Listen to this. Weirdness.

I read your post to chackler, jammed out those replies that you read, and then had a MASSIVE migraine headache. Decided to lay down. WH called right about that time to see if I had the game controlers to DS's Xbox (he has both the kids this weekend as it is his visitation weekend). I told them they were here, but had a headache, but would be willing to take them over there when I headed out for the evening. He was fine with that, then we hung up.

Then took the hottest bath I could muster. While I was soaking, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I had said, what you had said NC, all of the post. Praying forgiveness for removing myself from God. Praying forgiveness for being somewhat of a brat child of God, mad at Him because I have not gotten my way. Kinda told the Spirit that I wish He would come back because I missed Him. Explained I was afraid to believe in Him, because if I believe in Him completely, I am acknowledging that He can work a miracle and fix my M, and I did not want to believe in that anymore, because it hurt too much to believe in it, when everything apparently was pointing another direction. So it seemed like I was hoping for something totally hopeless. As I am typing this now, it is obvious I am not a person of very much faith. And I am remembering now how God will only deliver a miracle in measure with the size of your faith...so no wonder. Jeesh! Anyway, I spent my whole bath praying. Prayed for a couple of other MB friends I have, particularly one I chat with sometimes, who is clearly missing his wife. I prayed in the spirit for him and his wife for awhile, praying that the Spirit would lean on her HEAVILY to convict her of how much she is hurting her daughters, my MB friend, etc. He is a good guy and I would love for her to come to her senses and come home.

Then, I did the unthinkable. Prayed for my M again. I decided I would no longer pray for my M about 3 months ago. Just would not do it. Hurt too bad to pray and not have an answer to that prayer. Prayed that God would use what He knew would work with WH to bring him back to the M. Prayed that God would show me what to do. Shared that I am ready to move on if that is what He wants me to do (reminded Him, like He didn't know or something, that WH wants to meet with me Monday to discuss the D, and that I am running out of time, etc). Also shared that I have no feelings for WH except friendship. Asked that He try to use that somehow. Also apologized to God for pursuing the romantic interest I had in July (if you want the sordid details on that, see my "dumb or done" thread).

Anyway, I was supposed to go to a friends party tonight. Ended up not going at the last moment, because I felt like heck. Called my girlfriend that I was going to go with to tell her.

Then I called WH to tell him I was not heading out tonight after all, had a headache, etc., but would still be willing to drop off the controllers for DS (WH lives in an apt approx. 1 block away from the house). He said he was sorry I was hurting with migraine, appreciated the gesture, etc. Then, he said "You know what, I am cooking dinner now, how would you like to join us." I accepted, offered to bring a salad, and went on over.

WH made chicken, steamed broccoli. We all sat there as a family, enjoyed a low key conversation. It was nice. Still not feel feeling of love, not really even in a platonic way, but, it was unemotional, and at least did not HURT. Then, we went into his bedroom to fold some of the kids clothes that were in a basket on his bed. And WH stood there folding, laughing about things that had been going on, etc.

Seemed like the time to go, so I did. Said good bye to the kids, got my purse, thanked WH for dinner, and left.

There was no tear-soaked apologies from WH. No roses. No violins. No promises of making it up to me. Not even a spark of attraction or love between us.

And I am not sure whether to interpret that as an answer to my prayer to use what God knows will touch WH's heart (our friendship was always very important to WH, and I know I was closer to him than any other human being was ever, bar none). And maybe it would be a very slow, Plan A, friendship that would bring him back home.

Or maybe it was an answer to my prayer to help me find something to love again (the friendship and conversation was always very important to me too).

I still don't know any more than I knew before I went there. And we ended our evening confirming we were meeting up on Monday to go over the divorce paperwork.

But, for some strange reason, I feel like there are some wheels turning. Where they will lead, who knows? But it felt good to get out from behind the wheel, and let Someone else drive, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, thought I would share. And I thank you for all you both shared today.

Hey dipiT,

I am going to call H in here to read your post.

You have me crying. I will admit it is for selfish reasons. (what more from a FWW? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Your prayers you prayed tonight spoke heavily to me. It is like I haven't even faced how far I have walked away from God!

How in the world is that? Sorry, I am meaning to post about what you had to say. But I have to say God is using you to convict me.

