I guess I'm an "old timer", although my life is still quite disasterous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dday #1 20 mos, #2 10 mos, I'm the BS, my h had the long term (two year) EA/PA. Recovery , what recovery??? WH emotionally distant, ILYBNILWY, I feel like #2, feel like he's only here for the kids...really not good. He doesn't want to "talk", he goes to work, does "his" thing, wants me to do my "thing" without him, and barely comes near me.

Ouch.

It all seems pretty hopeless. He says NC, but I think he feels "entitled" to his A. I feel that he blames me for neglecting him prior in the M, and that this situation developed and now...well as long as he keeps up his end with the kids and the bills, I'm non existant. That is how I feel.
And he says NC but I have a hard time believing it.

Kind of has this attitude, "this is all you are getting, too bad". Yes, very childlike. The last thing I want is to divorce, we have 4 children and I don't want them to go through that.

I'm at a loss. I think about divorcing alot. And just being free from this. I know I wasn't the perfect wife, but I was raising our children, by myself while he worked all the time. And I was suffering from undiagnosed Graves disease for a couple of years . I was physically mentally a wreck (3 kids in 4 years!!!). I know that. But I feel like, my illness to him is just an excuse for not seeing to his every need. He doesn't "buy it" that I was actually sick. Still battling it, though it is under control, but I've been on meds for 4 years.

I know the MB plan. I get it. I don't LB. I try to give him space. I'm trying to meet his needs. HE DOESN"T SEEM INTERESTED IN ME. As long as I don't "rock the boat", he comes and goes and is in a reasonable mood towards me. No intimacy, no desire to make me feel loved. AGain, this is how I feel. He'll hug and kiss the kids goodbye when leaving for work and look at me and say , "have a good day" from across the room. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Yeah I expect MORE than that. But if I say anything, it's "Don't start" and he bolts.

Please someone help. I don't want to sound like a whiner or a quitter. I just don't think his treatment of me is right. ANy input? Sometimes I truly am in a whirlwind of "am I crazy and expecting too much or is this just not good???"

Thank you so much.

It sounds like such hard work for you. In fact, it is one of my biggest fears - feeling like you do 2 years down the line. Would I feel like I should have just gone on discovery. I have no great words of wisdom for you but we have to soul-search and see if this is really all we have to look forward to. If they can betray you and then not even try to make it up to you, it is not really recovery, is it?

Hi Tummytuck, thanks for replying.

No, it doesn't much "feel" like recovery. I do think/wish my h was capable of "loving" me. But, it seems he isn't. Or won't. Either way, it isn't what I want. Hard place to be.


It's as if the decision is all on me, if I tell him to leave, well it isn't his "fault" is it? And if I don't tell him to leave, this is all I should expect. SUCKS.

The positive is that I've had almost 2 years to process this. I'm not the emotional wreck I was. I'll be OK. I'm grateful for my children. And I'll enjoy them. Life will go on. And hopefully we will all heal.

He WILL come crashing down. I know he loves me. I do. That's why I've held on. But for whatever reason, he just cannot move forward with me. This whole situation is so against who he USED to be, that I think he has to believe in it (the A) to rationalize/justify what he's done.

Of course those are my thoughts. Maybe he truly fell in love with the ow. Maybe they are better together. Maybe I should just accept that. I know it is a "wrong" situation, but I am not him or her. Maybe he was able to do all the things he's done for that reason.

That's where my confusion lies. I just wish I knew which path to go down. I don't want my kids to hurt. It isn't even about me anymore.

I know I sound pathetic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It is that BS catch 22 .

As for you, I'd say (and just my 2cents) you have to give it time. You won't know how it is all going to pan out, until it does. And it isn't going to occur overnight. And if you find yourself in my shoes, well, you'll have been thinking about D for a while and you won't be in shock about it anymore.

It is like when this horrible situation occurs, like an accident, and you just cannot believe this has happened. And then slowly overtime it becomes your reality. It has happened. It is real. And you deal. And it is part of your existence. Though you never thought it would be, and you don't know how you came through it. Day by day you do. And finally after time, unbelievably the horror of it starts to slowly fade.

Anyway, good luck to you. Anything is possible..have faith.

Your words could be mine. EXACTLY!

Weezy, I'm sorry you're so sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I suspect as your WH behaviour is still so negative there must AT LEAST be contact between him and OP, or possibly the A is still active.

