I have been away for a few months because I just couldn't spend more time than absolutely necessary dealing with the affair. I am burnt out and it is so hard to read of others' pain and try to deal with my own.

WH has been home, but still seeing OW. OW has been calling our home constantly, yelling names at me over the phone, and parks in front of our house until WH and I come home. WH doesn't think he can control her behavior. I can't block her phone number because it is a cell phone. I may end up changing the phone number. I have threatened to get a restraining order.

Despite all the problems, I felt things were getting better between us. WH wanted to move three hours away at the beginning of next year and I thought it was a good choice for both of us. He wouldn't go NC but did tell me a few days ago that he hadn't seen her in a while.

On Monday night he left me a message that he was going to OW's house. I was devastated. Then yesterday was the anniversary of D-day. I told WH that I needed to talk with him about our situation. He ended up going back to OW's for the evening and called me from her house to say he was there. He came home at 1:30am and told me he is moving out at the end of the month to his own apartment. I told hime that if he stays until the end of the month then we need an agreement on his NC with OW. He is telling me that he is in love with her and our marriage is over.

I am so hurt again. I guess this is my opportunity to go back to plan B, but I don't want to be without him. I just want this affair to end so we can have our lives back. It has been a year now and I thought that once I reached this date that I would know what to do. But I still don't. I don't have any more answers than any other time in his whole ordeal. I thought that the affair would be over by now. If any marriage had hopes for recovery, I thought it was ours. I am an emotional wreck at this turn of events.

This is all I can write for now. I am feeling too overwhelmed so I'll continue later.

firefly

firefly, I don't have any words of wisdom here, but just wanted to let you know that I heard what you said and I'm sorry you're in this position now. It is so difficult when someone dashes our hopes and dreams and we have no control over it.

I'm starting to think that a stipulation for a marriage license should require a marriage class at four years. Seems likes so much of this happens at 4/5 years and research seems to back that up pretty good.

((hugs)) to you.

Firefly -

I know you don't want to go to Plan B, but this is crazy. You need to get yourself out of the triangle.

Your WH is making no changes because he doesn't have to.

Dear Firefly,

this must be so awful for you. Is there anyone you can go to? That knows about your situation? Family, or good friends? You really shouldn't be processing this alone.

Have you had any counseling? Maybe you should talk to Dr. Harley regarding plan B etc.

I seems to me you need all the support you can get know.

(((Firefly)))

Firefly -
It seems you have posted this a few times today -I noticed a couple that had zero responses and another one with one response.

Here's MY response.
PLAN B!!
Easy to say, hard to do, and in fact I never had to do Plan B. However, you need to. Your H is in situation now where he is able to continue contact, and continue the affair - even if he says they hadn't made contact in a while, the possibility is there, the door is open.

You must close that door. This will at least protect YOU and your self-esteem, and your own integrity. Plan B will open the door for YOU to find yourself again and preserve whatever positive feelings are left for your H and your marriage while the healing process is happening.
I think that moving in will OW will seal the fate of the affair - it will crumble. It sounds like OW has displayed behaviour that your H doesn't condone or feels he can control. The fairy-tale and fantasy of the A will be overridden by the reality of it. The green grass will shrivel up and go brown.

Plan B. Re-read Surviving an Affair (if you haven't read it already - read it). Use the support of the Board here in implementing Plan B.

If he's home - no contact - if he can't then he should find a hotel or a friend until the end of the month.

Go for plan B...its way over due for you.

When i started plan D, i thought no point in continuing with plan B...but all the contact with WH put me back into that dark dark pit and gives me that constant nagging thought of leaving or staying...after 1 month...i decided to go back into plan B again...i feel so much peaceful with plan B

If you cannot decide and at the same time cannot continue with the agony of seeing the A rubbing into your face...go for a separation...take care

firefly73,


When it is an oopsh ... you forgave them and work it out.

When it is an intentional hurt to inflict you ... you need to protect yourself and go to PLAN B. At this point he knows well what he did to you and he choose to do it again to you.

If you can't ... find out why you are in BS's fog ? ... Chase down every justifications you give to yourself to prevent you to go to plan B. Why the bread crumb is enough for you ? why you would aloow it someone else do it to you ? ... and please don't use LOVE to justify it.

