I have shared this letter with a few of my closest friends and they have given me their opinion. They believe that he thinks that he has done so much damage their is no fixing it or going back. That I would never take him back. I did tell him in my email that I could never forgive him and that he has caused me a great deal of pain.
A part of me wants to still have that little hope that we could try and work things out and I want him to know I would be willing. Another part of me thinks he doesn't deserve me and why would I want him to think I am still waiting for him after what he has done.
What should I do???
I love pregnancy emotions! Two weeks and I will be a mom for sure!

Dear Durham,

He is babbling because he knows no other way to talk. Right now your best bet w/b to take care of you and the baby. Keep him as far away as possible.

Why? Because you and the baby are very delicate right now. His babbling may trigger bad conditions in both you and the baby. Don't give him that opportunity.

As for his working it out, right now he can't so don't force him to. If the baby comes and he doesn't get to participate, that w/b on his conscience.

If he really wants to reconcile, nothing will stop him from being with his family. Nothing. So don't fret.

As for his incessant babbling about your guilt or apology, whatever other nonsense, just...... arrrgh.... look past those words. Give him the stupid look he deserves.

Otherwise, surround yourself by friends and family who want to share your precious day.

take care,
L.

Hi Durham,

I dont know... I'd have a hard time signing up for that ride, again. To voluntarily go back into a relationship with someone THAT messed up... I just dont think so. But, that's me with no children. I'm sure you've given this lots of thought.

Maybe after he's been through a couple of years of therapy... maybe not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What should I do??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But there's no need to worry about this now. He's not asking to come back and you've got other things to deal with. There is nothing for you to do. That's why I asked if these letters can go through someone else. He's got you all worked up for no good reason. Dragged you back into the drama because he was feeling bad. That's a shame. Please protect yourself from this drama. Please take care - Dru

The fact that he says "I" so much is, in my view, encouraging. He is speaking about himself, his feelings, his situation. That's transparent honesty at its best.

Here's how I would respond to this note, through your intermediary.

H,

I'm ... surprised. I didn't realize the depths of your pain in our marriage, nor did I know that you understand how much I've been hurt. Thank you for telling me these things.

You said at the end -- yes, I read the whole thing -- "Nothing I say or do will ever restore the love, trust, and friendship that we had in this life."

I say -- I still love you. And trust and friendship ... well, I think they can be rebuilt. And I want to comfort someone I love -- you.

So... what do we do about it?

[Wife]

Very short, very loving -- and the ball is totally in his court. Let him figure out what he's going to do. Don't do the work for him. You get to lounge around and feel fat and entirely TOO pregnant. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Have some chocolate for me, eh? Stuff goes right to my thighs.

Durham -

You already know my stand as far as being friends and loving co-parents to your son so I won't go into that but -

What you need to do is decide if this is the man you want to spend your life with, or if your anger is too great to let him back in.

If you decide that you want him for life, then you already know what to do - follow your heart and the MB principles. You will have the power in your hands once this baby is born, and I think you know this, but you can't figure out if you want him back because of what he has done.

Do you think that his affair was a one time thing caused by problems in your marriage? Or do you think he is seriously flawed, and is just not trustworthy.

And if he is flawed but only slightly and temporarily can you forgive, accept and love him?

Right now you can't decide and that is understandable, given your pregnancy and his betrayal at this time. So why don't you try to become friends with him after the baby comes. Don't punish him, just let him be a dad and a friend. If you can do that, than after a short while you will have your answer...you will know what kind of a man he really is, and if you can love him again. Just give it a try for awhile and see where it leads you both.

Weaver

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

I'd like to kick this guys #$@#@ for you, but I'm sure in time he will hurt himself far more emotionally than I ever could physically. Hold on, let me think...If I punched him in the solar plexus that would hurt like heck!..Hmmm it's a close call. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He's an embarrassment to all the loving, caring and responsible H's out here! The thing that kills me, he doesn't even see what he's really doing to you. 95% of that letter had to do with how bad he feels. He's not even really apologizing just shifting blame and given you lame excuses for the damage HE'S CAUSED!

His life is turning into a "Cautionary Tale". Look up your H's picture in the dictionary and there would be a caption; "Don't Do This" above it.

I apologize for being so critical, but this guy really has me steamed! Does he have any true friends that could knock some sense into him? If I was his friend I'd bug him everyday until he did the right thing. Sometimes parents don't have the same effect as your peers.

Sorry you're going thru this. Please save this email and print it out. When you and your H recover you can show him a copy and watch him try to make it up to you. I hope you like jewelry cuz his foul up is a football field away from flowers and candy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Stay Strong, Let em squirm!

It doesn't really matter what all of our opinions of Durham's husband are, it only matters what Durham believes about him.

She has all the answers right there in her heart but she doesn't know it because she can't trust her own perception is anymore. She doesn't trust herself to be able to tell if someone is sincere, or lying, or selfish or addicted. Herein lies the real destruction done by an affair...not the fear of being alone, not the overwhelming ache for them and the hate for them at the same time, but in the destruction of knowing what the truth is. This is what makes me the most furious about affairs... and Durham, I think I know exactly what you are feeling. I felt the same about my daughters dad, it was a horribly confusing and lonely time. I'm so sorry for you. But you are going to be so unbelievably happy in two weeks!

Weaver