So the XOM called me at work on Wednesday. I called and told H right away that XOM had called. This was a good thing (that I told him). I really DO know this.

Since then, I have been having a lot of conflicted emotions. It has been 16 months with NC because I went to HR and made him resign before he did it to me.

Needless to say, we did not part on the best of terms. So, now he contacts me and tells me he just wants to find out if I am doing all right.

I know that he is total slime. After all, he was having an A with not only me, but also with another girl in our office at the same time!!! Although mine and his started first. I think he was just using me to perfect his lines. Either that or he already had them practiced because after everything came out (or most of it), the other girl and I discovered that OM had used the SAME lines on both of us!!!

So why, after 16 months, when I have finally started to heal, to start to forgive myself, does he have to come back and ruin it?

Now I feel like part of me wants to call and talk to him, while the rest of me KNOWS that it would be the absolute worst thing to do. I really want to do the right thing.

I have been trying to talk to H about this, but our conversations never seem to be at the same place at the same time. (I want to talk about this while he wants to discuss other things.)

I really need some help here because right now, with H and I not getting along so well (and that could change minute by minute), my feelings are very conflicted.

Part of me thinks that because OM took the time and effort to find me and call me, he must feel something for me. And that is the part that wants to call and talk to him.

The other part KNOWS that that would be the final nail in the coffin of my M.

AND I REALLY WANT MY M TO SURVIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately Top Rope, my H, tends to be a bit of a procrastinator. A trait which I also share. We have agreed not to make any rash decisions about what to do (NC letter, restraining order, etc.), but I feel that something needs to be done soon, or I may actually get the nerve up to call XOM again. And I know that would be the end.

That's the biggest reason I eventually left my other job and moved 100 miles away from all that was familiar and comfortable. I knew that any chance of contact with XOM would be detrimental to me and to my M.

So.....HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to know how to get H motivated to make a decision about this issue.

Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sur

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but why do you have to wait for your H to make a decision? You are the ultimate force in this.

You're doing MB, right?

This would constitute an emergency, right?

You need to get TR on the bal***** POJA this thing RIGHT NOW, like NOW, like TONIGHT. No laziness allowed!

You recognize the dangers of the old feelings creeping back so easily. Scares the living sh*t out of me, actually (yeah, if we ever make it into recovery that is...).

Hopefully some OLD-timers (hehehehe) will also chime in with their marvelous articulate posts. Actually, I'm about median-aged, I think.

WAID,

Scares the living st*t out of me too!!! That's why I am so upset!!!

I'm waiting for him, I think because for so long, I made all of the decisions for myself, by myself. That is what got me into trouble in the first place.

So now I tend to wait for TR's opinion and input before making ANY kind of decision these days.

I only want to do the right thing!

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: screwed up royally ]</small>

"How am I supposed to feel?"

REALLY MAD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He calls because he does not respect you.

Feel angry

Get mad

Really T-d off

Pissed

That's how you feel.... right?

This is not a compliment. It's disrespect.


Pep

After 16 months, I really was angry!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

The problen is that as time has passed without my acting back, I start to feel less angry, and more flattered. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Better feelings start to surface. It makes the good fellings more prominent than the anger as more and more as more time passes.

Definately not something I want to happen!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

But we cannot always control our emotions and the way we feel. Can we? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But I CAN control my actions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ...which is what I want to do...with some sort of 'retaliation' if you will, at the OM for having the audacity to contact me after so long.

I tried to tell OM once before that, "if he tried to take me out, I would go out in a ball of flames...and he would go with me." He didn't believe me then (even though in the end, he was the one forced to resign, not me)...I want to make sure that he believes me this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Screwed up royally,

As a FWW who have BEEN there and an XOM who tried to contact me a few times AFTER the friendship was ended, I can tell you what you’re feeling and experiencing is very, very normal. I understand how upsetting those feelings are to you because you feel guilty about it and DON’T want those feelings to be there… You are right when you say we can’t always control our feelings but we can control our actions. This is so, so true. Keep that motto. You handled the situation with OM marvelously. Please stay strong and DON’T give into the urge to contact him back. You have come this far and I know you can do this.

My advice is to send OM a very brief NC-letter telling him that your A was wrong; that contact from him is hurtful to the man you love most in the world; that you’re not interested in any further contact or ‘friendship’ with him and that he must leave you alone and not contact you again. Let him understand there is no secrets between you and hubby and that your H knows about the recent phone call. Before sending the letter, discuss it with hubby first and make sure he agrees with the content of the letter.

