My WW is telling me that she wants to work on the M. She hasn't been with OM except at work. She says that she misses him.

She hasn't talked to OM about wanting to work on the M yet, but she says that she knows that if she wants to work on this, they can't even be friends. I told her that I worry that we will not get a chance to work on our M without OM in the picture. I told her that we can't get back the passion that she misses with him still in our lives. She says that she's scared.

I know each individual is different and each case is different. I don't know how long my WW is willing to give this a chance, or if she is willing to give us a chance -- her words have told me she is, her actions, though...

How long did it take you to notice "something" during the recovery process? I want to find out just so that she can have that "something" to keep her motivated.

I know that I'm jumping the gun here. I'm very hopeful that she will end contact with OM, but I can't afford to bet on it. I just want to try to set my expectations.

Also, were any of your A's exposed to your family? Did this make you want to end the M? Nothing is really "going on" with OM right now, so I don't want to push her away by exposing this. I just want to get her off the fence that it appears she is sitting on.

I was hopeful when she said she wanted to work on our M. Now I'm frustrated because she hasn't ended what little conversation her and OM are having. The roller-coaster ride continues...
Thanks for your time!

bump

How long before I noticed "something" during recovery?

About 4 months after the NC letter was written and 3 months after NC was firmly in place. Continued contact kills recovery. So do LBs. If my H would have known about LBs and avoided them, I might have noticed "something" sooner. But he was hurt, didn't have MB, and was doing what he could.

Nothing was exposed. I ended it and told H the same day. I called OM once about a month after that.

I wouldn't ask her "just give it six months" though. I made that promise to myself (I'll give this six months and see where the M is then) and all I did for quite a while was wait for my "sentence" to be over. What a waste of time.

Rykon, did yu expose to OPs spouse ?

If not , why not ?

Bob,

I haven't exposed this yet. The reason is that I'm afraid that she's close to making the decision to stay in the M and initiate NC. I'm afraid that by exposing this, it will push her away from me and away from wanting to work on our M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rykon:
<strong> Bob,

I haven't exposed this yet. The reason is that I'm afraid that she's close to making the decision to stay in the M and initiate NC. I'm afraid that by exposing this, it will push her away from me and away from wanting to work on our M. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rykon everyone is afraid of that and almost NO-ONE regrets exposing to the OP spouse.

WSs don't want space to work on the marriage, they want space to cake-eat. The best tool BS have to end affairs is exposure. That coupled with plan A has helped end many affairs and start recoveries on the best grounds.

If your WW chooses to leave you after you expose it is NOT because of exposure it is because shes HAVING AN AFFAIR.

By not exposing to OMs W you are enabling another man to SLEEP WITH YOUR WIFE and LAUGH AT YOU while you refuse to wield the best proven sword in your armoury - exposure.

He has absolutely EVERYTHING right now - sex with your wife at will, sex and support from his W at home , and the only person who knows and disapproves - you - is behaving impotently.

Is no part of you ANGRY enough to pour a bucket of TRUTH on this EVIL liason ?

I cannot guarantee exposure will drive your WW towards you, but I CAN guarantee you will live in fear and trepidation for the rest of your life if you do NOTHING to stop your wife's affair.

Are you satisfied with the shallow shadow of your W that you have right now, while the OM has all the sex, adoration and 'love' he need from her ? Or are you ANGRY enough to fight for her ?

I need to sic Melody Lane on you.

Bob,

Thanks for the kick in the pants. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Unfortunately, OM doesn't have a W. He was recently D because his W had multiple A's. If he was still married, I'd be on exposure to his wife like white on rice.

My hesitation first came when SH thought I should wait to expose. He wanted me to propose this "idea" that a H & W could find those lost feelings for eachother. This may be working, I don't know. I guess things are moving in the right direction, albeit very s-l-o-w-l-y.

Star*fish described for me the "Circles of Exposure". The next "circle" is her family. This would be a big one. She's still a child when it comes to them. She was even afraid to tell them that she got a tatoo recently because of what they might think. If I expose, it will be BIG. I just don't know if she's close to ending things with OM or not. If she is, I don't want to be so close and then push her away.

I don't want to sound like I'm not considering this, but right now, I feel like this is a "make-it-or-break-it" thing. I want to be sure that I do it without hurting anything.

By the way, Bob. Keep kicking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I need that right now.

I have read part of your story and we seem to be in similar situations. My dday was 9/11 so we might be going through our struggles in the same stages. What really caught my attention is what you said about W's parents. My W was the same way, please don't tell my parents. Best thing I ever did, they found out that night. In fact, my BIL his W, and my FIL stayed up with me all night helping me through it.

