Hey Guys , I ve been posting here and there , not my own lately . I will admit I been spending hours on TOW . BUT here it is . Something inside I am just still not happy , I mean I am OK , but theres so much emptyness inside , so lonely in there .

Heres all the problems inside my head:
I am obsessed with OW (I'll admit it I am )
Days go by where I wish I was her , she is younger, skinner, prettier, and god knows what else . She also had a part of my H that I miss greatly parts that I married him for .

YES I had them first he didn't give or say anything different to her then he ever did with/to me . BUT since back that part of him has been well not 100% I got back about 60% witch is not enough for me . I hate her cause I shared him the side of him that was ONLY mine the side I was only privaliaged to .

Next: ME I feel I hold back in things I want more then anything exciting sex life , I feel ugly, intimadated , and foolish .

I am not enjoying being a W and a mother . Don't get me wrong I love my kids , I will lay down and die for them and also my H .

BUT its not making me happy cause its not the way I want it ,, and thats cause of this A , it raped me of my LIFE .

REALLY , I never thought it would affect me like this and for so long .

I do not to work on me , in the sense of find something to fill the void . I want the only things I had to fill the void my H .

I do not like much never did, even as a child not any interst other then being happy , being with people I love and well sleeping LOL

I do not feel the need for being sucsessful in the respect of a job , cause I always felt that doesn't make one a sucsessful person . Happiness does .

I want to turn back time and can't , thats a B!TCH
I want to work maybe to get attention not for any other reason , MY H is more good looking now then before , he is sexy, cute , thin but built >>>I am upset with this .

I look at me and see an aging women . I want sexy again and can't have it not in the way I want it and not the way OW has it ,,, mostly not the way my H sees me .

Sex as gotten better he is trying since the last couple of talks/fights . BUT I feel myself holding back like I will never be able to measure up to her anyway , and in a sense like he is doing it out of DUTY to our M .

We have no money and and much dept , H hates his job and is very down about that and I am well some where in there .

We talk , sit, TV , go for a drive , visit people ,, BLAH BLAH BLAH ...,

I thought i could explain this better but I think I am failing at that and rambling . WHy does the A get to be so FUN and life in M seem to get well so not FUN .

Why is this work and the A is only fun work ,, sneaking , and planing . ????

Sometimes I sit and think I can't blame him maybe if I would of let opertunity in I to caould of had an escape and excitment .
The other day I was cleaning and he helped alittle I was thinking and LOL and almost said, to him GOOD for you ya lucky thing you went out and had some fun (the A) got to feel free again .

OK I am lost in this needed to get it out .

Anyone who feels like deep convo feel free I am all ears .

Hi 3isacrowd....I do not have much advice for you but I can totally relate about how you feel about OW.. even though my bf stopped seeing her last year he has still talked to her a couple times this year and I'm still feeling all obsessed about her, like if I see her name somewhere, or see someone who resembles her... ughh I hate it, even though this girl isn't nearly better than me, I still feel pissed off that I spend my time thinking about her...

3 -

I hear ya!

I just recently posted wondering if I'm having my own mid-life crisis now.

We are getting along pretty well, but things just seem so...empty.

I spend way too much time thinking about the last OW, which is stupid because she is a loser.

I'm not sure what to do.

I thought maybe we just needed more time.

sss

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 3isacrowd:
<strong> I want to turn back time and can't , thats a B!TCH
I want to work maybe to get attention not for any other reason , MY H is more good looking now then before , he is sexy, cute , thin but built >>>I am upset with this .

I look at me and see an aging women . I want sexy again and can't have it not in the way I want it and not the way OW has it ,,, mostly not the way my H sees me .

Sex as gotten better he is trying since the last couple of talks/fights . BUT I feel myself holding back like I will never be able to measure up to her anyway , and in a sense like he is doing it out of DUTY to our M .
. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3isacrowd.

I wish I could offer advice on the other points, but I really can't. I can tell you this with fair certainty;

Sexy is an attitude, a state of mind. Sexy doesn't have to be beautiful. In fact, one of the worst encounters I had as a young man was with a very beautiful model.

Sexy can be thick or thin, tall or short, loud or quiet. I have seen large short women that were so full of vigor and confidence that they just radiated sexy. Don't get confused by the OW appearance. Your spouse picked you first. Don't worry about your size or the changes in your body since giving birth. These are normal and womanly. Let the sexy you come out with your hubby. Wear it like a proud badge. Your sexuality belongs to you and does not have to be contingent on your spouse's whims and fancies.