Blessings,
Suzet

Speaking as a former MOW who went through this..i'm really not surprised that you are feeling this way..that's what contact does, and why it's like the most important part of 'letting go'...

i know it's too late now that he's contacted you and brought up those residual feelings...by calling to 'check up on you' he's doing just what he did for you in the A..a feeling of validation (sp?) most likely. And I think deep down you know why he contacted you..and its not because he has some deep love attachment, he contacted you to see if there is still an opening for some more sex down the road...Pep was right on..it's not flattery, it's disrespect...

Your H doesn't need to tell you what to do about this hun, you know what to do...let it pass and DO NOT contact him in any way..he already knows that you expect No Contact from him, there's no need to contact him to tell him (again) that you don't want contact...if he calls you again (even if you don't talk to him, which I KNOW you won't if possible..right?) have your H call him back and let him know the two of you won't tolerate this crap...

Suzet and Dreamcatcher

Thanks for the responses. It is a comfort to know that my feelings are "normal." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

H and I discussed them last night. Of course it upset him to a degree, but I think it helped him too, just to understand where I am at with this.

And we still haven't come to any decisions as to what we are going to do. I am afraid that if we do nothing, XOM will try to contact me again. I know this bas*ard, and I know how tenacious he is and what a je*k he is. He doesn't let things go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

But I really do appreciate the comfort and encouragement I have found both here and with my H. I think we are starting to actually talk more now since this has come up than we were doing before. And I know that, for me, because his response was so positive, it has made it much easier for me to approach him to talk.

So see TR? I am improving. And I'm feeling better, about me and about us!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Please be strong!
My W and I reconciled we were working hard on rebuilding our M. Then one day she went to get her hair done at the mall and guess who she sees? OM and the rest is history. He called a few days later and they began talking again. The PA became a EA which damaged our M big time and I'm not certain if we will recover.

I repeat, Please be strong and remember your ptiorities and your commitment to your M. Your H believes in the MB principles and as long as both of you are willing to work on the LB's and fulfilling each others EN's you can have a M that is happy and loving. I wish I could have found this site, back when me and my W first reconciled. Instead of seeking advice, we tried to repair our M based on what we knew or thought.
BIG MISTAKE.

Take care, I know you can do it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Part of me thinks that because OM took the time and effort to find me and call me, he must feel something for me. And that is the part that wants to call and talk to him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SUR, As FWH who had considered calling my FOW repeatedly, I might can offer you some insight.

He's not calling you because he cares about you. I'm sure he may even believe that himself, but the truth is that he misses the feeling of being the Big Man on Campus that he got from you and the other women. He wants the ego rush from having a harem again and he's trying to rebuild it with you. If he truly cared about you, he'd leave you alone.

His contact is purely about HIM and what HE wants.

How do I know? I had to eventually admit that my desire to get in touch with the OW was all about what I wanted, not what was best for her.

You need to have a plan for any future contact. Write the NC letter to his WIFE. Have it ready to go. If he calls again, tell him to never call you again or you will send it. Put TR in charge of pulling the trigger. I guarantee you that will make it stop. If you have to send it, send it registered so she will have to sign for it.

Low

FM,
Thanks for the encouragement!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It really does help me to be stronger when I can come here and have others reinforce what I already know---NO CONTACT!!!

LO,
I understand what you are saying. Just last night, TR and I were having a very similar discussion. Namely, that XOM is only contacting me for his own ego boost.

And as for the NC letter, haven't written one yet...but I really like the idea of registered mail to his W. I hadn't thought of that before!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hi SUR, I'm so glad you decided to post your way through this one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by screwed up royally:
<strong>So why, after 16 months, when I have finally started to heal, to start to forgive myself, does he have to come back and ruin it?

Part of me thinks that because OM took the time and effort to find me and call me, he must feel something for me. And that is the part that wants to call and talk to him.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just KNEW there was a reason I was so into you and TR's original posts about this last week! I found out just what that reason was this weekend. (Gee, maybe I'm psychic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) H and I attend an annual car show which OM knew we attended but since he has no interest in vintage cars or surf music he's never been. Probably 40,000 people attend this particular show so what are the chances we'd run into him?

Pretty good apparently, but not surprising considering his f**gging stalking skills. It's been TWO YEARS, SUR! I am not feeling flattered but more like Pep suggested, angry. Not angry, angry, not furious, but maybe more annoyed/irritated that my H has to go through worrying and asking me how I "feel" about it for three days in a row. Angry, because I maintained no contact, because I've changed my life and just angry because I did not choose this to happen. Because this SOB may have been at loose ends, now we've got to deal with it.

