Hello Board.....Well I think my Plan A time has ran out. Although I was successful in getting WW to counsel independently with Steve H tomorrow morning, I'm tired and I feel my bank depleting rapidly.....

Please endulge me as I'm trying to shorten my posts but there is a question at the end......

I was "recharged" on Weds after C w/SH but a day later, I don't want to see WW. I've continued to Plan A as best I could. No LB's, no over-doing it, let WW know that what she is doing is hurting me. All has worked well...but......

For the last few days, I've been thinking "is this worth it?" I know deep in my heart that it is however, I have just as many thoughts like "I don't need this, if WW wants to figure herself out, then go do it! and quit showing up here at 0630 every morning and staying until 2200 (10:00 p.m.). Go do "whatever it is you think you need to do!"

Tonight was more of the same. I didn't bring up relationship talk - WW does! Says "I don't think we'll ever be the same or better". I said the same thing "I believe we can rebuild and have a better marriage".

Right before making dinner, I was on the patio and WW came out and we didn't say much to each other. I thought she may have something to say. We went in and I asked her "anything you want to talk about". WW says "I told you, I'm never telling you anything again. Look what happened last time. You talked to OM's mother".

I didn't say anything. As a matter of fact, I didn't say much at all the rest of the evening. Barely even looked at her. I know not to take stock in WW's words and the give without the expectation of anything in return, but damn I'm tired and pretty much don't to be around her.

Later WW tells me "I'm thinking about moving back home because of finances but I don't want to give you the wrong signals". I told her "that's probably not a good idea because I would rather you move back when you're ready to work on our relationship, our marriage and our family". I added "you're never even at the apartment". WW said "because I'll miss my DD". Not much else was said.

Mixed signals! How about the on again/off again hurt/confusion WW displays. I know WW's confused and I know there is a higher purpose. Like WW's nightly call to tell me she got in her apartment okay. It was short but I could sense emotion in her voice again. There's a mixed signal for ya!!!

Here's my delimma. WW says she has broken it off with OM. Checked her cell last night and no calls since Saturday. I don't know whether WW talks to OM at work. WW still maintains that "because of work, I can't help it if I talk/see him". I'm fairly confident she isn't seeing him because I know which stores she's working at.

Earlier tonight WW tells me during one of the conversations on the patio "I'm not seeing anyone". I do know that to be true because she has been here everyday and every night (at least until 10:00)!

Could this be her coming out of the fog and just too confused to admit that she made bad choices?? I ask that because WW also said tonight "how do I know I won't do this again in the future?" I answered in with MB principles without going into "education" mode.

I apologize for this being so long. I guess none of it matters considering we haven't moved forward and I'm tired of playing. I've executed an exceptional Plan A and I'm not sure how WW's C with SH will go. He's good and maybe I'll be recharged again. Not holding my breath and can't get my heart/soul/mind to stop thinking Plan B!

LS,
Hate to say this, but you can delete individual calls on the cell phones. If she makes them it will show up on the cell bill. If OM makes them, just shows how long the phone conversation was.

Sometimes I think I should change my sign on name to "CELLPHONEBILLINVESTIGATOR". May be too long.

She did say she may want to move back home. I take it that is your home she is talking about. Might be better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

No matter what the reason, may be a step forward.

Stay strong!

k

Krusht.....Funny, I knew that about cell phones! Didn't register until reading your post. As the "cellphonebillinvestigator", you'll be glad to know I set up an account online for WW's cell.....Got all the numbers, times, etc. Just got to wait until they post....

I agree with the "better than a sharp stick in the eye". I'm concerned about sweeping this under the rug and any underlying issues that go unresolved. I think that unless my WW has something knock her straight out of the fog, she'll never even look at His Needs/Her Needs and help us rebuild. Maybe I'm being pessimistic because of all of this. I read all the good things that happen with folks who have reconnected by using MB principles and tools. I'm not sure if I can pull this off without WW wanting to try as well.....

Thanks and I will be strong. Step forward? I'll tuck that one away. Seems I've got my head split into "possibilities" and "current realities"........LS

Withdrawal is hard for a BS. I was there for a few weeks at the beginning of my adventure. The WS is a pouting, sulking, surly drag to be around, and she makes you feel unloved. Gut check!

I'm sorry I don't have much other advice. Withdrawal - she is an addict missing and craving her fix.

GC

LS -

Don't give up now! You are getting so close to having a good marriage again. Give this some more time. And no, they aren't pleasant to be around when they are still "addicted".

LS,

Dude, your Dday was, like 2 months ago!

Way, way too early to be thinkin' "is this worth it" and "knockin her out of the fog"

You and she are still "processing your new reality"

And its not sweeping it under the rug...its taking small steps of moving forward, progressing to an agreement of reconcilliation, an agreement on anything!!

The "FOG" is a *****! Her withdrawal is a *****, plus humiliating for you. BUT IT IS WITHDRAWAL!! Which is a good thing. (Those **s started with a b and had a ch at the end)

Again, my friend, its only been 2 months. Seems like forever, I know, but do nothing rash!!

Keep on keepin on with Plan A. Hang in there.

Read our Enlish friend's, Bob Pure's threads about ENDURING plan A. I think we BS's must endure the crap and fog and misery we feel, and hopefully come out the other side as good or better.

Or at least come out knowing we have done our best.

k

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 01:55 AM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

Get a grip, sailor.

You're doing a good job and she's gonna talk to Steve.

Two months of Plan A - or twp more months - is not unreasonable.

Your goal with Steve ought to be to figure out how to get her into that appartment - THEN you go to Plan B. But she ain't going.

PTC

Patience, time, consistency.

