I am asking the WSs out there, does this seem right to you?

We don't talk about the A because of the stress of her mother's cancer. She may have 2 or 3 months left. Her mom is a fantastic lady.

She was up taking care of her mom last night and called. She asked what I was doing and said I was on the computer on the MB board. "Oh do you still go onto that?" I said yes, it helps me alot.

She acted surprised and asked if I still thought about the A and OM. (Dday was 05/31/04) I said yes, sometimes, not as much as I did.

She said she never thinks about the A or OM anymore. Just thinks about us and getting on with our lives.

I don't think this is fogspeak. But I was amazed at the lack of empathy she has for me.

Oh well, back on the rollercoaster!!
k

Hey krush! In answer to your question: I agree, *probably* not fogtalk. "Probably." However, it highly concerns me that she "never" thinks about it. Something's wrong there. (Sorry.) Either she's in denial and cannot face the pain she's caused; right now at this moment, yeah, with her Mom being in the state of decline she is in, she doesn't have "time" to think about it; or, it *may* be fog--almost like saying to you, "Get over it." By her "never" thinking of it, she is dismissing *your* feelings. Not good. She needs to validate *your* feelings, whether or not you think about it daily; it happened and will always have some impact (good or bad) on the R. Hope this helps. I'm sure the seasoned MB'ers can give you more in depth answers!

Dang--dp! Board *extremely* slow today!

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

I have a different take on this...

When your FWW tells you that she never thinks of the OM or the A, she thinks that she is re-assuring you that she is done with the affair and is ready to move on with you. It's NOT an attempt to discount your feelings.

Truth be known, she probably thinks about the affair and all the havoc she created about every 5 minutes or so. She just doesn't want to burden you with her struggle to get over it.

This was my thinking as well. I did venture into the realm of radical honesty once and told my wife that I was thinking about the OW and the affair. She was terribly hurt and almost asked me to leave right then. I knew then that getting over this was going to be a private battle that I'd have to keep to myself.

Your wife may not feel safe telling you what she truly feels. Have you created a safe environment for her to do that? How would you respond if she told you she was missing the OM? Would you validate her feelings like you'd like her to do yours?

Low

<small>[ September 01, 2004, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>

LowOrbit,

The A was 2 1/2 years and I think it was dying on the vine. Emails I saw were OM arguing with her "you say if I love you I would let you go, but I just can't". So I think it had run its course and she wanted out. Also didn't want me to find out and I think there was a fear that OM might let me know if she cut it off.

There is a very safe environment here. We don't discuss the A, no questions, all caring and happy.

If she said she had feelings for the OM.....I almost think I would understand better than the not even thinking about the guy that "knows her better than she knows herself" just 3 months ago and signed off on her emails "I love you" to him.

Just turning that switch off! But like you said, she may be doing this to spare me.

Thanks for the insight. "Venturing into the REALM of radical honesty" I like that.
k

Low Orbit,

You said you knew getting over this was going to be a private battle that you would have to do by yourself.

Did MC help at all to increase communication between you both.

You make it sound like you and she were silently working through it alone but together.
k

krusht,

Seems to me that there are two kinds of A out there-
1) I've found my soul mate-WS thinks of leaving marriage and goes through lots of withdrawal if S ends A.
2) I'm just fooling around--never thinks of leaving M-just is out for a good time

My WH had the 2nd type--maybe your W did too? He never went through withdrawal and ended all contact immediately. If I ask him about the OW he insists he does not think about her and I believe him. I think he is telling me that he doesn't want to be with her and never preferred her to me. He does think about the A a lot--not to fanatsize in it but to regret that he made such a big mistake BUT it took him 6 months to get to the point where he realized he was really going to have to sort through ALL the issues involvedin the A if we were going to have the full vibrant (and honest) relationship we both want. I think a lot of WS try to "brush things under the rug" (quote from my S). Some realize they can't do this, some may get away with this but I think it is harder for the M to heal.
By the way the only reason my WH figured out he reallly had to be honest about everything (with me and himself) is becuase I kept bugging him about it (hopefully not in a LB way but sometimes.....). IC was very important for my H in this. IC might be great for your wife--especially if she is also wrestling with the loss of her mother.

Good luck to you
Gillian, BS
WH, 38
married 11 yrs
d-day 1 12/18/03 (for PA 11/1/03-12/18/03)
d-day 2 7/7/04 (details of PA and EA 1996-??)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You said you knew getting over this was going to be a private battle that you would have to do by yourself.

Did MC help at all to increase communication between you both.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We had a terrible MC. We got frustrated and quit. I focused on doing everything I had to do to help my wife feel secure about our marriage. I stuffed all my own feelings inside because it was apparent that it was unfair of me to ask her to work through my withdrawal with me. I tried it on my own. 18 months later, I ended up in IC. If I had it to go over again, I would've started IC immediately.

You seem very open to helping your wife work through any feelings of withdrawal. Does she know this? Does she believe this about you? My wife was an emotional wreck...sharing my withdrawal pain with her just seemed like I was adding insult to injury, so I avoided it.

Low

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You said you knew getting over this was going to be a private battle that you would have to do by yourself.

Did MC help at all to increase communication between you both.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We had a terrible MC. We got frustrated and quit. I focused on doing everything I had to do to help my wife feel secure about our marriage. I stuffed all my own feelings inside because it was apparent that it was unfair of me to ask her to work through my withdrawal with me. I tried it on my own. 18 months later, I ended up in IC. If I had it to go over again, I would've started IC immediately.

You seem very open to helping your wife work through any feelings of withdrawal. Does she know this? Does she believe this about you? My wife was an emotional wreck...sharing my withdrawal pain with her just seemed like I was adding insult to injury, so I avoided it.

Low

Low, (may I call you Low?)

I really don't think she is going through withdrawal. When she did talk about him, it was more derogatory. I did a thread on this..made him sound nerdy. (Again maybe for my benefit)

Her mother is all consuming right now.

Bad MC is sure a bad way to start!
k