Well Anyname, As mentioned we are going to separate. You have to realise that we separated 3 times last year, each one under the guise of his depression. It was only after he finally came home last Jan that I found out about the affair. Once OW thought she'd lost him, she started her pestering.

So, here's the thing. I can forgive infidelity. I don't like it but I could get past it. But for me to forgive anything, there would have to be a change in his behaviour. He is a good man with a lot of problems but I have made so many excuses for him. Basically, he found time and energy to have an affair, so I now need him to give me some of that time and energy. Upon discovery, I asked him for 3 things. ONE was to leave out his mobile phone. This was a tool of the affair. He now hides his phone. Last time I did check it, all history was deleted. He is hiding something. TWO, I told him if he felt he really needed to contact his old girlfriend on the internet (he told me this was harmless) then he should do it from the home computer so I could see for myself that there was nothing to hide. THREE - get tested. I don't know who or where she has been. I have been faithful throughout 15 years of M so I felt I deserved to feel 'safe' and clean!.

None of this has been done. When challenged over the phone and why he deleted all the history he said it shows I don't trust him. I countered that of course I don't. It's up to him to earn that trust back. So I said, is it that you don't know how to make amends or that you don't want to make amends. He said, it's a bit of both.

I'm not leaving this place. I am moving to a cheaper house in a nearby village. It is the nearest I can do to a plan B. If he comes to see the kids, I will leave. I think he feels no matter what, I will always be there, he can fall back on me. This will no longer be the case. I am so sick of being 'nice' to him yet it is not my nature to be confrontational.

I need to sort out the money. I have no idea where he will go. Financially, it would be better if he just moved in with OW. He lasted 3 weeks there last time. He is in la-la land. He has loads of horrible medical problems and all he does is add to his stress levels.

One of my reasons for moving is that he screwed his tart in my bed. She is a grown, married woman with a child. I can't believe she would even want to be in my bed. The kids are excited about moving. Apart from my eldest, they are unaware of what this entails and I am dreading it. One of them is so dramatic. If this doesn't feel right after a year, then it will be time to make a bigger move away from Asia. I actually think I can have a nice time here as a single person but time will tell.

Everyone back home is now aware of things and I have, at this stage, full support. His mum was on the phone asking me to give him a chance. He had let her believe I wouldn't. When I told her how he has behaved since; that not once has he touched me, kissed me, asked how I am, how was my day, how are the kids and as for SF - forget it. I was so affectionate after DD and all he ever did was turn away from me and ask why I was being 'so nice'. She got the picture.

So that's me for now. As we all know on this site, things and emotions change from day to day. Another of his horrible negative statements was that our relationship would become contrived and that why put off the inevitable when we are bound to separate later. For the sake of my kids I would definitely have thought we were worth a shot. But he sees things differently.

In short (!), I truly believe nobody can make progress after an A, unless all contact has ceased and I believe this is the case now with us. We are at stalemate so it's time for action.
It's long but it could be longer - I'll stop now. TT.

::::Well Anyname, As mentioned we are going to separate................. Once OW thought she'd lost him, she started her pestering.

Hi TT, I'm curious. What's in it for the OW - what do you think the attraction is for her (can you disassociate yourself enough to put yourself in her position)? How serious is your H's health problems? They sound somewhat radical? Is he overweight - I thought you said he was, or am I confused with someone else? Was it high blood pressure? So, this woman has her hooks into him and he doesn't sound much of a bargain - I thought the Chinese were too calculating for a bad deal like that? You met her, what was your impression of her? Don't know why I'm asking these questions but think I want to get a better feel for what's happening.

::::So, here's the thing. I can forgive infidelity. I don't like it but I could get past it. But for me to forgive anything, there would have to be a change in his behaaviour. He is a good man with a lot of problems but I have made so many excuses for him. Basically, he found time and energy to have an affair, so I now need him to give me some of that time and energy. Upon discovery, I asked him for 3 things. ONE was to leave out his mobile phone. This was a tool of the affair. He now hides his phone. Last time I did check it, all history was deleted. He is hiding something. TWO, I told him if he felt he really needed to contact his old girlfriend on the internet (he told me this was harmless) then he should do it from the home computer so I could see for myself that there was nothing to hide. THREE - get tested. I don't know who or where she has been. I have been faithful throughout 15 years of M so I felt I deserved to feel 'safe' and clean!.

