This is a post I wish I'd read in the first few weeks after D-Day. It was posted, by pendragon, in "How do I cope" in the Recovery Forum, but I thought it may help some folks here. pendragon... I hope you don't mind!?! This post is a must read for helping people keep the faith to move forward.
Here's the post...
I was hoping that you would receive some other replies to your questions, but felt I should jump in with my two cents. I mostly wanted you to know that there is hope and things do get better if you are willing to invest the time to learn and grow.
There have been a number of threads - even recently - about how to get your life back undercontrol. I have probably replied most about this subject, as its the one that bothers me the most when I see others flailing in the tide. So I jump in...
I'm a few years ahead of you on this recovery trail, but other than that small timeline fact, I can relate to where you are. Right now, I'm years past that point and I can tell you that by doing some simple things to get yourself together, life will begin to smooth out.
First, read all that you can about recovery from infidelity. This site is full of information and there are a number of books that are available too. I found all of Harley's books and workbooks, and tapes to be invaluable. But I also once garnered the courage to check out some hot-pink covered book from the library, entitled something like How to Win Your Man Back From The Other Woman, if you still want him. I still remember the the older librarian leaning over the counter and whispering to me that if I thought I might need this one longer than the three week check out limit, I could just phone her and she'd renew it over the phone. That one comment told me I was in for the looooonnnnngggg haul.
Apply the lessons you learn. Recognize what love busts are and eliminate them from your life. Learn what your spouse's ENs are, and start meeting them. Carve out time for the two of you to be together for quality time and limit the time that you are fact finding for evidence that they are remorseful/committed/etc. Allow them opportunities to demonstrate their words, instead of seeking more words.
The other thing I would recommend is to seek help from a variety of forms. Get an appointment with your doctor, seek counseling, and hit your knees. There is nothing wrong with admitting that your normal coping mechanisms have been overwhelmed and you need help. I can say this now three years out, but it took me a full year to realize that I had a problem with depression and needed a short-term intervention medically. Get help.
How do you stop obsessing? The first step is medical intervention and anti-depressants. The second step is self-discovery. You need to ask yourself some tough questions and find out WHY you are doing things to continue to hurt yourself. You need to identify the root cause to your insecurities and shore those areas up.
Are you comparing yourself to the OP? Are you mourning for the lost innocence, the lost time, the sense of abandonment, the lack of faith in your own ability to judge truth when its heard? Whatever it is that you're stuck on, once you identify what it is - and it may be multiple things - you will have something concrete to work on.
One of the biggest things that happens to a BS post discovery is the huge blow to their self worth and esteem. Wrongly, many of us have gotten in the habit of valuing our own worth by the reflection in someone else's eyes. Frankly, that's one of the chief things a WS is seeking sometimes when they stray. Well, you have to also spend time evaluating yourself and determining to emerge a stronger you - but you may have some changes to make and some learning to do. Don't waste another moment....get to work on you.
This site is great, but one word of caution. Seek out positive posts that can help point you on the road to recovery. If you must vent, note that in your title. And try to not seek out venting type posts just to feel like you're not alone - that "lets all pile on" and be miserable mentality. Seek information on ways to be stronger, become wiser, to repair damage and to move beyond the raw pain that is so much a part of your lives just now.
-pendragon Are you Struggling?
<small>[ October 16, 2004, 09:44 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>
