My WW has been checking MB site and discussion board. At first I thought it might be good. I have changed my mind.

She is just again looking for justification. She taunts me about my posts here. Makes crybaby faces and whines. She asks if I'm going to talk to my MB groupies.

She sacastically says to me, "you don't even know these people, they're not your friends" Treats it like I'm having and EA with the discussion board. Has even directly called it an "EA" something she learned from reading here.

Anyway, did anyone else have a WS visit MB? Invited or otherwise. My WW is committed to divorce so maybe that is why she is so hostile to the site. Maybe if there were recovery in process it be viewed differently.

As she tells me often enough though. I don't know anything.

I've been trying to get my Fogman to check out the site for awhile and finally got him to read a WS thread. The next thing you know, he was registered and posting. He didn't like the responses of course. He's foggified, so I wasn't surprised.

Maybe MB is becoming an LB to him, but I've also learned in this that something that pisses him off when talking about the A sinks into his brain, anything else just gets deflected. Funny, that.

Tom,
I'm a male BS and believe me you and I are not having an EA. lol

I'm guessing that based on your W's completely immature attitude that she is still deep in the affair. Is this correct?

My take on WS coming here is that it's probably only a good idea in a few circumstances.

If a WS finds the site on their own, that means they are trying to end the affair or are trying to get advice on what to do to save the marriage.

If a WS is directed to the site, I would only do this if I felt I was in recovery. If the spouse is still in the affair, they can use the info posted here in the same immature and vindictive way that your W is doing.

Same goes for BS IMHO, I'm not sure that they should be sent here until they make the decision that they are at least going to try to recover the marriage.

I would suggest in either circumstance keeping your log in name a secret. I committed to trying to recover my marriage in Sept '03. If my W had read some of my vents I think she would have gotten very disenchanted and may have lost hope for recovery.

That's my opinion. I'm sure others may feel differently.

mac

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

You poor thing, it’s so cruel of your wife to undermine your support system. Perhaps you could explain calmly to her that MB’s are all you have since you lost your best friend. Your wife is obviously threatened by us, knowing that nobody who is here will agree with what she’s doing and that’s probably why she needs to belittle us.

I got my H to post his story here after another D-day once, hoping that he’d get some encouragement to do the right thing. His story was mostly justifications about why he had the affair. His points were all valid concerning his dissatisfaction with me and our marriage, but the story was told through his anger and defensiveness and painted a picture that was very biased against me. I thought the experienced posters would see this and guide him back to the issue of the A, but instead I got quite a bashing, at a time when I was really losing my mind with grief. It almost sent me over the edge and H regretted telling his story and never posted again.

I also regret bringing him here, as he only reads my threads. This means I’m restricted in what I say, which is frustrating because I have no-one else to talk to. If ever I start a thread, I have to do it with him in mind and refrain from venting. Sometimes I’m bursting with things I’d really like to say! I haven’t got another soul to say them to. It would all be worth it if he only read some other threads and the amazing advice they offer.

I agree with cwmac. WS’s should only come here in their own good time, which my H says he eventually will.

I think he gets a bit irritated with me lurking here all the time, but he understands I need something to cling to and MBs has really been my life line.

Another point. I view MB as a virtual support group. It would have been very difficult for me to go to a real support group. Too embarrassing and too humiliating eventhough the other men and women there would have been in my same shoes.

It's a virtual community that communicates to a BS that they are not alone. There are others in there situation in the next town, state and country. Without this feeling of community I personally think that the entire BS discovery process would seem so lonely and isolated. Depression + feelings of isolation can = suicide.

I think this board has probably helped a number of people stay away from that drastic result. Well that and our happy pills. lol

Mac

Are you seeing a IC? That can help too but it's not the same.

Early on in our recovery (or non-recovery), I encouraged my FWH to come out here. He did once or twice but was not impressed.

After three months of MC, I found out FWH was still lying about the A and a lot of other stuff. He said that the MB site/forum was keeping me from *getting over his A*. He claimed that it kept his A right in my face since I did nothing but read about other A's all day long.

I was hurt, sad, angry, confused and didn't know who I was. Imagine that. I told H that this site was helping me more than he could ever know.

Now that he's actually in recovery, he understands why I log onto MB every day. Part of me wishes he would register here also. But, then again, I have vented A LOT instead of bashing his head in. If he had been reading here, I don't think he would have liked some of my posts.

Sounds like your W is still FOGGY and not committed to recovery.

Take care.

sss

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

Cheffy sure does sound an awful lot like she could be your wife...must have been weird for you to read.

Any chance?

Tom,

I am so sorry that your WW is riding you so hard about this. Her reaction seems to be a knee jerk one in response to being slapped in the face by the reality of what she reads here. It would certainly be unpleasant for anyone to have to face the harm they've done.

That being said, she WILL have to face it one way or another someday. I pray that when she does, the facade that she's built up doesn't topple on her so hard that she won't recover. Foggiland isn't capable of supporting or sustaining anyone for long, you know.

