anyone here?

I am.

I read your BIO and I thought my W was posting here.. only the dates were wrong.

May I ask why you confessed?

I discovered emails and confronted. I know if I had not, it would still be going on.
k

Hey FL! Me too. (But again, just like last night, I was planning to go to bed early tonight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

I am.

I can talk about happy things too!

It's only 9:34 here on the west coast.

k

<small>[ August 10, 2004, 11:36 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

long version may take a while so i will go for the short version.... or at least try.

Why did i confess??

i was a mess when i found this site. i desperately wanted to end the turmoil the marriage was in. i started posting in dec 2003, my first post was a request for a prayer to help me find my way back into the marriage. as i started to tell my story, lots of people posted to me about how my marriage would never be truely successful unless i confessed. as days went on, i found myself more and more realizing the truth to that stmt. i was extremely conflicted and at the same time i was still having a hard time breaking away from the OM 100%. he was a very strong crutch for me.

i don't think i am giving you a short answer here. i really wanted to be authentic again. i wanted to give us a chance to be a real couple.

don't know if i am making any sense.

i am still glad i confessed, it was the right thing to do. but i no longer think it will help the marriage in the long run.

how do you feel about your W now?? i would have to think it would be so much harder having discovered it on your own (i guess that was another reason i confessed, to spare him that pain although i highly doubt he would have ever discovered the truth, well maybe he would of because i'm not sure i would of managed to 100% stop if i had not confessed)

is your W wanting to re-build your marriage now? are you?

hi LINY, sorry you cannot sleep either.

me getting out of bed is really not a good thing. it's what i used to do when i was caught up in the net.... i posted here in order to stop myself from creating a yahoo id to play backgammon in. i don't think playing backgammon online is terrible, as long as it did not progress into chatting. but my past has shown i can go from innocent playing to inappropriate chatting too quickly. which could easily lead me to either contacting the OM or start something new with a new person.

i will never be able to trust myself to just innocently play a simple game of backgammon.

but i really miss the days when i would do that.

i have a book right here next to me, Breaking Free, recommended by roman. i have read some of it but i just can't seem to get into it tonight.

so i am here instead.

Never understood backgammon anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I'm sorry...I don't know your history besides this thread...Are you in counseling now? It seems you may be a bit obsessive compulsive--I'm the same way. (Former EA, also GA, and who knows what else! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
i am still glad i confessed, it was the right thing to do. but i no longer think it will help the marriage in the long run.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's sad to think that way...why *do* you say that?

FL, (may I call you FL?)

My W called OM Dday (5/31/04)and told him NO MAS. He called a couple weeks later and she told me right when I came home. I called him and told him to F off. NC since. 99.99% sure.

She totally wants to move on. I have a post I just started about "If you want anymore answers call the OM" (what a roller coaster!) which kind of explains some of what is going on.

What do I think of W? I love her. Do not tear up anymore (well, the last couple days, anyway) I know it will not be like it was. Some say it will be better! That would be good. Its only been 2 1/2 months, but I feel positive. She seems very committed to me. (or our life style, friends, house, family, etc.)

I am waiting for the 6 month anger explosion that people post about. Haven't felt too much anger.

Discovering it on my own? The books say it is better if there is confession. She would have NEVER confessed. She compartmentalized so completely that, even though she loved this guy and told me so, and said it in her emails, she cut it off completely on Dday. She said she was always trying to leave but it was like an addiction and blah, blah, etc.

Sorry to ramble. That ought to put you to sleep!
k

i am in IC. in fact i have a appt tommorow at lunch. i think this is partly why i cannot sleep. don't know if i am obsessive compulsive, not sure exactly what you mean by that. i am definitely an impulsive person. and i guess i do obsesses about things. so i guess that means yes.

having the A was my way of acting out, according to IC. i am finding it hard to cope when i feel the need to act out. i have to learn to not need to act out. but in the mean time, it's getting harder and harder. i just don't want to have to deal with my personality defeats anymore!!! i think i am just feeling worse and worse.

ok, so here is what i really don't want to tell IC.... last sat, i did something i used to do when i was a teenager. i scratched at the skin on my arm until it bleed. i now have a really nasty looking arm. yesterday, i managed to stay isolated enough at work so that no one noticed it. today someone did and asked me if i was in an accident or something. i explained it away by saying i got my arm stuck in a tight spot in my basement while cleaning. this was asked in front of another co-worker so they both were there listening. my 10yr old son noticed on sunday and asked me what happened. i brushed his question away as quickly as possible. just said i scrapped it on something. he had a friend over at the time so he was satisfied quickly. H has not seen it but i did tell him about it later, he hasn't actually looked at it, he wants me to talk to IC about it. at the time i did it, i also hit my hand on something rather hard, which bruised my pinky and then i starting thinking about getting a hammer and smashing my pinky even worse. but i didn't do it. all the emotional distress of the state i was in finally got to me and i became too tired to do any more damage.

i'm sorry if this post got too depressing. i'm so tired of being so unhealthy.

<small>[ August 11, 2004, 12:37 AM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

Sorry FL & k...can't hang any longer...last glass of wine did me in!

FL--I just realized what I wrote--I didn't mean to offend you about the OC comment. I'm just finding more and more about myself and that I probably am OC. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Please, both of you, keep your heads up. We're all on the right path, right? So keep those heads up! It'll work out--it *will*!

Have a good night! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

nite LIYN!!

