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<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:43 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

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I think trying to contact the OW's H is a good next step. (Not telling your H or OW so as to be most potent in blowing their fantasy life)

Other MBers......am I right?

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Yes, let him know-no need to mention who you are.

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I would start MC. I would want to get him to tell the truth. There are a great deal of books and things to do that help to prepare for this.

Honesty is the best policy. But it is so hard to get betrayers to tell the truth, esp. when they refuse to see it themselves (so often if not always!)

Telling the spouse of the one(s) he is cheating with is another viable option.

Have you suggested a counselor, or attended yet?

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<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

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<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

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Pemberly..

Get thee to the doctors office, do not pass go, be tested for every single std there is..then in 3 mo do it again..ditto at six months..DO NOT HAVE SEXUAL CONTACT OF ANY SORT WITH HIM. His dalliances could cost you your life.

Next..I would pack up his clothes and set them on the front porch before he gets home from work. I would absolutely have someone [preferably someone big] come and stay with you. I would have the phone in my hand to call the police..I would change the locks. You husband..is..for the moment..every bit the predator your parents thought he was.

This is a good way for him to find out just who he is dealing with. That you are serious. That you will not be tolerating this disgusting and disrespectfull mockery of your marriage vows. You will not be apologising for, nor even defending your spyware..he has just been busted for betraying you at a death penalty level, you owe him absolutely nothing from this point on. Anything you choose to give him is purely that..a choice and a mercy..he does not deserve your mercy, but you may choose to extend it nonetheless. Do not confuse mercy with foolishness. Do not disappear into the fog yourself..the fog of wishfull thinking. You have to be ready for the fight of your life if you want there to be any hope of a future for the two of you as a couple. He needs to change at a character level..he has an addiction, until this happens you have no ground to plant seeds in. I am so desperately sorry to hear of this. I refrained from posting yesterday about your parents interference because I suspected that they might have a better handle on the situation than you gave them credit for..their reaction was so like a family circling the wagons to keep the wolf out. Often someone who is outside of the relationship really can see more clearly what is going on than a person inside of it. It doesn't mean that they can make your decisions for you..but they are not subject to his manipulations and intimidation. They don't love him and aren't vulnerable to him.

So that's my advice and I stand behind it..I am not excluding the possibility of plan A..I am saying that there are issues to be dealt with first..if you are concerned about abuse he should not be in the house..stand your ground until you legally haven't got anymore..let your parents force sale of it if necessary. Protect yourself first..then..while you are whole and thinking clearly, begin to approach your marriage if you feel there is anything there worth salvaging..do not be afraid to take the time..he isn't going anywhere he hasn't already been, and if you are worth so little to him that he will only return to you on the condition of having your complete compliance in any and every situation..better off without such people and everyone knows it [we just really wish that such people were not our beloved]. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Noodle

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Forgot to mention..he has an explosive temper eh?

ok..keep your evidence..print it out etc..

do not have a confrontation..merely let him arrive home to a locked house that he is no longer welcome in. He doesn't need an explanation. He knows what he has done. No point in listening to him rant and rave and justify etc etc etc ad nauseum. Tell the OWH today! Right now! If your husband can manage to ask in a civil and respectfull manner why you have displaced him..simply slide a copy of your evidence under the door. They say that WS are thinking on the emotional level of a six year old...you have to be tougher than the six year old. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

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Do not give away your source...spyware...if at all possible. WS's can just get more secretive and better at hiding if they aren't ready to give it up. Hopefully, it hasn't been going on very long.

I don't know if I could hold out a week before telling WS that you know.

If would definitely try to reach the OWH asap. I was able to obtain the OWH's cell phone # and called him when he was out of state on a hunting trip. I got the info through his secretary. I don't know if you are able to do any research to find him probably difficult. Otherwise, you'll have to wait until Friday.

Read all about plan A and B on this site if you haven't already. Try to get a handle on your emotions. Difficult, I know. Do not take this personally. Although you contributed to the state of your marriage pre-A, you are not the cause of his choice to cheat. That choice has been his alone and a weakness in his own character and moral compass.

When you do calmly confront him he will deny. You just remain calm and try to be the sane one while insisting that you know for a fact what the truth is. Will he go for an appointment with the paster with you? You could tell him that you know while there. This could help prevent his initial angry outbursts. Try to decide what actions you want and whether or not you want to save your marriage before confrontation.

I haven't read your whole story so I am just responding from the info on this thread. I am sorry if I'm off a bit because of not knowing your history yet.

Take care of yourself. I imagine your emotions are all over the place. You can get a handle on your thoughts and not let them control you by not entertaining obsessive pictures and negative nagging thoughts as they occur. I learned to tell myself to not go there...to kind of stare at the thought as it comes to you until it disapates.

This is really just the beginning of your rollercoaster...even if you have been suspecting A's for a while. You were not crazy.

Try to center yourself so you can eat and try to sleep.

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Dear Pemberley, my heart goes out to you.

I have been where you are today. Let me offer hope too we are on the road to a great life. It is hard.

