Ok , guys keep me grounded or something PLEASE also keep in mind if you've kept up with me ...

Things have been better than good but hey I am always on the look out (maybe thats the problem)

Here goes: Friday H had to take company car to machnic (last fri I didn't post this for a while ) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well he didn't call when he left work to pick up car ,,, so I radio him (nextel) NO answer user unavilable ,,, I call NOT available ,,,,

I kept trying both methiods affarently I came to conclusion PHONE IS OFF <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Now that was for 15 mins (giving benifit to him that nextel out of service range it happens offten )

SO I beep him and Beep him and so on .......

He calls 45 mins later ,,, and yes I do my 3 thing and FLIP OUT !

He said, I got all your pages why didn't ya just radio me ??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> YOU stupid A$$ I did why would I page ya if I could radio you ! your phone was off !

Reply :NO IT WAS NOT
ME: so why didn't ya pick it up to call me then to see WHY I was paging YOU !

HIM : I was in the middle of talking and thought why do I have to stop to call YOU !I will call when I am done !

OK so he comes home and its stense to say the least !

That NIGHT I was pissed , he said, how long ya gonna have ya attitude ,, I said, till ya tell the trueth !

then well the yelling began ,,, and in the middle of it he BLURTS out and if I was with OW thats just tough ,,, or something like that ....

Well hold me down I saw RED and thought a home run useing his head as the ball would be good right about now !

He immedately LOOKED at me and said ,, thats not what I meant I am sorry that came out wrong ,,, you got me so mad accusing me of talking or being with her ....

I said, no need I asked for the trueth and now I guess I got it ,,,,

He flipped out saying ,, I was not near her or ever speack to her ,,, why do I have to keep tabs on my ever friggin thing cause I had an A yrs ago !

WEll it don't change what he blurted out !

I have not seen any signs of anything ,, no calls , no disappearing ,,, no attitude changes ,, NOTHING ....

BUT now this ,,,,,, Is this my worst fear that I always said, that they will remain freinds and not let it affect our M ??????

Afte

People who have nothing to hide don't things from people who care about them IMO.

I hope to be in a place with my FWW in the furture where she lets me all over her life and her mine. And we won't be recovered until that day.

How long ago was your H affair ?

3isa,
I understand you're insecurity and suspicion. Let me get this right, your spouse cheats on you, lies and sneaks around, then when you don't trust them later they take offense to it, eventhough they caused the mistrust???

I feel your pain.
The only problem is he has a point. You have every right to feel insecure and suspicious but you must express it without doing the 3 Thingy and flipping out. It's hard to be composed and calm during these types of situations, but you have to find a way. What I've done is WAIT to talk about it. I don't BLURT as much as I used to. The end result of blurting is someone says something they didn't mean to say or says something in a way that they didn't mean to say it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I hope that made sense. Please be careful with the accusations, if your H is back in contact you will find out, there really isn't anything YOU can do to prevent it and if you flip out you just exasperate the sitch. 3, I know eveything having composure is easier said than done, especially after all your hard work. I feel the same way, but it's what we must do. Do you want to be right or be married?

At least that's what I keep asking myself.

m m m *sigh married...but happily <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Kiss and make up...apologizing for the 3 flip out thingy

Today is a new day.

After that saturday late night we finnally talked but I guess I am holding back I do not belive him ..
He had been great the hole week leading to this one ,,, and alot more SF witch has been coming along but very oddly alot more affection since then all through this weekend that past and this week ....

SO what do I do ,,, sit and see , observe ???

I always keep myself in tune so I can't say I ever slack off on the spying to an exstent ,, I just do not let him know of all of it and what he knows of it he never seems to care ...

Checking e-mails ,, phones ect...

I am ok I have calm writen all over me , and as far as he feels its finished ,

ADVICE , 2cents , 2x4's what ever !


Sorry this was at the end of the post above ,, For some reason it got cut off ...

BOB, my H A ended 15 months ago officaly ,, LONG story ...

Contact resumed while he came home 17months prior to that ,,, like I said, long story.

But N/C is supposedly 15months now and we have come a very long way in the working on recovery .

FM , as you can see I did the I am sorry thing, and like I said, above all is sqaushed as far as he is concerned .

and as far as calling it the 3 thingy (LB) its cause my temper on the matter of OW gets me always has ,, you know as long as I am at MB the part of PLAN A never really sticks with me its amazig when it does LOL

I agree as I have said to many here we can not stop then (fws )from resumeing contact .

I know this , and he know the consqueses I guess thats all I can do , and sit and wait while liveing our lives together . I have just always had this fear in me .

And the fear of knowing how and what I will do if I should find out they even where on the same street together without him telling me honestly !

