I usually just lurk, but I need some advice. Things at home feel a bit stalled. We are definitely not making forward progress. More like a status quo, but of course status quo is my WW lying to me and continuing to have an A. There is more detail below but my question is, what is the best way to get things moving forward and on the right track?

D-Day was last December. PA continued through July. EA since then, mostly due to restricted opportunity. I Plan A’d for months. Tried to Plan B twice when I found out about contact after she had promised it was over. I was terrible at Plan B – her tears just ruin my resolve. In August I threatened the OM with exposure if he had any further contact. WW went through serious withdrawal. She was very determined and wouldn’t believe the OM had decided to break off contact. Last week she finally spoke to the OM again and, I’m sure, is going to see him the first opportunity she gets. She also knows now that I have something to do with him not responding to her emails and phone calls.

6 weeks ago my wife moved to another city and we see each other on weekends and usually two nights a week. Since she moved it has been a bit of catching our breath, as the roller coaster of the A had worn both of us out. I’ve now caught my breath and have finally (I think) gotten it into my head that she is not going to stop the A of her own decision. And apparently the OM is willing to risk exposure, or more likely, doesn’t think I have the guts to follow up on my threat.

So…how do I get things moving in the right direction? Suggestions?

exposure, exposure, exposure. It totally rocks the A boat. Places turmoil into their little fantasy, gives them something to aurgue about, puts both of their "takers" on the front line to each other.

EXPOSURE, EXPOSURE, EXPOSURE.

It totally rocks the affair boat, gives them something to aurgue about. The A is now embarrasing, not fun. Puts both their "taker" on the front line to each other. Not very attractive.

BS, do a search on 'exposure 101' on this site by worthatry.

IMO there is no need for the OM to end the A without exposure. Make him & your WW test the strength of their 'love' under the scrutiny of HIS loned ones/boss etc.

If he is married start with his W. Also she deserves to know. I belive it is your duty to tell her.

Exposure was the most effective contribution I made to the ending of my FWWs affair.

Expect a rough rise ( cussin', threatenin') but it will explode the secret lies of the A.

All blessings

dbl post oops

<small>[ October 20, 2004, 11:27 PM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Yeah. About what I was expecting. I know in the back of my head it needs to be done. And I am almost convinced that I'll feel more impowered after doing it (thanks to reading your posts Bob). And yet there is this hesitation. Lots of reasons not to expose but they are all just excuses really. I guess I need to figure out timing now. We are closing on the sale of our house next Friday and I really don't want to cause a blowout that will complicate the closing. It has alredy been a nightmare of a sale and once it is over I'll have a lot of stress gone from my life.

I'm just rambling now...thanks for your advice!
-BS

BS,

Lots of reasons not to expose but they are all just excuses really.

I would really like to know what all of these reasons are. Please list them.

If the OM is married....my God man you must inform the spouse about the creep she is living with.

Don't tell your W that you are going to do it though. She will tell OM and he will tell his W that some crazy lunatic is going to call her with some wild story.

k

My excuses...I mean reasons:
-I'm beginning to think my WW has become manic-depressive. She is happy and fun one day and on the verge of a nervous breakdown the next. I think this has mostly been withdrawal symptoms due to the (almost) no-contact since I threatened the OM. I'm worried about pushing her over the edge emotionally as I think she would see any negative fallout in the OM marriage as her fault.
-Last time she broke no-contact and I called her on it her response was a roll of the eyes and a sarcastic “are we going to have this conversation again???” This was probably her trying to change the subject away from the fact that she had lied again. But part of me is worried that she thinks I’m beating a dead horse.
-I’m worried that the OM wife will kick him out and my WW will go to him.
-Mostly I’m worried about my ability to effectively carry out a Plan B, if that were to happen after exposure. I’ve failed twice, giving in too easily, and I think this is partly why she isn’t worried about getting “caught” again. She is convinced, with good reason, that she can get me back with a few tears and a sorrowful look.
-Part of me can’t shake the feeling that exposing is just acting like a mean and vindictive BS. I don’t think of myself that way and I don’t want my WW to think of me that way.