K, that was not too bad of a ramble. i have been reading your posts. i have not yet gotten to the one you mentioned... if you want answers, ask the OM. i can relate to the addiction feeling. it really was a huge addiction for me. you mentioned somewhere about how you question your wife's ability to walk away so easily after such a long time, what does that say about her... for me, i knew it was 95% strictly a physical thing. yes i liked the person but i never thought about a real relationship with him. i was so hurt because of the state of our marriage and because of the death of my dad, i didn't want to love ANYONE. but the fantasy relationship was so nice to have. sounds very pathetic when i look back on it.

FL: you *need* to tell your C about that--your H is right. There's something more--like even you said--that you feel the need to escape and hurt yourself. I know--firsthand--it's easier said than done--but you are a good person, just made mistakes--and you're correcting them now, right? You're doing everything you can to become a better person and have a better M! Be honest with yourself--the only way you can get completely better is if you open up to your H & C.

Anyhoo, I am resting my head now. You have a good night, K?

There's alot of good people on MB that, believe it or not, have gone through and are still going through what you are. So keep your head up!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

to answer why don't i think my marriage will survive. neither one of us is really do what it takes to become closer to each other. i just don't have it in me to put myself at risk of being hurt anymore. and i seem to get hurt so easily and i am having a really hard time changing that life pattern.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
neither one of us is really do what it takes to become closer to each other.
LINY: that's something you and your H have to discuss--honestly and openly. What *do* you expect from a M with him?
i just don't have it in me to put myself at risk of being hurt anymore. and i seem to get hurt so easily and i am having a really hard time changing that life pattern. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LINY: thta's where your C comes in. Your C will show you direction and give you instruction booklets on the tools that *you already have*. You need to find them though--for yourself. *any* relationship is putting yourself at risk. Even the relationship that you have with yourself.

I know it's hard--nobody likes hurt. "Pain is pain" is what one MB'er says. Wheteher it's the realization you f***** up (been there, done that!) or the loss of your Dad (unfortunately, know that one too) it still is all in part of our own growth.

Use your tools, FL! You'll even amaze yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

FL,

IC- individual counseling, correct? You don't like? Are you nervous about it? Don't you like the therapist? If not get another.

We go to MC and I really like the therapist and the therapy. I always thought "Therapy, geeze what am I crazy or something?" (from Nebraska)

I have met with her (therapist) alone and totally broke down, blubbering like a baby. And I think it was good. I wasn't real embarrased or anything. I was just letting it out. And she helped. Usually I am sorry the hour is up.

About the scratches. PLEASE don't do that. Come on to MB and keep your hands busy typing!

Just saw your last response while I am typing this. My W says it was his communication that hooked her. First the emails then the phone calls. After Dday I went on line and checked her phone calls. They talked like 3 total hours a day! I would leave for work at 6:00 AM and she would call him at 6:05. I don't know how HE got any work done.

OH WELL, all in the past. We are rebuilding.

ARE YOU?? Don't know anything about you.
k

<small>[ August 11, 2004, 12:47 AM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

Day by day, right? That same MB'er I referred to before, also says "baby steps." Just keep moving forward.

OK--for real now--I'm starting to type eratically now!

Have a good night--get some sleep and I'll be looking for your post tommorrow morning saying what a great night's sleep you got and a smile on your face--because it's a new day, and a new start to the rest of your life! Treat everyday like that!

Take care of yourself, K? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

LINY, i thought you were going to sleep!!! thanks for taking time to post to me some more. how about we both go to sleep now, it is almost 1am here. and i guess i will need my rest and energy to continue this fight, right?? he is not quite ready to really discuss how to re-build this marriage, although his actions are showing me that he has the desire to stay married. he just gets angry when we try to actually talk.

thanks again. i will try hard to get more positive. nite

I'm sorry k...didn't mean to ignore you--you have a great night too!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

K,

yes IC is individual counsoling. i like her, she is nice, i have no problem talking to her. i just am losing sight as to how reviewing my lifetime of poor choices and bad experiences are supposed to get me anywhere in the end.

H says he wants to stay married but i am not convinced he wants to build a strong relationship with me.

i appreciate your posts, God has given me such a wonderful resourse here.... why can't i use it wisely and start really doing the right things??? i get so frustrated at myself.

anyway, i really am off to bed now. good night and thanks again to you both.

FL,
Hey, I've been watching for you! I'm sorry you feel so defeated right now, but I know you are a prayer away from victory. Look up Phillipians 4:4-7. Please do it now.

Now that you have the verse, please understand, that God works in this way. He brings or allows circumstances in our lives through our weaknesses to bring us closer to Him. These are the thorns of our lives. You have taken the first steps. You are admitting your weaknesses and taking responsibility for you choices. These things don't take place over night. Please think back to just a year ago and where you were. Think about how much your addictions controlled you and now God is providing to you the strength to endure and defeat them.

I am pleased that you have Beth Moore's book, "Breaking Free". You have started it and I just want you to know that as you read it, I would be happy to help you understand it or just reflect on what you are experiencing. It is a book crafted by God for broken people like us. Beth Moore had a difficult childhood to overcome and was restored by God as an adult. It is her journey to the Father adn she will teach you how to get there. I truly believe you will benefit greatly from it.

The tough part about relationships is that they involve risk. It is true for all of us, but there is one relationship that involves no risk. That is your relationship with God. If you choose His path, He will meet your needs. When you stumble and fall, He is faithful to pick you up. He will never leave or forsake you. It may seem like He is not there, but He is always there. His love is unconditional and unchanging.

I just want to encourage you that you will get through this time and that defeat comes when you give up. I know its hard, but I survived the first year. I got knocked down many times, but somehow got back up and kept on working. I give all the credit to God, because He sustained me when I had absolutely nothing left. I had to hold onto Him, because there was nothing left in my life to hold onto. That is exactly where he wants us, totally dependant on Him for all our needs. That's my testimony and it will be yours too!

Christ's Love,
Roman