I have run so hard in my heart from Him since the beginning of the A. Obviously, being a Christian I had to to okay what I was doing.

You have helped me a ton tonight. I have missed my closeness with God so much. I have so much ground to recover.

Thank you for sharing.

Just on an interesting note, H walked in from work tonight and told me you had been heavy on his heart all the way home.

He said he prayed in the Spirit for you the whole way.

God has had his eye on you girl tonight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I agree something is going on. You don't even need to know what. We both know God ultimately knows, and we can't do a whole lot to help Him out except to obey.

Sounds like a great start. At least you seem to have peace!

Now I will send my wonderful long-winded <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> H in and he will read your post.

Blessings,
Pam

DipiT,

Let it flow. I have been praying for you in the Spirit on and off most of the night.

Can't tell you what I have been praying. Don't think it would be right.

I told you to come back and sing with me. Come back in the main hall.

Your migrane humbles your flesh. You know it is weak without the Spirit. Your flesh is at peace right now.

Time to do it. Come back and sing.

NCWalker

Wait a minute.

He just purposely proved me wrong.

I will bring him back now and make him post one of his half-dozen fish, long-winded types.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just jokin'

Got ta get in my little itty bitty I love you NC jabs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

RAP, girl, we need to convict each other. Funny thing is, the A brought me closer to God, then I got frustrated, and walked even further away than I was before the A. Kinda makes me mad that satan was able to mess that up for me. I am so weak. Weak feeble Christian.

Thank God my salvation is not incumbant on me earning it. If it was, it would never happen.

Don't let satan influence you further with guilt and shame. God has already forgiven you. Spirit is ready to rock and roll in your life again.

I am going to pray for you tonight, RAP, that you go into the concert hall. I will meet you inside. And we will have a dog gone party in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DipiT,

Wow. I know your feelings.

Don't stop praying for your WH. Even if you're ready to move on, WH still needs your prayers. Remember, that Paul said that they will know we are Christians by our Love for one another.

Your husband has free will. I remind my children this all the time. God will guide us if we let him and we listen to him. But He won't make us do anything, or make your WH do anything. We must choose. We all make bad choices, we all listen to the wrong voices ....the wrong influences. We all do.

I have all the confidence in the world in you. I have read your posts. You are a DEEP thinker. A woman who identifies motivations for actions, both your own and others.

I believe God always speaks to everyone, whether we pray or not. We just don't always listen, or we are decieved. Deceived by ourselves or by others. Self deception is the most damning. You are steps ahead of most people, you are honest with yourself.

BTW, you should have forced yourself to go out with your friends. Go out DipiT. Have fun, it will happen, I can tell.

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Dearest SerendipiT,

I can't tell you how heavy you are on my heart right now.

Some things that have come to mind...

Disrespectful judgments - I think you need to come clean on some of that in your marriage. Not here. Keep that between you and God.

Peace - Have been praying strongly for that for you. It feels like you have been in a noisy gaggle of geese. Honking and squawking around you that is not making sense. I have been praying for clarity of thought for you.

Timing – Wow. When can we ever fathom God’s timing? Monday is fast approaching. It is quickening your heart. Peace. Be at peace. I don’t get the sense that Monday will be an END for you. However it goes.

Judgments again – This time for yourself. You are confusing fear and awe. We should fear the Lord, like it says in the Word. But that fear is a reverential respect for his might, not a shameful cowering from his sight. Quit cowering. You are His beautiful daughter. Look upon Him, come close, and let him see you smile. He is not like your father on earth, you have great value to Him.

If you can, go to your church tomorrow. Does your H go? Would he if you asked? Wish I could look you in the eyes right now.

You are scared of something, when you should not be. Maybe what he has in store for you. Join the dance again. Stop thinking with the flesh and rest in Him.

