Kind of got the adrenaline going right about now, but in any case:

My wife just called me and said she got a call from her OM. (While she's at work).
They have not been in contact (?) since he was forced to resign his job about a year and a half ago.
(She has also moved on to a new position, in another state no less).

She of course handled it incorrectly by asking him questions like what's the reason for the call, how did he find her (at her new job), ect.
(She is still intimidated by him).

Unfortunately, she has a conference to go to after work, so she won't be home till around 10pm tonight. So we both will just get to stew alone.

I will say I am pleased that she called me immediately.

I told her IF it happens again to simply say that she knows what they had was a mistake, that she wants no contact with him, and that she would appreciate if he not call her again.....then hang up.

I will agree that it is irrelevant as to the WHY he called.
So no point speculating (although I know I will to some degree).

Unfortunately, the fact remains that he did. Now what to do about it?
Ahh, so many choices.

However, My emotions (and hers) are just in high gear as to what our response should be.
My initial instinct is too send a NC letter to him AND his W.

Perhaps it IS time she got ALL the Details. GRRR

Just wanted to share this as my gut is kind of in a knot right now.
I truly believed that the circumstances of the A ending were enough to keep this guy away forever.
Apparently I was wrong.

I'm soo pissed that right now I just want to post a message using OM and OMW's first names, just on the outside chance she is here.
(Not going to... but sure FEEL like it).

Kind of emotional right now, as this just came out of the blue and I just found out about 2 minutes ago.

I know that I Don't have to respond or react immediately (as much as I'd like to).
So I'll just attempt to calm myself down, begin to think more rationally and then take the next days to decide with my W, what steps we should take.

Thanks for listening. (reading)
(Darn , I thought I was DONE with all this crap!)
Really Never saw this one coming.
Again, thanks for the vent!

Top Rope: Sorry to hear the OM called. I'm sure more experienced MBers will be responding soon, but wanted to reply to you in the mean time, before the "stew" starts to boil. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please remember that your W did call to let you know, and in your words, she called "immediately". That says A LOT about where she wants to be - WITH YOU. Stay strong, and don't let this get you to the point of love busting when she does get home. Remember that God sees us through everything we go through...some trials are brought on because He is building/strengthening us; some are brought on because He is testing us...BUT NONE OF THEM catch Him off-guard. He knows BEFORE satan is allowed to bring anything to us to tempt us. This is a test for you and your W - her to remain in NC, you to remain loving and remember that she did not initiate that call. Truth is, I'd imagine it caught her by surprise too, and in that situation, hindsight is 20/20 - sure she should have said NC, never again and hang up...but we all make mistakes, and I'm sure this is not her biggest. Stop now, and pray for her strength (then remember that God will test her strength - that's how He works). Pray for your own strength...then love her and accept that you were both thrown a curve ball, maybe she swung the bat (by taking the call), but she didn't run to him, she turned to the "umpire" (you) and called foul - and let you know right away that she'd been tempted...

Best wishes to you,

Top Rope,
I'm sorry this happened to you.

I've often thought about what I would do if OM tried to recontact W.

I would call his wife immediately.

Although I didn't do this last time after DDay, I think I'd call his work and ask for a supervisor. I realize that most companies don't care about the morality of non-work related affairs. They do however care about the bottom line. The OM must have wasted hundreds of dollars of telephone usage calling my W at home and especially on her cell phone. I think they also subsidized his cell phone as well. Since it's a small company I think this would get their attention.

I have never spoken to OM. I think I might just show up at his office and tell the receptionist that I am here to see OM.

I know its tough. Be kind to your W. Although not perfect she did a pretty good job by telling you right away. She could have lied and kept it from you.

Mac

I admit I am new here, but send an NC letter?

Call the jerk! Tell him your wife just informed you that he called and he WILL not do it again!!

Forced to resign from his job? The guy is a loser and a user sitting around feeling sorry for himself wanting others to feel the same.

My WS let me know that I let her down sometimes for not defending her. Take that for what its worth.

I would feel good right now to be in your position:

Your W is being honest with you.
Your W is commited to your recovery.

Now what do you do about the OM who won't go away. Hmmm, I would talk to him. I would tell him one more outburst like this and I'm talking to your wife LOSER!

I would also talk to my W about it very calmly and reassure her how much you appreciate her honesty. Cook her dinner or buy her flowers...

Just think, Your wife just put to bed any sub-conscious doubts you had about your M recovering and being on the right track! Don't focus too much on the OM he's a loser and not worth too much of your energy.

congratulations!

