LS I think OM turned to my WW because hers is the only untempered support he can count on right now. His GF is hurting with him over the A, his ex-wife (mother of accident victim) is hurting with him over their D and lack of contact with S.

My WW would be wholly supportive however as she is in the throes of 'love' with him.

She is absolutely bereft this evening.

This has become bigger than I can keep in my head. I must just keep plan A'ing until the Lord guides me. This is much too big for me to handle.

Bob,
I am so very sorry. This is such a traumatic event for everyone involved. You can't make anything better at this point, just Plan A and make your household as stable and loving as possible.

I would say everyone is in limbo right now, no idea what to expect. Just take care of yourself and the kids. Things will get better with God's help. Ladysing

OMs life has become absolutely crap since D-day.
Without the affair he would be facing this terrible crisis with the love of his GF.

As it is the best he can turn to is the 'lover' he has denied time and again to his GF.

My heart is sick for all involved in this. Who would have thought two weeks ago that I would be the strongest person when this whole mess got worse ?

I pray that OM draws near to his GF and son and at a stroke chooses to make his life less complicated. In that way he can face this tragedy in the way intended: with the love of his family around him.

Lord of Broken hearts, move amongst those affected and resolve their pain for your greater glory. Amen.

Bob, stay strong. You will need to be. This is going to be a very testing time for everyone.

Jen

My WW is wreathed in hate and fog tonight like I have actually killed this man's son.

I am saying nothing except making sympathetic noises.

Dear Lord, guide me through this mess !

advice....anyone ?

You are handling it fine. Bob, maybe you need to go to your "prayer closet," take your bible, and start reciting verses out loud. There is POWER in the word of God. You may even want to pray silently that the evil influences that have a hold on your WW, the OM, and your family, are bound and cast out, in the name of Jesus Christ, never to return again.

Sometimes God allows tragedy in our lives to shake us, wake us up, always with the intent of drawing us near to Him. Or, even if we know that it has nothing to do with God, He still stands there ready to fix it, or heal us, or be there for us at all times. After all, Bob, wouldn't you agree that the A has done this for you. Woke you up, and made you realize that the only one who is TRULY capable of unconditional love, acceptance, and intimacy is Christ Jesus, and He stands there waiting to share His love with you if you will just ask.

You have compassion for OM, keep it up, I feel it in your posts. Pray for him. God tells us to pray for our enemies. OM is an enemy to your family, your wife's salvation, and his own chances of chaste living and favor in God's eyes.

Bob, my advice. Get buried deep in God tonight. You can never have too much of Him, and He always leads us in the way that is best for us, because He has designed such an awesome plan for our life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> My WW is wreathed in hate and fog tonight like I have actually killed this man's son.

I am saying nothing except making sympathetic noises.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why are you giving her sympathy? Her son didn't die! I would just ignore her and let her waller in her hatred. Go have fun with your kids and become a wall against her seething hatred.

Bob, just out of curiosity, how did the boy die? How old?

<small>[ August 22, 2004, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I've thought about this since you posted earlier.

Absolutely do not let her venom suck you in right now.

Take YOUR kids off for the fun in life. The joy of it all.

The OM's son, may he rest in peace, is none of your concern (other than the sadness felt at the life of another being lost).

Let your W feel mad, worried, whatever.

Say sympathic utterances as you have been doing but continue with your positive actions towards your own kids and yourself.

Invite W to join you but do not let her dictate the emotional flavor of the event.

HTH

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
<strong> advice....anyone ? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure I have some...

Don't do anything with the letters for 72 hours....

Time to just watch ... coz there is too much emotionality going on right now... relax

Have you ever surfed? You know how you can just sit on your board and wait out set after set of waves ... waiting for the right one to come along?

Do this.... sit on your surfboard and wait for the right wave.... watch for the best weather conditions that will bring you the best results.

Remember, you have your own internal emotional weather to pay attention to as well.

I think this is a 'holding period" due to recent events.

keep your head low... don't let her toss any bricks at you!

My advice.... a 72 hour "hold".

Pep

<small>[ August 22, 2004, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

You seem to be on good terms with the OM's GF. Why not wait a day or two and then give her a call. Explain to her that there is still some contact between the OM and your WW, by virtue of your WW's knowledge of the car accident. Offer her your sympathies and explain to her that you have some documents that she needs to see. Tell her that they will put the relationship between your WW and the OM into the proper context. It may be good for you to describe your WW's frame of mind to the OM's GF, as she may also shed some light on how the OM has been acting since D-day. I may sound vindictive here, but the OM had no regards for your feelings, so why should you tip toe to avoid hurting his? He should not be turning to your WW at this time. He should be looking for comfort from his own family, not yours.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> Why are you giving her sympathy? Her son didn't die! . </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">perhaps because Bob has made it plain that he would like to SAVE his marriage.....

once her fog has lifted, this is exactly the kind of sympathetic action and support she WILL remember....that Bob, was there for her....even if it is only as a recipient of her seething hatred.....

by all means, take the kids out...remove them from the situation if it is becoming uncomfortable...

but she will eventually remember how you comported yourself, Bob....and you may perhaps, stand out like a knight in shining armour....

these behaviours carry forth into the future...because how you act now indicates what kind of human being you are.....

not necessarily what kind of H you are, you understand?...more importantly..what kind of HUMAN BEING you are....and that is a very BIG thing....

as for the callous remark regarding it not being her son .....melody...re-read that and please realize how harsh and unfeeling that may have sounded....