NCWalker

NC:

What did you mean by this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Disrespectful judgments - I think you need to come clean on some of that in your marriage. Not here. Keep that between you and God. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been disrespectful to H the majority of my marriage. Before D-day, after the I Don't love you speech from WH, I prayed for insights from God about what could be wrong. That day I heard a broadcast on Focus on the Family featuring Emerson Eggerichs, and it was abou the love and respect passages in Ephesians. Something I clearly needed to hear. So, I immediately turned that around. Then, ON d-day, when he admitted it after I confronted him, I got right on my knees, tears flowing, and prayed right there in our bedroom, for God's forgiveness for me being a disrespectful wife. Begged for WH's forgiveness. So weird that you said that. Not sure what else I should do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Peace - Have been praying strongly for that for you. It feels like you have been in a noisy gaggle of geese. Honking and squawking around you that is not making sense. I have been praying for clarity of thought for you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Need clarity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Timing – Wow. When can we ever fathom God’s timing? Monday is fast approaching. It is quickening your heart. Peace. Be at peace. I don’t get the sense that Monday will be an END for you. However it goes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure enough. Trust He will give me some clarity! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Judgments again – This time for yourself. You are confusing fear and awe. We should fear the Lord, like it says in the Word. But that fear is a reverential respect for his might, not a shameful cowering from his sight. Quit coweri ng. You are His beautiful daughter. Look upon Him, come close, and let him see you smile. He is not like your father on earth, you have great value to Him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for this. Have been feeling really shamed by recent choices of mine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If you can, go to your church tomorrow. Does your H go? Would he if you asked? Wish I could look you in the eyes right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Definitely going. Asked Wh tonight to join me as a matter of fact, and he declined (we used to never miss a Sunday, since the A, and him moving out, he does not go anymore). Said I would like it if he thought about joining me next week, and he said he would think about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are scared of something, when you should not be. Maybe what he has in store for you. Join the dance again. Stop thinking with the flesh and rest in Him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Deathly afraid of abadonement. Part of my adoption past. And now rearing it's ugly head in this A, then WH leaving me thing. And I know intellectually God will never leave me, but the FEELINGS are not coinciding with that knowledge.

You are getting some insights from the big man upstairs!!! ;-)

SerendipiT,

This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! Listen. You are just heavy on my heart right now. You know how sometimes someone else’s problem speaks to you and someone else’s doesn’t. You know, led by the spirit? I just feel very strongly to help you with a little prayer warfare. I don’t know why, but I do. And praise God because that means that there might be someone out there having some warfare for me.

Listen. I don’t normally operate in discernment. Never have. ALWAYS thought RAPs gifts there would blossom. But I got “close to the stage” while I was deployed. I had to master my flesh and keep it up over here due to an illness I picked up. Obviously my own dealing with an A has brought me close.

So I have been covering you and praying in your stead – things the Spirit has led me to pray. (Of course that all would be in God’s will – always <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Well during one of my prayer sessions, predominantly for you – go wit your WORTHY self, the Spirit gave me some discernment. To add to your weirdness. I don’t normally have the gifting their. I have had some STRONG prophetic words over the last 3 months (actually 3 of them, two of which came to pass) and I don’t normally have that gifting. So it is new to me.

So I knew I NEEDED to write you. And I just sat at the keys and said “Tell me what to type.” I know you know what I am talking about. Problem is, I am so new to visions they are hard to sort out. So I am a little scared, I can’t SEE you and you can’t SEE me more importantly to weigh what I said. But you CAN pray for a confirmation of what I said, and you should. You KNOW all this, but if you have been in the “lobby” you might need to hear it again.

Disrespectful J’s That is really Harley’s word. I was thinking “harsh judgments” about your husband. Sounds like you dealt with that. Don’t know if that was prophesy or discernment, but it was a strong word to me. It wouldn’t hurt to search your heart and be sure, HONEST self-examination is never fruitless. Not accusing, maybe it was only a wake-up to you that I was hearing something about you by bringing something old up.

Now – this is a logical conclusion/question from ME, not from Spirit – adopted huh? Can see abandonment from that, how about harsh judgments? Did your adopted family have natural kids as well as you? Dad or mom “say” you were different in that subliminal way we all use to wreck our kids? Sounds like something to take to the altar. Again, that was NOT from the Spirit, just me thinking.

Need clarity. Roger. Easier to pray if I know about what. Funny, was walking with RAP and Spirit kept me singing a song you probably know. The one with the chorus that goes “God has not given us a spirit of fear…” and ends “… and a sound mind.” REALLY felt strongly about that. Neat, huh?