Top,,,,
Om called my wife after NC was advised to him.
He called a few times before my wife told me about it.
I had to call him,,,,,, I told him to not call again,, that my wife does not wish to talk to him ever again. He said he was feeling guilty and wanted to make sure our marriage was ok! Yea right truth is he was lonely and trying to get some loving. I laid it on him pretty good and we had words, threats and all that. It ended by me telling him that my wofe has agreed to sign a protective order against him and if he called her at work or anywhere else, I would see to it he was served with the order the next day,, and hung up. Wife told me when he called that he did ask her not to tell me he called,,she told him she would not tell me. Well the first thing she did was tell me so that has to at least get through to him in some way that wife is through with his azz. If the OM calls again I would take legal action,, the law prohibits harassment,, and by niether your wife or yourself wanting this jerk to call it is harassment, PHONE HARASSMENT. So far it has worked for me, OM has not attempted contact since.

Many Thanks to all of you for responding.
Feels good to just have someone hear you.

I know that so many out there would love to be in my position (compared to their own) so I am in NO WAY having a pity party here.
This is just the first thing that has happened (since I started posting here) that could be called a crises.
(remember I lurked for a full year before registering).

Yellow line: Thank you for the encouragement (and the sports reference, right up my alley).
Never fear, I do so appreciate her honesty....it means a lot to me. (Considering her first instinct is to try to not make waves or deal with problems herself).
I am NOT angry with her at all (the call was unsolicited).
Guess I'm just pissed about the whole Sh*tty mess even coming around (however small) again.

cwmac: [or is it Mac now?]
Never told you this but I see so much of my situation in what you post.
Truly, more often then not as far as advice ...tend to think along the same lines as you.
Such as informing that exposure is Crucial.
And its the little things I identify with, like your W not wanting you to be here at MBers so much. (& telling you so)
Or feeling as if your W doesn't want to work on the M as much as you do.
Using alcohol to medicate and on and on.
Then there's my favorite- YOU not being willing to just SETTLE any more... and say that the M is better then it was, so that's good enough.
All these & more I do so identify with.
So know you have a kindred spirit out here.

As to what you wrote: We already went the talking to the work route (that's why he had to resign from the job W & OM worked at together). [Companies like sexual harassment even less, although we never threatened, I guess they didn't want to take the chance.)

Krusht, Family matters & Eric N,
Thank you all for responding with advise and concern as well.

I am addressing you all together as your points seem aimed in the same direction.
Believe me I can understand your reaction to my contemplating a NC letter, as I would probably have a similar one.

Unfortunately, I CANNOT call or confront the OM or even his W myself. (Believe me I'd love to, and more).
Let me try to briefly explain.

After D-day #1, I was "persuaded" to let my W and OM continue to work together.
(For any on the fence.........BIGGEST MISTAKE I made by far). Don't do it!

Any way, I kept the secret and stayed absolutely miserable.
This continued for about 4 months while I plan A'd as best I could.
This lead my W to feel have feelings for me again and in her guilt we had D-day #2 (in which I found out the TRUTH of the A).

I did not handle it well.
In my anger I sent the OM an email, a text message, a couple of alpha numeric pages, a note, and finally our first (& only) phone call.
About 2 hours after the phone call ended, I received a phone call from the local police.
The OM had called to report that I was harassing him. (the nerve)

Lets review: He screws my wife At Work while "on the clock" (not to mention her friend and coworker) , abuses his authority (pay, raises, time off, ect,), uses his work phone, work email and work pager to send sexual messages and contact ....and the law is on HIS side. sheesh

In addition, He also reported all info. to the security at my W's workplace and started an investigation there. (His attempt to get Her fired).

This is what FINALLY brought my W out of her Fog. HE finally turned on HER!
AND all because of little ol ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Ultimately, She then went to the Human Resources Department and told them everything.
The OM resigned within a week

However, I already have the complaint against me just sitting out there.
Should I contact OM in any way, they could execute it.

So I DO NOT regret doing what I had to do to get them apart.
IT was well worth it to me to be ride of that sneaky [censored]. (I thought for good).
However, those actions are now tying my hands.
Any action now, will have to be done by my W.
SAD but true.
Problem is...I don't know if I want her having ANY further contact with either of them.
(His W is truly a HOT head).
{As well as swimming the river De-Nial!}

I have almost no (say 98%) fear that anything will start back up again.
JUST Wondering if this guy is looking for payback or looking to start trouble for my W at her job (as he feels she cost him his).
That is the one thing I'm concerned about.

Although with that said, this creep is just about "smooth" enough to convince anyone about anything.
Especially someone that loved him. So who knows?

My W and I haven't spoken and won't really be able to at any length till tomorrow evening.
However, have no fear my initial burst of emotion is settling and I'll make sure to not Do anything rash.
For a change we will have POJA. Imagine that?

