My original post "should WW read MB website" has all the details of where I'm at with the program. Briefly, I exposed WW A to the OM Mother. She is against the A and within 2 hours the OM was told of the exposure. WW was angry (textbook) but I maintained Plan A and was able to subside the anger. Even had a decent evening talking of DD and DD B-day plans. The only downside to the evening was WW said she was going to move out. I didn't LB (I was forewarned of the WW expected actions).

I received alot of great responses of how it was handled. One from WAT really got me thinking of the separation agreement and the anticipated Plan B letter. BTW, I mentioned to WW that we would have to come up with a separation agreement the night she said she was going to move out. Didn't hit home because I believe the fog/anger from the exposure was clouding thoughts.

BTW, if anyone is contemplating exposure, I am now a huge proponent of exposing the A to the OM family, OM/OW spouses, etc. I also agree not to expose at work right up front as that was suggested to be a last resort. The reason I'm for exposure is because the "uncomfortable" pressure was noticed immediately and I could see the possibility of the A withering on the vine (all within 5 hours). Sorry rambling. Still anxious/concerned from tonight.

Back to this evening. WW told me "it's expensive to get a place" (Southern California). I didn't say anything until back from celebrating DD B-day. Here comes my anxiety. I asked WW if she had a timeline. No timeline. I told her that "I don't want her to move out, I want to work on our marriage." I followed with another statement of the separation agreement. WW asked what it was and of course I told her how it's a plan to ensure both of us are protected. We lay out finances, stop joint accounts, etc. Immediate response - WW shutdown. WW said it's my fault (not with concern in voice - more like distain) and anything that happens to her, she deserves. I could see the anger building (I'm still not LBing) and didn't want to talk anymore. So I continued (against better judgment from seasoned MB'rs) and explained the only way for this to work is NC and WW she doesn't want to do that. No response regarding working on our marriage (a huge Plan A "don't do" - talk of future plans). WW was now shutdown.

My concern is where do I go from here. WW hasn't made a decision to move out, I explained I don't want WW to move out but I've planted a huge seed that I want to undo. I don't want WW thinking I'm "working behind her back setting up for divorce". Am I overreacting? Did this help or have I set myself back in the Plan A project? Any insight from those who share knowledge and strength.

Thanks in advance and if you're "lurking" and "learning" (which I did for 2 weeks), I'm new at this and it's amazing how accurate the advice from "those in the know" make you more powerful and helps ease the pain. If you're hurting like I was (lost 22.5 lbs in 3 weeks), I can tell you now that knowledge and a little time really helps ease the pain which enables a clearer mind.

God Bless.

My WW has said 'that is it' if I tell OM GF or her head sport coach. Not sure what that means but a huge LB anyway. I am trying to get contact method for OM GF.

Some of WW family and many friends now know. WW not happy about that but accepting. A bit embarrassed I think. I hope too that I see the commitment to the A shaking as it is exposed, but that could just be hope on my part.

I will not disclose to MIL as she is elderly and has cancer and I do not see that this would be an acceptable thing to do ( although under normal circumstances this would have a huge effect on the situation, for good or ill I am not sure).

Thank you for your post - it highlights that I have done the right thing in limiting exposure so far BUT that I do need to expose to OM GF ASAP.

Good luck, and God Bless.

Bob...I'll tell ya. One of the biggest decisions I had to make was that exposure. As Tree said in her earlier post, some relief was experienced and I too felt the relief.

I've been reading all of your posts and feel almost all of your pain. The MB'rs here coupled with time have really helped me. The ups are up and the downs are down, but at least I have some clarity of what to expect when implementing MB philosophies.

You hang in there too and although there isn't a light in my tunnel yet, I feel better knowing there are alot of people who are on the other side and are doing great.

God Bless.

Hi Sailor!

I'd say that things look good... It sure sounds like your W is having second thoughts about moving out, thus her commments on how expensive it would be for her to move out... and not having any set timeline for doing so...

I vote for keeping up a great Plan-A and showing her your best side. Make it very plain to her that you DON'T want her to move out... You want to rebuild your M together... but that she MUST stop all contact with the OM in order to do so.

The fantasy life with the OM will start to fade quickly when the reality of life starts to set in...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thanks RIF90. Exactly what I needed to hear. I will Plan A my a** off and in the background develop a Plan B letter and separation agreement. I want bring it up again until either the move is complete, my Plan A timeline is up and ready for Plan B or if WW brings it up.

As always, thanks and thanks to others who may respond. I find myself wanting to read MB postings more than I'm able. The strength gained from coming here is amazing as are the kind folks willing to help others in need.

LS, at times I think my own situation is very hopeful, but I am scared to be too optimistic,cos I'm nothandling downers well right now.
My WW has shown no intention ( other than fog talk) to move aout and is making future plans ( buying new school uniform for my D new school in September) etc.

Only hurtful fog talk and lack of affection and an insistence on seeing OM at karate tournaments are real downers (tho' she hasn't actually DONE that yet).

I love the girl so much ....

LS I'm doing better these last 2 days than any time since D-day.

Love the girl, pray and plan a your butt off. Its all we can do br'a.

(((ls)))

RIF90 has some good points. I would take it a step further and you can do this in a few days or a couple of weeks but not much longer.

Here it is: Let her know that you want to work on the M (hence allowing her to stay @ home), however if she continues the OM contact, then she must leave in order to lessen the pain of her contact.

Remember you can't control her, only yourself. If she makes the statement about what will happen to her or how will she survive out of the home, let her know her actions are choosing she leave. In fact tell her that her actions are begging her to leave so while you don't know where she will live or how, you can't control her so she must go.

If she says she will stay and NC OM, let her know that after she does that then you will 'think' about letting her come back but that since her and the OM are tied together with various body parts (yep say it like that to put distain on the A), that you are sure she needs time to work it out. NOTE: This is reverse babble.

Work on this plan, it is in line with the tough love approach as outlined by Dr James Dobson in his book: Love Must Be Tough. Also hand her your Plan B letter at the same time.

Double whammy? Yes but if you put all this out at once you may not have to go through it again or if you do, it w/b much easier. Anything less will lessen the impact and the WS will feel free to hurt you some more.

JMHO,
L.

Sailor - time to be patient.

Don't expect any more 5 hour results.

Make it clear by your actions that you want to repair your marriage - solid Plan A actions. Reinforce with calm words and NO LBs.

But continue with separation document/Plan B plans. The best way to make sure you won't need them is to have it all ready. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I followed with another statement of the separation agreement. WW asked what it was and of course I told her how it's a plan to ensure both of us are protected. We lay out finances, stop joint accounts, etc. Immediate response - WW shutdown.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She shutdown because of the seriousness of what you were saying. Reality, not fantasy.

You work on "reality" while she has time to stretch out the fantasy. Guess which one has the legs?

I guess my sense is that you need to let exposure and all that comes with it sink in. Go slow. Don't bring up the separation agreement again unless the conversation naturally leads to it. Don't push this on her - let it arise as a consequence of her decision to move out. Let her make her decisions, i.e., do NOT deny her the opportunity to make bad ones. But when she does, simply react with your necessary actions that are the consequences of those bad decisions. The key is to do it all VERY calmly and without any hint of retribution or vengence. Very difficult, but you can do it. I hope you don't have to.

Why do you think you backtracked? I see only progress.

WAT

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 05:44 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Orchid, WAT, RIF90. Thank you for another "smack of clarity and support". I will continue to Plan A and work this as scheduled.

Thank you for your continued wise and effective techniques......God Bless each of you.