When you were having the A were you looking for something that you thought you didn't have? and when it was over did you realize that what you were looking for you already had? and one more,did it cause so much guilt on your part that you thought the BS would be better off without you even tho you could see they still loved you?
These are some questions that eat at me everyday,just thought any insight would be helpful. Thanks

When I was in the middle of my A (EA) one thing that XOM did was compliment me frequently. He had something nice to say about my clothes, hair, eyes, on what I was doing/had done with my life (XOM was old HS BF), etc. That was something that my DH, after then 18 years,had not done in a long time. In fact, DH is mostly a non-communicative type person. He doesn't offer lots of compliments as a general rule. So, that was one thing I was attracted to in the XOM.

As for the guilt, now we are 2 years past this episode, and I still feel the guilt. I will probably always feel the guilt, but now, it's not on a daily basis as it used to be. In some aspects, I have forgiven myself, and my DH says he has forgiven me, but there are days when I sit and wonder why I have been forgiven, and then I brood over what my choices at the time almost cost me. Yes, I have often thought the DH would be better off without me, but I have often felt like that during our now 20 years of marriage. And there are days when I feel like his forgiveness can be withdrawn at any time and he will ask me to leave. In a sense, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. It all goes back into that forgiveness thing. I don't take things at face value very well, most of the time I stress about underlying or hidden meanings and feel like I am gonna come out on the bad end of things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When you were having the A were you looking for something that you thought you didn't have? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. I was looking for SF, admiration, and affection. I had tried to express my unhappiness to my wife, but she was convinced she was meeting all of these needs and that I must have some other "problem". She admits that the affair "opened her eyes". Not the way I would've preferred it happen, but at least it did.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> when it was over did you realize that what you were looking for you already had? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No. If fact, I was quite sure that we didn't have it. BUT...I stayed because I believed we COULD have what was missing if we were both willing to recognize the problems and work together to overcome them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> did it cause so much guilt on your part that you thought the BS would be better off without you even tho you could see they still loved you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes I would see the pain I put my wife through and my overwhelming desire was to somehow stop it. Sometimes I would think exactly what you said. Maybe she would hurt less if I left. It's a faulty thought process because we know our spouses would hurt terribly if we left.

Are you the BS or FWS?

Low

low's answers could of pretty much been mine. but replace admiration with companionship in the list of ENs wanted but felt missing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was quite sure that we didn't have it. BUT...I stayed because I believed we COULD have what was missing if we were both willing to recognize the problems and work together to overcome them.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">enthusiastic ditto here.

shopsalone is a BS whose WS is believed to be in NC but not wanting to come home.

shopsalone, how old are you both and do you have kids?

my prayers to you. May God ease your pain and help your H find his way home to you.

When you were having the A were you looking for something that you thought you didn't have?

Yes. What's really weird, is that in hindsight, and learning all about EN's...I look back, and realize how few needs x-om was meeting. There were many times I thought during the A, what a total, thoughtless jerk he was. So unlike my H. Yet for those couple EN's he was filling, that I'd been missing, I hung on.

and when it was over did you realize that what you were looking for you already had?

No. Not at first anyway. I was so thankful my H forgave me, but I didn't initially have high hopes that things would change in our M so drastically. I did the "fake it till you make it", doing loving things for him, etc.. He reciprocated, I reciprocated back, and thus started the cycle of beginning to meet each other's needs. The things I felt I'd been missing out on, came back. The BIG thing is--my H could've, and gladly would've met those needs all along! Stupid me had never really communicated to him what I needed and wanted.

and one more,did it cause so much guilt on your part that you thought the BS would be better off without you even tho you could see they still loved you?

Yes. 16 months past D-day, I still struggle with that. I still think he'd be better off without me, or maybe I should say...he deserves better? He doesn't deserve what I've put him through, and the sacrifices have been great on his part. Yet, on the other hand, I know he had choices, and he chose me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes I am the BS and my WH is not living at home. This hurts me so badly that I sometimes don't think I can stand another day. I asked these questions because he has said that I deserved better than him.That maybe it would end up in a Divorce.He said he would take his meds. like he is suppose to and seek counceling before he made up his mind that he didn't want anymore regrets. I try so HARD to hold on and let him find his way but it is so terribly hard and painfull. He says he loves me and always will. How can you think you want a D when you say you love the BS? I feel like when he sees me it is only a reminder of what he has done and that he thinks that I would be better off without him. This is killing me and I want to make our marriage work but I feel so helpless and unhopefull at this point. Is he in "the fog" or am I? Is there signs that I need to be looking out for that will show me that he really does want a D? If anyone can help me please do, you all are all I have. As for us we have been married 22years and we are both 41. We have 2 D's. One at home and one on her own. Please talk to me out there I am my own worst enemy right now at least my mind is.

Seeing your post...remind me so much of ME so i had to respond.

You said you tried to hold on...Dont...you have been holding on for months and nothing works. Let him go if he wants to go and work on yourself.

I do not mean literally divorcing him but ACT or PRETEND as if you are ready to move on with or without him.

My WH wanted his freedom and i let him go. I never could have if i have not done plan B...it gave me the strength. Yes...we are also in the fog...the fog that is afraid to let go.

U need to let him feel as if you are living fine without him...then he will start to notice...now he has this impression that you will be waiting there for him forever.

It is going to be tough to act this way unless you have been through it all...read orchid's BS stages.

Take care

This is a good post, I have to say LowOrbit and I felt/feel exactly the same about A -

When you were having the A were you looking for something that you thought you didn't have
I felt none of my needs were being met, when I tried to talk to my H he would not discuss with me, told me I knew what he was like when I married him - OM filled the SF, affection, conversation

when it was over did you realize that what you were looking for you already had? No, I knew the M I had I didn't want to continue in - we agreed to try and make it work, went into MC, bought HNHN, and other relationship books and are trying to rebuild

did it cause so much guilt on your part that you thought the BS would be better off without you even tho you could see they still loved you?
I did have alot of guilt and I thought my H would be better off without me because I thought
once the A was exposed there had been so much damage - we both had made so many mistakes it would be impossible to save our M and I wasn't sure at the time I wanted to try, I had been hurt so much (verbal abuse) and I hurt him with the A,


Sandy

<small>[ September 11, 2004, 05:44 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>