The PA stopped immediately. She has been living with parents for two months now with plans to return home in less than a week now. She did not honor NC commitment she made to me after dday, however. Being with her parents stopped any chance of PA. Between everyone in the family, I know where she is at 24/7 so there is no opportunity. The NC was tough to stop. It continued for couple weeeks after, when I found out, I confronted her and told her that was it, I wasn't putting up with any more lies ( I was a little more heated than that). She talked to BIL next day, he just told her what I told him, NC or I am gone. It seems to have worked so far.

The first week was like she was coming off drugs, I heard the "it's hard, I can't just stop my feelings, I can't just let go, you are like a roomate, love but not in love" crap just like you are hearing. Let it roll off your back, she's in fog and is basically freaking crazy right now.

This week is soooo much better. What I hear now is that she too is scared. Scared I won't forgive, scared she'll hurt me again, scared it won't work. We can work on that. Up until this past week all I heard was "I,Me,and My" from her. I once counted her saying them at least 20 times in 3 minutes. She is more responsive to me and actually holds her head in the air now. I still can't show any signs of affection, but I think it will get better each week.

Point is, Ws family was/is extremely instrumental in stopping the A, being a support system, giving tough love, and helping us get to this point. She intends to move back within week.

I do have to say that we have a 2yr old son and he was the glue that held us together in the first 1 1/2 months. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have even tried. I glad I am trying. I look forward to the future, it is a long way to go but I am feeling better each day.

Your W needs NC. Insist on that, nothing else will be acceptable. Her parents can help you with that if you expose her actions. Tell her that YOU BOTH need to tell her parents what is going on, make her take responsibility for her actions. It's Pavlovian, when she sees that her behavior has negative results, it will stop. Make it uncomfortable, unbearable. She will not leave you because I would bet her parents wouldn't support her in that decision...and I bet she needs her parents approval.

You can call this manipulative, whatever. You are not lying to her, only shining a bright light on her. She will resent you to start with, be prepared. She will have a "you are all against me attitude", that will pass as she starts to realize everything she has done.

Also take this time to work on yourself, you had to have had some part in this. I know I did. I know what kind of idiot I was. Hint...it was all the little things that just added up. Little things matter to women, I guess.

Bear,

Thanks for the reply. I'm glad to hear that this cleared the fog a bit. Our situations do sound very similar.

You mentioned "the little things". I don't know how much my W has mentioned to me since day one. I just don't know what those little things are and I'm trying to figure that out. I got "The 5 Love Languages" today, because I know what her love languages are. I'm hoping that this will help.

I'm waiting to hear what she is going to do about the OM and NC before I expose things to her family. I wish I had had the courage to expose this to them in the beginning. Now, I'm afraid it will look like revenge. However, I am still considering it, moreso now than I have before.

If I don't get an answer about NC in the next week or so, I'm going to go to them. It should make the holidays memorable I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Good luck to you Bear. Keep us posted on how things are going.

Sorry, it won't be revenge. Tell you what, give her the choice. She can either NC, or you will BOTH have sit down with her parents. Is this bullying? Maybe. But emphasize this is her choice. She is then responsible for the consequences. Forget that, just tell them.

I read you bio, earily similar. My W and I dated for 6 year on and off before M. In fact the mannerism with which you wite is similar with one exception. You let her walk out the door with the cell knowing what she was going to do. No freaking way would that happen with me. people are going to start calling me controlling now. Wrong, I gave my W too much freedom and it burned me. She wanted me to tell her no, stand up to her, etc. When I didn't, she thought I didn't care about us. Well I do care.

Take a stand, she will fight you, but she will respect you.

The little things. Watching shows she wants to watch, going to movies she wants to see, not leaving dirty dishes on the counter, picking up after yourself, showing her attention, talking to her even when it's hard too, get her gifts, little ones, just little acts of love and kindness. Think of it as a football game. 3 yards and a cloud of dust versus going for the bomb. Eventually you'll reach the endzone.

R & Bear, My situations is v. similar to both of yours.
My W cannot commit to NC, but I think she trys.
She said yesterday that she is worried she will be misserable with me.
Anyway, I have told her parents, family and frieds. They have had an influence, but she still hasn't made up her mind yet. She has lied plenty of times about not talking to OM to everyone. Sometimes after she talks to one of her aunts, she seems to have a better attitude toward our M. And things have gotten better since she started talking to people she looks up to that can talk to her civilly. Her mother usually chews her out.

It is something that you should really consider if she breaks NC again. Can it get any worse?

Guys, I prey that our pain goes away soon. I don't know how much more I can endure.

Good Luck!

SoNumb,

How long did you wait to expose after DDay? How long has it been since DDay?

NC was a must. My W called or txt OM for couple weeks after Dday. During that time we had decided to work it out but I saw no signs of progress. She admitted to me that it wasn't working because she wasn't trying. I knew then she had been talking to OM. I got proof (her cell phone retains dialed,received,missed calls, etc) and confronted her. Since that time I have seen quite a change, first miserable withdrawal, now appears to be getting better. This makes me believe she has stopped all contact. I still check her phone for calls to OM, txts to other friends for evidence, etc. Don't want to do it, just need confirmation. Maybe she will/has backslided, I don't see it.