I am now calm and will not overreact.
My wife is safe from this. She behaved well and did nothing wrong.

Actually in a way this is good, because when we have a crises we tend to come together and tackle it as ONE.
This will indeed get us back on the same page.

Just have to stay away from the alcohol.

Take care ALL

Good job! Sounds like you're well on the road to recovery! GOOD FOR YOU!!!

TR

Would it be overreacting to swear out a complaint against him harrassing your wife. After all, his last encounter with her nearly cost her a job...

Is she fed up enough with him to ask for a protective order against him? Neutralize his complaint against you?

KaylaAndy,

Good question. One I can't answer.
I'll have to ask her when we get the chance to speak.

But Definite points to ponder and food for thought.

We both just never imagined he'd come back.(Naive? Maybe.)
However, He is a classic serial cheater and this was just another "extra" (ie, physical) A for him.
So except to disrupt our lives and cause us further trouble, what's his angle?

In any case, Whom would you call to make a complaint if you live in different states?


It just Sucks to have gotten most of our lives under OUR control again and then have the little (and he is little) weasel rear his manipulative head again.

I already spent my time in Heck, always having to worry about what that little [censored] was up to and how to counteract it.
(You know always having to be on the defensive and react?)
I don't want to EVER go back to living like that.

Where's my fairy god mother? I want to register a complaint...... This ain't Fair. Once gone just stay that way!

I don't want to rain on your parade, TR, but you need to be very wary about this.

As I recall, your wife was in it pretty deep with this guy. It's been over long enough that she may have let her guard down a bit.

I fear my ex-OW calling me. I fear the feel good rush that I used to get when I heard her voice. I know I will do the right thing, but I also know how good talking to her made me feel. I suppose it's like someone mailing an ex-coke addict a hit. Will I be strong enough to resist?

Help your wife by checking up on her. She may not see it that way, but it's better than letting that fire flame up again.

Low

Low Orbit,

I do appreciate both your concern and your warning.

And Yes, she was completely under this guys "spell".

As far as guard, we BOTH let our's down.
Just never thought this OM had these kind of balls.

Sorry to say I'm sure this contact has stirred up a whole host of emotions, as I could tell by her speech and her demeanor.

This is where my hesitation comes into play, as my W will have to be doing the "dirty" work so to speak.

Indeed, they did A Lot of talking on the phone.

Even so, She had NO Idea he would be calling today.
And yet she knew INSTANTLY who it was, even without him identifying himself.
(I sometimes have to ask when my own brother calls).

So yes, I am both torn and wary.
We will talk and see where this goes.

Your right in that I don't want a spark to flame up. I'll be keeping the Fire Hose at the ready (sorry for the poor image there guys).

Thanks

Ugh Top Rope, my worst nightmare just happened to you. H and I were just talking about changing our phone number this morning and this is two years after DD, mind you. There is no doubt in my mind that he will attempt contact again at some point and for all I know he's been trying. We use dialup on purpose to tie up the phone line and give me some peace of mind when H is not home.

I feel resentful that we might have to change the great phone number we've had for twenty years because of this OM but it would make me feel safer in the long run, I know. Again, one of the unforseen consequences of an A.

I'm so glad your W told you and I agree with Low, help her out by being on top of this. She must feel like a wreck right now. I feel prepared to deal with OM if he manages to access me somehow but who knows? I'm sure Mrs. Top was so floored at the call that she said the first things that popped into her mind. They may not have been MB correct but they were reasonable questions nonetheless. How the heck did he get her number?????!!!

I'm wondering now after reading her experience what if I'm the one so thrown for a loop that I don't respond as pointedly as I should? What am I going to do if he blindsides me, catches me off guard as your wife's a**w*pe did? There is a very real sort of powerlessness with OMs who use intimidation to control and the best bet is out of sight out of mind.

I do fear him more than myself because he is the type to twist and manipulate anything out of context. There is no logic involved as far as his thinking. There is NO WAY I want my H to go through anything remotely like he did during the A and that is the driving force behind my desire to avoid any and all contact.

You and Mrs. Top have done a lot of work over the last 16 months, and it's going to pay off now. The most important thing to keep in mind is she did not initiate this. Her reacton actually sounds pretty normal to me, how did you get this number ect. No one likes to be stalked, trust me!!! It's just entirely too creepy to know that someone is gathering info on you especially when a fair amount of time has gone by. Work together on this Top, and above all remember this: he is the outsider now, not YOU. KB

TR,

Filing a complaint in your own jurisdiction puts the burden on him for travel in his defense. Your local police dept would be able to walk you through how to file a complaint and if it's not appropriate with their dept, they'd give you a heads' up on which jurisdiction would apply.

knewbetter - does your phone company offer "call rejection"?

