I have a question for BS's...or really for anyone who's experience infidelity.

So far, I've got two ways of looking at my H's desire for time away. I suppose there are some in-betweens, but those are the 2 extremes.
1. He wants to use the time to grieve, get over me and move on.
OR
2. He wants to grieve and then move on with me.

Reading posts, I've read that a separation was the best thing for a couple, for other couples, it was the worst thing. I know that everybody's different, but I was wanting some specific feedback.
My question is this:
What did you experience after DDay? Was there a period of separation? If so, how long? If not, why not?

3. He wants to carry on an affair in relative freedom, without the guilt of sneaking around behind his wife's back.

~~~~~~~~

WHAT do you want? Separation or not?

Pep

Pep-
Oh, um. I'm the FWW. Failed to mention that in original post. Oopsie...guess that makes a diff., huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Rae

rae, I'm currently separated from my husband and it's the worst thing we could've done. Even he will say that being separated gives him much less motivation to work on things. Unfortunately for us, there is no way back right now, even if he wanted to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What did you experience after DDay?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My D-Day was a lonnngggg time before our separation. I did not have the benefit of MB at the time. If I had, I do not think we ever would've separated. After D-day, we decided to stay together and see if things changed in a year. But we took a "wait and see" attitude and nothign in our marriage really changed. So one year later, there I was, separated. Up until we actually physcially separated, we were still very loving towards each other, very affectionate and giving. That's pretty much gone now. The initial period of D-Day was turmoil for me. There was rage, anger, disappointment, hurt..fear.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Was there a period of separation? If so, how long? If not, why not?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not initially, no. We talked about it and decided against it. At that time, we could still see the good in our marriage. Could see why it was worth it to work it out.

Why are we separated now? As i said, nothing changed in the year after D-Day in our marriage. I didn't change my behavoirs, and neither did he. A year after D-Day, he asked for a divorce. I talked him into a separation instead. When we separated, we did still see the good in the marriage, but didn't see a way to get to it.

Now...my husband is having a hard time seeing the good. When I left we said we were still going to really work on things. But we're not. He's detaching himself further and further. We still talk a lot on the phone (he lives far away) and are friendly..more than friendly..but not QUITE loving.

If you can avoid a separation, I would do so.

Maddyk-

Well, I can't avoid it actually. We are separated currently. Not by my wishes, but his. I really have no choice in the matter. It was what he wants...I'm the one who screwed up...I can't do anything BUT abide by his wishes. The day he found out, he wanted me OUT. SOOO, I am staying with my sister. We are putting our house up for sale, and plan on getting apartments when the house sells. He's staying at home right now.

Are you and your H planning on counseling together or being together again any time soon? Just curious. When you say there's no way back, do you mean b/c of job situations, etc.?

MY H doesn't want to work on things yet, but he keeps saying "Maybe some day." He's SOOO angry right now...although I've seen some progress over the past month (yeah, it's only been almost a month since D Day).

Hey, thanks for your reply...'preciate it.

Rae

rae03

As a BS maybe I can help you a little, I hope.

Seperation is always regarded as a very risky step, by this site and my own thoughts.

I kicked my H out on two occasions, the longest being 3 or 4 days. We have children that were crying for Daddy to be home, that's why it was so short. If it weren't for them he wouldn't have made it back into the house until he agreed to marital counseling. But my situation is different in the sense that it seems you really want to work on the marriage. My H didn't want to work on the marriage at the time, he said maybe someday (and he was the WS), he wanted us to live together but lead seperate lives, but claimed he wasn't having an affair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I of course knew better.

Dday was 4/20/04 for me when i broke into his email, that night he wanted to work on the marriage.

What was going on in my head when H was out of the house was that he couldn't hurt my anymore with his affairs, blaming me for the bad marriage, etc....he wasn't there to hurt me. What a relief that was for me for those days. Maybe that's what your H is doing, when your mind is violated you get the "fight or flight" syndrome. Your H may have chose flight to protect himself from the pain.

Begging him may push him away further. He's scared, hurt, traumatized. Our MC related what happened to me as like "post traumatic stress syndrome". Us BS are suffering greatly.

My only advise is write your H a true heartfelt letter, explain without blame, apologize truly. Explain to him your current thoughts on your marriage and a plan to walk into the future together.

I think if my H would have done 1/2 that I would be in a far better situation emotionally than I am now. My H apologized, and promised never to hurt me again. But there was no emotion in it. I wanted him to grab me, look me in the eyes and say it with all he had. I will accept what he said and try to move on. I realize now that everyone is different in their thinking and actions/reactions. I accept my H's way of being remorseful.

Hope this helped. Read the 5 love languages book, HNHN, and Love Busters and Surviving an Affair. These are other things that if my H would do I would have no doubt that he was serious.

Best of luck

No, we are not in counseling together. I am in IC, and he's not, though he could probably use it more than me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He did agree to counseling with the Harley's once I get job. I think he is only agreeing to it, though, in order to say that he did everything he could. I do not believe he will give it a good effort. But my hope is that the seeds will be planted.

He comes to visit every other month and I'll be seeing him at the end of October. But I do not think we will be living together again. I am fairly sure we will end up getting divorced, though I did not feel like this when I first left. My hopes are high, but my expectations are very low, even lower than when I first left. Because i see him doing things to purposefully detach from me. He still does a lot of small things for me which keep me loving him, but I'm not sure he'll ever really be able to find his way back. do I think he'll regret it one day? Absolutely...but I believe it will take at least the divorce to make that happen.

Yes..job situation. He's in the military. We were stationed in Puerto Rico which is considered an overseas location. We had to get a special waiver for me to come back to the states, moved out of our military house, etc. They would never pay for me to move back there and we cannot afford it ourselves. Plus, he's only there for another year or so and it does not really make sense for me to move me and my son back there again.

rae, I will say one thing. While I think our separation will likely directly lead to us getting a divorce...on the other hand, I never would've made the changes that *I* needed to make if I had stayed there. So this is definitely a Catch-22 for me.