You know, this is getting really hard and hurts more than anything. My wife doesnt know what we should do. She feels an emptiness in our relationship and doesnt feel close to me. She wonders how we r ever gonna work considering all that has happened. She doesnt feel like we were ever best friends and that there has been too much betrayal between us.

I dont know what to do. Should I just let it go and leave? Get on with my life and not worry about her? She is wondering why I am able to stay with her considering all that has happened. I am starting to wonder myself. Why do I want to be with her? It makes it hard cuz we have kids and I know that I will have to see her alot.

Anyone out there please give me some advice. I cant handle feeling like this anymore. Why am I able to push everything aside like she says and still love her so much? She doesnt love me as much as I do her. It hurts.

Fellow Dad checking in...

Ya man. It hurts. And it certainly can hurt more than anything. In fact, looking back at my exceedingly difficult life, this whole thing has been more difficult and painful than anything I've ever been through. You don't know me but take my word for it, that is saying alot.

The thing is, my kids are worth it. My WW may not be acting like she is worth it, but really she is. I've set my sights on the kind of marriage, family, relationship and life that will be so great that it will all be worth it. For me, there is no other option. To simply get back what I had would be insufficient.

What you've posted is very typical and normal, considering the circumstances. Please don't take that the wrong way. Just consider how much difficulty and unhappiness you have both suffered through... and then tell me how you should be feeling great and excited about all this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The point is that there is a goal to be worked towards. If you buy the Harley's books, read this site, you will see how LOVE can be built. It takes time, and effort from both people, but it is possible. And when those loving feelings begin to flourish, you will find yourselves getting closer and see that you are rebuilding your life together based on solid principles. And it will be a better life. And it will be worth it.

There have been many times for me over the past 10 months that I've felt I couldn't go on. I've completely given up at least three times, and even thought of taking my own life at least once.

But the thing is, I keep finding that I have more stregnth than I thought I did.

And despite the horror that I've been through, and the hopelessness that I'm still facing, findign that stregnth has been very good for me. I know that no matter what happens, I've become a better person through all this.

So dude... chill. You will be ok. In fact, if you choose, you can be better than ok. So can your life and your marriage. It just takes time, patience and faith and lots and lots of work. (but it's worth it!)

dewt

Is she open to coming to this site and joining these discussions?

dewt

Your wife obviously needs alot of help -from your other posts she has abandonment issues -by sleeping with these other men she is trying to fulfill something......or she is self destructing, is she willing to get counselling? I honestly don't think your M will work unless she gets IC and works through her problems,

Sandy

We r in counseling right now. We have gone twice and she is going to see him by herself before our next session. I dont know if she would be open to reading anything on this site...possibly. I know the situation is really uncomfortable and she and I dont know how to deal with it. She doesnt feel close to me and who knows if she will. I mean, she has cheated on me multiple times throughout the relationship. How will we ever be close?

Should I leave and let her be? Or should I just stay here and not be close with her. Just go about my own business. We dont own a house. Should I just pay half the bills and let her have her own life and me have my own? Or would it do more good to just go?

Only you can answer that question.

For me, I think my Wife, my Marriage, my Children are worth it. They are worth every effort. Every pain. Every trial.

I would lay down my very life for my kids or my wife if I had to. Having said that, how can I give up when all I'm facing at the moment is crippling pain? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

dewt

Its hard to know what is best. She says she doesnt want anything from me and that she has nothing to give right now. Thats why I feel I should go. But I dont want to and I will miss my kids. She is so back and forth with this, but she acts like she doesnt want it right now. She is really unhappy, and she knows that when Im gone she will still be unhappy. But if I am gone she says that she wont have to worry about my feelings and can work on her own. Kind of selfish if u ask me.

It is hard to know what is best. Yeah, that's for sure.

Try this: Make a list of the things that are most important to you. Look at the top 3. That should help guide you.

My kids were at the top of my list. Desptite the roller coaster ride of my feelings towards my WW, it boiled down to "what kind of life do I want for my sons?" And the answer to that was family. I want my youngest son to grow up with his parents intact and loving each other. I could never walk away from that as long as there was the slightest bit of hope. I want to set an example for them so that when they grow up and face difficult trials of their own, they have an example to refer back to. That's why I won't walk. That's why I can't walk.