WAT

sounds like your ahead of the game to me. My ww is acting like she is not even married. Im just an ATM to her. IT sounds like your in a better position and things are moving in a positive direction. Dont give up.....I know how you feel and i want to give up as well but i keep looking at the big picture.

LS,
You can hang in there a little longer, I know you can. I personally only went to Plan B because I didn't have the benefit of this website earlier enough. See my W's A was 2 years ago, then we got back together, and I went into something very similar to Plan A for a very long time, at least over a year. When I found MB it was AFTER I realized she had maintained contact with OM. So, I called this D-Day in MB terms, but hey I had been dealing with this sitch w/ OM for a few years! After learning MB Principles I tried to do a MB AUTHENTIC NO LB'S EVER/or as much as possible Plan A, and I did a good job for a month, but I had expended energy, suffered so much rejection over the previous almost year or 2 that I kept LB'ing. My W left twice following my MB Plan A and I was too tired emotional so she forced my hand into a Plan B.

I said all of that to reassure you that you can find some more gas in your tank. It's not easy, but there's some more gas somewhere maybe in the corners of your gas can yah know. You are going to have more sessions with Dr. Harley and he'll give you a gas card <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You come back here to vent and we'll give you free fill-ups <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Please don't jump into Plan B prematurely, its dangerous if you haven't Plan A'd long enough. Lets think positive as far as your W's session with Harley. I think your doing a great job giving the circumstances, no one is perfect. Hang in there ..
Lost Sailor </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Mixed signals! How about the on again/off again hurt/confusion WW displays. I know WW's confused and I know there is a higher purpose. Like WW's nightly call to tell me she got in her apartment okay. It was short but I could sense emotion in her voice again. There's a mixed signal for ya!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is all typical, try not to internalize it. The fog lifts, the fog sets, the fog lifts the fog sets. One minute my W was giving me B-Day gifts and thanking me for standing by here and never giving up on her, the next minute she was out the door, once again NOT knowing what she wanted to do. She left the day before the first day of school! A WS is very unpredictable, ESPECIALLY when they're going thru withdrawal. ACTIONS, not words and LORD knows the actions are flip-floppy enough, you can't put stock in words neither negative or positive, its too early to trust she means anything she says. You W is on her own rollercoaster and she doesn't even understand WHY. I know exactly what you're going thru, just come back and get it off you chest whenever you need to. I hope Harley can help you devise a plan to get your W home. I don't care if she just comes home for you D, this is acceptable because it's a starting point of her not just thinking about herself. I know it stings that she's not sure if she wants to work on the M or not, but that's what Plan A is for. Keep planting seeds, they will grow in time.

If you're new or lurking and happen to be reading this, this thread is why this board is so important, so helpful, so clear and so much a part of helping to make things right!!!

You guys ROCK!!! After reading just a couple responses last night, my tank seemed to be refilling. Here's why:

Graycloud: Withdrawal - she is an addict missing and craving her fix.

Believer: they aren't pleasant to be around when they are still "addicted".

Krusht : The "FOG" is a *****! Her withdrawal is a *****, plus humiliating for you. BUT IT IS WITHDRAWAL!! Which is a good thing.

WAT: Two months of Plan A - or twp more months -is not unreasonable. Get a grip! PTC - Patience, time, consistency.

JAH: Dont give up.....I know how you feel and i want to give up as well but i keep looking at the big picture.

FM: I don't care if she just comes home for you D, this is acceptable because it's a starting point of her not just thinking about herself. I know it stings that she's not sure if she wants to work on the M or not, but that's what Plan A is for. Keep planting seeds, they will grow in time.


The common theme is WITHDRAWAL and PATIENCE! I didn't recognize the withdrawal because the first experience was so dynamic and dramatic. I believe I overlooked the "big picture" and allowed that to overtake my thinking (both brain and heart) over the last couple days which culminated with my post.

I WILL continue with Plan A. I WILL continue to have patience and I WILL look at the big picture.

BTW WAT: I often say to myself "Ain't no freakin' way a 24yr old OM is going to settle down with a 42yr old WW who has a child....ain't no freakin' way!" (something from your earlier post to me)


Here's an update: WW did call me when she got into the apartment last night. WW did show up at 0630. WW was tired and I rubbed her head/shoulders and let her sleep some more. Said she was tired from sleeping at the apartment.

WW asked in a jovial manner "if there was a test after talking with Steve H". A minute later (more somber) "I'm not sure if I want to talk with Steve H". Flip flop, flip flop. End result....I took DD to school, went to the gym, WW called and C'd with Steve H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> WW called me immediately afterwards and I asked how it went, WW said essentially "he had some good points".

WW wasn't angry, upset. Actually, in a pretty upbeat mood. No worries, I'm not letting that go any further in my head - actions vice words are once again my driving force!!!


Thank you all for bringing my tank back up and for helping me see through my own "fog"........LS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Originally posted by lostsailor:
WW called and C'd with Steve H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> WW called me immediately afterwards and I asked how it went, WW said essentially "he had some good points".

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you have any idea how GREAT this is?? I

WhoooooPeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Do you have any idea what a brave and difficult thing your WW just did ?

This was a HUGE risk for her!!!! HUGE!

She took a step.... baby steps are better than running steps at this point, coz she's less likely to fall on her face with baby steps.

Celebrate !!

Do something unexpected.... buy a new CD and start dancing in the kitchen tonight.... but don't tell her why.... just celebrate.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pep....As usual, you're right! I didn't see the effort required for my WW to take that step. Sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees.

Your post made me smile and with the enthusiasm tossed at me, it really drove the point home.

I will take your advice and I will certainly include WW (w/o letting her know why)!

Thanks Pep.......LS