IM A 34 YR OLD MAN, CURRENTLY DEPLOYED TO IRAQ. I WAS TOLD ON JUL 9 2004, BY MY WIFE OF 15 YRS THAT SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. SHE OFFERED IT OUT OF THE BLUE. I COME TO FIND OUT OF THE PAST FEW MONTHS WHO HE IS, AND ACTUALLY TALKED TO HIM WHILE AT HOME ON MID TOUR LEAVE. I REALLY SURPRISED MYSELF AS TO HOW CONTROLLED I WAS ,CONSIDERING THE AMOUNT OF ANGER AND BETRAYAL I FELT. I WANTED HIM AS A MAN TO KNOW HOW HE HAD BETRAYED ME AS A MAN . I KNOW THAT I WASNT FILLING THREE OF MY WIFE ESSENTIAL NEEDS NOW. HE DID AND SHE FELL FOR HIM. HOW TO DEAL WITH ANGER TILL I CAN GET HOME AND HOPE TO GET CHANCE AT RECOCILING???

Dean,

Take out your anger on a few insurgents over there.

Just kidding...I feel for you knowing you are so far away and have no control over the situation.

Was your marriage in trouble before you were deployed? What kind of loyalty is she showing to her husband protecting his country. Boy, what is wrong with people these days?

DEAN BUTLER,

Welcome to MB, judging from your post you have learn about MB, that is good. You need to go through General Welcome and its related links.

Now about you. We appreciate you for going to serve in the FRONTLINE. Please talk to your chaplin, you need it.

About your question. You try to figure out the horse before the carriage. Don't even go there if there is no repentant. Where is your wife at ? where is A at ?. What do you think why the reason she told you ?.

-rh-

Welcome to marriagebuilders. First let me thank you for the American people for protecting our country. Let your friends know that we appreciate their efforts too.

Sadly OIF has caused many problems for families. So you are not alone. In fact my husband's other woman's husband was in Iraq when the affair started.

Get this, he was walking our dog, and OW was on her porch crying. He started out comforting her about her husband being in Iraq, and ended up having an affair with her.

I suspect something similar happened to your wife. So stick with us, and we will help you through this.

Is the other man married?

Welcome to MB DEAN. Looks like your CO has got you yelling everything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> j/k

Well let me tell you it really sucks to be BS (betrayed spouse) but what is even worse is to be a WS (wayward spouse). Although you probably can't even imagine this right now it is true. You will start in the darkest hole you have ever been in. But as you get better and you will get better, you will see your WS pass you on her way down. In a month you will feel better than you ever though you could. As another MBer told me once all A's (affairs)are the same. Learn about them and execute against that template. Knowledge is power!!! Read all you can on this website. Order the books "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs,Her Needs". And take care of yourself the best you can. Sorry you have to be here.

As for your question about dealing with your anger. What has helped me the most was busying myself with learning things on this website and in the books that I have recommended. I have also taken out a lot of frustration thru the many personal improvments that I am working on. We all have areas to improve on. I picked the ones that I though would impress my WW the most and help to satisfy her EN's. As you read things will start to fall into place and you will know better what to do. Hope some of this helps

C.

<small>[ September 17, 2004, 11:53 AM: Message edited by: shmaley ]</small>

Dean Buttler

Thank you sir for your sacrifice in the service of our country. May God protect you and the rest of our service men and women.

As a BS [betrayed spouse] myself I can tell you that what you are experiencing [the anger and resentment] is what all of us have experienced in our past with our WS [wayward spouses]. But if you feel that the anger is consuming you then I second redhat's advice to contact your chaplain and find out if there is counseling that specifically helps service men and women deal with the aftermath of their spouse's infidelity.

You are not alone, we are here for you.

One other thing from Peggy Vaughan [dearpeggy.com]:

"There's an old saying that applies in this kind of situation: "What we feed is what grows." So feeding the painful thoughts makes them hang in and maintain their strength. Refusing to feed them weakens them."

I hope this helps.

Welcome Dean,

I, too, want to thank you for "serving" this country on whatever soil that would be. Please keep your a$$ down and your eyes open. God bless you and your fellow men and women in uniform.

I am a BS and have been working on *our* M (marriage). There is alot of confusion, anger, resentment .... and frustration. I am fortunate that my FWH (former wayward husband) is working on our M as well. (We both post here). There is a lot you will learn from this site and your experience with an A (affair). There are some pretty amazing people here. They are smart, insightful, inspiring and they have "been there". (All you MBer's don't get swelled heads <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> it's true!!!). Stick around .. whether you actually post or just lurk (and learn).

(Saluting you) Thanks again ... and *we* are sorry for the "reason" you've come here and have to be "over there".

God bless
Brown

DB.....I'm sorry to see another service member here but I'm glad you found this site. I and a whole lot of folks have been exactly where you're at (well, not Iraq but in the emotional turmoil of an A)!

