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I would like to ask you some questions and get straight answers, will you allow me too?
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I was wanting to get inside the mind of a man who commits adultery for a long period of time with one woman. Can you help with these questions?
Looking at your signature, I'm not sure your situation applies?
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In my current relationship with my W I have been, in order, the OM (I guess in a sense our relationship is an A that has lasted now 8 1/2 years), the WH (had an EA with W friend for about 8 months), and now the BH.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up: <strong> I was wanting to get inside the mind of a man who commits adultery for a long period of time with one woman. Can you help with these questions? Looking at your signature, I'm not sure your situation applies? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My situation most definitely applies. Better ask away rather than keeping it under wraps, this thread could get really long before we hear your question! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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let's have those questions...
so what's a long period of time???
fogless
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Wake up....
You have us all wondering.....
2scared
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You might want to read the following thread. There is some good information in there. FWHs Share Insight ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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former BH and s-OM, never WH. What are the Q's?
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(scratching head)
(tapping pencil on desk)
(whistling "Dixie")
........
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Sorry it took so long to respond guys!
I'm sure as we discuss issues, more questions will come up.
I had a PA with OM for 6 yrs. He was my best friend, listened, understood me, loved me for who I was. Divorced his wife 2 yrs into the affair to be with me. I couldn't make myself leave my family so I continued the affair, telling OM I would leave and never did. H found out about the affair. OM moved away, but there is still phone contact and he is fully expecting me to join him in a month because I said I would. Since we've been seperated and I've been reading info on MB's, I have doubts.
Most info I have read doesn't paint a pretty picture of OM.
Questions:
When a man starts an affair, what is he really after? What is his goal?
Would he cheat on me if we were to be married? He never cheated on his former wife of 15 years.
I am nieve in thinking he loves me for who I am or is he painting a picture that's not true?
He says because we love each other, we can get through anything. Thoughts?
And now the big questions...His exW still hangs around. I know he had been intimate with her once or twice after the divorce when he and I had tried to break off our relationship. A good example of her still hanging around will happen this weekend. The exw and 17 yr old daughter want OM to go hunting with them at exw's mother's ranch. OM sees nothing wrong with this, he want's to be with daughter. I say leave exw home and take daughter. He says can't it's exw's moms ranch. They will all drive to ranch together, spend day together. Can he sleep with her just for the sex and still love me??? If so, HOW???
I could go on and on...please respond.
Thanks
PS-OM justifies hanging around EX by saying I'm still married and do things with H. I say he divorced W by choice and still chooses to have her around..
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Waking Up: When a man starts an affair, what is he really after? What is his goal?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When either sex starts an affair, they are seeking something that is lacking in their M (or themselves), instead of facing their problem(s) head on. They take the easy way out. There are very few exceptions: predators who have absolutely no respect for humans. Communication! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would he cheat on me if we were to be married? He never cheated on his former wife of 15 years.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm...Let's break this down...everything you "know"...He and you had an A...after divorcing his W--while still with you--he has been having an A with his XW. That's what you "know"--everything that he has told you. (I'm not saying that he did or didn't, just stating facts.) I personally couldn't answer this unless you told us more...what were the conditions that you "met"? What were your marriages like? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am nieve in thinking he loves me for who I am or is he painting a picture that's not true?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Odds are, he's painting a picture that you want to hear. You need to answer that one, WU--Who are you? Who do you want to become? Especially if you have children, how do you want to be perceived? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And now the big questions...His exW still hangs around. I know he had been intimate with her once or twice after the divorce when he and I had tried to break off our relationship. A good example of her still hanging around will happen this weekend. The exw and 17 yr old daughter want OM to go hunting with them at exw's mother's ranch. OM sees nothing wrong with this, he want's to be with daughter. I say leave exw home and take daughter. He says can't it's exw's moms ranch. They will all drive to ranch together, spend day together. Can he sleep with her just for the sex and still love me??? If so, HOW???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This really is interesting, WU... Brief recap...you were(are) married (BTW, does BH know?!?!), OM M...OM divorced and is now SINGLE...still wants to "be" with you and "loves" you...you promise many things, including D, but break promises (as well you should--you still ARE M!)...then you get upset when he takes trip with D and another single woman. (Doesn't matter who she is--she is single.) What upsets you about this? (I will refrain from any 2x4's until that question is answered! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
