Yesterday I found out that a very close friend of H still talks with and hangs out with OW. I've never liked this friend because he too is also a cheater & I believe he is a bad influence on H. I've asked H to please cut this friend out of his life, but he refuses. I'm VERY VERY VERY uncomfortable having this new info about OW & friend still in contact. H told me that he asked his friend to not speak to him about OW and there is no chance of C. We are still in Plan A, so my ? is:
Is there anything I can do to get this "friend" out of our lives without LBing?

Question - You say you are in Plan A, does that mean the A is not over? Plan A is a way to end an A not build a marriage. If the A is over and you are in recovery, Plan A is not the way to go. If your H is committed to rebuilding and working on your R then he will just have to give up this friend. This is the consequence of his actions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Question - You say you are in Plan A, does that mean the A is not over? Plan A is a way to end an A not build a marriage. If the A is over and you are in recovery, Plan A is not the way to go. If your H is committed to rebuilding and working on your R then he will just have to give up this friend. This is the consequence of his actions.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uh-oh! Maybe I'm not understanding Plan A. I've read as much as I could, but maybe I'm doing it wrong. When you ask is the A over, what exactly does that mean? H and OW are not in C because they have been exposed. OW claims she hates H for exposing A. H says he loves and cares for OW and would do anything to be with her. The A is over in the sense they don't see each other anymore, but he is not yet commited to rebuilding our M. He's still deciding if he wants to be married to me or not. So, I thought I was in Plan A to try and convince him to stay and work on the M. If I'm doing this wrong PLEASE someone help me and tell me the right way to go about this. Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Question - You say you are in Plan A, does that mean the A is not over? Plan A is a way to end an A not build a marriage. If the A is over and you are in recovery, Plan A is not the way to go. If your H is committed to rebuilding and working on your R then he will just have to give up this friend. This is the consequence of his actions.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uh-oh! Maybe I'm not understanding Plan A. I've read as much as I could, but maybe I'm doing it wrong. When you ask is the A over, what exactly does that mean? H and OW are not in C because they have been exposed. OW claims she hates H for exposing A. H says he loves and cares for OW and would do anything to be with her. The A is over in the sense they don't see each other anymore, but he is not yet commited to rebuilding our M. He's still deciding if he wants to be married to me or not. So, I thought I was in Plan A to try and convince him to stay and work on the M. If I'm doing this wrong PLEASE someone help me and tell me the right way to go about this. Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

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My understanding would be that you would still be in Plan A since your H hasn't committed to working on your M.

The OW is your sister???? I tell you what, if that were my sister I would beat her like when we were young.!! The nerve!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Plan A has a lot to do with setting bounderies, which is very hard to do.

One of your bounderies may be that you will live with a committed H. Actually, I think that boundery applies to all of us but in my case my H committed to the M on DDay in fear of what I was going to do to these OW. Whatever his reasoning back then, we are doing great 4-1/2 months later

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The OW is your sister???? I tell you what, if that were my sister I would beat her like when we were young.!! The nerve!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I had had the oppurtunity to beat her to a bloody pulp, but at the time of Dday I was 7 months pregnant & I would have been risking my and baby's health. I hate her like I have never hated anyone in my life! I try to be a good Christian, but that is one sinner I do hate. I hate her and her sins.

Thank you for replying. I'd still like some more advice, but nobody seems to be responding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'll bump this up for you.

Did you expose their A to family and friends?

Yesterday I found out that a very close friend of H still talks with and hangs out with OW

One of my H's bounderies is that he will not be controlled whom he speaks with. I have come to terms with his boundery. After a lot of thinking about it I looked at it this way.

While growing up your parents tell you what to do, what to wear, and who you can hang out with and talk to. You long for the freedom to make your own choices as an adult. Then you become an adult, and now you have a spouse who tries to do the same. THis builds definate resentment.

I know, I for years would rag on my H for how he dressed, and if his friends were not of my taste I would rag on him for talking to them. This built a lot of resentment and was one reason he had the A. I would not tolerate it if my H tried to control me. I'm an adult, so why should I treat my H any different?

I've given my H control to lead his life and he seems SO much happier now. The one person I won't tolerate is if he talks to OW and we've agreed to that. He does talk to OW's close friend on occasion though. Does it bother me?? Not really.

You can't control the other person. You can only provide a loving, inviting environment that they want to be in. That's what I did and my H is very happy here.

You, having small children and a newborn have SO MUCH on your plate. I hope you have family that can watch the kids so you can have time to yourself. You are going to burn out and unintentionally it will be taken out on the children. I saw me doing this, and didn't realize I had been doing it for a while.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did you expose their A to family and friends?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We both exposed the A to just about everyone! It was a good thing, cause now everyone has their eye on my H to make sure he never does this again.

Thanks for your replies. At first when I read your reply I wanted to say back "How can I treat my H like an adult when he doesn't act like one". But, I realized that that statement is childish itself. Thank you for your insight. I do need to start treating him like an adult, so he can begin to act like an adult.

lcg - Your post made me think about something similar in my situation so I posted a more general question under "Enabling friends" If responses slow down here maybe we'll both get an answer there.

Best wishes to you. Stay strong and stay in control.
-solo