It’s been a long two months since discovery and I’m battling with an idea that won’t go away. I know where OW works at and I feel as if I NEED to go there and see what she looks like. I have to know how beautiful she is. I need to know how goodlooking the competition is. I don’t know why I need to do this, but I just need to. She doesn’t know me or what I look like, and she works in a customer oriented place, so she wouldn’t know its me, but I don’t know if I should do it.

My WH thinks that no good would come of it and it would only hurt me (not that she’s a supermodel type, he says). But, I really need to see her. Do any of you have any advice on this? Have any of you gone through this type of thing? Things are going well with WH and I, but he thinks this will reopen wounds (I say they haven’t even closed yet) and that it will take us right back to the beginning and I’ll be hurt all over again. I need some advice please.

(for background, WH has had NC since 5/28/04 and doesn't want to see her at all. We have been working on our marriage non-stop and things are going well. He's been very caring and loving towards me and doing his best to put up with my mood swings, etc. He feels very positive about the marriage working, but wonders if I'll ever heal and stop hurting, which upsets him).

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: halseybach ]</small>

Please for your own sake "don't" see this woman. The image of H and OW together still makes me sick inside. It's one thing to imagine, it's quite another to know for sure. I wish I had never seen her, much less talked to her. Trust me OW in my case is not beautiful by any means and is in fact fat and ugly. She has teeth missing. Her looks have nothing to do with what happened. If your husband wants to work on the M then that's all that matters. She is not the compition, you are. Save yourself hurt and heartache. She's not worth it. Good luck!

I agree, it's probably better not to see her to have a face to go with it, but I see images in my head constantly and in my head, she is stunning and beautiful and fit and trim, everything I'm not. It drives me insane thinking of all those women he's been with (5 since 2001) and just this once I have the chance to see what kind of woman makes him stray. The faceless beautful woman in my head would have a face. It may kill me, but not knowing is killing me also. My self esteem is just torn into shreds.

I guess it depends on the person.

It drove me crazy that I did not know the OW or know what she looked like.

I felt like I had an enemy out there that I couldn't identify. That enemy could be standing right in front of me and I wouldn't even know it.

I felt much better once I saw a picture of the OW.

Just my $.02.

Take care.

sss

yes! That's exactly it. OW is a Mexican woman and every Mexican woman I see I wonder if its her. I know she's 5'2" and weights 125 and has long brown hair. That's it. So, every time I see a Mexican woman that fits that description (actually, most Mexican women since 3 of his A's were with Mexicans) I get so angry and feel violent and sad and all these other emotions. Same goes for Asian women, since one A was with an Asian while on deployment. I wonder if she looked like that, or whatever. No offense to Asians or Mexicans, that's just how I feel. All these women knew he was married and its soured me big time. The final A was a white woman. When I see a beautiful woman, I automatically can't stand her and feel jealous and miserable and low, very, very low.

I had to see the ow too. I understand completely what you are talking about.

I drove by her house until I saw her...and it was worth every minute of it. It was what I needed. I did have horrible thoughts about them together and I didn't expect that, but it was still worth it.

The reason I needed to do it was because I never wanted to find out she was next to me at the grocery store or any other place and not know. Some days I would be able to handle it but others I may not. Also, H said he was afraid we might run into her (unlikely but possible) and he said he would tell me if we did, but I didn't trust him either. So, I did my homework. She saw my car drive by and guacked as I drove by-she knew who I was but I had the visor down and was resting my face on my hand-I don't think she got a good look at me.

She told H she was afraid I would kill her dogs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Don't get me wrong...I would NEVER do anything to a dog (not even hers) but I did like that she was looking over her shoulder <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We have recently had it confirmed that she doesn't live in the same house and I called her place of employment and she no longer works there either. Satisfaction. I didn't want her to live here anymore.

Do what YOU need to do. Your H needs to try to understand this...it can't be explained...it's just a horrible violation and hopefully he will be willing to let you do what you need to in order to move on.