-Befuddled

An update. Last week the OM emailed me to ask what he should do with the recommendation letter that my WW had left for him to fill out. She needs it to apply for courses and she had told me that someone else at her former office was going to do it for her. I responded to the OM that I didn't think it appropriate under the circumstances and that the other person could do it. I was surprised he asked, but I think he was just covering his abses in case I knew about it already or were to find out about it.

Well, Saturday night my WW and I are eating at a restaurant when the OM and his wife walk in. We were seated near the door so there was a very uncomfortable 5 minutes while they waited on a table. It was the first time I had seen the OM's wife and it got me thinking how several of you have said that informing her is the only decent thing to do. After a few glasses of wine I told my WW that the OM had emailed me. We had a good (no LB'ing) discussion about how it makes me feel to know she lied to me again, my concerns about her reestablishing contact, etc. She apologized and explained away the reasons for asking him to do the recommendation. Of course, in my head I'm thinking that this is just another way for her to maintain contact with him.

Later in the conversation, she began drilling me with questions and long story short, I ended up telling her about my threat to the OM (contact = exposure). She was both surprised and upset. We had another decent discussion, but the next day she was getting angrier and angrier about it. She talked to me several times about it Sunday, which I am trying to look at as a positive because she has been unable or unwilling to communicate anything to me for a long time. The downside is that after talking to her I realized that she was angry because 1) it was my "fault" that the OM had stopped talking to her 2) it was my "fault" that she had gone through withdrawl and 3) how dare I hurt someone as sensitive and caring as the OM? She also told me that if I were to expose to his wife that "we would be done." Her reasoning is that it would simply be a cruel and pointless thing to do and she wouldn't want to be married to someone who would do something like that. The little MB voice in the back of my head was saying that this is just her being scared of having the A end and that it was an idle threat, but it was scary to here her say it. It was the first time she had really mentioned getting divorced.

I get so frustrated because we can go days and everything seems great. Last week she semed to be getting through the worst of the withdrawl and was more upbeat than I had seen her in months. Now I'm afraid we are back to where we were 3 months ago.

Sorry this has gotten long. I appreciate everyone's advice who has responded. Any comments, advice on this latest?

I hate to say this but if you had stuck to your guns when you were in Plan B, the chances would have been great that your WW would have ended her A, sent OM a NC letter, and willingly submitted herself to a marital recovery program like MB's. Have you noticed how many FWWs whose BHs dumped them after D-day, have stopped their affairs and started pursuing their BHs? Have you asked yourself why this happens? SELF-RESPECT. If you don't respect yourself, how can you expect that your WW will respect you? Why should she? You have the best tools available to save and rebuild your marriage but if your fear of her divorcing you is keeping you from implementing them, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Wow! Nothing like a 2x4 early on a Monday morning!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I do appreciate your comments though and was actually thinking about the same this weekend. I think I've gotten to a point where I'm tired of...well, just tired I guess. I have been doing the same thing for 10 months now and it hasn't really gotten me anywhere. At least anywhere I want to be. I've been hearing Dr. Phil in my head saying "how's that working out for ya?" Part of changing my approach is posting more here and getting advice and part is taking a more critical look at myself. You have helped on both accounts, so THANKS!
-BS

BS,

Well, Coffeeman didn't reallly nail you with that 2x4, you just felt a swift breeze as he pulled back his swing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but, your W's comment about leaving if you tell OM'sW is so typical. WS HATE exposure. Just like a vampire hates sun light. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

That is precisely the reason you do exposure. The fantasy is over then. Harley claims you take out a newspaper add if you have to. But his point is very valid. As long as the affair is going on, there CAN BE NO PROGRESS. You have 10 months of data that says the same thing. And you are right Ole' Dr. Phil's question is right on.

So it is time to expose, it is sad you waited so long to do it, as OM's W deserves a chance to save her marriage or end it. And just because OM's marriage ends it does not mean yours will as well. But the odds are high that he will NOT want to lose his W, if he did, he would have filed for divorce long ago. He just wants his cake and eat it to.