SoNumb, W said she is worried she will be miserable with you. She is scared. She may want to come back but feels it is too hard/fearing the future. Maybe she wants to know it will be worth her while, better yourself and show her.

Her mother should chew her out, it is better than supporting "whatever decision she makes". If any "friend" gives her the "whatever makes you feel good" speech, they are not friends. Those that are hard and tell her to do the right thing are usually family, close friends, etc. She'll come around. My W gave me the old "support me whatever my decision is", that has stopped now, along with calling us "seperated". In retrospect I think she is looking to find a way back in, but trying to save face and not have to crawl back. My job is to let her come back. Insist on NC, it works, it is the first step.

I've read on here that one needs to negotiate NC by assuring spouse they will fill their needs. That only works when WS is receptive to the things you do, which isn't the case a lot of times. Little help here with this?

rykon,

As long as your wife is in constant ongoing & private contact with this OM then the A IS NOT Over.

Therefore since the A is ongoing (at least on an EN level) then you ARE NOT in Recovery.

Recovery / Healing cannot begin until the A is Over.
Sorry.

Top Rope,

Thanks for replying. I am not kidding myself and saying that we are in recovery... nosiree. I'm just looking ahead. If she chooses to go NC, I don't know how long she'll be able to do it. I want to find out how long it took to get something that kept them holding on or gave them hope.

I know that I've got a ways to go before recovery can happen, but I'm hoping that it's sooner rather than later.

I am not exactly sure what Dday is, if it is when I found out about here being attracted to someone else or when I found out that she has had sex with OM. Either way, I told her mother what I found out when I found out. Also, what is EA and PA?

She is mostly afraid her feelings for him won’t fade and her feelings for me won’t come back. And I assure her she will be happy again with me.

We had a big blow out last night. WW is in sale so she is in her car most of day on her cell. So I put a recorder in the car. When I listened to it last night I heard her talking to OM. Then I confront her then she denies it. I finally get it out of her. She says she tries, but cant resist talking to him. After discussing that for a while, we get into car with the boys and I see her cell there. So I grab it and start looking at outgoing, incoming, etc. All this time she is telling me to give it back to her (she was mad). The I call to check her messages… she flips. Tells me its over, I want you out, etc. So she pulls over and starts grabbing for the cell. I won’t let go. She starts hitting, slapping, and clawing. I’m saying , what are you doing, what is wrong with you, stop it, the kids are seeing all this (they were crying in the back seat). So, I climb into the back seat to get away from her. She gives up and goes to the movie store. I stay in car and call her mother to come over there (she lives v. close). So, he mother comes and WW tells her that I pushed her and she hit her head etc. He mother new better and tells WW that she is making big mistake. WW then tells me she wants D. MIL wants to drive me back home, so I did. When WW and boys show up, the S4 comes and hugs me and cries. WW come in demanding cell phone, so I give it to her then she goes of with MIL. Her aunt calls and talks to her while she is gone – gives her an ear full. When she gets back, we say nothing and I go to sleep in other room w/s4. At 6am I go in room to take shower she says, come here, she then hugs me say she is sorry, she loves me, and she doesn’t want a D. We lay together for a little while hugging.

That damn cell phone was the problem to begin with.

I don’t know what to do to get her away from OM. I know she wants to, but doesn’t know how. I have insisted on NC plenty of times, but she continuously breaks it. I don’t know what to do. I like most of us.

Sometimes, I think the only way they will see what they have done, is when it’s too late.

R- If NC fails again, I would defiantly expose. Maybe you should at least threaten it now. I don’t know.

R-How did you put your story in your signature?

SoNumb,

Wow. I'm sorry that you're still dealing with this. I don't know how I'd react if she told me there was NC and there actually was.

DDay is the day that you found out about the A. EA is Emotional Affair and PA is Physical Affair.

My WW cell phone is also the problem. Before I found out (DDay), I had caught her hiding her phone a few times. I think that she was messaging OM. I don't know her security code on the phone, so I don't know how often she talks to him. She mentioned last night that she wants to send paperwork in on an adoption that we had talked about for a while. I asked her if she was going to talk to OM about NC. She said that she was. She also said that she wasn't about to go through the process of adoption if she didn't think that we could be happy again. I'm hoping that this is a good sign.

Are you two in MC (marriage counseling)? Would she be open to going? We've gone twice. The second time, the MC asked if there was someone else in either of our situations. My W said that there was. He told her that there is nothing that can be done to help the situation until she has ended contact with OM. I'm hoping that we can go back soon -- when NC has happened.

You can go into the profiles section to edit your signature. I used the "Instant UBB Code" buttons -- you see them when you create or reply to a post -- to create the URL for my signature.

I wish you well. Keep me posted on how things are going. I'll be praying for you.