Ok well waiting to hear from others ,,, Thanks all

3,

You are perfectly normal. Just quit doing the 3thingy for goodness sakes!!!!

From the amount time that your H was unavailable, and given the great recovery you are enjoying, especially lately, I think your H was doing nothing wrong. He is just further into recovery than you are, as are most FWS's.

Anyway just tell him you were/are suffing with a little bout of PTSD. Actually I call if PTAD (post traumatic affair disorder) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> LOL, but you can tell your H that it is post traumatic anxiety disorder <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> if you wish.

He is further along than you. You still trigger when you can't get ahold of H. Just remember, don't REACT, STEP BACK and communicate instead of holler. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I still have anxiety attacks when my H leaves town. And last time he didn't call me but about 3 times the whole week. It was not pretty when he returned. And I am way further down the recovery road than you are girlfriend.

It won't always feel this way 3. Just keep up the good work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love you, back to lurkdom.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Miss M , come on , do you really think he is just further along then I am ? I mean yes he wanted to forget the A since n/c started ,,, BUT ,,,,,,

Is this further along recovery then me , up to something, or just plain disrespect !

WHY WOULDN"T HE JUST PICK THE PHONE UP AND CALL ME RADIO ME ????

WHY SIT THERE LOOK AT BEEPS AND NOT RESPOND ????

AND WHY WOULD I BEEP HIM IF I COULD JUST RADIO AND CALL HIM?????

BECAUSE he will not admit to me that the phone was off ,,,,,,,, if not he would have used it to call me !when I paged him !

And the phone would only be off for one reason in this world >>>>>>>OW !!!!!!!!!!!!


oh wow this feels like it put me back alot ,,,

OK so confronting is done , he says his phone was not off, thought I was crazy to be paging him why didn't I call ?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> him , and he says he was in a convo with the mechenic and OW has nothing to do with nothing !!

I check crap I come up empty ,,, I can't be at his job everyday , theres no way to do that .

I do a drive by every so offten he is in place ,, but the times I can't get there I can't so thats that .

we are so in dept ,, I would hate to get a PI , they cost alot to tail someone .

I mean if he is then the hell with my dept , but if it comes up empty and my H ever found out I wasted that money with the hole we are in ,, well lets say HE WILL DO YHE 3THINGY !LOL

miss m ,, please come out of lurkdom <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

3,

I don't think you need a PI, especially since you are so much in debt right now.

Your H was disrespectful. Which triggered your PTAD. I think that is all there is to it. Been there many times with my FWS. They cannot concieve the anxiety we suffer sometimes. It was inconsiderate of your FWS.

I still think all is okay. It was only an hour afterall. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Count your many blessings 3. You are the best!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Ok MM. But inconciderate,disrespectful I can say well ok , human screw up ...

BUT what about lieing ,, His phone was off ,, it had to be so isn't it saying something else ?

Yes I see the good belive me I do , he has been working (in his way ) and I see it and tell him I do ..

He also sees me in a different way as well .

And the yelling outburst well lets say they do not happen even 80% of the way they did PRE-A or days post A .

All in ALL can I see a better M absolutly , but does that take away the fact that ,,, he could be in contact with that HO !

No , and I know I have no way of 100% of ever being sure it will never happen again none of us do its part of the excepting process to forgive and recover.


BUT be honest how many horriable times have we heard in a good recovery that contat had taken place and it went undetected because of the good recovery .

I know I am doing it again ,,, I am fearful of the what if ,,,,

You know with sososo many other stresses in life right now , it would just really suck !

and thats putting it in a nice way .

I also am not afraid to admit my fear is no matter what M we have I know my H ,,, He could neer feel safe in telling me about the HO and contact !

He knows I can handle the trueth , but he knows he can't handle the conseqences .....

Its a shame but the reality .

I do take in to consideration that when they had contat I knew it all and he was honest about all the time ...

BUT since he knows the N/C being in place now , that he had his way ,, did it his way , ended it his way ,,,,

NOW he knows theres no chances or reason he could give to me ,,,

Onece that N/C took place after the he11 of 17 months of me letting be his way ,,, IT can never again happen or it has to be leave or do it MY WAY ....

And that would be fear enough for him not to tell me .

OH , god , I know I am my own worst enemy .

BUT I am not letting this affect us , I am able to keep this underwraps and not bring it up again to him .

I guess I will keep my eyes open and see if anything else comes about in this way ,,,

If it does I guess it will give me more then enough reason to be suspious .

I just wouldn't put it past her to want to stay freinds just so she can laugh if they got court .

3,

Give yourself a break. You went thru over 2 years of affair, continued contact, everything in your face.

Your H did it his way. This caused a lot of damage to you with the ongoing A and continued contact. 2 years, 3.