So slice the darned cake and make him choose which piece it will be. It will also make your W chose, and if she claims she is going to leave prepare your plan B letter give it to her and this time stick with Plan B until the affair or the marriage is over.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

BS,

OOPS...sounds like you told your W about exposing.

She may or may not contact OM now to warn him.

Good luck to you....stay strong!!

k

If you don't expose this affair, then you have ONLY yourslef for your continued pain. This is not even a debatable issue.

If you want the affair to continue, just keep doing what you are doing, which is nothing. You will get out of this situation exactly what you invest into it and if you invest nothing, you will get exactly that in return.

And do not tell your wife that you are going to call the OMW. That would be throwing away all of your ammunition because her H can then warn her about a "jealous nut" who has false suspicions.

This affair probably could have ended months ago with minor effort.

You HAVE to expose it, if you care about your marriage.

Thaink about this: you've given your wife the chance to end this peacefully. She cold have chosen to walk away, and both she and the OM would have their reputations intact.

She made the choice that will set any "cruelty" in motion.

Remember also that the affair has a vested interested in not being discovered. Of course yoru wife is going to find reasons that you shouldn't say anything. She wants to protect the affair.

You, however, need to protect your marriage. The time to expose is now.

Soooooo....you're all saying I should expose then? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Since that was pretty much as unanimous a response as I have ever seen on this board, I think I'll take your advice.

A question on actually doing it. Would it be more effective to expose and then go into Plan B or to expose and (try to) Plan A? How did you handle exposure? Also, I've seen posts regarding progressive exposure - OP's spouse first, if that doesn't work then parents and close friends next, co-workers next, etc. In your opinion is this the most effective way to handle exposure, or should I just go for scorched earth and tell everyone?

Thanks for all of your encouragement.
BS

bump

BS please read carefully:

After I exposed to OMs GF , my FWW asked me ANGRILY why I exposed the Affair to our best friends AND to OM GF when it was so hurtful to her and OM.

I explained MB principles that as Affairs are run in secret and built on lies, it is a test of their strength to see how well they hold up to the scrutiny of truth.

I made no value judgment as to how well this affair held up, FWWs brooding silence and pensive look said it all. She understood I think that the SECOND his partner knew, it was 'sh1t or bust' time. The A had no future.

I see this now: The ACT of exposure does not affect the A directly, it simply holds up its bindings to the scrutiny of light. In my WWs case, the A fell apart effectively when it was exposed.

Some affairs are more tightly bound and continue for a while (even to the end of marriages) in spite of scrutiny but the overwhelming majority appear not to.

I know from personal experience that YOU fear that exposing might pushaway even the betraying husband you have right now. BS, you deserve better. If he leaves you after exposure it is because he's having an affair, not because you exposed it.
he will be spiteful, mean as a snake and will say teh WORST fog ever in the aftermath, but thats just a reaction to the mortal wound inflicted on the affair.PLEASE read Worthatry's immortal Exposure 101 thread and learn the dynamics of exposure.

You must do it. Don't make me sic MelodyLane on you !

Hard times but you MUST empower yourself.

I know I may be in the minority here but I would start exposure with parents. Depending on your family dynamic, WW parents knowing what their daughter has been doing could end the A. WW seems to not be affected by disappointing you, how would she react to her parents disappointment (assuming there is some)?

What do you know about OM and his spouse? What would the reaction to exposure be? If OM wouldn't care one bit, I don't know. What I'm thinking is would he just say "Oh well, at least I have (your W)." If it would "rock his world", do it now.

Exposure, to me, is a tool to shatter the A. If the tool is used in the wrong way, it could have consequences you don't want. Use it the most effective way by putting it in the hands of those that will affect WW's behavior most.

Myself, exposure to WW parents effectively stopped the PA. When I became aware of the continued calls & msgs and confronted her, one of the first things she said was please don't tell her parents. There is now NC, I am sure of it. For my W it is to the point that the A is not worth the trouble. Funny, she should have thought about that in the beginning.