I'm so hurt and confused.

My H has decided to cut-off all contact with the OW and end the EA. However, it's only been a week since I found out. He has made so many efforts in this past week to show me he means business and wants tha marriage. He's rally so much, more than I think in our 11 years of marriage.

Problem being .... I feel like I'm the one bieng tested. He ended this EA w/ the OW (on his terms and not on mine). He felt he had to write her or tell her (closure). I wanted no contact at all. Well, he ended talking to her. I felt this was just another way of putting her "friendship" above me and my feelings again (never mind the Ea in the first place). And of course I have been trying to be so supportive. But now I feel foolish and confused. I don't think I'm getting throgh to him how much pain I'm in. I can't stand it. I am writing him an e-mail right now - but I'm fearful I'll say or do something that will give him any excuse to stop all his efforts ..... I really don't know what to do
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Are you willing to post the email here before you send it? It sometimes helps to have a third party's eyes.

Michele

brown,

Be careful at this point. Many WS ends the A on "their terms" and the BS finds out later it wasn't really ended. (I am one of them).

Here are a few comments....

You spouse will NEVER understand what the betrayal feels like to you. You will NEVER understand the emotional state of your spouse. And when I say that, I mean FULLY. You can't FULLY understand something you don't experience, understand? PLEASE don't succumb to the feelings that you need to fully understand each other in this situation. It WILL drive you nuts and will never happen - unless you experience it. Do NOT go there.

Also...

IF your spouse wants to work on the marriage...

Then he will be amenable to MC....

And may even go over the materials on this site...

And come to understand Radical Honesty, POJA, and what true NC is. Do you? Have you read the materials on the board on this?

Don't shove it down his throat, LEAD him to it.

NCWalker

michele
I actually sent it already .... but I also just hung up the phone with him too. He's at work and will home soon.

I'm just so overwhelmed.

NCWalker

Actually, my H found the website b/f I did. he brought me here. That's why I know H means to be trying. I mean he's talking about LB and stuff and reading up on different books. Posting his on "threads".

I just don't have the mentally capacity to do the reading right now. B/c we have been talking and writing so much in the last week.

I just don't what to do with all these emotions.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

brown,

That is the million dollar question. I am a Spiritual person and that helps me. Some exercise and work off the energy.

Let 'em fly here, too. Hardest thing about the A is the stigma that comes with it. Kind of isolates you from people you know. Let 'em rip here, feels good to just write about them.

NCW

hope

desparation

anger

pain

love

disrespect

betrayal

frustration

guilt

saddness

happiness (b/c my H finally har some lightbulbs go on .... notice the pural)

self-esteem

strength

peace (I finally know where the M is at .... I think? - Smile)

"I know don't" .... that's all he had been saying and now I find myself saying it. B/C up until a week ago I was trying to make a go of it and BAM!!!!

Keep praying for us

brown,

I understand being overwhelmed. I've been on both sides. BS then WS. I didn't find this board until I was WS. I don't post much, but I read nearly every day.

Do post here as much as is needed. You are in a good place right now, even if it doesn't seem like it. Your husband is doing things to show he means business. That is a good thing. It will take time. It won't be perfect today or tomorrow, but if you are both committed to making it work, your marriage can be better than you can imagine right now.

I used to have so much wisdom. Not sure what happened to it, but know there are those who are much wiser than me. I'm here to listen and encourage, at least.

Michele

brown,,,

I am a big supportor of the process and structure of marriagebuilders...
I think it offers great support and guidance in a time of extreme chaos...

I believe in its principles....

BUT I also believe in actions greater than words....soooo..

I think that a no contact letter is best because it decreases the chance for a verbal tug of war and continuation of discourse ad-nauseum...and MIGHT lay the precedent for that illusive search for "closure"

BUT in the end...the way someone ends a relationship is less relevant than their actions of maintaining NO contact...

many a contact letter has been written and sent with no actions of no contact...so there is no value to it...

If I were you I would take the burden and focus off of how he ended contact...and set your internal boundaries on the issue of potential continued contact...

power struggling how he did it is futile....
and I have read your husbands posts....and in some cases there may be more dignity to the WS doing it this way....
and BS walk a fine line as do the WS in maintaining dignity....
for if the bigger picture is restoration to the marital partnership....it must be handled with care...

your husband's initial denial to end contact with his friend in his initial post made me smile...he was pretty adamant that HE and HER friendship was "different"...and could survive this while not affecting his recovery with you...

read it and smile I did....

and now a few posts later he sees the importance and the VALUE of brining no contact to YOU and the marriage...quite a change....
for the good to be sure...

so you have the choice to powerstruggle the way that he ends his contact...(he who so very recently had himself convinced he didn't need to end it all)...
OR
you can celebrate that he did it...
and thank him....

choose your battles
look for the bigger picture of saving this marriage in ways that make you two stronger...

Even though painful....watch his actions....more than his words....

leaving an OP with no explanation often fuels the continuum of seeking closure....

the route of no contact way less significant that then the act of no contact....

ark

ARK: I know you read my H's posts .... smile ... And he did become more "responsive" ... And believe me "all" the advice did not point to >>>> Go ahead and keep this unique relationship, you special person, you deserve it>>>> .... We all said "lose the OW"!!!!! I tried to comminuicate to him that the mere fact THERE IS/WAS an OW, was enough to say there was an EA and he is not a king w/ multiple wives. (Smile). You must also know about "accountibily". I found out .... he didn't deny it ... still wanted the the EMR ... but he did try hard to show his "commitmnet " to finding answers .... has made no contact an important issue. Only until, last night, did he SAY "I'm sorry". Though actions do speak louder than words. Words are extremely important to me. I can comminucate completely, if I hear and see it. His actions have already spoken ... take that which ever way you'd like <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, I think you know to from his post that ... I said alot of the same things you did. I believed he responded that he had "under estimated" the both of our words.

I shouldn't under estimate him either.

Thanx for the post .... I'll keep reading and writing if it'll help.

oops - wrong Display name ... I hope I didn't do a big "no, no" .... I guess it shows we're both here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />