I been on various sights tonite and some say is a couple wants to reconcile (and ex does not want to remarry though) that Gods still sees you as married. What do you think of this>

oops<p>[This message has been edited by dj (edited September 21, 1999).]

Well, we're not divorced, but I don't feel like we're really married anymore. I feel like our real marriage ended when H cheated 13 years ago, and we've just been shacking up ever since.<P>That's why I've told my H that I want:<P>1. To date again--get to know each other all over again and rebuild those loving feelings.<P>2. Him to propose to me again, complete with new rings.<P>3. A new public wedding and reception--so that the world will know that we love each other and are recommitting to each other.<P>4. A romantic honeymoon.<P>But, I told my H that I wanted these things only if/when HE wants them, and not to do them just to "appease" me or to "keep the peace."<P>But, in your situation, I think that God considers us married, but it's also important that the two parties also consider themselves married.

Go to the Source. Read 1 Corinthians 7, 1 Peter 3, Matthew 5:27-31. It's even clearer if you have an Amplified Bible.

Lor,<P>Yes the Bible is clear if you have only been married to one person. Both me and my ex have been married to another previously, and have kids with our first spouses. My first husb. did cheat on me twice and we had many other problems. I was only 17 when we married. As far as my 2nd husbs first marriage, I am not sure if cheating was part of their problems. Both of our first spouses are married now.<P> So after reading the Bible, I get the impression that my 2nd marriage was never acknowledged to God. This breaks my heart like you would not believe! I had a legit reason to divore my first. I could not get past his infidelity, and I guess being that we were so young when we married that I got to know him better over the years and did not like the person I came to know. My 2nd husb and his first wife just fought all the time as far as I know, and I think there was sex outside the marriage during their separation. My 2nd husb and I also did one another wrong, while our divorce was in progress, we got back together but did not learn the proper way to work out our problems thus we are now divorced, but still love one another and wish to work things out. Yet he refuses to marry me again. But did God ever consider us married in the first place??? Am I supposed to remain alone being my first is remarried and according to God my 2nd one not legit? I love my 2nd husb so much and am way to confused as far as what to do. I want to please God first threfore I dont want to be having sex with my 2nd ex husb while working out our problems if it is wrong in Gods eyes. Someone please tell me my marriage was real. If you all tell me it wasnt I guess I will have to just deal with it and learn and be willing to be alone until my death. Wish I could have a 2nd chance and start my life over again.<P>Oh yes I forgot my ex mentioned last night that someone picked me finally to become an egg donor. I signed up for this last year because I wanted one last chance to have a baby with my husb. We lost 5 together do to me having to high of an immune system. When pregnant my body thinks there is a cancer in thre and kills it. There is treatment, but the cost is sky high and ins. does not cover. So I thought if I could donate some of my eggs and can make money off of them so I would have money for my treatments. Maybe 2 couples could have benefited. Since I do have 2 children from my first marriage, it does not bother me to help someone else achieve their dreams of having a baby with my eggs. Now they finally consider me and I am divorced. This SUCKS OUT LOUD!!! I will still do it because it will help me get out of debt here. My ex had the nerve o say and you could have had it all if you had not have left. The baby, stay at home mom , etc.. My dreams are so shattered. But I still want to help another couple if I can. Yes I will sureley get a bit upset if they achieve, but only out of envy. I feel every woman who wants to experience motherhood should have the chance to.<P>Oh well sorry this is soooo long, but I am confused and depressed and going out of my mind, and you all are all I have for now. Thanks for being here!!

Bluestar:<BR>I believe there are a few reasons that God will absolve us from marriage and one of those reasons is adultery.<BR>Matthew 5 verse 31:<BR>"You have heard that the law of Moses says, A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a letter of divorce. But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless* she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery." I believe that means that adultery may be one of the only reasons that God would look apon you and say you are free to leave the marriage because your spouse has been with another, I don't know if that's how anyone else in this forum reads it but that is what I get from it.I hope this helps you feel a little better Bluestar, I really feel that in that aspect all has been forgiven in Christ's eyes.

Not to be too lengthy since I am a poor typist, just wanted to ad that I believe God is forgiving of these matters and divorce can be accepted. Wouldnt God love you when you join in marriage even again. I think He allows for divorce by adultry although its important to try sincerly to rebuild before we call it quits, this may not help much but I hope for your happiness and strength,God be with you.

How do you start to trust him again. I don't want spend the rest of my life thinking that if I don't fulfill his emotional needs 24/7 he will do it again.

I found out awhile ago, that my exhusb's first marriage ended because of all the fighting and he admitted he was selfish and told her she was preventing him from having what he wanted in life. (not sure what that was) But she gave him the divorce after he told her he didn't love her like he should. So she filed for the divorce and he agreed. My reason for my first divorce is acceptable, but now know his was not. He really did not even want the divorce.<P>I still cant figure out what God wanted to me to do with my ex.. I never knew, but the feeling never left my mind that I had a purpose or something important to do with him for God. I know it's weird sounding.<P>Also I feel as though I am going through a death here, you know when you are completley numb!. Dont know what my purpose is in life nor do I have a clue about my future. I never thought I would end up alone. Would rather die than to be feeling this way. When will I ever get to be happy, and keep that good feeling for more than just a couple seconds a day.<P>Tomorrow I am not going to post here unless I have something positive to say.<P>Promise,<P>Bluestar

I finally got my answer. Read this.<P>Thank you for writing and sharing frankly from your heart. Yes, we all can<BR>make messes out of our lives. I did the same, to a degree. I was married<BR>as an unbeliever, and then divorced. Became a Christian three years later,<BR>and then married three years after that. I am now in a marriage where<BR>Christ is honored and it is a joy. But we are not perfect, and I often feel<BR>that I am the weakest Christian alive. Yet, I feel God's wonderful love and<BR>mercy in my weakest moments. Jesus said, "My grace is sufficient for you,<BR>for my power is made perfect in weakness." [2 Corinthians 12:9]. It is when<BR>we find that we are at our weakest moment that God can display His great<BR>power by lifting us up with His strength.<P>Now, I have read the description of your marriages, divorces, and<BR>remarriages. Yes, it can get confusing, but in reality the answer is rather<BR>simple as what to do now.<P>What I understand as your current situation, is that you are not married,<BR>and that you had legally divorced your first husband again, and that you<BR>still love him, and he declares that he still loves you. I think that is<BR>the case.<P>Well, there are two basic thoughts here. First, God recognizes each<BR>marriage and divorce that was sanctioned by the state. He hates divorce,<BR>and wants us to reconcile if possible. In your case it would appear that<BR>God wants you to return to your last husband (husband #2), since<BR>reconciliation is possible (he has not remarried). However, it must be in<BR>marriage. To live with him outside of marriage would be to live in<BR>continuing immorality, even though you were previously married to him. The<BR>divorce granted by the state terminated that marriage, so you are not<BR>married to him any longer.<P>Now, it appears that he refuses to become legally married to you again,<BR>which presents a problem. But for you, as a Christian, you must remain true<BR>to your "real" eternal husband Jesus Christ, and not live in immorality. So<BR>if you ex-husband refuses to marry you again, then the divorce remains and<BR>he is the same as any other man that you are not married to. You could<BR>date, but there is to be no sexual interaction of any kind.<P>You need to be reminded that God is absolute sovereign in every aspect of<BR>your life, and if your "ex" doesn't want to come back as a "husband" then<BR>God may be closing that door. You have to be willing to let him go, rather<BR>than sin against your Lord, for true happiness and fulfillment will be found<BR>in walking in obedience to Christ. Now, you may feel that you could not<BR>stand living alone for the rest of your life, and I could understand that.<BR>But don't despair, for God knows your heart and your needs. It was He who<BR>said it was not good for man (or woman) to be alone. Trust God that He will<BR>give you strength to do His will.<P>A verse to cling to would be, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give<BR>you the desires of your heart." [Psalm 37:4] In other words, for Sheila,<BR>simply focus on doing whatever will delight the Lord Jesus, that is reading<BR>His Word every day (recommend the Proverb of the day--whatever the date is,<BR>also a couple chapters of the Old Testament (start in Genesis), and three<BR>chapters of the New Testament (start in Matthew), and you might read a Psalm<BR>a day too. Do this each day, and in time you will have read the whole<BR>Bible, and then keep repeating this until you die, and you will have<BR>delighted the Lord).<P>Also, pray each day. Get alone with the Lord; closets are nice and quiet,<BR>but anywhere where you can carry on a conversation with God. Tell Him what<BR>you feel and praise and thank Him for what He has done and will do. Ask Him<BR>to help others (specifically) and also to meet your special needs. Couple<BR>this reading and praying with a heart desire to be obedient, and then you<BR>will have "delighted" in Him, and He then will "plant" in your heart the<BR>desires He plans to fulfill.<P>Bluestar, it could be that your "ex" is not a Christian, and God does not want<BR>you married to him again. It could be that God would want you to be married<BR>again to him, but if he is still unwilling to marry you, then I would accept<BR>that as a "closed door" from God.<P>Bottom line, focus on Sheila and your relationship to the Lord. Be sure<BR>that you belong to Him. That you have at some point in your life been truly<BR>"born again" by repenting of your sins, believing on Christ (who He claimed<BR>to be), and that you have submitted you life to His control, albeit how<BR>imperfect that is.<P>Also, be sure that if you have been truly saved, then as an act of obedience<BR>"after" that salvation, that you have been obedient to being baptized by<BR>immersion. This baptism doesn't save you but it was and is the first<BR>command that Jesus gives to each new believer.<P>Well, I hope that I have been of some help. Maybe I said too much, but what<BR>I said has come from my heart to you.<P>If you have any more questions or comments, then feel always free to email<BR>me.<P>Adoring Christ,<P>Oh Boy, That was very difficult to swallow, but I now know what I have to do. Very Blue now, but have to trust in God. Never got anywhere putting faith in humans so what can it hurt?<P>Bluestar

Bluestar .. that last post really touched my heart while i was reading it. I too have been doing my best to work on getting more in touch than i've ever been with God and Jesus again, since the situations that i've gone through over the past few months with my H and OM. At one time there was talk of him asking me if i was unhappy and wanted to leave cause i wanted to be with another. But i knew in my heart i didn't, something was telling me and i believe it was God saying this is the guy that i chose for you. I truly believe that through the healing that H and i have been going through and the closeness we've experienced too, even though he's miles away due to his job. Luckily we can talk on here, to save on phone bills. So i'd just say trust in your heart and look to God for answers he'll provide them for you and tell you what he wants you to have in your life. Take care .. and may God watch over you too .. : )<P>------------------<BR>Alliy

I did not read everyone's post on this. But here's the scoop.<P>God considers you married until one or both persons remarry. The second or subsequent marriage is valid in His eyes as long as you hold true to the vows that youmade to each other and Him. But if neither remarries, then you are to reconcile with your ex. This is perfectly acceptible. There is hope for reconciliation under such circumstances.<P>IMHO if a Christian that believes in doing God's will to the T wants a divorce then that Christian is a Christian with a hard heart. This Chrisitian falls just short of wanting to do God's will alone because God hates divorce. He allowed it only because people developed hard hearts. This is why I still love my W because it is the love that God has shown me. It is my duty, which I do of my own free will because I care moreso that a duty, to love her the way He loves me, lest He stop loving me because I stop loving her.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Oh Rob ... God will never stop loving you, whether or NOT you love your wife. That would make God's love conditional ... and it's NOT ... that would make you trying to EARN God's favor, which we cannot.<P>The Bible is clear in it's allowance (or non-allowance) of divorce. 1Corinth. 7 is a good starting place.<P>I see that I am bound to THIS husband for as long as we both shall live. If I had stayed in the affair and unrepentant, then my H would have Bibicial grounds for divorce ... but I had NO grounds for divorce ... because falling in love with another person isn't one of the "allowances" in the Bible. Growing "tired" of a spouse isn't a reason either.<P>

Thanks Maya,<BR>I know He will never stop loving me. I just know that for me to love Him unconditionally entails that I love everyone as He does because it is His love that is being manifested through me. I am incapable of having such love, thus it is His love that I have for my W as well as all others to include my enemies. Glory be to God in the highest. I can't fault anyone for not yearning to know know Him more deeply with each new day. I just poorly stated what I feel in my heart, mind, soul, and body.<P>I can never see myself growing tired of her. I can see myself growing tired of the things that I don't like. It is the actions not the person that is the issue. I have never been in love with her. I went right to unconditional from the moment I met her. She was and still is His gift to me. I will cherish her regardless of what happens.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited September 22, 1999).]

Thank you all for responding. Well it is certain that my ex has closed the doors. He is for sure not willing to marry again. Me or anyone else. I asked him to try and not be wherever I am for awhile because it's hard on me knowing we are through. He feels I should be able to deal with it being I was the one who decided to end it. Told him I cant right now because I still love him and had hoped I was worth remarrying and not just worth having sex with. Guess not. Then he says he is going to be up front with women when he starts to go out again and tell them he only wants to date and have sex. He makes me sick!!!! Whats even more sorry is that I know there are many women out there that want the same thing as he does. Then he says its much better when you love someone though, but not worth marrying. He is such a bum and I am down right insane for loving someone that way. He is not a nice person, vulgar and so on, like he has 2 different personalities and the one I fell in love with only shows himself 10% of the time in a yrs time.<P>So appears my life of marriage is permanently over and according to the Bible I can date but never remarry as long as my ex remains single. I hate dating for one thing and I hate knowing I will remain alone. I hope with this change (me finally being willing to live by Gods words) that God will reward me in some way while still here on this earth. Maybe my salvation should suffice, but right now my heart is broken and dreams are dying. Dont know rather to hold onto same dreams or not. As you can tell I am not a patient person so this is hard. <P>Hope you all have better luck than I did, and dont give up the way that I did. Maybe if I could have been just a little stronger and not moved out, I would not be in this situation. I just dont know.<P>Bluestar

This thread was particularly beneficial to me. I have been running on an empty lovebank, and really pondering becoming single again. It brought me back into reality, that I am a Christian, and GOD will close the door to my marriage if I am to be single again. It isn't my decision! It is HIS. <P>So - it helps me to realize that staying with my husband is what God wants me to do. And I need to put more effort into pleasing God, even if I don't feel so much like pleasing my husband. That is obedience to God. <P>How come it is so much easier to want to please God rather than man? But that is what I think I need to do at this point.<P>

Bluestar,<BR>If there is no hope of reconciliation then you are free to get married. If dating is to relieve a sexual need then that is wrong because that is fornication. Pray that God will change your H's heart. It is quite apparent that H is only thinking of himslef and not God's will.<P>TNT,<BR>It is difficult because man has a sinful nature which is disgusting in and of itself. This nature is why all of us are here both betrayed and betrayer. If we could only keep our focus on Him and none of this would be an issue. Yet, we know that the day is coming when we the saved will experience no more pain, suffering, sickness, etc. To God be the glory!!!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

You are right, Rob! And I really hope people celebrate the day that I enter heaven. Because it is going to be the best day there ever was.<P>

TNT, God will not shut the door on your marriage ... your H will do that. God ordained marriage as a lifelong covenant, and he would not want to see it destroyed. But He gives us free will .... if your H chooses to destroy what God has joined, then God will allow it.<P>As for you and your future, God will provide. His Grace is sufficient!

I have been divorced for over 9 years and remarried for 7 years ... I still feel in my HEART, married to my first (though we share children together) -and I truly believe thats why God doesn't like divorce ... the feelings have never died there for the ex. He had an affair, which I caught, but after the anger subsided after a couple of years and I figured out HOW to forgive him ... the old feelings surfaced and have never gone away. I know my heart is still there ... maybe just because of the kids, I don't know - and I have desparately tried to close the door.