Hello,

My husband and I have been married 14 years and have 3 young children. It's been two and a half weeks since I discovered that in the past year my husband has started drinking, visiting strip clubs, had sex with a prostitute, and e-mailed another about meeting. All of this was done while on business travel, which he does a lot of.

He has been very remorseful and has begun seeing a Christian counsellor. We have been very close in the last couple of weeks and have been working through the pain together. He has allowed me to look at all his IM conversations, e-mails, etc. and willingly answered any questions I asked. He has promised to never do any of this again. I am quite certain that all of this started only in the last year when he began travelling and dealing with sales people, and that he was faithful for the previous 13 years.

My question is should I believe and trust that this will never happen or should I "spy" on him, such as putting spyware on the computer, vigilantly checking credit card and cell phone bills, etc. I really don't think that he will do any of this again, but then again, I never thought he would do something like this in the first place.

Trust will take a long time to rebuild. Will I help or hinder the process by "spying" on him?

Usually if you have to ask then you are not ready to trust him yet. He destroyed that trust and just because he is sorry that does not mean the trust is back. He is definately taking the right steps to rebuild the trust but you have every reason to be cautious right now. If he is serious about rebuilding your relationship he will understand why you don't trust him and why the checking on him is necessary. He should be a willing participant in this. If he's not then maybe he has something to hide.

Dear ShockedandCrushed,

Sorry you're here. But you're definitely in the right place to get a different perspective, a little sage advice, and reassurance that you're not crazy!

I think our WS (wayward spouses) have shown that they can't be trusted and therefore we can't trust them. Only you can make the decision on how much checking on him you want to do. Some of us check cell phones, credit cards, etc., and others even hire a private investigator. Do whatever makes you the most comfortable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really don't think that he will do any of this again, but then again, I never thought he would do something like this in the first place.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our Hs are not the men we thought they were! But I don't think that means they're bad men. Just men with a sickness and who have made a TERRIBLE mistake.

My H is an alcoholic and met an opportunistic bar whore who took him for THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of dollars. My H had an EA/PA with this bar whore for over 6 years and squandered over $200,000. But we've been married for over 33 years and I've loved him since I was 16 years old. We're hoping that "love can conquer all".

Reading every book I could find helped me. Dr. Harley's are excellent and "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is eye-opening.

Good luck to you! You're in for the ride of your life.

brenda

S&C,

Trust is funny.

Our MC asked if I trusted W while we were both there. I said "yes", thinking "what else can I do? Prove me wrong one time and it is so over!!"

W promised NC, she told me the one time the OM called, and there have been no phone calls to him in the last 3 months.

Every time I see a call to her that is longer than 5 minutes my heart starts pounding like it did on Dday, when I found the emails. (The phone bill does not show who it is from.)

Anyway...I think you can trust with you head, logically, but it takes time and much proof to trust with your heart.

It would not hurt to put the spy-ware on the computer. (He would never find out, if there was nothing to discover) There is also a voice activated recorder that is put in the car to record cell phone conversations.

I think it would help you, just showing there is nothing to worry about. Would not hinder anything, unless he discovered it and became upset. Sounds like he is open to showing you everything anyway.

Checking the phone bills is standard operating procedure, its so easy. Have you gone on line to check the past history. (That was a trip!!)

Sounds like you both are on the road to recovery. If he is totally remorseful, and going to MC and IC, and filling up your love bank then that is a good thing.

Why did he start in the first place?? Because he could?? Was he traveling with other long time philanderers that showed him the ropes? Was the marriage lacking? ENs not being met?

Good luck to you and welcome to MB

k

I made a mistake by extending trust too soon. When detailed phone bills stopped I didn't bother getting it changed. If I had the detailed phone bills I would have caught the next A lots sooner than I did. I could have kicked myself...I felt so stupid. All the other signs were there too.

I hope your H sticks with his renewed commitment to your marriage but I wouldn't just give blanket trust.

Harley says we shouldn't trust our spouses 100%.

Do what you need to do for as long as you need to do it to feel safe. Even then if they want to get away with something they can usually figure out a way if they try hard enough.

Since he started drinking that shows that he was already having a hard time with his guilt. He probably was relieved that he was found out.

S & C,,

There is an old "cold war" theme that is perfect for your situation.

TRUST BUT VERIFY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ShockedandCrushed:
<strong>
Trust will take a long time to rebuild. Will I help or hinder the process by "spying" on him? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Spying can only help your situation as long as it is handled discreetly. First off, you need to verify that he is being truthful in order to protect yourself. And secondly, if you can independently verify that he is being truthful [independent of his word, which is really not very trustworthy] it will go a LONG WAY in rebuilding your trust for him.

I would suggest doing some behind the scenes checking every once and a while until trust is restored.

I am a litle ahead of you, but I must admit once I estanblished proof of the A and exposed it, I gave up sneaking. It shamed my FWW into stopping using her 'secret' cellphone and being a little more open.

Still highly secretive but now the A is over I could car less until she chooses to trust ME and HERSELF again.

Sneaking is OK but becomes an obsession and they ALWAYS find out. Remember they are the olympic sneaking and lying experts right now.