Not only that, but keep in mind that feelings change over time. You and she feel one way now, but imagine a year down the road, two years... imagine that you didn't give up... imagine that you worked this through and managed to rebuild the loving feelings and the trust...

How would you feel then?

Also, if she is the one who had the affair, why is it that you would be the one to leave?

When my wife and I separated, since I was the one fighting for family, and she was the one not willing to work on family, it seemed right that she be the one to leave the family unit.

dewt

Another thing that makes it hard is that we r trying to get the closeness back and make it work but she feels conflicted cuz she feels like it has never really been there. Its true that we havent been best friends, so I do understand that is making it hard on her. She feels like there is no foundation and we dont know how to get there.

Also, excuse my rambling, I feel like talking about this with her nonstop and wanting her to be close with me is pushing it. She has told me that she wants it to work but doesnt know how to get the feelings there. Is it best to just leave it alone and try to just be there. Not worry about all the hurt feelings and just take it slow and the love will come back. Does it work like that?

Daddypop -

Have you read the MB concepts on the home page of this website? If not why don't you do that this morning. I think you will find many answers to the questions you have regarding getting the closeness back & building a strong foundation for your marriage. If your wife is not willing to read them with you, then you can still make a world of difference by reading and putting them into practice on your own.

Weaver

Ditto what Weaver said.

You certainly have work to do. Give her some space- do not talk R(elationship) ALL the time. Try to find some things to do together that are just simply fun.

dewt

I read thru it and printed it out so she could read it. It just seems like we keep getting back to the point that our relationship is hopeless cuz of all that has happened and she is trying to figure out if she even wants to try. This is too frustrating. I think she feels like she was never really in love with me, that is why she has cheated so many times. Maybe she wasnt.

<small>[ August 01, 2004, 08:02 AM: Message edited by: daddypop ]</small>

By the way, thanks alot for helping me with this. Most of my friends and family dont understand and are not too happy with her. Not many people that I can talk to without them telling me to get rid of her. Its not that easy to just end it. Sometimes I wish I could. I feel that my love is gonna fade is she doesnt try to work this out with me now.

I can't help but feel that cheating on someone and loving someone are two seperate issues. If she is a serial cheater than she has internal issues that need to be dealt with before she will ever be able to love someone in the sense that love is an action. To love someone is to care for them, protect them, nourish them ...

She may very well love you as much as she is capable. But in my opinion she will not be able to love you as a wife would love a husband until she deals with her internal problems.

I have to agree with what Sandy has said in this area.

As far as if you should stay or if you should go listen to Dewt. I'ld also like to add that do you really have a choice? You can't force yourself to not have feelings of love for someone. You can't "go around it", you have no choice but to go through it. So do it in the best way that you can, you will also have huge personal growth during this time regardless of how it all turns out in the end.

It seems hopeless right now.

Holy mackeral do I ever know what you mean. Like, really.

However... what you and I both need to focus on is hanging tough until it is no longer hopeless.

It's frustrating, and depressing as heck. My view is that ultimately it will be worth it.

So until hope rears it's head, I'm relying on stubbornness and perseverance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

dewt

Well she actually read thru the basic concepts. She said afterwards that it was stuff that she already knew and it was common sense. HA! Easy for her to say. She has been ok to me today, Im just sick of the back and forth. She says she wants to work but she is so unhappy with herself and always stressed out. How can she work on us if she isnt happy with herself. Regardless she says she wants to try. Probably will be different tommorrow. Im getting the same crap as Family Matters, pretty much no affection, no nothing.. She acts like Im the one that screwed her over. Stressed and depressed. Im hoping her seeing the counselor by herself will help. Hopefully they give her antidepressants or something. She has had a horrible life, but u cant use that as an excuse forever. Maybe I need some AD's as well. Clear my head. I have never had them. Is there certain pills that work better?

Well I'm on Lexapro, which I am really happy with.

My X is about to get on Wellbutrin XL, I think because there is less sexual dysfunction with it.

But you really need to discuss this with doctor, he will know what is best for you.

I am a huge believer in AD's since I've been on them. They have helped me tremendously. I wasn't depressed but I had terrible panic attacks which were really starting to impact my life as well as my career.

Take care guy,

Weave