Bob....congrats on being sympathetic and a caring shoulder in her bizarre time of need...

God bless you Bob....

Dylan

.....melody...re-read that and please realize how harsh and unfeeling that may have sounded....

I am not sure... but this could be a big trigger for Mel... I suspect there is some sort of trigger going on here....

Mel lost her son too ..... Did you know that Dylan?

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by soulloss:
<strong>

as for the callous remark regarding it not being her son .....melody...re-read that and please realize how harsh and unfeeling that may have sounded....


Dylan </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, but I don't see it that way at all. The WW was not harmed here and does not deserve sympathy for the death of someone else's child. That is how I see it.

There is nothing here that I can see that would constitute sympathy. She doesn't deserve sympathy for the death of someone ELSE'S child, a child has never met.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>

I am not sure... but this could be a big trigger for Mel... I suspect there is some sort of trigger going on here....

Mel lost her son too ..... Did you know that Dylan?

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Pep. The trigger is not my dead son, though. The trigger is seeing someone pandering undeserved sympathy. The WW did not even know this child. The ones who deserve sympathy are the parents and the OM's GF.

<small>[ August 22, 2004, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Bob, for whatever reason... justified or no, your wife is in pain. I think it's admirable that you care and want to be there for her. I'm with Dylan on this one.

Because maybe she does not deserve sympathy. Or empathy. But you give it anyway.

That is called Grace.

And that is very Christian.

It's the kind of Grace we pray for when we ask God to forgive us our sins. Because we do not deserve it, but He gives us salvation anyway.

It's the kind of Grace we could ALL use a little bit more of. Both in the giving and the receiving.

Bless you dude. You're in my prayers.

John

Dewt, with all due respect, I am a Christian and I see nothing "Christian" about enabling someone to hijack the tragedy of others and use as a baseball bat over Bob's head. That is just mean and low and there is no virtue in accommodating such behavior.

It just makes me furious to see someone "use" the tragedy of others like that. She didn't even know this child. Screw her.

Plan A does not mean accommodating each and every abusive feeling de' jour of the WW, no matter how inappropriate. Especially when she is using her so-called "grief" as an excuse to be mean to her family. It serves no purpose to accommodate that.

The ones who deserve sympathy are the OM, his Ex and the GF. I would say a prayer for the parents, because they will never ever be the same again.

Part of them was killed with that child; the horror of losing a child is indescribable. Any "feelings" the WW has about the death of this child she doesn't even know don't even BEGIN to compare.

<small>[ August 22, 2004, 07:59 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Bob

I stick with my earlier response, stay your course, stick with Plan A, and give this a few days to settle out.

I believe your foggy WW is just using this as a control factor, in hopes somehow you'll feel sorry for her in a twisted, third party fashion.

Yeah, in her "soulmate" state of mind, she probably feels some pain for the OM, but it in no way is comparable to his state of mind right now. As said before, this loss is not her loss.

You exposed his A, his GF probably gave him a "come to your Jesus" speech, and now, if indeed, he lost his son in a horrible tragedy, it is likely that your WW will only get tidbits from OM, if anything at all.

The OM has a virtual buffet of distractions right now, and I'm willing to wager your WW is falling down his list of priorities rather rapidly.

I'd give things a week or so to stabilize, and for OM to give his son a proper burial, then contact OM's GF, and express your condolences about OM's son, and while in that contact, inform her of the cache of love letters between WW and OM, and ask her if she wants copies. I'd also tell her there has been contact between OM and WW, as he called to inform her of the son's accident. She deserves to know this bit of information.

I'd also inform her of MB and the forums here, and tell her she may get some help from Harley's books, and this site. Do what you sense is best for her under the circumstances.

This may be a good time to give your WW a little reality check, with a heart to heart conversation she may see as a lovebuster, but in reality, where you explain to her carefully how her recent behaviour is making you feel. Others have done this, and while a bit risky, if you don't let it turn into Angry Outbursts or Disrespectful Judgement, you can still have candid conversation, conveying how you are feeling about her recent actions. Others may feel differently about this, but you need to be up front and honest with her about how her actions and words are impacting not only you, but your children, as well.

Remember, these are just suggestions, and you have done a sterling job of acting and reacting within the MB philosophy. My hats off to you, and my best wishes are, as well.

SD

Hmmm...

Perhaps we should maybe shelf the term 'sympathy' and move more into the realm of 'empathy'.

A person who this woman cares about has just lost a son. Regardless of fog, regardless of right or wrong, regardless of anything, there is pain there. And to say 'screw you' to that pain is, IMHO, just wrong.

With all due respect.

John