Well, the WW and I have a date tonight. I think it will be our last.

We meet with the MC on Saturday and I am going to stress her leaving the house. I can no longer stand her having the A and living in our house. It may be a huge LB and it may be super selfish. I do not think it is. She has swam in her fog for months, and I want her to see what she is chosing.

I will welcome her back with open arms if she ends the A. I will raise that child as my own and defend it to the death, if she ends the A. I will work on my mariage like no other in human history (well, maybe not quite) if the A is over.

I know that sounds like a demand, and you would be correct, it is. I to have been a victim in this M, I cannot stand it. I am not 'strong' enough to continue. My heart and soul are breaking, but like the Phoenix, I can rise again!

If the A is going on, she can have her life. I want mine back.

I need and want a woman that I can love that needs and wants to love me. I cannot play second fiddle any longer. She made her bed, time to lie in it.

How bad is this?

Am I destined for DV? I wish I knew.

Hurray!!!!!!!


No, it is NOT an LB. You're not demanding nor controlling or judging nor punishing nor ANY of those things.

You're simply saying what you will and will not do. THAT is a healthy boundary.

NOW. Are you ready to make it stick?

Please be very careful about this.

If you want to put her out of the house while you keep the kids, you need to consult an attorney before you let her know of this plan.

Otherwise, you may find yourself slapped with an RO and locked out of your own home like another recent poster.

This is going to get uglier before it gets better. You are going to have to be tough for your kids.

Low

I hope so. She may not want this, so we shall see.

To LowOrbit,

I disagree with your comment. I think canthishelp has every right to ask her to leave. She apparently is carrying someone else's child. She opted out of her marriage when she decided to have an affair and the proof will be there that she did not want to be with her spouse. She loses what she had.

Disappointed,
He needs to "protect" himself and his children.

Having an A does not prove she is an unfit mother.

This legal stuff can get pretty tricky.

You'd be surprised how many men get the screws put to them. The legal system doesn't follow the moral path.

Dissapointed,

Please read what I wrote carefully.

Yes, I think he has every right to do it, but he better be darn sure his ducks are in a row when he does or it will come back to bite him in the a$$ when he does it.

You obviously aren't acquainted with what it takes for a man to put his wife out of the house and him keep the kids.

Let's just say the deck is heavily stacked against him while all she has to do is claim "abuse" and the police will tote him away. She's already demonstrated mental defect by her behavior so it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume that she would be willing to lie and accuse him of abuse in order to keep the house and kids. It is, in fact a common tactic.

Low

So..... what happened? And yes, it would be wise to consult an attorney regarding custody for your children. Alternatives abound, and it's important to make sure that you know what evidence you'll need later.

CTH - "Or this could be the start" I posted some stuff on your new posting "nothe the dead zone" I think. Anyway, I can't stress this point enough, GET SOME GOOD LEGAL ADVICE BEFORE FIRING OFF ANY SCUDS to your wife. Last thing you need is to put yourself in a worse situation because the law could work against you. There endeth the sermon.
On a positive note, you sound like you have got your sh1t together over the weekend, whish is great. I am having similar issues to you with my wife, minus the kids as we don't have any.
I will offer some simple advice that has helped me immensely in the last few weeks.
1. Don't get angry when talking to / around your WS (very important).
2. Always talk with love in your heart (hard to do, but it is possible), this will help you get through the fog on some occassions, and they will remember this.
3. Think about what you want to acheive over the long term, what you are prepaired to compromise on, what you know that you cannot. Know this in advance.
4. Try not to loose your temper, especially whilst in MC, this will not help your purpose.
5. Use your spare time wisely (i.e. "The CTH ZONE"), don't sit and ponder, or drink yourself into oblivion.
6. Start doing things for yourself / your children, not out of spite, but out of your need to better yourself.
7. Don't be your own attorney, go and see a real one!!!
There are probably other things, but these are the ones that come to mind.
Take care

Sorry for the delay in the response, but what a weekend.

The date Friday went about the way I thought it would. We went to a movie (the bourne Supre., good if you like action) then to get some curly-cue fries. The night was un-eventfull other than the occasional laugh and her avoiding any physical contact with me at all.

The MC Saturday went about as I had expected too. We talked 1st about seperation and what all that means. After the WW had a good understanding of what it means, I dropped the 'you need to move out' bomb. Well, it got alittle ugly. I did some LB (first time I even showed her anger) and she got up and left. Since we drove together, it did not make much differance, I schedualed another appointment, and she was waiting downstairs quietly.

We spent Saturday OK talking about seperation and stuff. Was a good day. Told her the house would have to be sold. We talked about who would take what. Then we watched Along came Polly, OK movie, not very appropriate for my situation, but funny if you like Ben Stiller.

