My WW says that she will not quit her job. She had an A with a co-worker. In SAA, Dr. Harley says that once a WW needs are met, the BH has very little to worry about.

Is it possible for my W to work at the same place, talk to OM only when necessary, and still keep feelings under wrap?

I think I know the answer to this, but Dr. Harley's writing in SAA kind of seems to refute this. I'm not pushing her to quit her job just yet. She's still in a "decision" phase imposed by our MC to determine what she wants to do about our M and the A.

I'm in the same sitch. WH has been at his job for 16 years, not easy to leave. Luckily he doesn't work in the same dept. as OW. But they do see each other "in passing." I haven't said anything about changing jobs yet because he is also in the indecisive stage. There's no way he'd even consider it right now. But I'm curious to know if it can ever be possible to stay. Of course, I don't know if I'd ever be comfortable with it.

I'm in the same sitch. WH has been at his job for 16 years, not easy to leave. Luckily he doesn't work in the same dept. as OW. But they do see each other "in passing." I haven't said anything about changing jobs yet because he is also in the indecisive stage. There's no way he'd even consider it right now. But I'm curious to know if it can ever be possible to stay. Of course, I don't know if I'd ever be comfortable with it.

Nope. Harleys says not, Carder says not, my gut says not.
Apart from the daily humiliation you will be subjected to the risk of a reactivation of the A will be enormous and ongoing. They would have EVERY chance to deposit in each others $lb and no opp to withdraw.

Absolute recipe for disaster IMO.

rykon,

Hey there!

I respectfully suggest you go Back and reread SAA, because I think you missed some important chapters and Topics.
(Hey I know this A crap is tough and confussing....so don't sweat it).
Just go back and get the principles down correctly for yourself.

What the Harley's suggest and advise, is there to be NC (NO Contact) between the affair partners for LIFE!

This must be done, Even if it takes extreme measures.

Many times it does take dramatic changes, such as:
One or the other finding another job.
Selling home and moving away.
Changing schools.
Changing Churches (or other).
The list can go on and on.

Unfortunately, there ARE consequences to our actions. These are just SOME that come from having an A.

The point is that NO they cannot just go back to being coworkers, friends or Anything.
Its TOO late for that. The line has been crossed. The boundary has been broken.
The ONLY thing they can be to each other NOW , is a tough life lesson learned.
That's it.

The powerful emotions of an A make it too tempting and dangerous to do otherwise.
Their "will power" failed them BEFORE there was any type of "connection" between them.

There is little chance of them not falling back into old habits, once the chaos dies down.
Yes, they may be on guard for a while, but the spark is ALWAYS there.

Another sad thing is you may be being "played" even now. Sadly, it happens all the time.

This is also a way in which she can "prove" her intentions (with a tangible action) ...other then just with Lip Service and telling you that you can "trust her".

OK, Then put your money where your mouth is lady.

In addition, it is just plan cruel and down right disrespectful for the WS to expect YOU to put up and tolerate this situation.
Imagine going on for the next say 5 years, KNOWING everyday that your W is "with" this man and you have NO idea what is really being said or done.

Think you'll be content living like that?
Will you be able to be loving and trusting with that "obstacle" always between the 2 of you everyday?
I highly doubt it.
It will eat at you and Drive you crazy. (Even if she IS doing Nothing wrong).

Please don't end up sacrificing your M, because of fear of Money. Any job will pay her $$money$$.

In our situation, the OM (forced to)quit, then my W quit [as all the "triggers" were getting to her], she got another job, we sold our house and moved to another state to get away from that whole enviornment.
(the OM still worked in the same circles, so my W would have had "chance" contact and in addition she Always heard about him and was asked questions about him, from others).

It truly was the Best thing for us Both.
[As My W's entire A took place AT Work].

Yes, reality might dictate your WW can't quit today.
But get the ball rolling so she can be "away" from him as soon as possible. (weeks or months, NOT YEARS)

Can she transfer?
To another office, site, building or shift?

Is he her superior in any way?
If he is, then you can possibly get him to leave?
Fixing a mess is always more difficult then just not making one in the first place.

In any case:
Again go back and reread SAA cause your quite a bit OFF on this one.

Wishing you success your journey. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 12, 2004, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

Thanks Top Rope.

You're right. I'm still trying to get the "big picture" in this Plan A thing and I think I tend to focus on the trees instead of the forest.

Did you think that you would be able to get your W to quit? Did you bring it up in the past and she resisted? Does she still think about OM quite a bit?

Rykon

Until your wife even decides to commit to rebuilding your M ands top the affair, its really academic.
However, I cannot see how she could really commit seeing the OM every day and getting her OM fix as often as she wants.
Then there is the trust issue for you. I cannot think that you would be reasonably be expected to trust her with the OM around her all day.
Harley and his MB program ALWAYS stress the importance of NO CONTACT. It does seem to be proven with the test of time as well.
The bottom line is, is she really willing to commit right now to working on the marriage or do you need to work on a plan to get her to that stage?