Basically he's being an assh*le. Whatever was nice about him previously has disappeared (hybinated)for the moment and he thinks he needs this local lady to fulfil his life. I imagine she is the type that he wouldn't have given a second glance at when he first arrived here?? However, having crossed the line for whatever reason (attention and flattery), she is controlling him now and he's too weak to make a stand against her. He's bowed to her greater will, and even his lovely, lovely daughters aren't enough to make him see what a thoroughly stupid twat he's being. It's quite a shame really, because all it needs is someone to talk a bit of sense into him. (some deprogramming) and NC for a while, and your old husband would reemerge, feeling somewhat of the idiot over the mess he's made of things. He would return to being a wonderful husband again. He is still there somewhere inside but overwhelmed by stupidity.

Did I tell you how the exJehovah's Witnesses who leave the religion after years of enslavement, return to being the really nice, normal, bright, funny, perceptive people again (that's me!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). It's just the weirdest thing to see. But in order to do that, you have to shake off the mind control and the addiction, you have to wake up. (remember that Robin Williams movie Awakenings? It's a bit like that) In many ways, this is what is wrong with your H. He isn't really happy, he's controlled and addicted to something that he previously would have been horrified to have become embroiled in - if he could have seen himself in a crysal ball ten years ago, he would never have believed it possible.

;;;;None of this has been done. When challenged over the phone and why he deleted all the history he said it shows I don't trust him. I countered that of course I don't. It's up to him to earn that trust back. So I said, is it that you don't know how to make amends or that you don't want to make amends. He said, it's a bit of both.

It's too hard for him to even know where to start. Especially as the OW is giving him strength. He is her puppet. His fear of her is greater than his fear of you. If he only knew how simple it was to look her in the eye, and acknowledge the predator that she is, and tell her "on your bike sunshine". He would feel so liberated. He would no longer be under her spell. In many ways she's like a witch, and knowing how few good looking cantonese women there are, I imagine she looks like one too. Is she cantonese?

:::I'm not leaving this place. I am moving to a cheaper house in a nearby village. It is the nearest I can do to a plan B. If he comes to see the kids, I will leave. I think he feels no matter what, I will always be there, he can fall back on me.

Time to be tuff my friend. Really, really, really tuff. You have to be seen to be the one in control. Even better if he were to think you had found someone else. Geez, I had a good friend here once that did that - only she did find someone else after being ditched for OW after 16 yrs of M. And when her H woke up he wanted her back, but it was too late. She was about your age too. The new man was a honey. Single and 6.4, rugby player etc - she told me it was the best sex she'd ever had! God lives!


::This will no longer be the case. I am so sick of being 'nice' to him yet it is not my nature to be confrontational.

You are going to have to fight your nature. You have to be totally dispassionate and cold. Don't show any interest in him whatsoever. Treat him like he's come to read the gas meter. It is best if he thinks it's not an act but that you actually no longer have feelings for him or even think about him. Whilst he believes that you are there for him he will feel safe to continue with her. I feel like lending you my H to parade in front of him and let him think that you have replaced him already. (Sorry but I'm cursed with a small mind)

:::I need to sort out the money. I have no idea where he will go. Financially, it would be better if he just moved in with OW. He lasted 3 weeks there last time. He is in la-la land. He has loads of horrible medical problems and all he does is add to his stress levels.

You need a lawyer. Do you have one? I know one, but not sure if he's a divorce lawyer. You need to know your rights and his obligations to you. I think you should tell him to move in with the OW so there will be more money for you and the girls and make sure you ask for way more money than you need. The OW being Chinese will be cutting you down to a pitence, so you better aim high because you will be bargaining with her not your H. Make sure you lay lots of guilt at his feet about how much money the girls need and cost and how much they love him. Don't play fair!

:::One of my reasons for moving is that he screwed his tart in my bed. She is a grown, married woman with a child. I can't believe she would even want to be in my bed.

I can't believe OW full stop. She's a sexual predator, what's to believe? She's got no prinicpals. Will moving save you money? Don't drop your living standards for that b*tch.

:::::If this doesn't feel right after a year, then it will be time to make a bigger move away from Asia. I actually think I can have a nice time here as a single person but time will tell.