Are you talking about "call blocking"? OM calls from private numbers but so do all the kids friends ect. We could do this, it would just be an inconvience for the caller. Great idea, Kayla, thank you!

Just goes to show how adeled (sp?) your brain can get by all this stuff, I should have thought of this in the very begining and saved myself some worrying. On the other hand I like not knowing if he's tried. He used to leave scary messages which we taped but that has stopped thank God.

<small>[ July 14, 2004, 05:57 PM: Message edited by: knewbetter ]</small>

I'm Top Rope's W.

Decided to put this on my own thread.

Please check out "The OM called me.....?"

Thanks

<small>[ July 15, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: screwed up royally ]</small>

Knewbetter:
Hey, if I can live your "nightmare" for you & thereby let you learn from it, then its not all bad. In fact, I hope this does let you prepare for something that just "may" happen to you too at some point in the future.
However, forewarned is forearmed. So go right ahead and get prepared (then pray you never have to use it). That would be my wish for you.

I agree that it is unsettling to know someone is out there "looking" for you.
I mean my W quite her job, we sold our house, , we moved out of state,  got a new address, phone #'s and life and he's still after us.
In addition  we've never called, lit a smoke signal or sent a telepathic message to this guys house. And yet here we are a  year and a half later with this "contact."
So the reaction is "What gives?"


My concern is just where  is this leading.
Is this one time or going to continue?
Is this a first step? Is there a plan with more to come?
Is he after revenge?
I can't believe he'd think this could start up again.

Although I believe with this guys personality and Huge EGO, he might be so narcissistic that he just wants to see if he still holds some type of 'hold" on my W.
To see if his charms still work on the  different women he uses.
Kind of like some personal challenge to himself.
NOT for any real reason, but just to see if its possible and IF he can STILL do it.
To fuel whatever "need" he has ..to continue in this lifestyle he has made for himself.
Yes, disturbing.

I know, I know the possibilities are endless, so I'll probably never know for sure. (And I truly dislike that fact.)
I had to worry about this OM for long enough.
I refuse to have to go back down that path again. I didn't like or enjoy it then, so I'm NOT going to repeat that mistake.

Fortunately, I also recognize that this is upsetting to "SUR". (my W's MBer "handle")
My main concern is her own personal well-being.
I mean she gave (yes, gave) this OM power over her life (all aspects..home, job, her body & mind) for a long long time.
It's taken her this long to begin to reclaim her Power for herself.
I just have a fear that she will have a flash back and "give" back this power that she now has. Because it is her power, only she can give it away. She needs to be strong and hold on to it.

In the same light, I  just have to be careful to not misinterpret "Why" she is getting upset.
(Such as missing the OM or the A, or wishing it was still going on......cause believe me these types of thought do end up at the minimum crossing your mind).

I appreciate the encouragement and agree that this is NOT enough to break us OR All the Work we've put into this over these many long months.

In fact, giving us a crises to work on, will bring us closer together. (We must be really screwed up to need problems to force us to come together).
Very similar to D-day itself. weird!

Compared to so many others this is indeed a very small challenge.
However, its been a while since we've had to deal with one and believe me this OM is a huge Trigger for us both.
So time to get over being complacent.

Happy that your still learning new things to try and keep some "normalcy" in your life (like keeping the same #). Many times its the smaller things that really get to you.

Although I wouldn't know.....this whole A and recovery process has changed almost Every facet of our lives.
It better end up being worth it!
Later

Top, Thanks for the reply. As prepared as I feel I have been, you can probably tell that the whole scenario is extremely triggering to me. To have someone invade your life against your will is HORRIBLE! I posted a number of stalking resources on Mr. E's thread that may be helpful if SUR's creep won't back off. I hope it doesn't go any farther than this for both your sake's. It's crappy to live life like you're always having to look over your shoulder. I guess I had a fresh view through SUR's sitch that I can NEVER relax completly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> KB

Top-Rope -

This sucks! I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

I do have a suggestion. Since this has caused issues with your W's job in the past I think she should go to HR and file a report. Ask them to block this guys phone number if possible. If anything her doing this will reassure you.

I also agree with Kayla - file a complaint against him. I'm sure if you call a local police station the can help you do this. I do not see how this will hurt anything.

I really hate that you can't call him! Anyway your wife could make the call and you just happen to be on the other phone? Technically she calls him and then tells him you need to speak to him.....

Not sure if that would help or hurt. GRRRRRR