I posted a topic requesting helpful advice from others who have walked in similar shoes hoping for some insight and direction on how to deal with some trust issues within my marriage. But all this site came up with was a moronic stream of put downs ****EDIT***. When I responded ******EDIT****my post was edited - not for vulgarity mind you but for content!!

I truly hope that others who come here looking for help read this post and choose another route to help solve their problems. You will only waste your time typing here! Although that can be a great catharsis for those who keep things bottled up inside.

I will never return to this site since its users and moderators do nothing but degrade and censor honest requests for help. RUN AWAY FROM HERE FAST!!!!!!!!!!


***EDITED by JustUss*****again!!**** You are free to criticize but there will be NO attacks on other members******

<small>[ August 07, 2004, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

I'm really sorry you feel that way. I have had lots of help and support here and have been given great advice! MelodyLane has given me good advice. Maybe when you are ready to "hear" you will return!
Good luck to you!

Well, you're getting your money's worth on the site...

It's kind of strange to see a third post that indicates everything is "a complete waste of time and effort"---if you have that type of response to your wife, you're doing serious damage in your marriage.

If you've read the concepts here and like the plan (and it seems as both your wife and you could use a plan to recover your marriage), I'd stop playing games with amatuer internet therapy and either try counseling with the Harleys (888-639-1639) or with Penny at SYMC. You'll get a higher level of advice from them than you will here.

Adrift - Sorry you feel this place is a waste of time. There is really some good advice here.

But to get back to your original question, you are right, both people in the marriage need to move forward with the relationship. After 2 years, it sounds like your wife still has lots of healing to do.

You might ask your wife to do the emotional needs questionnaire with you. Then see if she will agree to make an effort (and you make an effort too) to meet them.

Also there are good articles on the home page about restoring the marriage, overcoming resentment, and reconciliation.

Usually one person has to take the lead, and that may have to be you.

Nape: Did you even read your response from Octobergirl????

I don't know if this post even warrants a resposne. (And coming from *ME* that's a huge statement, knowing how far I've come in the past month and knowing that, I too, am "insulted" by the lack of responses at times.)

Nape, your marriage is what you make it. This board is what you make it. No, maybe all of the advice or situations or techniques won't work for you, but judgung by your posts (all 3) that I've read, *YOU* need to keep an open mind. I don't know how many threads you have read before jumoing in right away, but maybe that would be *extremely* helpful for you to "lurk" first.

OK, 2X4 coming out...

*YOU* made the choice--*YOUR* free will to have an affair--regardless of what factors were involved--*YOU* did this. What steps have you taken to reconcile? Or more appropriately as stated previously, what steps have you down to *EARN* her respect back?
(ark, how'd I do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

<small>[ August 07, 2004, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

Adrift, I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. Three posts is not many.

MelodyLane and Octobergirl both responded in a constructive way to your first post.

What you perceived as moronic put-downs were comments intended to make you understand that coming back after an A doesn't make you the good guy. That affection and trust from your W is something you are going to have to earn back. I think you are not as contrite as you might be.

GC

PS--one of my problems in my life, including confrontation in my marriage, is running away from conflict--it's the easy way out. I, too, want to welcome you to MB--believer et al are the "welcoming committee" and do a fine job! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Listen to what these people have to say--they know and feel just like you at one time (and some still are.) This is a great support system. What do you want to get out of it? Sometimes, you won't be getting the answers you want, but you will get an answer.

Well AIN, I went back and read your other thread. Is there more?

If you can stand another MBers 2 cents, please read on....

ADIN: I posted a topic requesting helpful advice from others who have walked in similar shoes hoping for some insight and direction on how to deal with some trust issues within my marriage. But all this site came up with was a moronic stream of put downs ****EDIT***. When I responded ******EDIT****my post was edited - not for vulgarity mind you but for content!!

Orchid: You have identified the reason you came here was to deal with trust issues in your M. Then you were edited for content???

So right now at least 2 people (your W and the mod who edited you) have shown that they are at least not comfortable with how you communicate.

