Just reading the posts. I am a BW but it is nice to know that there are good men out there. I wish my H was on here trying to get help.
I am desperatley hoping to save my M. Good luck to all of you!!!

FM, you seem like a similar man to me. Guilty also.

NCwalker, you always have thought provoking posts that cut to the core of some very muddy issues.

<small>[ August 06, 2004, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>

So all the BH/LH/SEs out there, here's a question...

Those of you who are separated and a little short on cash will understand this situation.

I'm a very good cook, but I have not been motivated to do much cooking since my current "opportunity for growth" arose.

Today I'm making a giant mess of rice and beans to live off for a while. $4.95 worth of food and it will feed me for days.

What do y'all do for food? Lettuce over the kitchen sink followed by a burrito, what? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

GC

Not at that point yet GC, but expect to be there sooner rather than later.

Cooked dinner tonight for the DS and myself. Grilled Chicken and pasta. WW is out again. DD is with friends at amusement park.

Lucky for me I that I absolutely love pasta and rice. Can cook it and eat it all kinds of ways. Just wish it would stick to my ribs like it used to in the "old" days.

Just found this post and checking in from southern California. Beautiful summer day on Mission Bay.

believer,

I want to applaud you for doing what you have for these Men. (Yes, MEN!)

It is very doubtful that they ever would have come together, in this way ... without someone acting as the catalyst. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
So for that, I say Thanks .

IT says something about you (something "special") that even during your own situation you'd take the time to not only get this thread started, but then take the time to keep it rolling with additional questions and maintenance.

It seems easier to get the women folk to come together. (Just a fact).
And as a BW yourself, It would be natural for your focus and energy to go there.
Nice move in branching out into a totally "neglected" marketplace.

How did you come up with this anyway?
What gave you the idea?
How long have you been planning or considering something like this?
(For a while OR more a spur of the moment idea)?

In any case, thanks once again for "greasing" the wheels to a men's discussion & help. (of course with female participation welcome)

Its time was probably long overdue.[or at least overdue for this current group]

This has the potential to be a truly positive vehicle. Sure hope it works as planned.

Excellent work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

****************
Fortunately, She got the ball rolling... now its up to the men to keep it going. (so far so good) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Top rope -

I just got worn out posting to you guys individually. It seems like there are so many men here right now, and the board is so busy. I was hoping you could all get together, and that also some of the experts would step in and post their great advise where you all could read it.

Plus men do well in groups - football teams, platoons. Now if we can just get some game/battle plans.

Graycloud - I am amazed at how well some of these men can do the cooking, household type things. My WH would have just opened a can of something, and ate it cold out of the can. His OW's BH is taking on all of the household chores, working two jobs, taking care of their daughter, and cooks great meals.

Hi all,
Someone a few pages ago brought up the issue of "men wanting to solve their wives problems" I used to be very guilty of this.

After the affair I became the local infidelity /relationship library branch.

When I mention this book everyone of you are going to roll your eyes. Here I'll do it for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Anyway this book was so huge in the late 80's that i think it's gotten a bit of a bad wrap.

"Men are from Mars; Women from Venus" deals with all of these types of interpersonal issues between wives and husbands.

Women & Men deal problems differently. Men want to go to their "caves" to study the question, to ruminate on it and come up with an action plan.

Women solve problems by talking them out. They want to talk about all of the issues, angles, possible results etc. They need this talking as a "therapy" They don't even necessarily need to find an answer. Talking about it solves the problem in their mind. They want to talk about point A, point B, and all spots in between,around and near.

If they come to us with the problem we improperly assume that they want us to "fix it" WRONG! We hear the issue and then tell them to go frm point A to B. We expect praise bc we solved the problem. They feel as though we are being condescending and are upset.

If the problem is anything about us, or anything that we have direct control over look out. We see the discussion as criticsm. We get defensive. We get defensive and serly. (the passive-aggressives slump off) They see at as discussing the problem.

BTW this author has a similar communication book called "Men and Venus in the Bedroom." For all of you complaining about SF you need to go to the bookstore this weekend and but both books.