And why not? This place is comfortable for you and the kids - it's home.

::::Everyone back home is now aware of things and I have, at this stage, full support. His mum was on the phone asking me to give him a chance. He had let her believe I wouldn't.

Mmm, that was a bit mean. Did he want his mommie to think well of him? <shaking my head with disgust!>


:::When I told her how he has behaved since; that not once has he touched me, kissed me, asked how I am, how was my day, how are the kids and as for SF - forget it. I was so affectionate after DD and all he ever did was turn away from me and ask why I was being 'so nice'.

Maybe he was suspicious because he knew he didn't deserve you to be nice to him.

:::So that's me for now. As we all know on this site, things and emotions change from day to day.

OH yeah!

::::Another of his horrible negative statements was that our relationship would become contrived and that why put off the inevitable when we are bound to separate later.

And he's got true love waiting, that will flow so naturally. Especially carrying that huge burden of guilt on his shoulder.


;;;In short (!), I truly believe nobody can make progress after an A, unless all contact has ceased and I believe this is the case now with us. We are at stalemate so it's time for action.

You are 100% right. Time to pull the plug on him - he's had too many chances already.

You can always call me for a chat some time. I'll give you loads of encouragement. I can also sus out the cost of triad help to get rid of that cow OW - maybe we can get a special deal - two for the price of one?? Don't tell anyone I said that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now I have something very serious to ask you. This is important and pretty much as deep as I get. Do you know of a good hair cutter in HK? I've just got back from OZ and didn't get around to getting my hair cut and am now kicking myself. Grrrrrr.

take care and keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing. Very much so.

AN

Hi Anyname, I have to dash off to work. Have a pain in my eye and a pain in my leg today. Falling to bits! I'll reply properly later but, in the meantime, what are you talking about - colour, highlights, long straight black wigs or just a cut? Will contact you when I get back. TT

:::::::::what are you talking about - colour, highlights, long straight black wigs or just a cut?

g'morning TT, Well I was thinking Dolly Partin without the boobs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Actually I just want a cut. I dye my hair myself. I buy something from Park'n shop that costs $30 and only leave it in for 10 mins so it doesn't come up too dark. But I have to do it every three weeks coz of swimming every day. What a pain. I have no idea what my real colour is anymore. I was blond this time last year and then went brown with blond highlights (did it myself) and I loved that, but it's all too high maintanance. So am happy with plain brown now. It's what I was a hundred years ago when I was young.

Hope your eye and leg have stopped hurting. Isn't this weather incredible. Except the pool water is quite cool now. They don't turn the heating on till Nov. 1, so the sun must heat the water until then. It's pretty hard to get in - or maybe I'm a wuss!

Probably won't have time to write for a few days. Going to Taiwan for tomorrow nite. Get back late Sunday (typhoon permitting) to a house guest for 3 days.

Yesterday we had a visitor from OZ who is expecting H to take up a part time position back in OZ next April. It's really unnerving - this will be the 3rd time we've left. I hate the process and find I don't want to go after making the decision to go. The part time salary is a joke, but is it better for us? There are aspects of this place that make me sick. Your situation is one of them. Your H isn't happy doing what he's doing. I would like to spend a few hours locked in a room with him. Grrrr. I'd love to take a shot at sorting him out - I think I could put some dents in his mind set. (of course I know he'd have to be tied to the chair with his eyes and ears wired open, and mouth gagged). I can't help believing it's about deprogramming them - just the way you do with people in cults. <sigh>

AN

Hi Anyname, I know you won't get this till after the weekend. There used to be a Scottish guy at a salon called Hipfish. Don't know if he's still there. Other than that, I tend to get mine done out here in the sticks and it's fine. My hair is similar to straw so most hairdressers struggle with it.

You've been talking about leaving here early next year but you sound unsure. Have you put pressure on your WH to leave since all of this affair stuff or is a joint decision? If you are happy here, could you not simply move apartment and get away from where it all took place. Surely, if you are working through this, can't you do something less drastic initially? I only say this because I think that if you have problems, you can move wherever you like but you carry those problems with you. Just getting away from the slapper might help things. Besides, I need you (!). It's so nice to have you around even though I've never met you, but I know you fully understand the complexities of the situation I am in.

The Scottish hairdresser was called Keith - gay and trendy. TT