Did you expose the A to the OPs significant folks ?
And no, you deserve much better than the treatment you are getting.
All blessings

Weezy,

Your boy (i.e. immature male type) sounds like he is pissed you found out and spoiled his fun! Now he is taking it out on you. Was he like that before Dday? He goes out of his way to make you suffer? Any MC? (his attitude I would think not)

Would you have more peace of mind with just you and the kids in the house? A lot less stress? Maybe there is a reason you think of the big D all the time. What do the kids see? Are they seeing an example of a loving relationship between their mom and pop?

You didn't mention any thing about love. How much you love him,..or do you?

If you said you wanted a D, what would he say? I think the problem is..you have no "hammer". Nothing from which to negotiate. You are at his mercy, and he knows and feels it, so he can treat you anyway he wants.

And why the hell does he want to treat you this way!!!??

Sorry, I'm in a pissy mood tonight.

Oh, by the way, I HAVE GRAVES TOO! AND I'M A GUY! I lost 30 pounds, was shaking like a leave, my heart was palpitating every other minute. I would get disorientated easily...get lost when I was driving, etc. I am taking 1/2 pill of tapisol now and am waiting for it to burn itself out.

I was undiagnosed for maybe 6 months. Thought I had cancer or something!! Thought I was gonna die!!

But you going undiagnosed for 2 years chasing 4 kids around the house, my GOD woman,...and you are still alive??

You sound like a very strong and stable woman. You don't deserve this treatment. Maybe its time to stand up. Could it be worse?

Stay strong and don't let him get you down!!

k

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by krusht:
<strong>What do the kids see? Are they seeing an example of a loving relationship between their mom and pop?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Weezy,

I have to agree with Krusht on this. The other day in an episode of "Seventh Heaven" there was this guy that was bossing his fiancee around, always telling her what to do and what "a woman's place" is. Why? Because that's what his dad did to his mom. And the mom was waiting for the son to get married to get a D, she just stuck it out for her son. But all the while she was giving him the bad example of "agreeing" with his father's behavior.
The same thing happened to me, more or less, so I'm rather touchy when it comes to parents "staying together for the kids". I think that can work if you really have a good friendship going, but that's rarely the case. Kids FEEL it when you're faking your smiles.

You shouldn't put up with being treated like this. Plan A for too long backfires on you, it makes the WS think they can get away with anything, you're "agreeing" to it anyway.
What do you have to lose by taking a stand here?
Try to figure out what the possibilities are (financially etc) if you should get a D. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for it. Make yourself strong so you can accept whatever happens and your H can't blackmail you any more.

Then (gently!!!) ask your H, after you have made sure the kids are not going to interrupt and you're both in a quit space...
Do not show any strong emotions. If you start getting emotional, then say you'd rather continue this conversation another time...

"Dear..., for these last 2 years I have noticed you are not happy. And I'm not happy either. I don't want to go on like this for the rest of our lives. I would like us to work together to make this M work, to really be man and wife. I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy."

If he gives you the "Hey, don't bring that up again, you know I'm here for the kids.." blah blah.. then simply repeat what you said.

"I understand what you are saying. But I don't want to go on like this. I think we could have a much better M than this. I love you. I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy too."

Be very attentive to his answers. If he keeps avoiding the issue and doesn't ackowledge your question "I don't want to go on like this, will you start working with me to make this M work?" then (gently, unemotionally!!) keep repeating what you said until he hears you.

You know about LB's so avoid them at all cost. If you threaten him he'll back off. Boy, he sure sounds like a big conflict avoider. So you'll have to lure him in like a frightened deer - very, very gently, without any sudden movements <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

You should only say those things if you really mean them, of course! Maybe there are other issues you haven't mentioned, and maybe there are reasons why you'd rather hang on to this M the way it is than risking a D.

But you really, really have to do something to get out of this habit of "being happy with any scraps you get". I have been there & done that, I wouldn't advise it to anyone! Did you ever go to counseling for yourself?

((((Weezy)))), take care of yourself honey!

(BTW as to your original question "did anyone feel like this and what did you do about it" - I divorced the guy because I didn't have any tools to work on myself or the M at that time, and he was killing me slowly with his selfish demands, even though no A was involved.)

