WW wants to be friends if we get divorced. We had a good friendship but this affair this time I think will destroy it. Should try to pals or just friendly for children

Yep, thay all want to be "friends." It's straight from the WS script. If they can be friends, it lessens their sense that they did anything wrong - "everything's OK, all better now!"

I suggest you let her actions define her "friend" capacity. You have standards for friendship and you can choose who meets those standards. If an unrepentant liar and a cheat meets your friend definition, you have your answer.

awsome good answer, I have felt that if we could be friends that would lessen her lose. She has always cherised our friendship(until now).She is concerned that we will not have one. But I feel she does not deserve it. I agree

SA,
I think you've answered yourself, but don't be so rough with her. I know you want to, and have every RIGHT to, but it won't help YOU.

Tell her, you couldn't handle it. Mutual respect is all you can muster for the sake of your children.

Let her know that it would be too painful for you.

Hmmmm.Lemme see.WH wants to be friends too after the D.

WH:
-committed adultery
-protected homewrecker first instead of me when I was told of A
-put needs of self and homewrecking trash first
-stops seeing kids as much as he used to,again putting selfish needs first
-lies and tells half truths to his family and me
-threw away 20 year friendship,13 year marriage for homewrecker
-left me with no choice but to end marriage since he refuses to do anything and wants to be with homewrecker
-hurt my children with his actions
-called me the homewreckers name <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
-sneaks and hides information
-pretends that everything is just fine even though I am dying inside
-is about to make me a single parent
-hurt my children <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />


YEAH I REALLY want to be friends with my WH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

NOT in this lifetime.Once we are officially divorced,that is IT.

O

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

well I guess I know what I need to do if this happens. it will consequences of her actions. price she has to pay.

translation: I want you to be nice to me after I F you over with the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. That way I don't have to face the consequences of my cruelty. So, please just lay there and enjoy it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> \

WH:
-committed adultery
-protected homewrecker first instead of me when I was told of A
-put needs of self and homewrecking trash first
-stops seeing kids as much as he used to,again putting selfish needs first
-lies and tells half truths to his family and me
-threw away 20 year friendship,13 year marriage for homewrecker
-sneaks and hides information


O </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just what everyone looks for in a "friend!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

yall are awsome. if she valued our friendship she should not have done this

SA

Friendship is usually based on mutual admiration, trust, compatibility, interests, morals, etc., etc. It's hard to backpaddle when you thought you had all of that.

If you two share these things, then, yeah, sure...remain friends. There are plenty of divorced couples who are doing well. Adultery changes the playing field, ruins trust, hurts all that it touches.

Sure will be hard to get past that.

Being "friends" is of course fogspeak for "I'm not gonna stop, so get used to it."

I guess if you do Divorce, you'll know then what to do. How can this question be answered right now anyway? You may certainly change your mind in the future.

Great points, What! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi, it's uncanny how connected these WS's must be. They must all get their advice from the same cheaters 101 class. (Can you tell I am venting?;-)
I caught my WW out again this morning. After much denial and then disgust at my having snooped around and caught her out again, she tells me that no matter what she really wants us to be friends.
There were some excellent answers posted that make me realise that I am being a doormat by saying "ok, lets be friends". I guess that by not giving her that satisfaction, it may help force her live with and be responsible for her actions. Having said that, in the fog, who knows how many milliseconds the guilt will last;-)

Sorry, didn't log SUR out.
Not used to her posting here yet.

<small>[ July 19, 2004, 06:56 AM: Message edited by: screwed up royally ]</small>

swimming alone,

You asked for opinions so here's mine:

I believe that an attainable goal is to be "friendly" towards one another. (respectful, civil, courteous, ect,.)
Yes, both a Doable and admirable place to shoot for.

However, actually being real and true "Friends"....OK.......well.......I just think that is a "bit" of a stretch.

If the 2 of you had the capacity to be able to be "friends" again (if you ever really were)...then IMO you'd be able to salvage the M and reconcile.

Do I think its possible to get beyond the hurt, the anger and the resentment.. and have an Amicable (or perhaps even better) relationship with an EX that is also your WS.. with their A as the Reason for the breakup?
Short answer...YES.

With that said, are the chances of you actually being friends very high? NOPE.

Although it does depend on what your definition of "friends" is.
Are you sure that YOU and your W are placing the same conditions and expectations on being a Friend?
I suspect most likely not.

My advise: Aim to be friendly.
Its a more reasonable and easier goal to reach and for the long term maintain.

Besides, being friendly is the First step to being friends anyway.
Should you BOTH prove to be able to handle that step....Then an escalation of your relationship toward true "friendship" could be warranted.

Unfortunately, Don't count on it though. Odds are way, way against it.
Too hard because of the history you have here (friends are usually expected to be non judgmental and almost unconditionally supportive). Really think that is possible with a WS who's also an Ex.
Tough row to hoe their brother!

Although of course some out there have made it work. (minuscule percentage, I'd gather) Perhaps you can too.

If that's your ultimate goal.....I'll wish you Good luck & please don't drive AFTER you Drink! (cause you will be)

In any case, Just be glad your choices are "friendly" or "friends"
Too many others choices are "hate you more" OR "wish you'd just hurry up and die already".

Knowing that: Take heart that your perhaps already ahead in the game on the coparenting front. Good news for your kids.
later

swim - my answer, and I bet those of the others, are focused on the situation that your marriage doesn't recover.

I hope you understand that while in Plan A you're doing everything within your ability to be her friend and husband.

Even in Plan B, when contact is unavoidable or by chance, you momentarily revert to Plan A and be "friendly".

I bet you know this, just making sure.

WAT

WAT,

I was responding to the way Swimming Alone asked the question.

That being "IF" they Divorce.

Yea, I agree that he should currently be doing ALL he can to save the M. Having and following a clear plan and doing his best to stick to the rules.

No M is dead till the papers are signed & filed. (& sometimes not even then).
later

ok good answers. I am in plan B and actually have been kind of cold to her or just ignore her when I am around her. I thought that is what I was supposed to do. Help me here. I do not understand my wife and I are best friends so why can't we work things out.. Fog and Alcohol. I guess.

H and I were best friends until the day he met OW, then everything changed. One day he wants to be friends and then the next he doesn't. Guilt I guess. I feel that as long as he is with OW "any" kind of friendship is out of the question. If she was totally gone I do believe we could be friends again. Not before and not until. I am in Plan A so I "try" to be friendly. Works some of the time. Now H doesn't even want friendship with me. Everything changes from day to day. Believe it or not sometimes when you treat them like crap they respond better. Go figure.

If I am cold she responds better and sometimes she gets mad. Be good or not good when treat her. Be cordial but not friends.. at least let think that. but if she feels we may not then that is more is thinks she is losing

I am in plan B and actually have been kind of cold to her or just ignore her when I am around her.

why are you around her at all..
she should not see you at all...

ark