<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:37 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

you don't mention if you have children...if it is just you, do you not have any close friends in the area that would let you use their guest room for a temporary period? Oreven if children are involved, I'm sure they would be willing to let you stay for awhile at least. You feel terrible now, but there are people around you love you and want to help. Good friends are invaluable at a time like this.

I don't remember your story, but why are you the one that has to leave? If your H is the one who had an A and decided he wanted to seperate then he should be the one to leave. He needs to feel the full consequences of his actions.

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Your folks seem to think you're the confused one. Do they understand your motivation to reconcile, and where it all comes from? Do they understand that you want to protect your marriage so you can be with your H as long as they have been together?

Do they think your H is a jerk and you are a loser for wanting him back? It seems crazy. Do they understand the concepts of redemption and forgiveness?

If you absolutely must stay with them, then making that stay as temporary as possible should be your first priority.

GC

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Hey pem,

Are you able to talk openly with your parents?

I'm just thinking back to shortly after d-day when I told my Mom & Dad all about H's A. My parents, mostly my Dad, were so upset. They couldn't imagine ever seeing, speaking, etc. to my H ever again. It was very upsetting for me. I finally just asked them what they wanted for me? They said happiness. I said that's all I want also. I told them that I needed their love and support while I try to figure out what to do and what I wanted. It didn't help me when they pointed out what a loser they thought my H was.

Guess what? It worked. By Thanksgiving last year, we (H, me, M&D) were all in the same room together and there were no fist fights or anything.

Your parents only want the best for you. That's why they say the things they do. They may think they are supporting you with what they are saying and not realize they are hurting you.

Wow pem. The feeling I get about your H when reading your posts is that he is already gone! He has now made it clear that he cares only about himself first. He's not going to be faithful. Keeps throwing up potential roadblocks to reconciliation (making sep ugly, in-laws hating the WS, etc.). He really doesn't come across as a real loving or caring husband who wants to work anything out. It doesn't sound like he's been meeting your EN's for a long time now.

I sincerely hope I am wrong pem.

Please be sure to take care of yourself during this separation.

sss

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Well..

I'm not suprised to hear this [I remember your previous post]..but here's the thing..when you accept help from someone, you do it on their terms. Another harsh truth? Your parents are completely entitled to their opinion of your H.

However!

They are also not treating you as an adult. They are not willing to extend you the right to make your decisions so I probably would not go and stay with them. Pemberly..you do have other options...it is simply that you do not have options that will be comfortable . Since you do not have children..there is nothing to stop you from seeking aid at a womens center or similar shelter. I wish that you had sought more in your sep. agreement, but that opportunity has passed. I would liquidate any and every asset that I had and put the money in a safe account that H can't touch. Furniture..anything..we are talking about survival here. We are also talking about your ability to stand on your own feet and begin to firmly draw your boundaries for everyone in your life..H, parents..anyone who is in the habbit of regarding you as less than themselves.

I understand completely your parents anger, frustration, outrage, and desire to protect you..perhaps from yourself as you are extremely vulnerable to your H. [I myself have read a few posts that have made me want to crawl through this screen and make that kid from The Ring look like Pollyanna] This is not their life though..you have to live it..even if you did as they wished and divorced him..you'd go right back at first opportunity whether things were truly right or not simply because they had forced you into a decision that you were not ready to make.

Maybe have a conversation with your parents..not to plead with them to allow you to do as you see fit..but to tell them that you are hoping that they will reconsider, as this is a difficult and painfull time, and that you would really appreciate their support..but that if they can not be respectfull of your decisions..you will simply have to look elsewhere.

Good luck and don't be too awfully afraid..there are a lot of resources available for people who find themselves in your position..look into them.

pemberley,

H also told me last night whether or not we get back together will depend in large part on our families, because he saw first-hand in his family what happens when in-laws dislike the spouse and will have nothing to do with that spouse.

That is the biggest load of bullcr$p I have heard. The fact that you dutifully put it in your post says that this man is STILL manipulating the hell out of you. The one and ONLY reason your M will fail is because this excuse riddled man does not have the intestinal fortitude to accept responsibilty for what he has done, past, present and future.

I know that holding his feet to the fire when statements like that are uttered can almost always be a LB. Your reply should be " I don't believe that for one minute".

Hi Pem.

I must tell you how in awe I am of your inner strength and constant composure through this painful time. I have kept up with your situation and my heart breaks for you...I really understand everything your going through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have to tell you in reading your posts there is much I reconized in myself....

You take care of others before yourself, even at the expense of yourself. Your husband has no idea what he's losing right now.

As far as your housing situation goes here are a few brainstormed ideas and well meant advice:

I would not let your husband abandon you without taking responsibility. I know you are in plan A, and I know you want to save your marriage,and I know you are selling your house...but he has a responsibility to you as his wife. You should talk to an attorney just to get the proper info.
(Isn't his money and assets joint while your married?)Even if your not getting divorced there should be some type of temporary financial guidelines in place.

My parents are exactly like yours towards my husband. (In fact my Dad is still irritated I am not divorcing my husband). If you have to move in with them for awhile, you should have a talk about some guidlines for living with them.

For example: If they don't want your husband visiting their home, they have that right - but they do not have the right to keep mail from you or messages. Nor do they have a right to control where you go or what you do. It may help if you explain to them that their emotions and rules are only adding to your pain and stress right now, not helping you find your own way in life.

Even if they don't agree, you need their support through this journey, not another obstacle...

Another idea I wanted to suggest is to look at moving in with a roomate. I would post notes at coffee houses or other community places to see if there are others looking for the same.

Take care of yourself...things will look better another day.

Rachel

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

We decided (before the separation came up, though perhaps H had already been thinking about it) to sell our home, and we close in a few weeks.

You are getting 1/2 the equity in the home, correct?

I would make it a condition that you sign ONLY if you get a check made out to you at closing.

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: pemberley ]</small>

Is there any cell service that does work in your parents' area? What about a prepaid cell phone?

Do you have time to find a roommate? If you live in a college area, it might be easy this time of year. Where we live, you could even get a job as a sorority house mom, and that would kill two birds with one stone.

Wow...my first double post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: Could Be Worse ]</small>

Once taxes are paid on the profit from the house
Did you own & live in the house for two years?
If so, you probably do not have to pay taxes on the profit (if you are in the U.S.)
See Publication 523 (2003), Selling Your Home
Read the section, "Excluding the Gain".