Halseybach,

I just found out 2 days before our 14th anniverssary that my husband has been having an affair for the past year. We have been going to counseling working on our marriage for over the past year. He broke it off with her and she made my life hell. Phone calls day and night and finally she sent me emails that basically told the whole story. My husband has been working out of state and I called him and asked him what was going on. His silence on the other end of the phone told me all I needed to know. At first he would not tell me who she was but I told him that if he didn't give me all the info I wanted to know - he shouldn't bother to come home ever again. He gave me her name, address and phone number. I had already met her once when my husband introduced me to her at her place of work! Didn't really remember exactly what she looked like. To make a long story short, when he got home, we both went to see her at her other place of work and I told her that if she ever called or emailed me again, I would press charges and get her fired from her place of work. My husband told her it was over and to not bother us again.

I would have bet my life that he would not have ever committed adultry and am still in shock (found out 6/27/04).

For me, it was good for both of us to see her and let her know it was over for good. A good friend of mine once told me that what goes around comes around and I am sure she will get hers in the future.

There is some info on ivillage about forgiveness and 10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse, you might take a look.

As a woman who can say she knows how you feel, I wish you the best.

feeling betrayed

Halseybach,

Most A's are about how the OP makes the WS FEEL not how the OP looks.So all in all it doesn't really matter what the destroyer looks like but what they do or say to the WS.There's where the "competition" lies.

Also,I too saw a picture(s) of my WH with the homewrecker and I wish I had not.They are smiling at one another,one on a beach and in one,the homewrecker is standing mext to my WH at some New Year's eve party,smiling a big a smile like the cat that caught the canary.You can bet that I'd like to wipe that smirk off her face.

O

married and lonely: When I talked to OW, I told her that if she ever called my H again, I'd sue her for loss of consortium and intentional infliction of emotional distress! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I also told her I would call both places of employment and speak with her supervisors. You're exactly right about wanting to know if she's standing next to you in the line at the supermarket. She lives so close to us, that its a given that some day I'll see her, and I don't trust H not to tell me its her. I have fantasies about what I'd do or say to her if she even looked at me or H wrong.

Feeling Betrayed: First, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand completely how you feel. I never thought my H would do this. I thought he had too much honor, being a Marine and good father and all. It was a sucker punch out of nowhere and hurt more than anything in the world. I wish you the best in recovery. What is ivillage?

Octobergirl: Thankfully, there are no pictures of them together. For him, it was just sex, for her it was love, but H never got that close to have those emotional bonds (thats what he says anyhow, even know this A lasted a year). You're probably right about it not being about looks, but I still feel the need to know what she looks like, for the above reasons as well as the ones that I posted earlier. I am VERY afraid though, so I don't really know what I'm going to do.

Here's my 2cents..

Women # 1) Works at our business - so I have to see her daily.Since WH won't admit his A with her he won't get rid of her..She is attractive - but, when I now look at her what I see is an attractive tramp who would do anything for money and power. If she sleeps with the boss she gets power- if wife finds out - and leaves she has a chance of what money is left..I dont' see her as attractive anymore.

Women # 2) Use to work at our business - she is not attractive at all. It helps my self esteem to know that he used her for sex only - he was NOT in love with her. It empowers me to see how low my WH can sink rather than make love to his attractive W he chose this women...DAH.. He used her, she has very low self esteem. I actually feel sorry for her. I find it amusing that I would not sleep with a male version of this women - I feel above that level..

Women # 3) I have not seen her - though WH says she is: F***** Ugly.. I do plan on seeing what she looks like - I know where she lives - I just haven't been able to knock on her door yet.

Women #4) I have not seen her either - though, my PI says she's: Average...

Women #5) ???? I think he's out looking to find her yet...

I understand how you feel - I'd say go for it...I too feel that I could be standing right next to one of them and never know it but I bet they know what I look like..Which angers me..I have a right to know who's been sleeping with my WH..

I don't think it can "hurt" you - you've been hurt just knowing she exists - seeing her shouldn't make much of a difference. It would just make her more "real"..and you have to know that you can handle that part of it..

Good luck in whatever decision you make..But, I'd want to know too..Bet no matter what she looks like - you have far better qualities than she can ever posses..

I confronted OW right off. I wanted OW to know Husband had a wife who loved him. OW was of average looks. I was glad I knew what she looked like. Yes I see pictures in my head and it disgusts me. Yes it made me sick talking to her knowing they were intimate. But I was hopeing to get her to leave him alone. Only problem was, she was pregnant with husband's baby.