Don't act or react just yet, let your head settle, have a shower - cry where the kids can't see you, emotions are very hard to control and can drive a wedge between you where he may feel vindicated in leaving if you go haywire.

If you can get your kids looked after by a relative for a few days. There is a lot of stuff they do not need to see or hear about, and especially affected by.The other alternative is hire a babysitter and get out to 'talk'.

Ask him how he feels, what would make him happy? how would he like his future to pan out? positive stuff with indications of your willingness to be the wonderful wife of his dreams etc. - sounds daft right now I know, but for me this actually worked.Try to avoid accussations, nasty names etc., he knows what he has done, you are at an advantage he doesn't know you know, you are now presented with an opportunity to be a loving, caring supportive wife, when he may feel he doesn't deserve you. The light at the end of the tunnel could be you. You are the woman who is willing to support him & help him restore his dignity & self respect.

I know there is a fab link will try to find it think JOHN39 had it on his sig line it's WAT's quick ref guidelines. if someone can come back quicker all the better. Be strong, it is challenging but you must for your own self be dignified, honest, open to HEAR, (ps hearing & dumping what is not true), and willing to change.

Write out what you want to say KEEP CALM, reread it as if from his perspective, will you be able to let him feel loved by you,to tell him so. Offer him a safe place to be, That you are his best friend that he can talk to you about anything. Be welcoming & friendly to him. I know that sounds ludicrious when you may want to put him through the window, but hon if you provide the environment that to him seems stable, happy, and loving, he will question himself in WTF is he doing, if you go ballistic he will justify to himself. Deep breaths.

Contact OWH,hmm I may get blasted for this. Yeah let him know what you know, but he may be fully aware of his wife's behaviour and choose to ignore it or worse not believe you, he could be used to her picking up guys in bars, they may be swingers. Hopefully he would be a short term ally.

Telling OP spouse is only one step,(it did not bring us any closer infact caused huge anger and resentment - how dare I blah, blah, blah,). Courage.

Do not listening to negative guff learn to discern reality from fantasy.

The next and most difficult of all was remaining CALM - I mean it, we can rant & rave - it serves only to release pent up emotions, and scare the outta the receipient who would in likelyhood feel like running for the hills. CALM, CALM, TOUGHTFUL, WORDS - DECIDE WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE THE OUTCOME TO BE & WORK FROM THERE. MAKE IT SAFE FOR HIM TO BE WITH YOU... I do hope you get it.

Good luck for the mo.

PS eat, eat food, don't forget, even chocolate has its purpose, as for Friday 13th T.G.I.Fridays do brilliant burgers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> In a couple of years you'll say f.it what a stupid blip in our lives, what are we doing tonight Thank God it's Friday Yippee.

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<small>[ January 25, 2005, 01:35 AM: Message edited by: *blondblossom* ]</small>

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Can't find WAT's quick ref guide at mo.
Orchid's reverse babble speak is excellent Reverse Babble by Orchid
And there is actually an entire forum for
Just Found out

Keep sane, breath in, breath out, focus on the big picture, end result -long term.

OK these were excellent basis to start with
WAT's quick-start guidelines
&
John39 complement to WAT's quick start

(edited to add WAT's & J39s URLs)

This is going to get tougher you are facing the biggest emotional challenge, you need to be prepared, remember to eat, sleep.

Being nice in the face of adversity - pound the pavement, get busy - productively, clear your clutter out, or something, paint a wall, do not allow yourself to indulge in the real grief & agony you are suffering until you are sure you are in a safe place, that it will not impact on him (yet) or your children. Play upbeat music.

<small>[ August 14, 2004, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: Ktulu ]</small>

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Pemberley, please calm down before you do anything. I would sit down with your H when he comes home and tell him you know all about Mrs XX and his affair. Ask him for an explanation.

If he denies it, tell him that you BOTH know it is true and you won't waste time trying to prove something he already knows. DO NOT give up your source of information.

And don't you dare let him bully you into feeling guilty about snooping. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back.

Tell him that you expect him to end this affair today with a no contact letter and that you won't sleep with him until he is tested for STDs.

He also can't very well guarantee nc with the OW if he works in this bar so will probably have to quit his job. This is a point you don't want to vacillate on, you will regret it dearly if you do.

That is your starting place. See how he reacts and then come back here and tell us.

And don't say anything about contacting the OWH. You can just contact him when he gets back.

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Mel and others are giving good advice. As hard as it is, play it cool and cautious. No SF 'til everything is checked out.

Can you do a criminal background search on the OW? Not sure why a mother is leaving her children to go to bars when her H is out of town.

Double check if ow's H is out of town. I knew of one OW who brought the WS to her home and her children were sleeping! They can be quite blatant.

Can you find out where Ow's H works? Do a background check on him to see if it is safe to contact him. Just to make sure he is safe to contact.

In the meantime, pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

L.

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<small>[ September 01, 2004, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

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I think radical honesty as described by MB concepts would suggest not outright fibbing about sources but you can say

I will not address how I know at this time. The fact is.....I know that you are cheating.


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