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The OM and your WW lied to his GF about the extent of their affair for one reason. That reason being that the OM wanted to downplay his affair with your WW to keep his GF and to continue the affair with your WW when the dust settles. How else can one explain the "secret cell phone" that you found after D-day. The OM probably told your WW to tell his GF that the relationship was not sexual so that he could get himself in a position to leave his GF for good. This is another lie of course. He is being a cake eater in simple terms. Your WW is heavy into the fog and probably told the OM that she will leave you as well. If the OM truly wanted to pursue a relationship with your WW then why would he want to try to hide the details of the affair from his GF. Your WW played right into his hands by telling the GF that the affair was not sexual. Why would the OM take a vacation with his GF if he wants to be with your WW? Why would he beg you not to show his GF the proof of his affair if he wanted to leave her? These things do not add up. Your WW is to heavy into the fog to see these things for what they are worth. Show the GF the documentation as soon as possible. Let her see that the OM is a liar and a cheat. She needs to know. You would want to know if you were in her shoes!
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure: If YOU were the betrayed partner of an affairee, wouldn't YOU want to know the truth ? I would. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Bob, I was BS (and unfortunately still feel so)... I don't say you should not say (now I 'know' OM's GF is NOT mom of killed son), just that I don't believe... To be more precise - I (I) wouldn't be pleased with (even if positive/wanted) results if done this way. Why? Let me put it this way... - you say to your wife she'd lose you if she doesn't break up with OM, and she does not - you say to her the same and SHE CHOOSE YOU and leave OM, and working hard to make you (and her) happy together - you say to OM's GF and she makes OM to end A with your W (btw, insisting on convincing her by additional info to those ones you already gave her - do you expect that?) and your W stays with you What option would you prefer? The second one, right? Than no place for the 3rd one... (Btw, like Chris, I don't understand the purpose of 'further convincing' the girl; she knows already...) Different people diferent ways... I never say I am right, I just say what I (I) think. Please don't mind me writing my thoughts... do according your instincts... and rationally... And, as I wrote somewhere above, - "if you are pleased with your methods of winning her back and you feel&have to do so - good luck and a happy M after all..." And, about helping? someone by exposing A of their partner... human?... let's say your boss has an A - would you 'help' the same way to his wife?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
let's say your boss has an A - would you 'help' the same way to his wife?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know what I would do in different circumstances. I am even not fully sure what to do in my own circumstance. If I was not a BS in that Boss' affair I would have scant credence to offer his W.
If I had proof I think I probably would expose the Boss' A, yes. If someone at my WWs karate club had exposed the EA to me sooner maybe we would never have gotten in this mess.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Belonging to Nowhere: (Btw, like Chris, I don't understand the purpose of 'further convincing' the girl; she knows already...)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't believe you are right about this. They have convinced the GF that this was something much different than what it was. They have talked her out of believing there was an affair. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And, about helping? someone by exposing A of their partner... human?... let's say your boss has an A - would you 'help' the same way to his wife?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You didn't ask me, but I would answer: of course. How could a moral person NOT warn someone they were being destroyed behind her back? That would be cruel.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:I don't believe you are right about this. They have convinced the GF that this was something much different than what it was. They have talked her out of believing there was an affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK (If you know that for sure?) So, let's say Bob gives her letters and she learns it was (is, still ongoing) sexual relationship.. and she accepts and decides to work on her R with OM (as she did after learning he had A, or after "they convinced her" it was not/stopped, whatever... Bob's W and OM could concince her they had just one, or two intercourses... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> And life goes one (with him), AS it is NOW... Should then Bob try again to convince her there were more than once/twice? And we can go on and on... IMHO, Bob already told her and from now on he should spend his energy either on a good plan A or on a plan B...
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BTN I am doing the best plan A I know how, but it is hopeless while there is still communication between OM & WW. I could not possibly expend more physical, emotional and spiritual energy on Plan A than I currently am.
Plan B, as I have posted elsewhere, may not be feasable in our situation as OM and WW have no source of income to fund a 'love nest'.
I am interested to know - did the lack of exposure in your situation contibute to ending the affair ?
edit * and going back to your three options BTN, If option 2 worked and my WW chose to stay with me and end the A without my exposing to OMs GF I would never sleep again knowing that the OMs life partner had no idea of what had transpired.