From your very short post it’s hard to say for sure but the tone of it suggests she has NOT decided at this time to do this.

OK what can you do?

I would suggest you read all you can here on Plan A, on his needs her needs, get the books they suggest and work out very quickly a Plan A right away from the info on this site. Have questions come back here an ask. Someone will answer.
In short plan A is about presenting to your wife a new you. The man she wanted when she married you, the man who can meet all her emotional needs - EN’s - so she does not go looking for them outside the M. Its bloody hard to do and & you will get loads of crap thrown at you from her, She may even decline at first to break up with the OM. If so there is a plan to handle that as well.
But first you need to show your wife YOU can be the answer to all she wants.

It will seem like you are the only one working on your M for a long while. Well you are. Her work will come in later when/if she decides to commit and find out she wants YOU and has to work on herself so YOU wont go looking elsewhere one day.

But first read everything here on the main pages and the books surviving an affair and His needs Her needs. Pretty good starters.

Also don’t be afraid to come here to General Questions 11 (known as GQ11) , or Just Found Out boards to ask for help. Or vent or whatever.

Do you know if your MC supports the M idea?

Anyway start of on this and see how it pans out. If there is any further info you want to put forward that may help us give better advice please do so. It can help get you the right advice from those who have been through it.

Thanks again for the replies and for the words of encouragement.

I think that the initial shock of everything is wearing off a bit -- or the AD are kicking in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> -- but I'm starting to try to fill her ENs. However, she hasn't filled out any of the questionaires in HNHN, so I'm not really sure what they are. She tells me that she hasn't ever felt that "passion" or initimacy in our M.

She has taken the 5 Love Languages quiz in the past and I know what she likes there (acts of service and gifts). So I'm trying to start off there. It just seems like she appreciates what I'm doing on the surface, but it doesn't seem like it is having any affect on her. So I'm going to start working on these to really show her that I'm willing to change.

Our MC is pro-M. They are a Christian-based C service.

Rykon,

Sorry just now seeing your post. I have the same situation. Now that my FWH has decided that it is completely OVER, he knows he can't work there anymore. He knew it before, just couldn't accept it.

He has worked there for a long time, has a great job, lots of respect and senority.

Gotta go, though! As far as I'm concerned we can't get far enough away. We are looking out of state. I firmly believe that he would never do this again with anyone else. Never dreamed he would do it the first time. His father did it many times and he hated that! But I do believe that She will always pose a problem/temptation. Distance is the only answer. Distance, Distance, Distance. Can't stress is fimly enough. I could never feel comfortable with him working with her. Ever! And he knows that it would be unfair to me. His heart is and has always been good. He made a terrible mistake. But our love is strong and with time and distance it will heal and get stronger. This I firmly believe. But it can not get better as long as he works with her. Hurts me deeply everyday I send him off to work. I get a sick feeling in my stomach until he comes home. I really think he does too, now.

I'm looking for him a job as I write this. I look everyday. I send resumes everyday. And we pray.

So I hope that brought my point home strongly enough. Once she commits to recovery completely I think she will clearly see that a new job is an absolute necessity.

ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

For those of you who have gone through this -- I know each situation is different -- how long did it take to get to recovery and for them to admit that something needed to be done about the job situation?

Maybe this should be another post, but my WW says she feels like we have never had intimacy or passion in our M. I've been trying to be more intimate, but she says that she's not ready yet, that I should "keep trying, though." I feel like I'm stuck in a state of limbo since I can't really talk about the A or our relationship. At Dr. Harley's advice, I have piqued her curiousity in reading HNHN, but she hasn't even picked up the book. She's mentioned going to IC, but hasn't made an appointment yet.

She's busy at work, so I know that it's a drain on her, but I feel like nothing is being done and I can't push anything.

bump

Rykon,

In my case, it took FWH about 5 months. Once he made up his mind and broke through the fog, he realized that he could not continue to work there. Problem is, finding a new job has proven to be rather difficult. We are looking out of state. As far as I'm concerned, we have to get far, far away. I'm afraid she will always be a weak spot for him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But I thank God for his good heart. He is a good man. I pray your W will come out of the fog and realize that working together will never work.

Forgot to mention that during those 5 months I was Plan Aing my butt off. Didn't know it was Plan A - just running on instinct. Didn't find this site until August when H left for a week to "think things through". He came back fully commmitted to me and our family. And convinced that he needs to find a new job. Finally! Actually, I never realized that he was in the fog during those 5 months. I'm so "naive" that I thought everything was getting better. I really didn't know that we were still in "troubled waters". That he was still having and EA with the OW (PA stopped after d-day). Only was physical one more time before complete commitment to our M. (That one still hurts! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But I'm glad he told me.) We are still working on rebuilding my once Unconditional Trust. So very sad about losing that.