The Timing Thing As I said, I never expected to be the one in my family to ever get a word. I am not used to it and very afraid it is from me and not Him. Look. I was going to tell you a lot about this, but I DON’T get many words and am afraid of giving you a false sense of hope. I prayed a lot for your Monday meeting and am unclear if I heard what I wanted to hear for you or if I heard for you. I have the sense that Monday is either not going to be that pivotal of an event, but don’t know how. I mean it could mean WH wants to “sit” on the situation and will not go through with D (yeek, see why I am afraid of false hopes), but it could also mean DipiT thinks her life and future is strongly tied to this day and will find later that it really isn’t. Get my drift? Only thing I am sure of is that Monday is more important in your mind, one day you will look on it and laugh and see it as catalyst for greater blessings and not a day of pain. I really hope I am right on this, I do. Wish you could get confirmation.

Your Recent Shame GOOD. Means your morals are intact. Can’t be wrong. Accept God’s love and forgiveness. Prodigal daughter, ya know? Hate to sound chauvinistic, but on the threads my wife frequents, all the WWs have a HUGE issue with self-worth after. And here you are a BW with the same issue. What did your father’s do to you girls when you were growing up?

Abandonment I am sure your testimony here is stronger than mine. You would probably be envious of my family. But I am a BS and I witness to the abandonment. The A does contribute heavily to that. You go though periods where you feel like things you did CAUSED the WS to cheat. Like they abandoned you because you were not good enough. No one is ever perfect to each other. Right and wrong is a choice an individual makes. We are truly and island unto ourselves in that regardless of what it may feel like, our actions are truly ours. No one else’s. Will add that you feel tangible presence of Spirit to the list. Was actually praying strongly on that last night, too. Clicked when you mentioned abandonment. Neat, huh?

It’s a Spirit thing,

NCWalker

RAP, NC:

Well..... I am happy to announce, I went back in the concert hall. I am way at the back, can barely make out the stage, but I could hear the music loud and clear!!!!! Thank you God, I love you so much!!!!!

We sang this song today called "No weapon formed against me."

No weapon formed against me, no weapon formed against me, no weapon formed against me shall prosper!!

So, while we are singing this song, the praise and worship leader comes down, walks to my very row, clasps my hand, mic still in hand and everything, and sings this song directly to me "No weapon formed against you, no weapon formed against you, no weapon formed against you shall prosper!!"

Man...I had MAJOR goose bumps!!!!!!! It felt sooooooooo good to back watching the live show. I felt this surge of love and support form my church family, and just knew in that instant, that no matter what happens in my M, this will not be a weapon that satan will use to beat me down. I will be ok. It will be ok.

So, I enjoyed a good word at church. They were talking about the great commission, and the call we have to witness. Guest speaker was asking if we can look at our hands, and see the blood of a lost sinner that we did not save on our hands (per the scripture in Ezekiel). Realize I have not been much of a witness to anyone, lately. Non-committing, wishy washy Christians are the biggest stumbling block to non believers, and I realize that has been me for the past 3-4 months. I was plain mad at God, and was probably not only in the lobby, but on my way out the door to ask for my money back! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

And it helped me to remember a really great time at the beginning of the A, after D-day, etc. Great time, you ask??? YES!

I was plugged in and praised up. I was hurting so bad (the A and the impending destruction of my marriage brought about a terror and grief and panic and shame and rejection in me that I would either have to cast out with the spirit of Christ, or probably commit suicide and end up in heck for eternity). So, I chose God, and was really really plugged in. White knuckled. Hanging on for dear life. Even WH mentioned to me at the time that something about me was different. Not different enough to keep him here, but, he has to answer for that.

Anyway, I take runs in my community every Saturday morning. It was a beautiful fall morning. I was listening to Salvador (great Latino sounding Christian band, salsa to Jesus kinda stuff) on my headset, and literally praying in the spirit, laughing, thanking God for everything from the birds in the air to the mailboxes on the streets like a giddy school girl experiencing her first love. It was awesome. And I was praying that God would use me. I was praying a prayer of thanks to Him, and asking Him how I could repay Him for this moment in time right now. And I hear the Spirit tell me I should help a hurting person. Ok. I thought that was a weird comment, but, I would be game. I explained how I saw myself as a pretty friendly person, but, not very well versed in the ways of God or witnessing...so, show me what to do. Went about my business, ended up at the park on the edge of my neighborhood, where I ran the track there for 8 or 9 laps. I saw this shady looking car pull in, and then noticed there was not another living soul at the park that day. I prayed a prayer of security over myself, as I felt kinda uneasy. As I continued my laps, I noticed there was a young guy parked in his car. Not getting out, just seeming to sit in his car.

