly. I just know that there's no way to continue living with him.

I am one more person who is following this thread of yours Haywire.

I am going to be thinking of you and wishing you strength and smarts to see you through this situation.

You go!

Thanks pickles. It really helps to have yours and everyone's support.

Even though today was one terrible day, it was also a great day. My stomach is finally un-knotted. I feel free to get on with what needs to be done. And verification that I'm not a lunatic. More than once today DD said, "see, you were right" and "you're NOT crazy". I knew I wasn't crazy, but it was a crazy way to live. Especially the last month, but also the last 20+ years.

The more I read about sociopaths the more concerned I am. Thankfully H has never been physically violent so I'm not too worried about that, but I hope this doesn't send him there. I know this is going to turn his world upside down and I hope the IC can help me communicate with him in the safest way possible. Thanks again to all.

Whats a Sociapath? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyway Haywire, I'm glad that you've been so decisive about showing WH that you don't want him around. Unlike the others, I'm not so sure your M is workable*. He also had that A with the 21 yo before this one. He's not exactly a good catch! It's really kool that he knows you aren't being Tammy Waynette (sp?) and "standing by your man", coz that's gotta make him think he's not as important as he thought he was. (nice measure of confidence undermining!!)

Also I think he's had it too good for too long, and he's not going to give up the girl. Though she might not find him so interesting if he's struggling financially. How old is she anyway?

Btw, how does your daughter intend to treat her father now? I kinda hope that she snubs him off for a while, to let it sink in what his OW has cost him.

*and 50 ain't nothing! Don't get the idea that 50 yo women are all washed up. There's plenty of middle aged men who want a lovely, intelligent, intereting, good woman to keep them company for the next 50 yrs. You'll be surprised how much interest there is out there, when you open your mind to it. I'm 51 and I don't feel old at all - as long as I don't wear my glasses when I look in the mirror (which is pretty easy coz I forget where they are most of the time!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Best if WH thinks he's burned his bridges!

Oh Haywire... Oh my God... I too, am following your story, and I am just speechless. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am also in awe of your strength, and admire you more than I can say. Thinking of you and your situation will help me at my next pity party!

Also, I would like to comment on PI's.

Years ago, a friend of mine used 2 different PI's to try to catch her WH. Both PI's were *totally* useless, and just milked her for money. She spent several thousand dollars on them, in a very short period of time.

She had told each one of them all she had regarding the situation. The first PI took her info, then over the course of a few weeks, he was always wanting more cash for "whatever", only to tell her in the end, that 'they' couldn't catch him leaving work because there were several exits that he could've taken, and that sitting there watching all the exits was boring!!

Same thing with the second PI, except that in the end, he took the info that she had given to him, and he just re-worded it and gave it back to her!

After those 2 PI's, there was no way that she was going to invest in a third one. In hindsight, those 2 PI's just preyed on desperate & vulnerable wives.

I'm guessing you won't be using your PI again, or maybe you will?, but maybe what I've written might help someone else too.

I'm amazed at how fast this entire situation unfolded. Also, since your H is at the OW's house, and he's not hiding that fact, I'm wondering if you *might* get the whole story from him.

And just as a fyi... I so agree with all of the advice that you're getting here. Please keep posting updates, for your own sanity & support, as well as those too shy to post.

You're in my prayers...

Isleepwithacat