You'd think I had stock in Barnes & Noble. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JL,
I'm glad you're holding down the north end of the state. I've got the southern portion taken care of. BTW I don't see any califlower fields down here just the fornication.lol

Mac

I have a question. It’s related to the serial cheater one asked here.

How many LH’s here are dealing with a really long entangled affair? My W’s A lasted 10 years with OMM. It went on so long they became like an old married couple themselves. There was little passion left, no real sharing of anything deep any more, if there ever was. W says she was thinking of getting out of it anyway when I found out. She felt she was not a priority to him any more. (That she always was and is the single highest priority to me seems to have been lost on her). It doesn’t look to me like she was trying too hard to end it, but it’s what she says so I’ll believe her.

I also took over the majority of the housework and domestic support in general. Steady Eddy, that’s me. I now know it was primarily taking up the slack during the past ten years while she was emotionally elsewhere. I feel thoroughly taken advantage of, I must say.

All that being said, I consider us to be in recovery. Quite a ways along, actually. W says she does not love him any more. Says she loves me quite often now. We are practicing MB concepts for the most part. Communicating well. Wife is in IC and we are in MC together. She met all my initial requirements for getting back together. I am changing my bad behaviors, such as they were. (Most were ignorance, speaking the wrong love language, on my part.) You name it we are doing it right, now. I still love her and want this M to work.

Yet, the sheer magnitude of her A is mind-boggling. It’s as if she's had two husbands for half our M! I can’t help but wonder if I can ever trust her again.

So, what does that mean for our recovery? Anyone else dealing with this type of A?

I read in Private Lies that the major hurts from an A are rank ordered by most BS’s as:

1. The love for OP.
2. The lies
3. The sex.

I add item 0: The length of the A.This is really eating at me.

Oh, and SF is not a problem at the moment. Paxil and unrelenting visions of her and OMM have taken care of that.

T

PS: Thanx, Believer, for this thread. Good idea.

I'm here too.
Southern Ontario, Canada.

cymanca - Welcome - I live in Oceanside, just up the coast from you. And yes, it is a lovely day.

cwmac - I have not read the book, but I think that is true for many women. When I have a problem, I work it out by talking about it, on and on and on. The talking helps me figure it out. On the other hand, my WH would tell me "why don't you just................?" That would make me feel like he was not interested.

Thos - Is your wife stepping up and helping more now? It does sound like she wants to make it work. As far as the tapes running through your head, you can choose to turn them off, and run a new movie.

Welcome dreid. Hope you will find lots of support here. We have several Canadians.

People got me located wrong.

I've BEEN 2 SF, but I don't live there. JL, Orchid, Redhat, and J.R. all live up that way, though.

I'm in NE Los Angeles.

-ol' 2long

Hi believer,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Since most WW's do come back to the marriage, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can I ask why you say this? Is there some study or survey or something to back this up?
Just me, grasping at straws.

Well I have to get my foot in here too - don't have anything to say, except I am overwhelmed and speechless, at the honour in this room!


Believer- you are truely an angel!

2long - I thought you lived in the Bay Area, don't know why.

dreid - Most spouses do come back to the marriage. Shirley Glass studied this subject, and has lots of statistics in her books. Also the chances are greater that your wife will be with you rather than the OM in five years. But you're right, who wants to wait 5 years?

I have been going through this for 18 months, and I am about done. Unfortunately I have lost any feelings for WH. But my life is good again. You will get there too.

weaver - These men are real men. They are in terrible pain, but standing for their marriages. I know you always give great support and advice, so welcome.

(((((((believer))))))

(((((((the boys))))))

Luv ya! Great thread, as usual...

I hope there are more of these fine gents out there in the world when I drop off my Fogman at the dump!

Sounds like we have a string of MBers right up the Ca coast.

Cymanca in SD.....Believer in Oceanside.....cwmac in OC.......

Mac

WAID - Well I hope that you don't dump your WH off at the dump, but these are some great guys. This thread is supposed to help them, not make the rest of us throw rocks at our WH.