Hi, I am new here. I have been married for 8 years and have two children with my husband. He is in the military which means he is gone from home a lot.

The month before I found out I was pregnant with baby #1, I went to see my sister for the weekend. When I came back home, I found a used condom in my bedroom trashcan. My husband insisted that it was from him masterbating in the bedroom.

This has bothered me for years. I haven't brought it up since then because I don't know what to think. I don't really know of any men to ask if that is normal, to masterbate in a condom.

Ok that is episode one.

Episode two is two years ago. He went on deployment to another base and got drunk almost every night to the point where he would pass out in the town and whatnot. He went to bars all the time and partied it up while I was at home taking care of our child.

One day in a conversation he said causally I was so mad today at my boss that even Melissa asked me what was wrong. I said who is Melissa? He said a girl that works here. I was like oh ok. Then he proceeds to tell me that they have parties in his hotel room every night and she comes over and since it is not just HIS room he can not kick her out. He said he didn't tell me about her because he figured I might get upset. He said he had NO control over the situation and that I should not be mad about it.

I don't know, guys. Something just struck me as so out of it....

I know these two examples sound piddly and dumb compared to some that i have read. My heart bleeds for everyone here.

I guess I am just wondering what to do with these feelings? My husband has empathically denied EVER cheating on me the few times I have asked him.

Nevertheless, I always have a few nagging doubts in the back of my mind. Am I being stupid for hanging onto this stuff? How can I get rid of thinking about it?

Thanks to anyone who can provide me with any answers.

Michelle,
I am very alarmed about the things you have posted. I believe that your H has acted and is acting totally outside the limits of marriage! I will preface this advice with the fact that my H was a Marine Corps pilot. He had an affair while at an Air Force base with an Air Force wife whose H was deployed. It was common for him to come into his shared room and find a woman in bed with his roomate. (also married and our next door neighbor) this goes on in the military ALL THE TIME! Some will tell you not to worry because they can lose their jobs...not so. The Commanding Officer gave a speech before every deployment that "what goes on det, stays on det" It is happening from the top officers as well as everyone beneath them. (excuse the pun)

OK, back to your issues. I think the condom issue is wierd, but I'm not a guy. I think he would have been stupid to leave it in the trash, but whatever...

The issue of drinking excessively while out of town is the BIG RED FLAG in my opinion. He is setting himself up to get arrested, beat up, or contract an STD. Alcohol releases inhibitions and causes many people to do things they regret. Sadly, it does not seem that your H even regrets his actions. Not very honoring to your marriage... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Next issue, women in his hotel room. Totally unacceptable, no possible explaination that is going to make this ok. If he is drinking in town, he is drinking in mixed company in the hotel room also. His excuse of not having control of the situation is BS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He has total control and he has chosen to betray your trust.

Is he currently in the military? If so, I would go to his Commanding Officer and Chaplain and tell them what you know. At some point, you might find someone who agrees that this situation is wrong. Keep talking until you find someone, many will turn a deaf ear to it.

I suggest that if you have any idea of remaining married to your H, you will need to begin counseling and see if you can get him to understand the enormity of his actions. I would also get tested for STD's and demand that he be tested also before having any SF with him again.

He is taking advantage of this situation and whether or not he is actually having sex with anyone, his actions are deplorable!

You are NOT overreacting! bless you, ladysing

Welcome to Marriage Builders. It sounds to me as though your husband is having an affair based on the information that you have provided. Some additional information may be helpful though.

First, do you and your husband use condoms? If not, why would he have one on hand? Condoms usually come in packages of three, if it was a name brand condom that is. You may want to ask him where are the other two.

Second, it sounds as though he slipped up and mentioned Melissa to you. Perhaps he had had a few drinks when he made this slip?

Third, do you receive a lot of calls where the caller hangs up before saying anything? This is often a tactic that the other woman will use to contact a married man.

Fourth, does your husband have a cell phone? Do you receive an itemized bill which lists all of the calls? Wayaward spouses are frequently caught red handed by multiple calls discovered on their cell phone bills.

Finally, I was in the USAF and saw how many affairs took place in the military. Even though it violates the Uniform Code of Military Justice(UCMJ), adultery runs rampant in every branch of the service. I have seen too many wedding rings disappear when husbands and wives went away on temporary duty (TDY). Your post brought back many memories of the things that I saw and could have done, but chose not to.

Ask your husband to spend more time with you. Ask him to introduce you to the men and women that he works with. Tell him that you do not approve of him going out to bars unless you are with him. Snoop around a bit more and see if you can obtain some more conclusive evidence of an affair and then confront him. As I said before, adultery violates the UCMJ and can lead to an Article 15 or worse, so think long and hard before you contact his commanding officer.

Coast Guard experience here - ditto the others, sadly.
While we were apart last summer due to work reasons, my STBXWH (who was the classic church leadership good guy type since I knew him) drank himself silly, almost got booked for not showing up to work after passing out in someone's yard, went to the local strip club, had a 20 yr old co-worker pull her into her room in the barracks and strip her clothes off for him, etc...He also used "training" as a cover to visit the OW out of state.
The military just makes it so easy.
I'm not sure about the condom either. Don't guys supposedly dislike condoms, complaining of decreased sensation? I'd think he wouldn't use it unless he absolutely had to.

Ditto here. WH is army reservist and has had an A with each deployment.

The first time ALL I had was a nagging feeling that something was wrong. Almost a year later I found out that my suspicions had been correct. He NEVER would have told me had I not found out and in fact had denied it each time I talked with him about being suspicious.

He even said things like "How can you not trust me?", "You're just looking for something to be upset about.", and "Your going to cause problems in our marriage if you keep inventing things in your head."

I believe we should follow those gut instincts....you get them for a reason.

Something is wrong, even if it's just the drinking and partying. I know it's common in the military during deployment, but his actions are WAY outside of the boundaries for a married man.

I agree with the idea of going to counseling. You're not being stupid and the things you've mentioned are not piddly or dumb. Take this as an opportunity to renew your marriage. I'd do it as soon as possible. Before the next deployment.

In my situation, my WH first A was 8 years ago and was purely a PA. This last deployment he met a girl and has filed for D and is considering moving out of state to be with her. We never truly dealt with the issues earlier and both contributed to a marriage in which this was possible.

You have a right to know, if that is what you want. You have a chance to study the information here, whether on the infidelity board or one of the other forums, and create a better, affair proof marriage. If nothing happened, you will still have found the tools to a wonderful relationship. If it did, you will have found the tools to deal with it. You win, either way.