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 02:11 AM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

No great words of advice. Just wanted to say I know how you feel. I am in the same boat as you. My W shows me no affection is not receptive to any from me and is in fact reading a book about divorce. This is all about 6 months after Dday. I also wish she would wake up and hopefully she will. Anyway listen to what others have told you and truly search deep within yourself to see what you want.

sorry wrong place

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 04:18 AM: Message edited by: Coasterride ]</small>

Hi Weezy, I totally agree with Krusht and brownhair, don;t let this go on another day - it is not fair to you or your children. You deserve to be loved, it does not sound like your H is fulfilling any of your needs.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect, life is to short. Definately take brown hair's advice, you need to talk to your husband. Don't wait any longer, you need to know where you stand, why he is treating you this way and if there is any hope at all.

My personal opinion I would rather be alone and happy with my self respect then in a loveless M with someone who is not filling any of my needs.

Keep posting and let us know how you do
Sandy

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 06:27 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

Weezy - I get the same treatment from my WH - luckily we do not have kids together (him 2 from previous).

It's sad to be treated this way whether their are still in contact or not with OP. Yes, they do feel an entitlement to their A's. Mne feels it's none of my business - 10 years of M means nothing to him. I swear there are days that he actually HATES ME..Mine too has No Interest In Me but he is still in either an EA or PA maybe both - he typically has more than one woman going at a time.
My WH is more loving to the dog than me..He gives the dog a good morning and not me. He says as little as possible to me. I have exposed his A's but that hasn 't helped much either. He's gonna do what he wants and there is NOONE that can stop him..

I wish I had an answer for you - I just wanted to let you now that you are not alone many of us have S that we still love but right now we don't like them very much..HUGS to you....

Thank you all for your replies. I often wonder if my expectations are just too high but from your replies it seems they aren't. Like my sense of reality is totally off kilter. I don't give myself nearly enough credit for knowing exactly what the deal is. He's taking advantage of me. He knows it and I know it but we aren't saying it.

At dday 2, he finally "came clean". He broke through that exterior that he'd built up. And I saw the "real " him. THe him I love. He was apologetic. Told me he just wanted to take me in his arms. What happened to that person? He went back to his cold distant self.

Bob, our family knows about the A. Not our children. But parents and siblings. ow got d'd. her h found out by having them followed. he threatened to expose to me, gave my h one day to tell me. She's a big time liar, and nuts. H I believe completely "brainwashed" by her. Probably still is. Idiot.

Krusht, yup, I'm still "going". AND , let me add two of my kids have ADHD so I really struggled w/all of their behaviour issues prior to them getting diagnosed and medicated. And I've done it by MYSELF. H was always at work. And he said to me once, "Your not really sick", referring to the hyper/graves. Yup. my tsh was in the 800s (normal is 60-180). Endo said he NEVER saw such high numbers and couldn't believe I wasn't in a mental hospital. No I doubt my kids are seeing a loving relationship. H doesn't say he loves me. I stopped too. I 'm done. Sick of it all.


Thanks everyone else too. I know I have to stand up for myself. His latest is that he wants to go "fishing" for a day or two alone. Yeah right. I'm so angry with him. I wish he'd just leave. But he won't. He wants me to kick him out, so he can feel he was "right" all along and justify his a a little more. and he is pushing me to be mad. It is sick. No, I don't feel any love. I feel manipulated. Like he's taken lessons from his ow. she's a piece of work.

What about the kids? What do you tell a 10 y/o, and 7 1/2 y/o (twins) also we have a 2 y/o...but he's too young to understand. They love their dad. but this isn't right. No he wasn't like this before the A. He was a completely different person. Or at least I thought he was. I don't want to lie to my kids. That's his thing. Being a big liar.

Thanks all. Feeling pretty low. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I really understand the whole scenario you are facing. Our marriage has chronic health issues except that they belong to my WH. I feel it all got too much for him and instead of even attempting to deal with what was happening at home, he found a sympathetic ear and it turned into an affair. I also have a 13 yr old and 8 year old twins. They really deserve better. He was BRILLIANT when they were babies. I think this is a man that needs to be needed (does that make sense). I'm quite independent and the kids are all into their friends. Always try and do a family thing on Sundays. He was also a quiet, reserved kind of man but never the selfish pig he's turned into now. I started a new job more than two years ago. I'm still waiting for him to ask me "how was your day". Think it will be a long wait!