I slept around a lot before I was married. I can't remember a single time that was better than sex with my dear wife. We have been together almost 30 years.

You got it, and it is perfectly okay to flaunt it with your spouse. You show him what a REAL woman has to offer.

All the best,
Gimble

I have heard that an A is worse to recover from in many aspects than a rape. Let's keep that here between us MBers and not say that to anyone who may have potentially been raped <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

So you say you haven't ever really had many interests..so joining a gym or something isn't going to satisfy you so much as be another chore on your to do list and a reminder that you feel inferior to the OW. I get that. Does your husband know that you feel this way? Does he care? What is he doing to help you through this? If you got back 40% less than you had before..you got ripped off. 60% isn't enough. Why is everything a fight? Can't you tell him that you just need more and expect him to accept it willingly, eagerly and with a little grace?! For goodness sake, no wonder you aren't happy. I wouldn't be happy if I had to go to war for affection either. If my husband had ever compared me critically to the OW we would have been over. So you have a much higher tolerance for poor treatment than I do. The two of you are supposedly in recovery, and I understand that recovery is a process...but honestly if you have to give 300% to get a halfhearted 10 in return..do you feel this is enough? Why? Your expectations in life seem very small. Not too much to ask.

You know..married life can be fun if the two of you want it to be. You can have the planning and the scheming..just have to target someone else rather than each other. You can have the freedom if and only if the two of you are willing to make it a priority. Find some childcare, sneak off for a nooner and get that SF you crave so much. Be creative as though you were having an A with him and the two of you needed those stolen moments away...free from being Mom and Dad.

Really, I can feel your emptiness from here..this has to be addressed..you are envying his A...smell that coffee?!

I know this is mostly a rant..mostly just to vent your frustrations..but you are so very consistent in your areas of dissatisfaction that I can't help but think it really is an issue.

I hope you are feeling better soon--Noodle

Stop lurking on TOW. I think it unhealthy for you and feeds your obsession.

What would your life be like if you forever gave up this obsession?

I think you are where you are because of the numerous d-days and false recoveries and wobbly boundaries surrounding your H's affair recovery.

Somehow, this has become more REAL to you than your actual life!

Turn off the computer, stop reading affair books and go screw your H's brains out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

This is now about you and your self-esteem. Well guess what, you will NOT locate your self-esteem on TOW.

Set a goal for yourself and keep it. What goal would you care to set?

Pep

will anyone indulge a stupid question?

what is tow? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

noodle,
First, there are no stupid questions.

Next:
TOW = The Other Woman

It is a website to support those Involved with MM (married men) in an Extramarital relationship.
Although cheating Men can go there too.

Most there do not appreciate this site very much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by noodle:
<strong> I have heard that an A is worse to recover from in many aspects than a rape. Let's keep that here between us MBers and not say that to anyone who may have potentially been raped <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Noodle, this little "gem" has been popping up here and there in different posts and is a crappy, crappy analogy/comparison. It is a little like the one the made the rounds a year or so ago about whether it was worse to lose a child to death or be a BS. People actually argued over this one!

Please Noodle, think about using this line again, it's not fair to those reading who HAVE been raped. KB

P.S. I see Top beat me to the answer on TOW. Noodle don't bother even checking it out, it's bad, bad, bad.

Hey 3,

I had a few things to say, but Gimble said it far better than I could have. Age like sexy is merely an attitude. And...

As my mom always told us, "beauty is as beauty does".

But I will elaborate on Pep's response regarding the TOW site (might sound strange coming from a former OW) be careful what you wish to understand, because in the understanding you risk becoming! How's that for "deep convo"?

On the advice on TOW I agree..once again I don't have much business there or here, but I was drawn to TOW and have lurked there often, I just couldn't believe what I was reading, it's liek a freak show, you want to take your eyes away but you can't...because most of their views and morals are so twisted it makes you sick to your stomach and think that...yup there are no more good people left..I just want to post a message telling them what sluts they are everytime I go over there...

why did someone tell what that tow site was? curiousity got the better of me and now i feel 10 times worse.

Don't worry, the feeling will go away...I felt bad too for awhile there when I would lurk..but once you stay away from there..the feeling will go away trust me...

TU all for responses I am always greatful <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
NOW I don't want this to be about TOW , I know its bad , but worse when they start to make ya think they make sense in some twisted way .

I mean maybe I am a boring house wife , maybe I couldn't satisfie my man ... what happens if all that is right .

Then theres that hooriable question then why is he back ???