It Hurts: The first 4 women, there's no way I could see what they looked like. They were all one night stands while he was on deployment with the Marines in various places. The fifth and longest (a year) is here close to me. What in the world is average? That's what my H said and I don't know what it means. From her height and weight she gave me, that sounds like a good looking woman to me. It would help if their were a hideous medusa like head attached to her body.

Genia, I'm sorry for your heartache. I can't imagine that. I worry every day that OW will call and say she's pg, but since the last time they had sex was May 13, I think we would know by now. I'm hoping not, though. I think that would put me over the edge.

Only other problem is, if she sees me and figures out who I am (I wouldn't speak to her, but you never know) she may feel she can win back H because I am not pretty!! (5'6" 175lbs). I'm not really ugly, but I have the typical post-babies body and such. Also, I can't feel as if I've given her a weapen to use, and if she found out who I was, I think my looks could become a weapen.

Don't think any men have replied...

Halseybach, this is not about your appearance. Your H is a serial adulterer. He doesn't do it because you aren't beautiful enough for him! He does it because he is a mental patient.

I have never seen OM and I do not want to. I have never dreamed about him and I'd like to keep it that way.

The sparrow has become a damned scary character in my dreams, unfortunately. I used to dream of her coming back to me and I'd wake up disappointed. Now I dream she's incredibly evil and I wake up relieved she's only cheating on me and trying to divorce me. Good times.

GC

Hi,

Don't be so down on yourself. I said OW was average but she probably weighed as much as you. She was big at the top though. I weigh 135 but I was small compared to OW. It is not about looks. It is about what needs OW can meet that he might be missing from you. Do you have a pretty face? Find something good about yourself. Smile. Dress up. Put on makeup. Walk up to OW. Smile and say, do you know my husband. When she says yes, say well I wanted you to meet me. I am his wife and he loves me very much. Hows that. You will feel good that you put her in some pain so if she gets with husband she can see pictures in her head also. How's that.
On second thought Greycloud may be right.

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Genia ]</small>

Graycloud: you are probably right. My H was with her for sex and I admit that during my pregnancy, we weren't having a lot of sex. Fortunately, this has been corrected. I do dream about her and its horrible. I also dream that everyone in my family betrays me. That's really horrible.

Genia: I've been trying to really improve myself. Yes, my face is pretty and I've lost 40 pounds since February. I went out and bought all new panties and bras and pajamas from Victoria's Secret so I can feel good about myself. I'm not hideous by any means, so I guess I'd be average myself. I'm not sure.

Your idea is a good one, but I think if I had to talk to her face to face and she knew who I was, I may have to hurt her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have this dream where I pick her up by the throat and throw her across my lawn. That's sick, isn't it?

"I have this dream where I pick her up by the throat and throw her across my lawn. That's sick, isn't it?"

Not if your motive for throwing her across the lawn is 2 save her from having your hand around her throat? You're helping her with her breathing!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 21, 2004, 06:50 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

My OW (yuck, surely not MINE in any way!!!!)

Start over...
I think the need to see OW is valid. I don't know anything about my WH's OW. (except once he said she isn't really any prettier than me and she is single and she is 10 yrs. younger than me)

And sometimes this is good - I can't possibly call her up and have a confrontation I would regret later.

And overall it is probably bad... If he moves out, I'll have to meet her then on top of everything else, how overwhelming. Also, never having met her allows me to sometimes almost forget she exists. In many ways she is not real to me. And she deserves to be real to me. And I think having that realism of seeing the actual person would be a great motivator to me of beefing up Plan A or maybe even moving me to plan B.

I also share this fear of sometime being next to her in a checkout line - and not knowing who she is... How can she know private things about me and I don't even know her name....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Not if your motive for throwing her across the lawn is 2 save her from having your hand around her throat? You're helping her with her breathing! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are too funny! Yes, that'll be my excuse when I'm thrown in the slammer!!

bgentle: he didn't tell you anything else about her? I know basically what OW looks like, but not enough detail to satisfy me that I would know her if I saw her. OW is 5'2", 125, long brown hair (middle of back) and Mexican. Has three kids. Drives a minivan. Works at firestation and pharmacy (I know where both of those are). I know where her house is. I know about her bankruptcy, her divorce, a couple misdemeanors, speeding tickets.....I could go on and on. You see, I do research for a living and I definately did my homework. I figure, the more info you're armed with, the better you're prepared for anything else.

Anyone ever considering threatening OW to scare her away from you man?
S