ADIN: I truly hope that others who come here looking for help read this post and choose another route to help solve their problems. You will only waste your time typing here! Although that can be a great catharsis for those who keep things bottled up inside.

Orchid: Do you have a link or direction to 'other route' you have described? Please clarify how to find another alternative to helping us and others deal with these types of issues.

Just to let you know, let me share with you how I have personally seen this site help myself and others:

For me: Served as an support as much as I needed when I could not get 24/7 support from my MC, family and friends. Gave me back my sense of values and dignity, helped me restore my trust back in my H, kept me sane, taught me to work on my self and issues within my control, helped me learn that I could not teach my WS much as long as he was a WS, gave me the strength to implement plans A & B, envigorated me to help others, brought me back from the brink of suicide on several occasions, helped me through my miscarriage crisis, threats to my job, home, family and health by Ws and OW, RO hearing, etc.

In addition to the above, this site along with the books and phone counseling has provided others with the endurance to surive being kicked out of their homes with their small children (babies), loss of income, loss of job, loss of relatives (parents, children, etc.), dealing with OC issues or threats (Oh, I had to deal with some of this also), attempted suicide, lack of medical care, homeless, abandoned, accidents, broken bones, death, jury trial, domestic violence, divorce, major health issues (cancer, heart attack, stroke, etc.), drugs, incarceration, etc.

This is in addition to the emotional toll that the BS and family have to deal with. This does include issues dealing with trust, grieving over the loss of the spouse, loss of fidelity, corrupted history, abused mates/children, loss of a child, damage to one's reputation, etc. Oh yea, there are some WS who come here also, for help and get it. Others troll over here just to make trouble and they eventually leave because no one will fill their need for attention.

Then theres recovery....... that takes on a life of it's own. Recovery has it's own set of issues and yes, restoring the trust is right near the top. For this MB is quite good. They have plans and support. You have to be willing to really see yourself as others view you and be willing to make the needed changes. Not all can recover and each does so in their own way but all could if they try.

Now I ask again, what other place do you know that can help the issues outlined above and then some?

L.

<small>[ August 07, 2004, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Adrift,
I am terribly sorry that you were not able to take the advice here to try to work on improving your marriage. I read your threads, you received honest responses from MB'ers who have lived through infidelity and been willing to work through the hard times to save their marriages.

This site has saved many marriages. Posters often get advice that is hard to hear, no one is helped whan honest opinions are met with anger and ranting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (hence the editing) We are a caring group that is willing to help even if it is not easy to say or to hear. The success of this site can be measured by the stories of saved marriages and families.

I hope that when you are ready to listen and learn, you will come back with an open heart and give your W and your marriage a better chance.

Until then, we will go back to reading, listening and helping. I think we're darn good at it even if you don't! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ August 07, 2004, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

Whew! It's obvious why their recovery is at a stand still. Bless her heart!

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Your waffling between denial of the severe damage you've caused your marriage and clearly demonstrating anger. Once you get to bargaining, you'll be singing a different tune. We'll be here when you get there. In the mean time, DO NOT behave this way toward your wife, unless you want to be a divorced man. Complain here all you wish. Work on yourself. Avoid further damage to your marriage. Only by improving yourself can you possibly save your marriage. It will take a ton of work to repair the extremely deep wound you've caused. As I am a BS, you simply do not understand the amount of devastation you've caused.

Control your anger now or you're going to be kicked to the curb. You're wife WILL eventually give up IF you keep it up.

Hello,

You didn't honestly think that by posting a message or two on a bulletin board that you marriage would be miraculously fixed did you?

I take it you were the one that had an affair. So was I. Don’t you think that your wife may need a bit of convincing why she should bother to try to fix the marriage.

The people here do the best they can. We are not professional counselors. Were people that have problems in our marriages . . . and most of us muddle through the best we can.

Give this place a chance. Sometimes I think that I waste a lot of time here too. Occasionally I do find a gem that keeps me coming back. I think that engaging in an activity where you are actively seeking advice on ways to repair your marriage has worth in and of itself.