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There are many sad 'waverers' on this board right now who are struggling with plan A. Now there are many fine resources from many smart folks that describe and RE-describe Plan A, but I wanted to tell you what my FWW said tonight.
Now so you know my FWW is SO "F" that its almost spooky, and she is almost completely defogged now.
She told me tonight for the first time her perceptions of the past few months.
D-Day : fear. Fear of violence ( I have never hit her but I was VERY angry). Fear of the loss of everything. Fear of the loss of OM
1 week in, plan A begins. FWW suspicious. She felt she deserved ( and expected) a pick axe in the head while she slept, yet she got a Plan A'ing fellow tidying the house and making her dinner.
1 Month in : Hatred for my exposing to OM GF. HATRED of me. Surely it was only spite to ruin the lovely OMs life by telling his GF of the affair.Oh, and she began to feel a little cheap too. And that she would lose all her hard won respect amongst our friends.
2 months in. OM has blown her out like a candle. Feels hopeful of his 'coming around' but increasingly betrayed by OM. However she notices that I have gotten pretty buff, lost a lot of weight, gotten some muscle and some pretty darn sexy clothes. Also pangs that our kids are coming to me with issues and and for fun not her. Jealous that I have spent so much quality time with them wheile she has sulked and pined for OM.
2 months, 2 weeks. FWW now crashing - OM is a liar and a roue. Her fiends won't respect her anymore. SHE won't respect her anymore. However, BOB is there as always with a sabbatical off work, offering to take her to lunch, after he's taken the kids to school. He's looking pretty darn good, listening insted of talking all the time. Not judging. He's going out one night per week, I wonder if he has another woman ! PANIC ! At that moment she realised she loves Bob and the bottom falls out of her world as she realises what she's done. She can't assume Bob wants her back !
Bob's arms and calm are there as always.
3 months - FWW has enjoyed being with Bob a lot. He is funny, caring, and not judgmental. Pangs of romantic love appear in FWW for Bob, but she does nothing. Having betrayed me once she doesn't want to give me false hope.
3 months 1 week, We meet as we leave the bathrooms in a restaurant, FWW can't help holding and kissing Bob. A wonderful weekend, and new week follows of increasing reconciliation and openness.
She says " This 'plan A' stuff must have been the hardest thing anyone as proud as you has ever done. I am in AWE of your strength, majesty and love for me through this. I do not deserve you,but I thank GOD you are here for me, and you have made yourself what I need you to be. Please help me become the wife you deserve in the same way".
From the most spiteful WW ever to an honest, reconciling FWW in four months of rigidly adhered to Plan A.
Waverers I do not post this to make me look good, PLEASE read my FWWs opinions here of plan A. WS notice the changes made in plan A even if the fog prevents them responding positively to it initially. And when they crash ( and most do) after the A, the nest you build for them in plan a: the calm place with a new improved spouse in it - is the perfect refuge for them. And it sets the context for reconciliation to begin like no other.
PLEASE see that a studiously applied Plan A/MB WORKS !!!!!
I was suicidal four months ago. Today, I have high hopes of a full M recovery.
Waverers/newbies PLEASE have faith !
** KY and KiwiJ **
You said Plan A would work for us and it has. She loves me, girls. She admires me. My 'taker' is out and about again !
You FWWs were inspirational to me. What you said has come to pass. Thank you. Thank you. ((( girls ))))
<small>[ September 30, 2004, 06:47 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>
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Registered July 2004....Bob did.... 1001 posts and 3 months later ..... a happy man and a happy woman and a happy family! Cool <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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Bob Pure for President!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
(Seriously, thank you for the encouragement and uplifting story. I've been an avid reader of the Bob Pure and Faithinme saga's since they started. Bob P - when you get a chance, would you post about the divine intervention that you mentioned? thanks)
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Bob, you absolutely kill me! You Da Man and an inspiration!
Cheers to ya mate!
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Blessings to you bobpure...
you kept to your prayers....
kept your sight on the bigger picture...
weathered the storm
Grace to you and yours...
ARK
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Bob - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
(p.s. Wow! Amazing how little time it took you to reach 1000 posts. I think it took me about 1 year to hit 1000. At this rate you'll be blowing past JL in no time!!!)
Hard doesn't even come close to describing it. The hard work, the endurance to continue on, the trust when it seemed hopeless, the fortitude when nothing seemed to "get through," reliance on God's promises when the next day seemed to be years away, the LOVE in action and not just words...
Congratulations, Bob. Walk with Christ and the three of you will build an incredible marriage together...with the purity that remains after having been "tested" in the fire.
God bless.
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Thanks FH. We have far to go, and we may * not * make it, but just to get here is miraculous.
I won't be posting nearly as much. In teh early days I had NO-ONE to talk to who could help me other than you good folks. Also my sitch was a soap opera with international sport, tragic deaths, suicide attempts and staggering levels of fog pollution so I attracted and responded to a lot of traffic.
FH and CuteIshot
I am gathering thoughts and evidences to encourage some folks on here, God has worked obviously in our lives over this, and MBs tenets have been proven to be magnificently correct. I need to find the right words, not ramble and not try to take glory when it is not mine.
I will post them up when I have considered and written them.