I know we all ask that offten and its part of the process but its still lingers.

Then the obsession as PEP said,What would life be like if I was not ?
I don't know I thought I did but it creeps back in every time I look in the mirror , take my cloths off , make love to my H ...

I feel like I need that confrintation with her , I feel like I did when I had to prove the A ,, I knew it was happening and he diened I had to shove in his face for the confesstion .

Thats how I feel about her ,,, I need this I don't feel complete , and yes its because I know he lies about details ,,, about when he still saw her when living at home I am not stupid , but did let it happen in hopes for well N/C and i got that but now I relize its not enough I want that HOLE trueth and I will never get it NEVER .

And sexy may be a frame of mind but sorry to him its also IN THE LOOK .

Yes it comes in all sizes and shapes but the shape he defines sexy is not mine .

DAM ageing ! I went to the mall the other night and there where about 5 different times I court women and young girls checking out my H ,, I was so angry ,, I mean I dam near wanted to kick some A%$ like I was 18 again ..

and another thing he is not jealous at all any more at all !!!!! he use to be crazy if someone looked now he don't even pay attention .

Last time he was jealous was before he came home and knew I was ready to start dating cause I gave up and was letting go .

Thats it got to fly guys ,, time to watch alittle tv .. I just feel like I am going to break down and he will not want to here it .

I am done talk alter or tomorrow . Tanks all .

OK , I read the responses again ,, and also talked to H alittle ,, this is hard to do cause of our convo 2 wekks ago where the A talk was put off limits .

See he just feels it gets no where and stays in our life when it is not needed and hurts more then it helps .

He does not see or talk to her hasn't in a year, and does not want to ever again . He says he has answered every question with complete haonesty and that I just don't like the answers .

Noodle , your correct with alot that you stated , but see there are no fights here as long as there are no talks of OW in any way .

AND yes PEP , again , your right there was I guess alot of d-days .
Alittle different then some not all , there was discovery when brought it all out but then when home for the forst 17 months there was no D-DAYS I knew when they talked and saw one another it was done with me knowing . VERY hard 17 months .

This liltte over a year has been nothing . My fears I guess are brought on some by reading through TOW , hereing the fact that the M can be good , in order to not raise any brows on the W's end .
ANd the thought that if the MM finds a OW that does not want a d-day also who is willing to be there for years and take even a once a month BANG it can all be going on .

I do not think my H is a ceral cheater , yes I do belive he did this once and only this OW , and yes OW is possesive and probbly wants the HOLE thing , from talking to her I know she was not in it to be the mistress forever .BUT I have my thoguhts on that casue the way things ended , if she found out he came home I do belive she would see him in that manner just out of anger . Ok enough with her.

Back to the A verses M . I see the point of making it exciting the notes , meetings ect.

BUT it does not work , see I tried it to a degree and H isn't in to it , I am his wife . Theres no need for that . I leave him note and he likes it makes him fel good and he does it once in a blue , I tried to meet him at work for a suprise , he didn't care but took as if I was checking on him . NEVER did it before the A , so why now thing , I try to explain it and he says what ever . Don't have money for a sitter and don't leave my children with strangers anyway cause of the allergy problems (anaflactic) spelled wrong .LOL

We have had them baby sat over night this year by family ,, and we enjoyed our selves ,, but not to the degree I wanted .
The back rub don't turn to sex it turns to sleep , then its the I do him he don't do me .

And he always use to , not no more . I know its cause he doesn't enjoy my body . Rolls are so reveresed now that I do not know if we will ever be insync ever .

I am finding it hard to stay motivated , I feel like I missed the youth ship !

I joined the gym it was ok for some time then I hated it , I work out then I stop , feel like I can't get the body to that point for him or myself fast enough for it to make a change in the M .

When I tell ya I know this is an issue in witch he deals with and doesn't say belive me I am right .

I told him this morning that I real think he may have been truely happy if we D instead of trying to recover.

He said, ya know something you couldn't be more wrong , I am happy , I have everything I want except that I hate my job and that we have no money other then that we /I am fine . Our M is more normal now then it has been in years , and the only thing holding us back is your obsession with the A and OW .

But when I say things like then why are you not into me like you use to be he says I am but its different we are older now things change . I said, what like my body ? He laughs and says yes it has what are ya gonna do I except it for what it is if you want to change it thats up to you .

BUT if it don't change then this is the level of attention and affection I will get , he says its just what it is . Your not ugly and your body isn't horriable ,,, YOU just need some work . But its tough I guess .