TOP ROPE,
I think you said exactly what the OM's motive is for calling.

I read that with some OM's an affair (the ability to get a woman to betray the man she loves) gives these type of people satisfaction and an enormous ego boost. OM especially the predator type tends to think "I am such an attractive and impressive man, I am able to get this woman to betray her marriage vows" They thrive on it. As in my case the OM even told my wife he had broke up other marriage. Except he said it to her as in "I am so attracted to you, but I have hurt a marriage before and I dont want to do that again" This attracted my wife to him even more. It gave her the since he was really a nice guy who regretted his actions. She consoled with him it made her feel he was so honest. The whole thing was his angle to doop my wife. I think there is a good chance you are right. The OM could be challenging himself, he may want to see if he can re egnite the affair for his own self confidence.
Its sad but there are people out there like that.
People who are out looking for WW'S to prey on.

Bust his ego,,,,,, do everything ...legally,, to prevent his re involvement.
I know my wifes OM will call her again at some point, he is addicted to her it made him feel good that he was able to pull the married woman. Thats what he does.

Top Rope,
Misery loves company so it's good to know that there are others out there suffering as much as me. lol. kidding. just kidding.

It's nice to know that my rantings serve some purpose. Despite all the great advice we get and give here at MB, I really think the best part is we all know that we're not alone in our struggle. We are part of a community. How did BS cope before the internet?? I don't know.

My suspicion is that alot of suicides from the past were a direct result of infidelity and the insuing depression. How alone did those people feel?? Think how alone. How humiliated and shameful they must have felt. No one to talk to who could relate.

My W's OM sent an e-mail in Feb. She told me right away. That's the good news. The bad news is just this week I found out from his W that my W had v-mailed him after rec'ving the e-mail. His W was told that it was just to say,"don't contact me anymore" but who knows.

Start. stop. start. stop. start again. jerk forward. I feel like I'm learning to use the clutch again.

Thanks for the nice words,

Mac

From: top rope:
OOPPPSSS!

Now that SUR is posting here I forgot to log her off and myself back in.

Oh well, at least these mistakes are easy to correct. My post to follow.

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 08:56 AM: Message edited by: screwed up royally ]</small>

Heroes wife:

Thanks for "checking up" on me. Seems like I might need it about now. [Ugggh, why now!]
And your Right this situation does "Suck"!

I suppose I've just gotten very comfortable with just being able to have to deal with the "recovery" part of the A and not all the other "Stuff". (OK, lets be honest..other Crap!)
(Man I don't want to go there again.....and yet here I am). WHAT The "F" Happened Here??

However, in a perverse kind of way this may be a positive thing for us as a couple.
We tend to come together when faced with a challenge.
Seems we've been turning on each other hear lately (or more like turning away from each other).
As we have been at a stalemate here recently, perhaps this is just what was needed to kick start us back to being on the same page again.
We've always made a great team, WHEN we can come together in a common cause.
Sad way to accomplish it, but God knows better then us.........So I suppose "whatever works".

At the very least it got SUR to come and post here again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I believe that can only help us (as I've seen it help other couple's who've chosen to do this). Maybe it can assist us too?

As to your suggestion: I think this is something we need to discuss.
Just going to the HR Dept. and giving them a
"heads up" will at the very least give her an advantage in covering her own a*s, Before anything else could happen.
And no one else except HR would have to know.
So thanks for the tip. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Also I haven't forgotten your questions: ("obsessing" & recovery)
Just having a tough time getting my thoughts "right" so I can get my true points and intentions across in my response. The getting over obsessing is HUGE (#1) on my list of my own Personal Recovery.
I want to do my best to get that one right.

cwmac:
Sorry to hear that you got "lied" to again (by omission).
I understand (boy do I).
It's like, why only tell half? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (Yelling)
What's the point in that?? (shakes his head and sighs)
Be strong. Don't know how much more of that kind of action by my W I could take.

For me, The lying and deception AFTER the A (was over) was MUCH more damaging to me then before. Hey, even if I didn't appreciate all the lies and deceit while the A was ongoing....at least I could understand the reasons for it.
Once its (supposedly) Over.......then WHAAAAT? Why are you still doing this?!!!!!!!
So I do feel for you & hope it stops...for good.

Here comes some emotion so:
Then my W gets angry AT ME when she eventually comes clean and admits that she lied.
Perhaps yours is similar?
She says, "See I'm honest with you and all I get is attacked".
WTF! I'm angry because you lied again. (ON top of the 1000's of other one's)
Don't act like this is the first one & I'm just unreasonable.
The problem is the accumulation of them and the Erosion of my trust. ARRGGHH
If you had just been straight at the time there would be nothing to confess now.......GET IT?

Unfortunately, my wife Generally tends to want to ask for forgiveness, rather then ask for permission. This is a problem in a M rocked by infidelity.

I'm working on this M and trying. But don't expect me not to have an emotional reaction when you WON'T stop the very action that got us Here to begin with (secrets and deception).

Get this through your head: I can NOT take ANY more lies (NONE, ZERO).
My trust and faith in you is precarious AT BEST.
STOP testing me and pushing my limits.....they are at the breaking point.
And NOT in an angry way........more like in a not caring anymore or an indifferent way.
YOUR continued lies and overall attitude is what's causing me to not even want to try anymore, not my love (or lack there of) for you. {OK, enough with my rant}
That's just part of how I feel when discovering yet another lie. Its the pits!

As for MY situation:
Right now I'm just feeling like a teenager smoking some "weed".
I mean I'm getting really paranoid.
Wondering is the OM really here as I type reading everything I'm thinking and feeling.
In all my other posts at least the OM was "past tense" so I felt free to discuss any and everything (as it was just revisiting history).

However, with the OP still out there and "in your life" in some way...........just makes me edgy.
I mean he had to actually "work" to find us again.

I applaud any and all of you that have shared your stories here WHILE still having the OP in your lives. I now better understand how difficult it must be to "expose" your lives and emotions during that time.
Give yourselves MUCH Credit for doing this.

As to my "nice" words......just how I felt. Not trying to make you uncomfortable.

Keep up the good and "necassary" work. Hey, somebodies got to do it.

Take care guys