faithin..

If things look like they will just turn in to a futile powerstruggle then there is really no point to it...

be prepared to bite your lip and listen listen listen to him....

ark

*bump*

bumping up for jwk

Bumpety bump bump . . . bump bump!

up up up

GREAT POST!!!

I wish this had been posted when I started my Plan A. It would have saved me a lot of confusion, and probably many mistakes.

But through it all, I still think Plan A does work.

A little while back (before Plan B) WH told me I was his rock. I don't think he would have said that 3 months earlier.

And when I Plan B'd him, he said that I have been nothing but GREAT thru this whold thing (When I let him know I was Plan B-ing him, he said "now lets be civil about this!" in a raised voice. I had been talking quietly and calmly. I said "I am being civil.").

Your posts should be required reading for all new comers to this site. It would sure save a lot of confusion and heartache.

Plan A/Plan B does work... Mainly because they give you A PLAN! Something most people in this situation do NOT have!

I think I'll print this whole thread out and keep it!

THANKS AGAIN!!!!! K72172

Bump

^^^Bump for TDVA^^^

^^^Bump^^^

^^^Bump^^^

Good bump. I would just like to say that Plan A has stopped my FWWs affair and presented us on the road to recovery after ten weeks. Living proof that it can work.

Ark....thanks for the plan a insight, really good post. If possible could you write some insight similiar to that on PLAN B.

thanks so much
A/C0810

I am placing a post from bobpure on to this thread because it was really really good...

here it is...

How do I negotiate an end to the A? Do I repeatedly ask her to end contact with him?

TDVA, you can't do a dam' thing to directly stop the affair. Nothing. Exposure can help enormously, but most affairs end sooner than you think of their own accord PARTICULARLY when exposed properly.

In Plan A you MUST constantly remind your WS how hurtful and humiliating it is to you for her to keep contacting OM when all you want to do is use your energy with her in restoring yoru Marriage.

I have used THESE words "When you contact OM it humiliates me quite knowingly in a way that I do not feel I deserve. I cannot force you to stop contact because I love you, but I want you to know how enabling it will be to restoring our M if you stop contacting OM, and how happy it would make me."

She didn't stop immediately but it petered out.

Do I offer up things for us to work on in our marriage together?

Nope. Ever tried building a treehouse ? Imagine doing it with one hand.... Until she admits in her HEART that the A is over, there IS no M rebuilding. All you should do is make sure all the tools you need are there, lookin' good and all the parts prepared.


Do I ask her what she'd like to work on in our marriage?

Sure, if you want her to lie to you. She wants to keep the marriage convenient but at arms length right now, and wants you to be less suspicious so she can cake-eat with OM. She'll tell you she's working on the Sistine chapel ceiling if it keeps you off her back to sneak with OM. Don't let MB procedures take your eye off the ball. MBstuff INCLUDING WS starts ONLY after the A ends and Withdrawal becomes bearable. Its all 'bout you till then, my friend. You are your family's pillar of sanity. A heroes gig.

It is NOT a LB to tell WS how you feel about flagrant emotional abuse or disrespect of you.

Plan A INFLUENCES but not EFFECTS the end of an A. When the A ends, your WW will look around and everything will be smashed - he whole life will be crap - everything except, after your plan A, you will have provided a suprisingly welcoming place for her, where she take take initial refuge and lick her wounds. You do that well enough she may even consider hopping aboard the TDVA train earlier than otherwise.

Don't be frustrated, the A WILL end, and plan A, although it feels passive is a PROVEN method of accelerating the end of affairs and to fast-path recovery afterwards.

Stick with it mate, back off from relationship talk, don't take ANY humiliation and be a calm, supportive catch that any woman would like. Make sure you do not neglect your own social life - get out there, dress up, smell nice, have a laugh. Make her realie the FACT that you ain't sittin' home crying waitin' on her caprice to turn yo' way.

ARK...

pingponging up

ark

Ok ark, you are the wisest, and I thank you for all of your info on Plan A. My question is this - will it work in the event that there is no affair at all? Can Plan A be applied to convince a partner to come back to a place where they felt annoying behaviours and lovebusters reigned supreme? I am certain that following Plan A will effect great personal change in my life. But can it create an atmosphere that is conducive to recovery when there is no affair at all?

Forgive me offering an opinion, when I have not yet had to resort to plan B, BUT from where I sit, with an apparrently successful Plan A behind me ( and still ongoing) the whole process makes sense now, like it didn;t to begin with.

Plan A is about making yourself a catch for ANY partner, with PARTICULAR attention paid to the stuff we did poorly prior to the A. Its also about providing an undeserved sanctuary and a 'nice place to live' for you, your kids AND your WS if they choose to return. Avoiding LBs is just to stop WS withdrawaing hurt before experiencing the plan A sanctuary.

Now it seems to me that a GOOD plan A is needed for plan B to work, but if an A is particularly immune to ending quickly, plan B REMOVES the new improved YOU, the sanctuary, the lack of LBs, the consistency from the WS life COMPLETELY until they choose to abandon the A and enjoy your benefits once again.

They are left ONLY with the A's offerings which are usually really crap and based on lies.

in short you build a lovely place and life for WS, then if they don't want it enough to quit the A after a while, you take it away. All of it.

Hope that helps.


* edited to say WOW! Ark quoted me.... * blush *

<small>[ September 27, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

i read this thread at least 4 times a week......it just helps me thorugh my day.

I just recently found this thread, and will be rereading it daily! Thank you for the excellent Plan A information, ark^^. I have been confused with my Plan A attempts (plus my WW is living 2 1/2 ours away from our 2 children and I, making it extremely difficult and painful).

I only wish I could have found this thread earlier. But its only been a few weeks since my WW wanted to split up, so its early yet. I'm going to stick with it as long as I have the strength, and the will power to do so.

I am TRYING to use Plan A to the best of my ability. I am semi-confused about it. Some people have mentioned really good threads on it...Do you know how I would find them?

Do you have sexual intercourse with your spouse during plan A if they are still in the affiar?

having sf with a WS is your call alone....communication about sex should be open and honest...what it means for you....clear boundaries.....
as long as you feel OK with it...then it remains your choice...
you need to evaluate if it does more harm...
and keep your finger on the pulse of what it means...and what it "really means"...

Do you call them to say a random "I love you"

nope nope nope....


When he says something like.. 'please don't call while I am at the OW house' or 'I have to be back at the OW house by 8 or she will be upset with me. What should my responce be?

you smile
you say...
oooh that's a shame....
sorry to hear that...
say REALLY?? hhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm
babble back....


Is it best that the WH know about MB?
nope....


ark

Dear Ark-

I wished I had found this post earlier. I have been in Plan A since August. I just exposed my WH A to OW parents this past weekend. He was very upset. I still want to go to our Pastor. But after what happened tonight I think its time to move to Plan B. I was late picking up our daughter from daycare becuase I was picking up our son from after school care. (I pick up the kids everyday. He basically lives a carefree life.) My sister who works at my daughter's daycare usually signs her out and I give my sister a ride home. I did not know my sister was not at work today, so they called my WH to pick her up. When I got there he made a huge scene in front of everybody about me being late. And when we got outside he started cussing me out in front of the children and calling me a *itch and so on and so forth. I couldn't even believe what he was doing. I told him I really don't think I can take this anymore, if he is going to be that disrepectful to me in front of our kids he needs to just leave. He doesn't need to set that kind of example to them. I admit I did raise my voice when I said this, but he made me so angry. Was this the right reaction or was it LBing?