I just did some snooping. Found an e-mail to W from OM. Proof an affair is still going on. Not even the same OM as last year. I think this has been going on for a few months.
What do I do now?

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: dreid ]</small>

Go have a chat with the W. Is this a way of life with her?

Ok, here's the whole story. If you have read any of my other posts you may know some of this already.

W and I were married in 1986. Whirlwind romance. She was and still is the love of my life. We had a son the following year. Moved to her hometown when S was about 3 years old.
What neither one of us knew at the time was that I am alcoholic. W grew up with alcoholic father.
My drinking got gradually worse. The only job I kept during most of our marriage was as a property manager. A job which I still have today, but no longer my only job. As my drinking got gradually worse W became more unhappy. I didn't see it.
In late August of 2002 W came to me. Finally told me how unhappy she was and she was fighting to save our marriage. W asked me to go to nearby Recovery Home. I fought it for a while but eventually went and got sober. I have been sober now for over 22 months.
Let me say here that even at my worst I was NEVER physically abusive nor was I EVER unfaithful to her.
I was in rehab for 12 weeks. Came home right after Christmas, 2002. I wanted to repair the damage I could now see I had caused to our marriage and for a while it seemed to be helping. Then a "friend" of mine introduced W to online chat rooms and Internet dating.On July 14 she bought herself a full membership at Udate.com. She quickly met a man there and spent many long hours chatting with him. On July 21 I found out they were having cyber-sex. I confronted her with it and the next day told me she wanted a separation. She said we needed to be apart so we could grow back together. The following weekend (July 27, 2003) she moved out. S was 16 at the time so we let him decide who to live with. He chose to stay here with me.
I know she spent the following weekend with OM. She denies having sex with him.
Since then she has told me about other men she has met online. Talked to me about them because she said they were "just friends".
Fast forward to the present.
It's been just over a year now since W moved out. We started seeing a MC a couple of months ago. I am still deeply in love with W and want to put our marriage back together. This past Saturday she and our S left together on a vacation. A girlfriend was supposedly picking them up to take them to her place about 7 hours away from here. I just found out that it was in fact OM who picked them up and took them. They are together now. W doesn't know I know this. This OM is not the one she was involved with when we separated. This one she met on a different dating site. I think she he met him sometime around the beginning of the year. I know she knew him by the end of February.
Time has passed and with going to counselling I thought maybe I was getting past her EA's and possible PA's. She wasn't talking about other men anymore. I thought that was behind us. Then this trip came up and I find she is still seeing OM.

When I found out I wasn't angry. I think I got all my anger out about this a while back. I am very hurt. Part of the hurt comes from W bringing our son into this. Makes me wonder if plans are being made behind my back.

I am not expecting them back before Wednesday at the earliest. Maybe not till Friday. So I sit and wait.

Any thoughts any one has will be appreciated.

Thanks.

<small>[ August 02, 2004, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: dreid ]</small>

I have reread some of my own posts and I realize something may not be clear about my story. W knows I know about first EA a year ago. I confronted her about it as soon as I discovered the cyber-sex. She knows I know she met him F2F later. She knows because I told her and we talked about it. She denied having sex with him.

She DOESN'T know what I know about her "friendships" with other men in the last year. She DOESN't know I know about current OM. She DOESN'T know about all my suspicions either.
I know I need to talk to her about it.
Would someone PLEASE tell me how?

Its just me again.
Feeling very alone today. Is there anybody out there who will talk to me?
Please?

Hi dreid,

I'm sorry you are feeling down.I think that you should be upfront with your W and call her on her bad behavior.It's not helping anyone by keeping all this info bottled up inside you.She needs to know that she isn't fooling anyone and that it is a serious issue in your marriage.

Online dating sites and chat rooms are an ever growing addiction in this country and it's a poor substitute for real,honest to goodness relationships IMO.There is so much risk involved with meeting people this way who are often liars and scammers not to mention predators.Not all sites mind you but many.Your WW is channeling all her emotions in the wrong direction.Imagine what could happen for both of you if you both put forth all the time,energy and thought into repairing your marriage instead of plotting and scheming with other's like your WW is doing.

It's time to sit down with your WW and talk calmly about what you know.

What do you think?

O

<small>[ August 03, 2004, 11:09 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thanks O
I don't know if you read my other posts or not.
I feel like I'm riding 2 rollercoasters at the same time.
Recovery from alcoholism and marriage falling apart.
I'm not worried about drinking. I'm doing the right things for that and one day at a time staying sober.
My marriage is another matter. I don't know what the right thing is. I'm afraid ANYTHING I do will push her away for good. We've been separated for just over a year now and sometimes I'm afraid its just too late.
I love her more than ever.
Being sober has helped me find the feelings I have buried for so long.
I just want another chance to be her husband the way I always should have been.
Thanks again

D

Hi again.

Sorry if I don't know your whole story.That's why it's good to have a sig line.

Anyway,great job on being sober for all these months.If there ever was a reason to fall of the wagon it would be this mess we're all in but you stay strong.

As for the marriage,it is true that many of us feel like if we say the wrong things or do the wrong things,we just push our WS's away into the arms of the other's waiting for them.But that's why if you don't have a plan of action,you just fumble around and hope for the best in fear.Dr.Harley has the best approach I have read about and learned about in the past 10 months of my ordeal for improving a marriage after Infidelity.

But,I do not agree with separations at all.All they do is separate you from your spouse with whom you should be dealing with the problems not running away.I was separated twice and each time it only soldified my WH's direction into the homewreckers cheating arms.Separation makes you separate not together.How can you solve anything apart? I don't understand counselors who suggest this.

Well,I don't know if your WW will come back after being away but all you can do is change yourself for the better,take care of yourself and live your life as best you can.It is out of our control what the WS will do or choose to do.It's a hard pill to swallow for sure.There's some relief though,at least for me,knowing that I have done all I can to try and save my marriage and not taking responsibility for what my WH is doing now.If we never reconcile,it is his choice and I have to live with that.Same for us all here.It stinks but we do have to let them go at some point.To make their mistakes and live with their choices.

Well,not too much words of wisdom.We are all just learning and growing as we deal with this terrible trauma.One word of caution though.Your son does not have to be exposed to any other men right now.He is probably confused and rightly so should be spending all his adult time with responsible,loving men who have his best interest at heart(not another man's wife,HIS mother) which is primarily you.Your WW isn't even with the same OM and it sends a very bad message about relationships,how to treat other's and especially women.You are both STILL married even though separated but that does not mean a spouse goes out and dates.I feel VERY strongly about that.People can date when they are DIVORCED.It sends a bad message about marriage and what vows should mean.But you probably already know this.

It's something I will not compromise with my WH about regarding our girls.Hang in there.

O

Changed sig line. Hope it helps.

That does help,thanks.

So,how is your son taking the situation? Are you feeling a bit better now than before? Hope so.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I haven't had a chance to talk to my son since Sunday night. He and W are still away on vacation. I tried calling his cell phone today. Left him a voice mail.
Hope he gets the chance to call me back when he can speak privately.