"Pain is given, misery is optional"

-rh-

Firefly73,

Sorry for your H's the backslide. Actually he probably has been in contact with the OW all along. She got a bit possessive and the reason for the drive by sightings.

So I recommend you file an RO against the OW. In addition to the calls and drive bys, she has even stolen a family heirloom and turned your H into a WS. I think the judge may find that interesting. Granting you the RO for 3 years c/b interesting since the WS seems confused.

It could go either way.... a risk you have to decide if you want to take but from the looks of things, he is going the way of who appears t/b the most threatening.

Protect your family and property.

JMHO,
L.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I didn't know I had multiple posts of this message, so I didn't mean to confuse anyone.

WH and I spoke last night. He wanted to stay in our home until he got his apartment at the end of the month and he would not go to NC with OW during that time because he wanted to build up his relationship with her (aparently she is mad at him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). I said no way if you want to have contact with her then you have to find a new place to live. I had him pack his bag and leave.

I have been in Plan B twice before and WH has returned twice before. I'll do it again, but I hated it before and I hate it now. I apologize for being in such a "victim" state of mind. I keep falling back into that feeling every time things get better then get worse again. Who am I kidding?...I have been in that state of mind since this horrible thing first started.

I guess I'll just wait and see what comes next. It is just so unfair that he loves this mean, jealous, vendictive woman more than me. I know the rational thought is why do I love a cheating, lying, dishonorable man? Good question! I suppose it is more about loving who he used to be rather than who he has become and I am having trouble giving up my dreams for children and a long, happy, loving marriage.

I turned 31 at the end of July. I wanted to be pregnant at this point. I guess I should feel fortunate that we don't have children to involve in this whole mess. But I think about how old I'll be if I divorce him and have to find someone else. My whole thirties may be gone by then. I'm having a pity party for myself. I should just be grateful that I am alive. But being alive and lonely is not fun. I'm just the type of person who enjoys life most when I have someone to share it with.

firefly

Firefly -

You did an excellent Plan A for a long, long time. Now it is time for Plan B. Let him go with OW. You need to save yourself from all of this pain.

He needs to get a good dose of OW. And by the way, he does not love her, he is just addicted.

Dear firefly:

I read your post today and -maybe- you do not want to hear this, but I will tell you straightforward what I think of your situation.

(MBfriends, please keep in mind, that firefly does not have children with her WH)

Firefly, you are wasting your time with your H. He says that your M is over. Take his word for it and MOVE ON. This man's behavior is outrageous. YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN WITH SOMEONE SO UNSTABLE. Do not get yourself deeper into trouble.

It has taken a year out of your life already. One year of unhappiness and pain. There is no point for you in continuing this. He wants to continue seeing OW, he wants to move out. Let him. This is not fog. He is unstable, unreliable, selfish. His marriage vows to you mean nothing to him.

Look at his behavior and ask yourself: Why would I love someone who continues to hurt me so deeply. You have tried for a year. That's enough.

Move on.

Sorry about your marriage state.

Just as an aside.
31 is the beginning of your 30's. Start seeing the glass half full.

Many women don't start thinking about having babies til around this age!

This is helpful. Thank you for your comments. You are telling me what I need to hear. I just need some strength to get through this.

firefly

firefly73,

So you kicked him out. Good for you. Williard Harley stated one should beleive in M (could be rebuild and makes it better) but noe should not put up with A.

Now let's see your reasoning ... BS's FOG ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I am having trouble giving up my dreams for children and a long, happy, loving marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think you would ever have it with this man ?. Right now you are not in-love with WH but you are still in-love with the FULFILLING M. That's good, you still beleive in M and there is such a thing as fulfilling M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I turned 31 at the end of July. I wanted to be pregnant at this point. I guess I should feel fortunate that we don't have children to involve in this whole mess. But I think about how old I'll be if I divorce him and have to find someone else. My whole thirties may be gone by then. I'm having a pity party for myself. I should just be grateful that I am alive. But being alive and lonely is not fun. I'm just the type of person who enjoys life most when I have someone to share it with.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you at match.com ? just kidding. You are young 31 and have no kid. Do you know how hard to find a date for single/divorced parent ?. Count your blessing. Just look around how many DV'ed MBers men that are available ?. Just look around match.com, there are many fish in the sea. You are a victim once by someone else but never let you be the victim of yourself !.