Sorry, gotta go. Whining child and gotta get to soccer practice.

(edited to add stuff about Plan A)

ng <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 05:20 PM: Message edited by: naivegirl ]</small>

rykon:

After our DD, my FWW refused to quit her job. We never reconnected and had constant turmoil in our marriage. Four months later she agreed to quit allowing us the ability to begin recovery and to reconnect.

Recovery cannot happen with the OP in the picture, in my experience. I equate it to telling a heroin addict to quit taking heroin and handing him a bag of heroin as you walk out of the room.

The addiction by one or both people are too great to bring closure to the relationship, if they have full access to each other. Without the WS disconnecting from the lover first, he or she wont reconnect with the BS.

I hope this helps.

TooSoon

Rykon,

If it’s AT ALL possible for your W to quit her job and find another one, she must do so as soon as she can.

In my situation, I couldn’t quit my job because of economic reasons in my country and difficult financial circumstances. So I was compelled to stay at the same company and endure ‘accidental’ contact with OM. Luckily it didn’t happen very often and I took steps to keep the possibility of accidental contact to the minimum, but the feelings of anxiety and discomfort I experienced during the times I see him or bumped into OM were severe. This accidental contact also prolonged my withdrawal and made it very difficult for me to get rid of residual feelings for OM. I still work at the same company than him and although my feelings are totally under control now, I’m still on ‘guard’ and feel slightly anxious when I see him.

So, to answer your question: From what I’ve experienced it IS possible to still work at the same company after an A with co-worker, BUT then there must be minimum contact and then the FWS must be FULLY committed to the M and be willing to abide to NO personal or deliberate contact at work during all times and under all circumstances… But working at the same company is something I won’t recommend at all even if all the above factors (minimum contact and full commitment to the M) are present, because the emotional effect of contact at work is hard on both the FWS and BS. As a FWW I can honestly tell you it is much more difficult to keep feelings under wrap working at the same company after an A, and this is especially true during withdrawal and the beginning of recovery.

Blessings,
Suzet

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 05:45 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Hi rykon

There are VERY few succesfull recoveries here with the WS still working with the OP.

In my case, I asked my H to quit his job almost on dday, of course he was in the middle of it, and he thought I was crazy.

A whole year has to pass separated, and we reconnected again after that.

Then H came home again, I had to wait 4 more months for him to make that choice. He was there for 5 years, and had a good job. But he knew if he kept working there, there were huge possibilities of relapses, things we didn't wanted for our recovery.

So he finally quit, without having another job, and we let it to God. 15 days later he found another one, not as good as the old one, but it's better, no OW on the picture, and we have a chance.

If your wife is not 100% commited, give it time, until she realizes she has to do what it takes, and that there are consequences to her actions.
Also, although sad, be prepared for a relapse. Then you can decided on what you can live with.

Good luck

Suzet, I would like to add that any contact between FWS and OP is deeply humiliating to the BS. As a gesture of respect I think total NC should be maintained, as well as the risk of teh A resuming.
No income is worth that humiliation to me. IMO

Bob, I ‘hear’ what you are saying and I agree with that, but sometimes there ARE circumstances that make it almost impossible for a WS to quite a job. That’s why I’ve said to Rykon of it’s possible AT ALL for his W to quit her job, she must do so.

In my situation my H lost his job and still don’t have a fixed income. If I quit my job before I can find another one, we will have a major problem and won’t be able to survive. There is a house to pay, bills to pay etc. etc… These things do play a role.

Just wanted to clear that out if you don't mind! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Suzet

I'm going to say yes actually. For two reasons. First, I understand that in todays economy its just not always possible to quit and find another job. Thats a reality folks. Second, if after recovery you can't trust your FWS to not do it again, I would say what is the point, why even stay married? If they are not trust worthy, you have bigger problems than them working with the OP.

To tag on to something Bob Pure said, I agree, contact with OP would be humiliating. But, weigh that against the humiliation of loosing your house because you could not find another job. I would certainly start a search for a new job, but I would not quit one until I had something else lined up.
Michael

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

Suzette, maybe I am too proud but nothing would be worth my sitting home knowing my FWW was meeting OM regularly at work. Humilating to me, impossibly difficult for my FWW.

My wifes' role as karate referee will take her into contact with OM if she insists on continuing. early after d-day she insisted she WOULD continue. Now, she is trying to focus on the situatiosn where she knows he won't be. I pray that soon as we move through recovery she will give it up. She is looking for a job right now anyway which is a good thing.

If she doesn't, I can't continue with recovery. I can;t force her to stop it, but she will basically be choosing her role over our M.

That is a role she doesn't need for money so I can understand how hard it would be if the money was really needed too.

I would do anything possible to get another job, and try to work out with my boss how contact might be avoided - different locations for example.

As I said, maybe its just me but there is no recovery with contact IMO.