I just recently told my dh about posting here. Since we are recovering nicely, I've come to believe that he'd be a huge help to other ws - but he rarely has time to login. We've both gained much insight about ourselves and each other through this very rough patch in our Path to God and each other.

Whatever happens, there are people here that support you and are praying for you, your wife and your children.

- Kimmy

PS - I take great offense to the thought that we here are an EA. I dunno why that struck such a chord, but I think maybe it's because we are trying to help and cope, not be a crutch....

Trix, It is wierd. But I bet that others in my position are probably thinking the same thing. I guess it is a common reaction. At least that's what my IC says.

SHe did ask how I'd feel if she came on here and told everyone how terribe I've been. Told her I admitted to this board that I've missed some things, developed some self-destructive and marriage destructive habits. But not mean-spirited or because I didn't care. It was because I didn't know any better. Now I know somethings that I thought I already knew but was mistaken.

Cheffy is not my WW. She is on the road today.

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 03:58 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

Tom,
I agree. Cheffy sure does sound like your wife. Could she be trying to justify her affair. Cheffy sure sounds "foggy" to me and a little into "HERSELF". As we all know no one is perfect but Cheffy sounds desperate with this A thing. Believing all that internet sh**.

Tom:

good 2uestion.

Okay. I've been here a long darned time. Very early on, like a month or 2 after d-day, I told my W about the site, told her my login name, and invited her 2 check it out for herself...

...she wasn't interested.

After a 2ple thousand posts, I thought we were doing well enough 2 try again, but I was concerned about some of the things I said and that others responded 2 me that she might read as unfairly judgmental of her. So, I killed off the 2long name and started over as T-zero (then changed it 2 Qfwfq, a character IN the book T-zero, by Italo Calvino - but with the same member number).

Even when I copied and pasted one of my threads in its entirety in2 an email 2 my W, she wasn't interested. She was a little interested in the subject, "what does marriage mean 2 you?", but she never came here.

So, about a year ago, I switched back 2 2long (though I still use Qfwfq from time 2 time, and it's my primary login name on another forum).

We're doing better now, she's going through withdrawl from RM (and yes, that's a disrespectful nickname I've given him, but I don't respect him), but she's still not interested.

I don't know if she ever will be, but I don't worry about that so much anymore.


I think the important thing is that we should all try 2 conduct ourselves here as though our spouses were reading what we write. I still screw up sometimes, but for the most part I tell my W what I say here, so long as it's relevant and something she might find interesting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . This is a good strategy for self-improvement anyway. If you can be considerate of your spouses when you post here, you can do a lot better 2ward improving things at home...

If Mrs Joad is reading this, I would like 2 be the first one 2 extend 2 you a warm welcome. No expectations for a reply, just a little empathy from one of the many here who knows what you and your H are going through.

There are no miracle cures out there, as there are none here. There may be some kernels of wisdom and even truth here, if you sift deep enough and ponder what you read with some objectivity. Perhaps some spark that will ignite a spurt of evolution in your thinking?

Anyway, those are my thoughts, I could be wrong.
-ol' 2long

Tom... I've gotten the same thing a few times. TBXWW knows I post here, and on a couple of other boards, and been very critical of me for doing that. Admittedly, some of my posts have been less than charitable towards her. But I also got grief for the fact that I posted here at all.

You have the right to do constructive things to keep yourself afloat emotionally right now, especially since you're apparently heading for divorce. Just remind yourself (and her, if she criticizes you for posting) that you're dealing with your unhappiness exactly the way she should have dealt with hers: by talking to others who have been there, by trying to understand, by trying to make sense of it all. You're not the one who dealt with disatisfaction by going out and finding people other than your spouse to have sex with.

By coming here, you're dealing with your issues in a constructive way. I too have admitted on this and other boards that I allowed myself to develop modes of behaviour that may have contributed to her behaviour and to the death of the marriage. Like you, my modes of behaviour weren't offensive or hurtful, and they certainly weren't because I didn't care. Sometimes, in fact, I wonder if my biggest problem was that I cared TOO much, at the expense of myself and my own wants.

I've also suggested that she post to this or other boards; I guess because it seems a bit unfair that, by reading what I post, she has an automatic portal into my thoughts about things on a given day. I don't have that, and I never did. Her answer has been that she doesn't post because she figures she'd be roasted alive on here if she did.

Fundamentally, what she's wanting you to do is to stop taking advantage of a source of comfort and experience that you have found valuable and helpful. I'm sorry to say, but given that she's the one moving towards divorce, your needs with regard to emotional and psychological healing should take precedence over her needs or wishes.

Stay strong, brother...

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: reservoirdog1 ]</small>

Tom:

"Cheffy is not my WW. She is on the road today."

Ever hear of internet cafes?

-ol' 2long

LOL 2long... but I doubt it. She's not the savy. Of course I thought she was alot less savy than she is. She had me tricked for awhile according to her. Of course, again, maybe I wanted to be tricked.... maybe I wanted to believe. Maybe she didn't trick me, I tricked myself.

Tom:

"She's not the savy."

This is a disrespectful judgment, you know.

"Of course I thought she was alot less savy than she is."

So is this.

"She had me tricked for awhile according to her."