Sunday morning got ugly. She was looking through the want ads and at apartments. At this point, we were heading towards a legal seperation. The WW does not think she can work anyplace else, so her big concern is that she will end up on the street or something like that. She has some AFAA certifications and I always dis-agree with her when she tells me that. I am not sure if I am right, but since she has never called another gym to determine if she could work at another location, she does not know either. Well, thats a sore subject with her. Needless to say, the conversation ended with her yelling 'I */#$-ing hate you!' and 'I want a divorce' and 'I am going to get a pack of smokes, when I get back have the kids packed and dressed, we are leaving'. I told her no way was she taking the kids. I had to get in her way to stop her. The kids were yelling at her to stop yelling at me. She left.

And came back in 5/10 minutes with a pack of smokes. Went upstairs to bed and stayed there for 3 hours. The balance of the day went OK. (can you say denial!!!) We talked more and I told her the if she continues the A, we are going to file for seperation and have to sell the house. I did not allow for any other options. I told her we were not working on our M or any type of conclusion to our relationship while she was having the A and that until it stopped, the clock was ticking. In NY, you seperate for 1 year (you cannot live together) than, if not contested, your M is over. She honestly thought she could continue the A and work on our marriage.

Sunday night, she was supposed to go to a bar with some work friends, who know and love the OM. One actually told me that the A is in some twisted way helping the M. She thinks the OM is a 'nice guy'. The OM was not invited, as far as the WW knew. I said OK, try to come home early and we can have a fire in the backyard. While she was gone, I drove by the OM house, her car was there. I was furious, but resisted all my anger urges.

She called me early (8:15pm) and said she was coming home. I played dumb and asked how the bar was. She said (hold your breath).... I did not go. She would not talk any more on the phone.

I figured she was coming home to pack. She came home and told me when she got to her friends house, the OM showed up shortly after. My WW and the OM both said that they would not go to the bar, that the other should. She left w/him to go to his house to 'talk'.

She told me she was going to end the A, even though she is Pg w/him. She told me she went to his house and they talked for a while and he said he would respect her wishes to not see him.

I am not sure what to do now. She is not real happy about losing the new love of her life. She does not think she should have to leave him out of the Preg. I hope she does.

I am calling my MC this morning to see if we can get in earlier than Saturday.

That was a long one, but I actually had no CTH zone time until Sunday night, and I did house work till she called.

Well, if she is honest with me, at least I now believe that our M can end after we try one last time.

How's that for a weekend?

I bumped this is a shameless attempt to get some feedback.

Hopefully not breaking the rules.

I bumped this is a shameless attempt to get some feedback.

Any thoughts on my earlier post?

Hopefully not breaking the rules.

Sorry, not only did I bump it, I double posted.

Shame on me.

CTH - Proud of the way you handled yourself. It's always tough to hold your tongue especially when you have first hand evidence of a betrayl taking place. I know that I nearly bleed to death from trying to bite my tongue in the beginning. It does get easier. I think it's a good sign that she has told OP that he cannot be involved in the birth.
Also, don't buy into the I can't work at another gym story. Look into it yourself. Ring the association that she is afilliated with and find out if it is true. You don't need to divulge this information unless you feel you need to.
As the others have said, don't give her reasons to make the OP look better than you. If you can afford to, buy yourself some trendy new clothes, get a nice haircut, etc. You want to present yourself in the best possible light, and it helps your self esteem to boot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Keep organising outings, make her realise that you have a life as well, and that you are happy to get on with it, preferably with her, but on your own if you have to.
Funny movie along came polly, saw it on the weekend with WW. She didn't see ( or more likely didn't want to see) the similarities between the movie and us but I can assure I gladly LB'd her to point it out (Don't you do any LB'ing, I am choosing to live dangerously at my own peril;-) ).
As for asking her to leave, well you will get different opinions on this. IMHO, I think that it is important to let her know that you are not happy sharing her with another person and that there are ramifications to her actions.

So to summarize again.... you told her to sh*t or get off the pot.

ALLLLLL RIGHTO!!!!! That's what we like to see! Ladies and gentlemen, please note exhibit A, a MAN with A PLAN (A) and a BACKBONE!!!!

This is not a doormat Plan A, boys and girls. This is the tough love stuff that has to happen.

Goll dang I wish I'd done something like this when WP was pregnant. Life would be very different today, I'm guessing.

But that's my story. And canthishelp, YOUR story is headed in the right direction. Stay focused, stay strong, and KEEP YOUR KIDS IN YOUR HOUSE.

An interesting thing happened on the way home from Mulberry street.

Actually, it happened last night and is on-going this morning.

After I told my WW what I was thinking, and she agreed to stop the A, I only feel different, not better.

I am happy that the A has ended, but now that she is supposed to be telling the truth, I don't know if I believe her. I guess when the A was going on, all I had to worry about was the pain she was causing me that I knew about. Now, I have no knowledge if she is causing me pain or not. Hmmmmmm

I also herd that a few weeks before D-Day she told a mutual friend that she was considering being a surrogat (my sp is baaaaad, the word I am looking for means carry a baby for another person) mother for the OM. Now what do I think? I do not put alot of merit into the 'condom broke' story, and I may never know. I hope she is still being honest.

We have an MC today, I must be sure to bring up my feelings.

I am still so screwed up.

Well, at least I have work to do and two lovely kids, who BTW were up for 2 hours last night.

Me sleepy