"Go talk to him, he is hurting."
ME: Umm, say what?
"Go talk to him, he is hurting."
ME: Umm, God. I am a young woman, all alone, at the park. And this guy could kidnap or rape or murder me. You would not possibly put me in harms way.
"Go talk to him, he is hurting."
"Go talk to him, he is hurting."

I just kept running. Turned my head set up. I thought I must be losing my mind. I could not possibly do that. Even wondered if it was satan trying to sabatoge me. Finished up my laps, and started to leave.

"Go talk to him, he is hurting."
"Go talk to him, he is hurting."

I was halfway down the block. COME ON GOD...if this is you, make me really hear you.

"Go talk to him, he is hurting. You asked Me how you could serve Me. And I am telling you to turn around and talk to this guy."

I stopped dead in my tracks. My heart was pounding. I turned around. I walked purposefully the two or three blocks back to the park, through the parking lot, right up to his car. I had no makeup on, my college alma matter t-shirt and some running shorts on. Sweating. Red faced. Probably stunk. Hair in a natty pony tail at the top of my head. A real poster child for witnessing. You said it God. Whatever you say.

Me: Look. This is going to sound crazy. As I was enjoying my run, I was praying to God. Thanking him for such a nice day. For giving me the strength to run, etc. And I heard a word. He told me I needed to come talk to you, because you were hurting.
Guy: (looking at me like I lost my mind). That is so weird.
Me: Are you hurting?
Guy: Yes. Actually, I am hurting a lot.
Me: Well, my name is Dipi. And I know what it means to hurt, I am hurting too.
Guy: Really?? My name is Adam (yes, that was his real name)
Me: What is wrong?
Guy: Well, my girlfriend is leaving me, and taking with her our son.

I am thinking, sheesh God, why did you hook me up with a guy that is going through something similiar. My heart is broken from all this relationship destruction. What am I gonna....
I heard Him tell me to hush. He'll do the talking for me.

Me:Well, Adam, interesting that God asked me to come talk to you, because my marriage of 10 years looks like it is in jeapordy too. So I can relate to your pain. I know what it means to feel that pain at the core of your being. Like you can't breath.
Guy: I actually came here today to figure out what I want to do. I just sometimes don't want to live. So, I came here today, and was praying, something I never do, that God would show me what to do.
Me: Adam, did you know that God, through His Son Christ, can heal you right now, taking the edge of that pain, and that you can still have peace and joy, despite your circumstances? (Huh...I am definitely not saying this...this is tooooo freaky). All you have to do, is say a prayer and accept Him into your heart. Are you interested in saying this prayer Adam?
Guy: Yes (he is crying at this point).

So, I pray with him for awhile, all while crouching over, looking into his passenger side window, to this strange young man, while I was on my Saturday morning run. We pray together. He cries, seems to have some peace, and I end up by inviting him to my church. I have never seen him there, and I do not know what happened to him.

I was walking on air the whole rest of my run home!

All these memories came flooding back in an instant this morning during the sermon. How bold I was to ask God what He wanted me to do for Him, and how He made something materialize in literally minutes. I also realized, I may be a child of God, but I am a bratty one at that. Now I only come around because I want something, whine if I don't get it, or mope or act put out if God does not deliver. And I realized in a moment this morning, as I remembered my encounter with Adam, how great it felt to TRULY serve God, step outside of myself. How it would be better than recociliation of my marriage, if I could somehow do a more diligent job of serving Him every single day, and not worry about what I am getting...or what God has done for MEEEE lately.

So, I will try. My best. Which is not all that great. But I will try none the less.

After church this am, I went to lunch with WH's parents. We had a nice talk, seemed to bring us closer again, something we have not had for awhile.