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Liny </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This really is interesting, WU... Brief recap...you were(are) married (BTW, does BH know?!?!), OM M...OM divorced and is now SINGLE...still wants to "be" with you and "loves" you...you promise many things, including D, but break promises (as well you should--you still ARE M!)...then you get upset when he takes trip with D and another single woman. (Doesn't matter who she is--she is single.) What upsets you about this? (I will refrain from any 2x4's until that question is answered! ) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this may sound off the wall and like a double standard, but he divorced her, he chose to divorce her and he can't stay away from her, always uses excuses like he can't control what she does, where she goes..blah, blah...but the main reason it upsets me is I want him to prove she is no long a factor in his life and he hasn't done that by totally cutting her out of his life. (Here comes the 2x4)
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wakingup... no one here can answer the questions as to why your OM does what he does or doesn't do... but you and he can stay locked in the tango of empty promises.....dreams and visions of what could be....etc... I am not discounting your or his feelings...but the old cliche... Love is not enough.... sometimes is true..... all this back and forth blather of same old same old.. you telling him misery about contact with his ex-wife... him telling you he left his wife for you and when are you going to do the same... isn't it draining?? isn't it exhausting?? six years of your life... SIX YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the state of your currently marriage is a direct product of those six year on some level on your part.... aren't you tired of it all.. none of it solving anything... and life is just passing you up....(all of us actually....) and you spend day after day wallowing in this self created drama..under the title of love and other mushy feelings.... so we find people here to offer post after post about why your married parts his hair the way he does...(assuming he has hair.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) and it's all hearsay and nonsense... marriage builders as much as people love to label it some warped save every marriage no matter what site...it's not... it's more a stop your own creation and participation in chaos type of place.... you can't figure out OM.. you can only figure out what you are going to do.. your indecision is as much of a decision as anything else... are you really planning to be the person who brings destruction in to your children's lives... thats really what you need to figure of.. inspite of the OM inspite of the husband inspite of the pschyco-babble of a feel good it's my turn don't I deserve to be happy generation... we grown ups we adults we make life much more difficult than it has to be... we make a mockery of all the good that is in our world and lives... we create chaos and base it on a warped new definition of the word love... it barely makes sense.. it has no logic... ARK
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WU;
THese are just my opinions.
Affairs start because of neglected emotional needs. Normally its a lack of communtication that leads to that neglect. I myself would question the " we love each other and can get through anything" line. Didnt he love his wife and she love him? They didnt get through it. Yes he is telling you what you want to hear. It may be how he feels, but it may also be a way to get what he wants.
I guess first of all, take a look at why YOU started the PA. What wasnt/isnt being fulfilled by your H. Fill out the EN questions. Do 2 of them one thinking about you H and the other thinking about OM. Then show them to your H and sit down and talk about them.
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WU;
THese are just my opinions.
Affairs start because of neglected emotional needs. Normally its a lack of communtication that leads to that neglect. I myself would question the " we love each other and can get through anything" line. Didnt he love his wife and she love him? They didnt get through it. Yes he is telling you what you want to hear. It may be how he feels, but it may also be a way to get what he wants.
I guess first of all, take a look at why YOU started the PA. What wasnt/isnt being fulfilled by your H. Fill out the EN questions. Do 2 of them one thinking about you H and the other thinking about OM. Then show them to your H and sit down and talk about them.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WW (ME) 39
FWH & BS (44)
D-Day 2/14/04
DS 13 & DS11
I know this may sound off the wall and like a double standard, but I divorced him, I chose to divorce him and I can't stay away from him, always uses excuses like I can't control what he does, where he goes..blah, blah...but the main reason it upsets me is my OM wants ME to prove he is no long a factor in my life and I haven't done that by totally cutting him and my children out of MY and my OM's life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gee....I don't see where your OM is being "unreasonable." It is, after ALL about what you each think is what you want, not what is right.
Given that understanding, both of you should expect and be comfortable with the fact that at any time during your life together, either one of you is perfectly justified in seeking companionship elsewhere. It's NOT "until death do us part," it's "until I no longer feel tingly 'in-love' with you."
Excuses and justifications are plentiful. Expect it to be the normal course...and throw in lying as a "norm" also. Trust? Not on your life, and sadly...you know it too.
Waking Up - you really don't know all of what you are about to throw away, do you?
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Ark- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> isn't it draining?? isn't it exhausting?? aren't you tired of it all.. none of it solving anything... are you really planning to be the person who brings destruction in to your children's lives... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES YES YES CORRECT NO!! You have a way of cutting through the garbage.. Thanks John- Never thought of completing 2 EN questionairs, will do. I've actually sat down and tried to list the pros and cons, the cons outweight the pros by far... Thanks
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ForeverHers </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Waking Up - you really don't know all of what you are about to throw away, do you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm realizing it more and more. I also sent you a message on the TMCM/JL or other men-need help thread. Thanks
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