I never thought it would happen to me. My world came crahing down a couple of weeks ago when my husband told me he had a one-night stand with a girlfriend from over 30 years ago. She was just ending a 20-odd year abusive relationship and being still friends she turned to him. They got drunk and you know the rest.
My husband travels a lot and I never had any worries or suspicions about him being unfaithful. We've been married almost 25 years, our daughter is on her own, our relationship was never better, very intimate, great sexually, always open and honest.
This thing happened 8 months ago. He said he could't bring himself to tell me sooner because he felt so guilty. But he couldn't live with it anymore and decided to come clean. When some of our friends were unfaithful with their spouses, I would always tell my husband if he ever did that to me I wanted to know and he would be gone so he knew the consequences.
I have a hot temper and when something upsets me I have a tendency to blow. Surprisingly, this time I didn't. He kept wanting me to say something. I told him my reaction was shock, I really didn't know what to say and I didn't know how to deal with it.
As luck would have it, an emergency came up that very afternoon of his confession and he had to fly out of town. I thought of asking him not to go but, surprisingly again, I didn't. After all, there was no bigger emergency that what I myself was facing. He asked me to go with him. I refused. Looking back, he didn't want me to be alone that night and he also knew the risk of never returning once he was gone. The last things I said to him before he left for the airport was my idea of marriage was zero chances and not to call me.
That night I spent alone and it goes without saying it was the worst night of my life. I was devastated because it took several hours for the numbness to wear away and for it to sink in. I had one-too-many vodka coolers and left several messages on his phone, having blocked out my number and waiting til he had turned it off. I only got about 2 hours sleep that night and phoned him again in the morning. He didn't listen to my messages because he said he felt bad enough what he'd done to me without hearing what he knew I'd be saying. I was calm and civil when I spoke and asked if the emergency was settled so he could come home and we could talk. He said he'd be in later that night.
That afternoon I sat down and wrote out a list of questions for him. I needed answers and if I was to get them I somehow knew I had to be rational and collected. I can't explain these thoughts and actions of mine. They were so out of character. I should have been flying off the handle. I wasn't willing to let our 24 years of marriage be reduced to a shouting match.
Just before he got on the plane, he phoned to see if I had changed my mind. I hadn't. I later got my answers to the list of questions, again very calmly and not in my nature in dealing with things. It was not a shouting match. He asked me why I wanted him to come home after the awful thing he had done to me. The one and only response I had was that although it had taken him months to confess, it still told me he was an honest man and there were no secrets between us. That meant a lot. There was too much time and effort invested in our 24 years together to just walk away without finding out the truth. I'm not condoning infidelity or what he did yet somehow in my state of mind at the time I saw a difference between "loving" for a night and loving for life.
I also asked him what he would have done if I had been the one who cheated. He said he would have walked, no questions asked, no explanation. He said he was really scared to tell me the truth and he has said he is very, very sorry. He said he's never been unfaithful until 8 months ago and he hasn't been unfaithful since. [He still talks to her -she phones him- but he's made it very clear things will never get that far again. Their 30-year friendship remains but nothing more.]
We've talked for hours and he really seems serious and committed about keeping this marriage together, making it even stronger he says. I liken these past couple of weeks to a bomb going off in my life. I, too, want us to stay together. I, though, now have the fallout to deal with, that is the nagging trust question and how to deal with the hurt of my lover and partner, my best friend, breaking my heart. I want to believe it was the strength of our relationship that has pulled me through this. I'm praying for guidance in helping me to make the right choices and decisions and give thanks to the good Lord for keeping me emotionally stable enough and calm to deal with the situation.
I've asked my husband to help me regain his trust and also to be patient with me. Can I forget this? I'll never forget the hurt and disappointment. I can try to put it in the past. Forgiving? If I don't forgive I know I'll never be able to move forward. This is where I need help and advice from others who have been through this thing. I don't know how I have managed to cope these last couple of weeks. I had nobody to talk to. I didn't even find this website until about a week ago.