As far as your discernments, right on. Oddly enough, I do not feel panicked about meeting up with WH tomorrow evening. I just feel now, there are bigger fish to fry.

One day I will have to stand before the "committee of 3" upstairs, and God will want to know what I did for Him. Not how pleased or approving or at peace I was for what He did for me, but, how I used my time to serve Him.

I think I will apologize again for all the hurtful, disrepectful things I did over the years to my WH when I see him tomorrow. I will pray that God will use me however He wants to in that situation. And in all likelihood, He will not use me to change WH at all. I will probably NOT be the instrument to facilitate change there. He (God) will probably use a word or a conviction that will come from someone else.

So, please pray for me at about 5pm EST tomorrow. I will do the same, get prayed up and plugged in before I go, so I can be acting on the discernment of God. Not sure what I will find. Not sure that my situation will really change at all. Only God knows. He may know my marriage is going to make it, and is using this time to better prepare me for the time ahead. He knows WH's heart, and He may know that WH is going to continue to walk in disobedience. God may be ready to have me move on, may be preparing a new, better path for me on up ahead. I am ok with that either way.

RAP & NC, thank you so much. NC, thank you for your succint posts (this is sarcasm, and I can say that, because mine are probably LONGER). They convey a lot of knowledge and a true connection to the inner courts. And RAP, thank you for your succint comments (no sarcasm here), that while maybe not as thorough as your Dear H's, touched me so deeply, I felt like crying after some of them. They drilled down to my very soul. Maybe it is the female experience...but it touched off something real and deep in me. God has big plans for you two...you believe that, don't you??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

DipiT,

WOOOOOO HOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!

WHAT a testimony!

5 pm EST tomorrow. Will be covering, I promise.

Thanks for your words. You have lifted the spirits of both me and RAP (sitting with me now).

It is so amazing and wonderful when God is moving in you it makes you wonder how you get by when He is not.

It's just a Spirit thing,

NCWalker

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I am typing this now, it is obvious I am not a person of very much faith. And I am remembering now how God will only deliver a miracle in measure with the size of your faith...so no wonder. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SerendipitT - it doesn't take a "person of very much faith." You have enough. In fact, you have more than enough. So stop beating yourself up about the past and self-flagelating yourself about what you think is "less faith" than someone else. I'd really be worried about you IF you thought you had enough faith that either you didn't "need" God or that he "owed it to you" because you were such a "good and faith-filled" person.

Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, "Why couldn't we drive it out?" He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matt.17:19-21, NIV)

Read Matthew 18. As you read it, remember that Jesus has placed the "example" of faith in Him on His lap as He is giving this instruction. It is a child. A child usually does NOT know or even care about all the "deep" nuances...the child simply trusts Jesus and takes Him at His word. So contained in all of this is the admonition to believe in Him as a child believes in Him, totally and without reference to what others might think or try to make you seem like you have "less" than they. Maturing in Christ, strangely enough, is more about "regaining" that childlike faith and less about arguing "fine points."

So if "God will only deliver a miracle in measure with the size of your faith," then it would seem that your "little faith, childlike in size," is sufficient for God to use to create a very large miracle in your life.

God bless. May God work His will in your life and marriage.

SerendipiT -

I had a similar experience today. Wow. I think this spirit thing is working. I went to church and on the way home, stopped at the grocery store. I went to the deli section to get some sliced meat.

Here I was, all dressed up in church clothes and there was a black homeless man there. He was buying a chicken leg. Suddenly I heard this voice that said "What you do unto the least of your brethren, you do unto me."

It was unbelieveable. So I told the guy to get what he wanted, I would buy it. He said "Can I get some ribs?" I told him to get whatever he wanted.

I was kind of embarrassed, but felt good about it. When judging us, Jesus will ask if we gave him a drink when we saw him thirsty. And if on that day we try to plead ignorance and say that we never saw him thristy, he will point to the billion people in the world who lack drinkable water and say "When your failed to give water to the least of these, you failed to give in unto me."

So this is all new to me. I believe that I was a good Christian. When WH left, I kinda lost my way. I almost gave up on the Lord. I started smoking again, and drinking wine at night. Definately not living in the spirit.

But my whole perspective has changed. I have goosebumps when I read NC's posts. I have invited the Holy Spirit back into my life. No I have begged him.