You are fortunate that the OM in your case has a wife you can tattle to, we have no such choice. You are in the driver's seat, SUR which is a heck of a lot better postion to be in than you were before. I know you had a submissive role in the A, it is hard to change your thinking especially after you hear his voice but think of it: You are holding all the aces here. You can contact the wife, shut him down before he calls again. (And you know he will if you're not proactive.)

You need something to feel good about. Taking action is going to make you feel good, strong, in charge of your own life. He can only "ruin" your life if you let him.

He's already almost done it once so why should you give him that kind of authority over you now, why give him power over you again? You've got TR on your side this time but you need to be the one to do the actual "dirty work" as he said. You can do it easily if you don't dwell on wishful thinking.

Your sense of worth is not contained in this man's eyes, SUR. It can't possibly be. You and TR have done a lot of work to rebuild your lives and the sense of worth that you can have from the long suffering man who has BEEN THERE for you in spite of your foolishness is PRICELESS. Please read my post to RookKev along this line. Why my BS deserves my respect

Don't EVEN waste time thinking that OM took all this time and effort to find you as a positive. IT'S NOT. I could do the same and daydream about how OM thought of me as he ironed his shirt, doodied up his hair ect. I could think about how much time he spent planning this in hopes of "accidentaly" running into me (hopefully not w/ H) at the show. What really happened was that he saw H and I having a great time together. He saw us as a couple.

Don't give this OM power over what happens in your life or your marriage anymore. He is out of the picture, a blip in the screen, in the past. You no longer have to pleace, placate, or comply with him in any way. His phone call is not flattering, it is downright insulting when you think about his past actions toward you.

He called, now do something quick. Show TR you mean business! I showed my H by doing something I personally don''t really like to do, I held his hand in public. He knows I'm not into PDA's so that meant a lot to him and sent a message loud and clear to OM. Send YOUR message, SUR. Contact the wife (registered letter is a great idea!)and make it crystal clear you do not welcome contact from him.

OM doesn't respect boundaries but you've got to hold on to yours anyway. You KNOW what happened when you didn't so don't delude yourself into yet another fiasco. OM is no friend of yours. As Low said, he does not have your best interest at heart, only his own. Actually, for all you know he is scheduled for a trip out your way and is trying to lay some groundwork before he arrives. (I am SO suspicious aren't I? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

He's an [censored] SUR, don't even waste more time thinking on this than you need to. Take action, let TR help you with the letter, make it a joint project. When you are done, go do something special together, have some fun. You deserve it, both of you. KB

Be proactive with creeps. ALWAYS!

Years ago, I was driving home from work at 11PM with the top down on my red sports car... (now I drive a van with thousands of cup holders... just shut up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

I was followed home by a man in a car. I did not know he was there until I got out of my car (in the alley) to open the garage door.

The man stepped out and tried to sweet talk me... trying to flatter me that he just had to follow me because I was so cute...

bull****

I went on the offensive right away and I scared the hell out of him..

I started agressively stomping toward him with my fists clenched, and I was swearing like a drunken sailor,
"How DARE you speak to me you MF, get out of here or I will ...." blah blah blah various threats...

I made myself VERY UNattractive and a little crazy... and that man left with NO intention of following this crazy woman home again...

Be agressively UNattractive...

It is NOT flattering to be followed home and cornered by a creep in an alley.... and the OM is doing his own type of cornering..

He is counting on you to be weak and flattered.... change his mind...

Be the crazy & angry lady he will never want to speak to again ....with your husband to back you up.

THINK about this... this man is attempting to HURT your life by interfering with your family!!!!!!

Pep

kb,

You are absolutely right!! XOM is and always will be a total a**! And believe me, I have thought about the fact that XOM may actually have the b*lls to try and show up at my current job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I keep thinking to myself how wonderful it would be to be able to see him escorted out of the building, for a second time. (He was escorted out at our previous place of employment and I wasn't in a frame of mind to be there to see it!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In fact, I mentioned this to TR last night. So I really don't think you are being SO suspicious. I already thought of it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep,

Thanks for the encouragement and advice. TR and I still have not decided exactly what to do yet.

As for being the crazy and angry lady...I did that the last time. That is, the time I went to our HR department and eventually lost him his job. I WAS angry...he was trying to get ME fired!! And I'm sure that he tried (and probably succeeded) to convince his W that I was just totally NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!

So being the angry and crazy lady will be "just like old times" as far as that is concerned. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Definitely more food for thought. Thanks!