I was too feeling down and rejected, had a crushed self esteem. Even a ***** like WW didn't want me, who wants me ?. 40 yr., 2 kids and hostile exW. After my recovery, I found out that many would !, willing like to walk the isle again w/ me. I short change my self!. I now know how to protect my next R and I know how to achive a fullfiling R ... isn't that what everyone want ?. I could list a lot of pluses that my female freinds told me.

Give yourself a standard and list of amends that your WH has to give you, read "How A should end ?". Remember there is no reconsiliation w/o repentance. Give your self a time frame on plan B ... then filed.

-rh-

Well I made it through the first weekend of Plan B. I need to send Plan B letter #3 so I guess I'll start working on that today. He hasn't made any attempts to contact me so I feel more like he is plan B'ing me than me plan B'ing him.

Thanks redhat and others for your thoughts on being a victim. You are right. I need to toughen up. I am fortunate to not have to drag children through this. I do have trouble seeing what can be rather than what I am losing.

firefly

Ok, time for an update. I need some feedback on what direction to take.

First off I broke NC. WH called on Friday and asked if we could go to lunch together to discuss bills, cell phone, and his plans for moving 3 hours away. I shouldn't have, but I agreed (I accept the kick in the head from all of you.)

At lunch I was distant. WH tells me that he bought me a (used) cell phone to replace mine that does not work well. I asked where he got it and he said the cell phone store; I probed more and he said no, he bought it on ebay. [History: He had got a second phone line for OW and now she has a new plan so it wasn't being used. WH wants me to take over the phone line in my name or he'll lose his $175 deposit. He says he'll give me $100 and keep $75 if I take over the plan.] I'm skeptical of this phone and taking over a plan that he got for her. Yuck! However, I do need a new phone and plan. So I say I'll think about it.

Then WH tells me he is moving three hours away back to our previous town because he liked it better there. He is going without OW and has secured his two old jobs again (massage therapist and movie theatre manager). Basically, he is going back to his old life that he used to always complain about. He asks if I have been looking for jobs there and I said that I stopped when I couldn't get him to committ to marriage recovery and when he went to live with OW.

Then Monday comes. WH calls my line and I didn't know it was him (we work at the same place, but different offices). He asks if he can remain on our car insurance and my health care policies for now. (I hadn't mentioned taking him off, but had thought about it). I said that if he was wanted a divorce that it didn't make sense to continue together financially. He asks if I made a decision about the cell phone. I said that I don't want a phone she used to have; is this her phone? He says yes. I got mad and told him how insulted I was that he lied to me and tried to pass off the cell phone he bought for her (out of my money because he was unemployed at the time) and give it to me. He acts like I'm making a big deal of nothing. I am completely mad and upset and tell him so. He tells me that OW would be mad at him if she new he was speaking with me. I told him that I didn't care if OW would be mad at him, but I certainly was.

So then I calmed down enough and asked he was planning to move three hours away without OW then why wouldn't he end their relationship now and move back into our home to work on our marriage. He said he didn't see the sense in moving back to our home if he was moving away. I asked if he really wanted a relationship with OW or if she is just serving as a distraction and he said it is more of just a distraction. The call ended at that point.

This morning he leaves a message on my work phone that I should turn the heat on so the pipes don't freeze. (why should he even care?)

Thanks for making it through all of that. I know I shouldn't have broken NC. That has been my downfall each time in plan B. Some questions:

* I don't want her cell phone, but should I accept the offer to use the plan so that the $175 isn't lost?

* Do I go ahead and take him off the auto and health insurance or is it better to wait until/if there is a divorce? He would be willing to pay me his portion of it, but the reduced rates seems like he's getting the best of both worlds.

* I think that moving 3 hours away is one of the only ways he'll be able to end it with her if he does want to end it. Do you think that he actually will end it once he moves there? My thought is that he'll be alone with no friends and two jobs he really didn't like in the first place so it should be an eye opener to him.

Help!
firefly

bump

Firefly -

I think you should stay in Plan B. Also I would not want OW's phone. Get your own, and pick out your own plan.

Let WH worry about losing the $175. That is his problem. But I would keep him on your insurance until (if) you get divorced.