It has been what? 14 months of no contact? You still have a lot of anxiety. This went on soooo long. I am so lucky that it only went on 4 more months in my case. I don't know what I would do if it had gone on as long and had been as horrible for me as it was for you. You've been a peach, considering.

Calm down. You have a ways to go before you feel safe again. Not your fault. Your H has a lot to answer to for all that. I would hope he would be a bit more understanding. But, WS's are what they are. And they are further down the recovery road than the BS.

All I can say is time will tell. I couldn't say if your H was telling the truth or not about the cell phone being off.

But I do see things getting better for you and H as time goes on. Triggers are horrid. Hate that PTAD!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I can feel your anxiety oozing from your post.

Here, have a {{{{{{hug <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> }}}}}}. I DO understand, and suffered a great deal with that anxiety and insecurity. The longer NC goes on, the safer you will feel. It is just a matter of time before you will feel safe and start trusting again.

You aren't crazy. You are okay. WORTHY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Don't forget that. Try to recognize your triggers, see if H might help you thru them. I know he may not, but you can control your reaction to them. By stepping back and doing what is the best and healthiest for you, M and the fam.

Sorry you are going thru this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Hopefully it will pass soon.

Back at ya, and there for ya.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Hi there
I am so sorry for how you are feeling right now. Believe me I understand. For a long time I went through the same anxiety if I tried to contact my H and was unable to get hold of him. You see this was a huge trigger for me and a reminder of all the times I ahd not been able to contact him during the affair. Funny thing is I know he used to call me while she was with him too. This I know because she told me on Dday.

Unfortunately for whatever reason the phone was not answered and he did not answer your call. This might have been purposeful on the part of your H for whatever reason. If he lied to you I can understand how that would make you feel as it is very hard to regain trust in him after all of this. However if he had you flying off the handle (not saying you were, just if you were) then maybe he didn't feel safe to tell the truth. That is rong, but he clearly has a history of not being able to tell all and it takes a while to change that pattern. He has probably been protecting himself by such "little lie" since childhood with hes parents.

It takes a lot of time and work to change what is probably an entrenched pattern. I'm not he is right, but he may need a lot of support to break this habit.

Accusing isn't he best way to help him overcome this. Trying to provide a safe atmosphere for him to tell the truth is. Thanking him for any little thing he reveals to you that you know he wouldn't have in the past. Trying not to become defensive when you hear something negative he says to you, but really trying to hear his message. (having said all this I try to do this but fail often).

It is possible of course that his phone was out of range. probably wasn't but a possibility. You could always call the mechanic he was talking to to verify his explanation which might put your mind at ease about the situation.

I used to go into hyperanxious states under similar circumstances. I also used to check all the computer files, his wallet, briefcase, his pockerts, car etccc. I nearly sent myself crazy doing this.

Eventually I realised I was just sending myself bananas and realised that he will do what he will do. And I prayed to God that he reveal in good time to me anything I need to know.

My H is away right now. In the past I would have been going bananas with worry about what he is up to. Thankfully I am totally calm about it these days. It takes time. Any lie will set you back a long way. Perhaps when both of you are calm you could express to your H that any lie or any instance where he witholds any information from you, no matter how trivial makes it hard for you to rebuild the trust he wants from you and causes you a lot of anxiety.

Of course he may have been with the OW. I would say based on your story probably not. If he was, sooner or later you will find out.

Hugs to you
C&S

3,

How are you today? Hope things are better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Will check tonite for an answer.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thanks guys , you know coming to MB for me sometimes is sanity , to be talked off the cliff I find myself on sometimes .

And ya know I sometimes find myself hanging there when the R is going GOOD ! Weird right !

Maybe just one of those stages in recovery at 15 months who knows , maybe with all the light bulb moments that H has had it really scares me that he JUST MAY GET IT 100% one day ...

Or maybe its the gray hairs that been popping out all over <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and the little lines I notice in my face , or the kids going BONKERS and the bill collecters calling that freeeekkkkkk ME out and I go into over load !

I did have a crying brake down this morning in front of him ,,, and he was sad to see that I still thought about the PHONE THING from almost 2 weeks ago ,,, He said theres nothing other than saying I LOVE YOU , I wasn't with or talking to OW or any women for that matter and to say that I do not want to hurt you ever again ,,, I just want to go past the PAST ,,,,and I am sorry if I don't think on that level of the A any more as you do (my triggers ) ..

I know it speeks volumes but , I still need to find more ways to let go of this A ,, I am trying and I know I have done a great job on myself and the trust factor with him ,,, and the triggers are sooo less then ever the past few months ..

But any who thanks all again , I am the type that gets on the cliff and needs to be talked down , I got a very wild imagination that makes up a hole story up in my head with just the littlest thing to go on .