Also the A would certainly rekindle without all protagonists becoming aware.
Remember in this that OM & WW have caused all this hurt. No-one else.
<small>[ August 23, 2004, 11:19 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>
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I don't have the slightest idea what you meant, BTN. The point is that the GF does not have all the true facts about the affair and the letters will resolve that issue. Surely, that is not so complicated to understand, is it? And yes, Bob IS doing an outstanding Plan A. That doesn't mean he passes up an opportunity to ensure that the GF has all the facts. That's easy enough to understand, isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure: [QB]BTN I am doing the best plan A I know how, but it is hopeless while there is still communication between OM & WW. I could not possibly expend more physical, emotional and spiritual energy on Plan A than I currently am.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did I read somewhere that your W asked from you not to say to GF? And that she'd be done with you if you do so? Is that a good plan A? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure: [QB]Plan B, as I have posted elsewhere, may not be feasable in our situation as OM and WW have no source of income to fund a 'love nest'.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't it excellent, to face them with reality?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did I read somewhere that your W asked from you not to say to GF? And that she'd be done with you if you do so? Is that a good plan A? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course it is a good Plan A, why wouldn't it be? Do you even understand the concepts of Marriage Builders, BTN?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane: <strong> I don't have the slightest idea what you meant, BTN. The point is that the GF does not have all the true facts about the affair and the letters will resolve that issue. Surely, that is not so complicated to understand, is it?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was easy to understand <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> All true facts...? From Bob?... Hmmm... Anyway, what when she's got them?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Belonging to Nowhere: <strong> [QUOTE]This was easy to understand <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> All true facts...? From Bob?... Hmmm... Anyway, what when she's got them? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When she's got WHAT?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course it is a good Plan A, why wouldn't it be? Do you even understand the concepts of Marriage Builders, BTN?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hahaahahhaaha I first read the text and almost answered - Bob, I guess I don't LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <small>[ August 23, 2004, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:When she's got WHAT? [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"All true facts"
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Belonging to Nowhere: <strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:When she's got WHAT? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"All true facts" [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't have the slightest idea what you are trying to say.
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Plan A is about stopping the affair. All WS threaten to divorce if exposure takes place. As in my case, it rarely happens.
Plan A isn't kissing [censored], its about stopping the affair , maintaining a bearable life for all involved in the A-affected house and beginning to address some ENs that were not being met pre-a.
If I were to do everything my WW told me I must do I would be meekly babysitting while she continues to meet OM in a motel at lunchtime.
Plan A , including exposure so far has prevented this, has led to a denial of WW by OM to his GF and a reconsiliation attenpt by OM & his GF.
Its my bet that none of this activity would've taken place had I not Plan a'd.
But BTN, you and I must choose out own paths.
Good luck with yours, friend.
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Good morning BP!!!
Any luck on verifying the "death" of the OM's son?
You're doing great!
Semper Fi,
RIF90
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure: But BTN, you and I must choose out own paths. Good luck with yours, friend. [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's exactly what I told you... do what you have to do (as I did), especially if that'll make you feel better... friend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I wish you good luck too, as always, from the beginning, and - beyond my ending here... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Bob Pure, I haven’t posted to you in a while, but I just want to say I follow all your posts and I think you handle this situation very good under the current circumstances. You are doing great! Bob, I agree the GF needs to know & have all the facts, the only problem is finding the right time to do so (possibly a few days after the funeral IMO). May God grant you continuous strength, guidance and wisdom in this decision and through this difficult time. Blessings and prayers to you, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Suzet
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Bob,
I know the situation is touchy but honestly you have no loyalties to OM. Maybe to his GF, because you hold the info that could help her in her relationship with OM. She needs to know, which you have already done. Good on ya!!
But SHE needs to be the one to confront him AFTER you give her the proof. She loves him and she is the one that needs to handle this with kid gloves----your's have already came off.
Granted, we are all spouting off opinion after opinion and ultimately, this is your decision to be made on what you feel led to do. I realize you might feel torn and are "fence sitting" so to speak. IMVVVVVHO you should make a decision and step off the fence, rather than wait and be pushed off. Keep praying.
God Bless
Doug
<small>[ August 24, 2004, 06:16 AM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>
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