My H still isn't "officially" moved home yet but has been staying here for a few weeks. He stopped paying rent at his apt but hasn't had time to pick up the rest of his stuff. He's starting to open up a little, and it is hard to hear about the truth when it hurts SO MUCH, but I'm working really hard to thank him for his honesty and not lovebust. We've started counselling with Steve Harley. Right now I'm busting my butt to follow the rule of protection. I slip up sometimes, but overall I've been amazingly self-restained. <P>Here's my problem: HOW DO I KEEP UP THE DESIRE TO BE MARRIED TO MY H WHEN MY LOVEBANK IS EMPTY??? <P>He left on a business trip this past week on short notice. This is a big issue for us that hasn't yet been addressed (but will be), and I feel very abandoned when he takes off and has a good time and can barely even remember to call home! He got home thurs eve but I've pretty much been responsible for the kids on my own since he got back. Today was full of fun activities, but I found myself wanting to be alone. I couldn't stand the way he was complaining, passing judgement, making demands, and being umpleasant in general. My H was lovebusting, and as soon as he started I got so angry I started lovebusting too! I stopped and apologized, but then it would happen again! By the end of the day I had gotten a hold of myself and wasn't lovebusting, but I became very withdrawn. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted to be away from him. There's nothing in my heart but hate for him. He deposited a few love units by stopping to get me coffee and dessert (which he knows I love but he doeesn't like to spend money on) at the end of the eve, but promptly withdrew them when we got home after I hadn't completely warmed up to him yet. <P>He told me fri morn that he wants to start looking for another job, which I was delighted about. He got the news that afternoon that his position is being moved to NC. The company has made him an attractive offer to move, but I don't want to. He doesn't know what he wants to do. Right now, I feel like telling him to go, I'll stay here. But I'm keeping my mouth shut!<P>I'm off to sleep on the couch... I have no desire to be anywhere near him. And yet, I'm mad at HIM for the fact the I'm spending the weekend "alone." Make sense??<P>Lizbeth<P>p.s. I've been following some of y'all's (is that a word?) posts, just haven't had the heart to respond! I have no advice to give, and tire of my constant complaining.<P>

Thank you, Stonehenge, for reminding me to be thankful. I remember those lonely days and nights when I prayed for another chance at this marriage. Here he is, trying to love me. I need to keep pluggin' away at that rule of protection even when I don't want to. Now that I think about it, Steve Harley recommended I figure out some way to motivate myself to keep up the actions even when I'm not feeling committed. Now I understand why. I need to come up with a short motto or phrase that will remind me that the feelings will come later, and we will address our problems one at a time. <P>I'm going to go cry on my H's shoulder...

Lizbet,<P>This is tough advise, but I did it and it panned out for me....<P>Fake it!!!!!!<P>Reach down to that part of you that loves that man and pull out all the stops. Make him glad to be there. Kiss him for ten seconds a day. I mean that literally. Time it. Tell him it is an exercise to rewarm the synapses that have not been used much lately. If you have agreed to make the marriage work, how can he object. The kiss does not have to go anywhere else, but for those ten seconds a lot will be happening in your body chemistry. Trust me.<P>It does not matter what time of day, how you feel at the moment or what. Just demand a TEN Second Kiss EVERYDAY. He does not want you getting that anywhere else, and you don't don't want him to get it anywhere else, and you BOTH need it. Think of it as 10 seconds of your day that you are guarenteed respite from all negative bullshot. Ten seconds during which you are connected to the most important thing in your life. So do it for yourself and EACH Other. I mean it.<P>Let me know if it works.