I am actually happy right now, and I thought I would never be happy again.
The road ahead daunts me a little, but with FWW actively working on our M as well as me its unbelievably easier than Plan A hs been.
I am reserved a little - we still have far to go, and I do not intend to return to the unacceptable level of emotional dependency I had on FWW before her A.
And I have to work on myself a lot. But right now, I am concentrating on helping FWW heal herself of her guilt and hurt. Difference is she is letting me in now, as romantic love for me returns to her heart. And I too am finding stirrings of romance in my heart for her.
I will not abandon myself to 'feelings' though. There is much pragmatic work to do before 'feelings' can be given free rein.
Thanks for your care and interest.
All blessings
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Hey BP! It is a good feeling when our FWW's tell us how much they appreciate our efforts... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I understand you not posting as much... Once my W and I were well on our way to rebuilding, I basically stopped coming here all together. If I were home with my W, I probably wouldn't visit this site at all... All the best to you and your W... Semper Fi, RIF90
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An excellent post, Bob, for all to read - even for those of us for whom Plan A/B worked in much different ways. Your results can reinforce our conclusions that, although we didn't achieve our primary goal, we did everything we could to save our marriages, nothing more likely would have helped, and thus we can proceed in life with a clear conscience, guilt free.
<small>[ October 01, 2004, 06:51 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>
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hey bob can you come here and do this for me?....lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Congrats on all the hard work....you words are encouragment to me. thanks
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BobPure...
I knew you'd make it. I've seen few BS as steadfast and determined as you.
You are my poster child for Plan A.
I'm so very happy for you.
What an accomplishment !!
And a little food for thought....I've continued my Plan A religiously... every single minute...of every single day..and now my FWH has adopted the Plan A guidelines....it makes this recovery process... easier
Awesome for you both !
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bob Pure:
...He's looking pretty darn good, listening insted of talking all the time. Not judging. He's going out one night per week, I wonder if he has another woman ! PANIC !</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Great Job Bob! but I almost fell out of my chair laughing at this part. Keep up the good work.
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At lunch today we had another open hearted discussion, In fact all life when we are alone together these days is an open hearted discussion.
FWW asked me "Can you teach me how to change myself into a wife to match the husband you are becoming ? Does the plan you are using work for wives too ?"
1. I almost cried with joy !
2. Another vindication of Plan A to a responsive WS.
* BTW thanks everyone, but really my post is give hope to folks that Plan A CAN do what it says on teh tin and is NEVER a waste of time.
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You got my vote as well Bob, even if you happen to be are raving Neoconservative or a flaming liberal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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TMCM etc al your support means a lot to me - you have seen 'em come and seen 'm go on here after all but REALLY, I just want to pass one some hope to the hopeless that Plan A can work. I AM proud though ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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Bob, when the time is right, see if you can get her to confirm/deny some of the rumors of what goes on in the Mothership. Seriously, perhaps it may help her if you relate the alien abduction theory as one of the ways some BSs cope with the bizarreness of the affairs. We know our WSs aren't inherently "bad" despite acting so, so we use some absurd, humorous explanations - these are easier to accept than our WSs chucking life long virtues. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> WAT <small>[ October 01, 2004, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>
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Bob,
Great post. I am so happy for you and your family. You have worked so hard and stayed the course even with all of the things that tried to throw you off your plan. Great job in Plan A.
I am a believer of MB principles also. WH is beginning to get defogged and come around. He slept close to me this morning and his quiet, little snores were the best sound I ever heard. I thought I would never have that experience again after the days he said he would runaway or he never get close with me.
The greatest miracle is that BS's cherish their spouses and that we have courage and resolve to protect that love until spouses come around.
Blessings to you and may God continue to guide us on this journey.
<small>[ October 01, 2004, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>
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WAT, she mists up when I refer to some of teh stuff she did. It svery painful for her to be reminded right now.
She says she's not in denmial and she WILL be able to talk with me about that time to help me heal, but now she wants to enjoy loving and being loved in a Godly way. She says every day with me gives her strength she doesn't deserve.
That 'deserve' thing is hard for her. I am working on helping her through that. I have used the parallels that we don;t 'deserve' the grace of God but we get it freely for HIS joy, not through duty.
I hope one day she may post here to help others. I have explained that for repentant FWS this is a friendly place, grtful for their support. Also that, as Pep says, there are dozens of cyber friends who actively LOVE her and have prayed for her daily for months !
She just said " you know what makes our life today even more special to me, Bob ? You have absolutely no duty, reason or compulsion to be here for me now, other than you want to be. That humbles me and makes me very very happy and hopeful. You are a wonderful man. I am blessed by you."
Oh dear, I'm going to my den to cry with joy for a while again ... * sniff *
We will have bad days again but DEAR GOD these are sweet.
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BOB i am proud of you. this forum needs stories like this. all happy endings. So or bob is having an unofficial honeymoon again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Enjoy man. When i marry i will look forward to be a H like you . ( not BH though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) CAN ANYONE SEND STANLEY AND MYRTA HERE ??????
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Thank you BP. Just so you know, I printed your Plan A suggestions 2 weeks ago and I refer to them daily.
You are an inspiration.
God bless you and your wife!
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