Well, if she said something like this, then what: She was telling you the truth about lying to you? Also, she was being disrespectful of you at the same time. Mr and Mrs Joad, it IS possible 2 be respectful of one another and STILL want 2 be apart. It's called "amicable".

"Of course, again, maybe I wanted to be tricked.... maybe I wanted to believe. Maybe she didn't trick me, I tricked myself."

Well, I will only say that we all do this 2nd guessing stuff. Think of it as mental mas2rbation, which is all it is and all it's worth.

You both have a lot of work 2 do, if this is representative of how you think of each other.

Tom, the only way 2 stop playing along with this is 2 STOP IT. Live by example how you'd like 2 be treated.

-ol' 2long

Sorry for mistake

<small>[ July 20, 2004, 06:00 PM: Message edited by: Cheffy ]</small>

Cheffy:

Is it just a coinky-dink that this and your own 2 threads are the ONLY one's you've looked at since you came here 2day?

Sorry if I'm letting my imagination run amok.

It doesn't really matter who you are, my posts 2 you will be the same... ...if you're interested.

best,
-ol' 2long

Tom, give it some time. Early into recovery my BH found this site and finally felt that he had the information he needed to understand what had happened. MB is very good at giving us labels for emotions and actions so that we can speak a "common language." He of course wanted me to visit but it was entirely too threatening to me at the time.

One of his early mistakes was to give me printed threads of BS feelings so that I would be able to understand that what he was going through was normal. I used to call it "threadbashing" and resisted reading the stuff as long as I could get away with it. It wasn't till he changed tactics and pointed me to WS threads that I began to understand that we BOTH fit into a common behavior pattern and that I could benefit from MB time. It was Chorus's posts that were instrumental in getting me to where I was receptive to MB.

Interestingly, I also ended up accusing my H of having an EA with MB, not in the sexual chemistry sense of course, but in the sense that he was so heavily invested in this board's opinions of things. I still do believe it is possible to have an EA with a message board but in our case we were able to POJA his time here to the point where it was not as much of a problem. Be careful not to fall into this common trap. Whenever a spouse values the opinions of others over their own spouse, trouble is on the horizon!

We ended up POJAing his not visiting the Just Found Out Board first, because it was entirely too triggering and because he had a tendency to "borrow" other people's emotions with the result that I ended up paying the price when he got home. I could tell from just one look if it had been a "heavy" day on MB. He also spent way too much time on MB during work hours resulting indirectly in income loss. Obviously none of this was healthy for our recovery.

He checks in occasionally now but nowhere near what he used to. I actually think he only does it when he's got nothing else going on, in other words it's no longer a compulsion. He has never posted as he is a VERY private man, but I do post here and there still. I believe that giving back to this site is important but my real life has to take precedence over cyberlife and I've got a HUGE real life! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tom, you will find this a wonderful and comforting place to be especially now, but do not let it become your life. If you are commited to recovering your marriage despite your WW's foggy talk and selfish actions you must put into practice what you learn from your time here. She will have a different opinion of MB if she sees positive changes in you as a result of your time.

BTW, everything your wife has said to you, I'm sure I've said to my H. I was reading a thread the other day asking if WSs were complainers as a group and I cracked up because my early impression of BSs on this board was exactly that. I think I used to call the BSs whiners or worse all the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So there you have it.I have said the exact same baloney your wife has and here I am speaking to you now from the vantage point of a recovered marriage.

Spend your time here wisely Tom, use what you learn to better yourself as a person and in time it will translate into a better relationship with all around you regardless of which direction your marriage goes. Oh and yes, take whatever WW says with a grain of salt, it helps. Best, KB

Yes, Tom - my XW got some print outs from her sister of posts I'd written here and accused me of talking about her in a "chat room."

Your W HAS to criticize you about this to help herself maintain her rationalizations. Typical WS guilt and blame projection.

Get this: I arranged an MB get together in my local area in June 2001. On the first evening, me and my son met former MBer SKM, her husband, and former MBer tootrusting. Have you read SKM's posts?

Anyway, my wife caught wind of this and scolded me up and down about taking our son to meet a bunch of strangers from an "internet chat room."

My reply: "Oh, and you think it's OK for our son to spend half his time with OM, a confirmed liar and cheat?"

Not the best Plan A response, but, oh well.

Back to your question, yes, your W's reaction to this site is textbook WS. The basic reason for this is because this site does not approve of her decisions. It's no more complicated than that.

Tom,

Vindictive, small minded people always seek to destroy those they have wounded.

She taunts you with your need for a support group? Why would she do that? To shame you out of getting any support. Because if you were totally alone, she would be better able to do her evil destruction of what remains of your self-esteem.

This woman has emptied your savings. She has boasted to her Vegas lover that she's going to destroy you. While she is a liar at many things, why shouldn't you take her word for it. After all, there is ample evidence that this is the case.

File for protection if you haven't already.

The only way you can save yourself is to remain true to God and the values you hold dear.

Let her mock. Her mockery isn't about you. Mocking people are simply displaying the measure of character they themselves possess. It's scriptural.