I am looking to truly be a follower of Jesus, in word and actions.

Just wanted to make a quick response. Just lost one I was working on (don’t tell H, he knows how computer illiterate I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

ForeverHers,

I don’t think I have read one of your posts before. Just needed to say how you have spoken to me tonight. Thank you.

...the child simply trusts Jesus and takes Him at His word. So contained in all of this is the admonition to believe in Him as a child believes in Him, totally and without reference to what others might think or try to make you seem like you have "less" than they

I have lost faith in what God can do for my M lately. Maybe because of my actions. Maybe because I don’t know if God can “fix” me.

And sometimes, do I really want this?

The answer is I do, when I am not being stubborn.

I want to be that trusting child again. I hear God saying that is where I lost it.

Gave up on Him and His ability to work in our lives.

Thank you. Just wanted you to know it really ministered to me where I am at.

I see all my MB friends making great progress. I am not walking as quickly as I should. I fight, I get angry. Sometimes with God, and a lot of times with myself.

God is good. He is there tenderly reminding us that He doesn’t change. We may lose faith and run away for awhile, but He is always there patiently waiting for us to see and to come home again.

Blesssings,

Pam

DipiT,

You sound like an amazing person. Just soak it in. Know you are truly loved. Thank you for sharing. It has been like a medicine to me. I probably need more whacks on the head (pepperband, are you around?), but you are great!

Pam

Believer: You go girl!!!! That is totally awesome. Funny how these things present themselves, huh? God is sooooo coool. He has a great sense of timing, humor, the works!

ForeverHers: I knew it was a matter of time before we would hear some of your sage advice. Sheesh! What took you so long! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Thanks for your insights on faith. I tend to have a LONG legacy, kinda like a comment that NC made earlier, of raising the bar so high on myself, that I cannot even reach it. It is another after affect of the adoption thing. If I achieve perfection, perhaps people won't ditch me...you see how successful that has been so far!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway, RAP, it is the mutual admiration society. I think you are super duper, lady! I was praying all morning a prayer of thanks for the things you said. You are sensitive, sweet, and sincere. You don't need any more wacks. Just like FH said, you need to apply the same premise, stop beating yourself, put down the sticks and stones, and climb up into your loving Father's lap. He loves you so much...His heart has been aching for you to come fully home. Stop the beatings, and rest awhile!

<small>[ November 06, 2004, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: cellophane. ]</small>

Amen!

runawaypot - I'm glad that you found something in there to help you. But don't apologize for not reading anything that I may written. I seldom visit the GQ II and JFO boards. I mainly "hang out" in the Recovery Forum.

But perhaps if you like some reading I can give you a link to a thread I began about a year into our recovery. You might find some of it helpful or thought provoking.

Forgive? Trust? Really?

God bless and comfort you as you work through this difficult time in your life.

ForeverHers,

I am going to check out your link. Thank you. I could use all the wisdom I can get.

DipiT,

We are all wondering how it went last night?

Are you okay?

Hugs,

RAP

Well, interesting.

I prayed for quite awhile before WH came to my office to have the D talk. It was actually D talk #2 (we already had D talk #1 several weeks ago).

We started going over the paperwork, and I stopped to tell him that I just wanted to say that I regret that I was so disrespectful over the years. I told him there were several needs not being met, and that hurt, and I incorrectly vented those hurts on him in a destructive, disrespectful tone. He was a little taken back by my statement, and got kinda quiet. A few minutes later he thanked me for my apology. Then, a few minutes later he apologized for "doing what I did. I was done in the M, but should have had enough respect for you to handle that in another way."

There is no reconciliation sought in our situation, and I know it, and I am at peace with it. I know that I did a lot unto my WH as unto God, like during Plan A. It was a six month torture session, but I would keep saying to Christ, "I am doing this unto You, in honor of You."

I wanted to have a different outcome at one time, wanted to show God that I had a spirit of reconciliation and repair like He wants me to. But, last night, overwhelmingly, I had a sense that He knew how long I had tried, how badly I had wanted it, how committed I was to being committed to my vows, but that WH has free will. And the decisions that WH is making do not include me. And, you know, I am OK. And I need to move on. I don't believe that God wants me to be stuck.