I used to wonder about the statement "in time you will feel better". I was close - close to the very edge of self destruction shortly after I found out. Within two weeks, I was on my uphill trend. I lurked, I read, I posted....I learned and now I have a plan and it's working!!

Keep busy, make sure you eat, exercise and as stated earlier - keep your [censored] down and your eyes open! Ask questions, answer questions and you'll soon have a path and a plan.

You are certainly not alone, there's alot of support here.....Be safe, shipmate.......LS

Dean,

Sorry to hear about this. As military we are under enough stress already and when this crap hits us it feels as there is too much to bear. Don't know what you religious background is but the deployed chaplain would be a good ear to bend.

Stay safe.

btw....J5???

God Bless

Doug

TO ELOBORATE ON SITUATION, THE OTHER MAN WAS,IS MARRIED; HE LEFT HIS WIFE IN JUN, HE COULDNT TAKE THE LACK OF AFFECTION SO HE SAYS. NO MATTER WHAT HE CHOSE TO LEAVE AND NOW HES IN MY LIFE BY WAY OF MYT WIFES BROTHER, YOU SEE THEY WERE BEST FRIENDS, MY BROTHER IN LAW ALLOWED HIM TO CRASH AT HIS HOUSE TILL HE GOT A PLACE TO LIVE. MEAN WHILE MY WIFE WAS GOING TO BROTHERIN LAWS FOR COMPANY WHILE I AM DEPLOYED. BAD MIX!! AT FIRST SHE TOOK OUR GIRLS WITH HER, ONE 14, ONE 10. GOD I LOVE THEM. THEN AS FEELINGS DEVELOPED SHE STOPPED . SHOULD HAVE BEEN SIGN TO MY BROTHE RIN LAW, HE DIDNT SEE OR PAY ATTENTION. THEY WERE OFF AND RUNNING. WHEN I GOT WORD OF IT, SHE AUTOMATICLLY TOLD ME AND ASKED FOR SEPARATION AT SAME TIME, IMAGINE THAT. IREALLY THINK SHE DID THIS TO BE ABLE TO JUSTIFY KEEPING IT GOING, I COULDNT SAY THAT SHE WAS SNEEKING. SHE NOW FEELS ALL THE PAIN FROM HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS DISSAPPOINTMENT. SHE SAYS THAT SHE LOVES ME, AND DEEP DOWN SHE DOES, IN WHAT WAY SHE REALLY DONT KNOW. MY PROBLEM IS, IM HERE AND THEIR ENJOYING ALL THE TIME THEY WANT TOGETHER WITH NO DISTRACTION FROM ME. I VE READ THE DR,S BOOK, SURVIVING AN AFFAIR, FELT AS IF IT WAS ME I GUESS THATS THE NORM. GREAT ADVICE I ORDERED HER ONE AND SENT IT RIGHT AWAY, I ONLY HOPOE SHE READS. I KNOW SHELL MAKE THE CONNECTION, BUT THERESNO WAY SHELL PUSH HIM OUT OF LIFE NOW. MAYBE WHEN I GET HOME, BUT HE MEANS TO MUCH TO HER LIFE NOW. I DONT THINK THEIR INTIMATE YET, BUT I MAY BE THE FOOL, SHE'LL NEVER TELL, BUT I M SURE ITS COMING. BAD ENOUGH ANOTHER MANS TOUCHING MY WIFE. IM READY TO START PROCESS OF FIXING, I CAN FORGIVE HER, I KNOW WHAT NEEDS THAT I WASNT FILLING, I JUST NEED SIGN FROM HER THAT SHE WANTS THE SAME. HOW DO I GET HER TO GIVE INDICATION OF DESIRE TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE, OR DO I JUST NEED TO PREPARE FOR THE WORST NOW. THANKS FOR ALL THE RESPONSES, MY UNIT HOPES TO BE BACK HOME BY FEB., STILL LONG TIME TO GO WITH THIS IN HEART AND MIND.

DB


I take it from you description that your brother in law doesn't approve of what is going on.

Is OM still living/crashing with him?

HOW DO I GET HER TO GIVE INDICATION OF DESIRE TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE

That's the tough part because she has to want or at least be willing to do this. You can let her know where you stand in regards to the marriage but you can't really make her do anything. You could point here here (MB).

I'm guessing if this has been going on a while your daughters have some idea as to what is happening. Are you able to talk to them? Have they mentioned anything about OM?

Could one of the JTF's have VTC's for morale purposes? If so you might be able to arrange something so you could see your daughters.

I know there are a million things running through your head and you feel helpless with what is going on with your wife but short of keeping yourself safe your daughters are the most important thing. Let them know daddy loves them and their mom and misses them greatly.

The weekends get a little slow around here so the posts might not come so quick.

Stay safe and God Bless

Doug