I have a good friend whose wife had cheated on him a year ago. After 3 mo of seperation she came back to him and told him she had an A. He took her back. Now a year later, she is still involved w/OM.

She is good friends with my WW and they talk to each other about their M and OM. Also, I beleive that my friends Wife may have influenced my WW to do what she has done(misery loves company).

They have 3 young children, and he has no idea, and I don't know what to do?

He is your GOOD friend???

And you wonder if you should tell him??

Change it around and think if he knew your wife was cheating on you, and he kept quiet.

I think you should tell him!

IMHO

k

First things first, is your WW still seeing the OM? What steps have you taken to ensure that your WW's affair is over, such as sending a no contact letter from your wife to the OM and total honesty?

As for your WW's friend, she does not sound like much of a friend to me. She is justifying her actions by dragging your wife into the mix. You have an obligation to let her husband know about his WW's affair. You can send a letter with no return address, or simply call him and tell him about what is going on.

Ask yourself what you would want if the shoe was on the other foot and he knew about the affair and you did not.

First, my wife says she will TRY to stop talking to OM. Will she? I don't know, but she has failed 2 or 3 other times.

Anyway, how come everyone I talk to says not to tell him b/c of the kids. Also, I don't want my WW to know I told him, It could set us back even farther. Remember, they have 3 young children.

I really want to let him know, but I don't want to be the one to tell him. Or maybe I could send a letter to her parents.

SoNumb,

Tell him, in person, not annonymously.

He needs a friend right now. You have a chance to be there for him - not only to be the bearer of bad news, but the help him bear the pain and find his way in the dark.

Years from now, he'll still be your friend.

If you don't tell him, years from now he'll still be shunning you because you didn't tell him.

-AD

By chosing not to tell him about his WW continued contact you are willingly allowing yourself to become a part of the conspiracy of silence that is being perpetrated by his WW and your own WW against him. Would you want this to be done to you if you were in his shoes?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SoNumb:
<strong>

Anyway, how come everyone I talk to says not to tell him b/c of the kids. Also, I don't want my WW to know I told him, It could set us back even farther. Remember, they have 3 young children.

. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They advise you not to tell because they are moral cowards. Our society is full of them.

Imagine that your neighbor's bookkeeper is embezzling money from him. Would you not tell him because you "don't want to hurt him?" Wouldn't that be an inane idea?

So why in the world do people apply a different standard to adultery?

I have always suspected that some adulterer made up that rule because it is so utterly deviod of reason and logic and is never applied to any other crime.

SoNumb - You have two very disttinct problems to deal with.

1. Your wife's continued contact with OM. You need to be clear about one thing here. As much as your friends wife "may have" influenced her, the blame lays soley and squarely on your wifes shoulders for her actions. No one put a gun to her head. You need to start / continue work fixing your M using the MB principles.

2. RE; Your freinds wife. - You need to tell. You may actually be saving your friends marriage (and sanity )in the long run. By nipping her A in the bud early you give them a much greater chance or sorting things out (this applies equally to you).
You may be able to offer your friend advice and bring him here to MB with you. You can explain all the things that you have learned and tat this does not spell the end of his M. Far from it, it may help make it better and stronger. Stop deluding yourself that turning a blind eye will help. If you knew your friend had cancer and he didn't know, would you not tell him so he has a chance to get treatment very early rather than when he is on his death bed? this is no different!!!

Please get both of you help quickly!!!

<small>[ November 01, 2004, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]</small>

I think you should do one of two things:

1) Tell him, whether directly or anonymously.

2) Confront her, and tell her that you know. If she asks how you found out, don't tell her that. Tell her that she must confess to her husband within three days or you'll tell him.

Several of my friends did a variant of method 2. Two of them got TBXWW over to my best friend's house on a pretext, told her what they knew, and told her it had to stop. She went white as a sheet and asked how they knew, and they refused to tell her. That was a good step -- she couldn't then contact the source of the info and spin her way out of it. She knew she was caught, and that eventually she'd have to come clean to me because, if she didn't, I'd find out from my friends.

Let me give you a quick run down on what's going on with me.

I moved back in oct 15 (she didn't ask me)we had SF on 17th and 23rd (tried other times, but she didn't want to). I really wanted to give her space, but its hard when you are hugging in bed at night.

Anyway, the first week I was back she told me she is breaking it off with him. The next week she began talking to him again. I found out by placing a recorder in car. Not only did she talk to him, but they met for lunch and other things. When I confronted her w/o revealing the recorder, she lied. But I finally got her to admit talking to him again. We both saw a priest last Wed, then I heard her talking to friends WW. First, they were talking about friends WW sexual relations with her OM. Then my WW said that she started her A again. Last friday, she tells me that she has told him to leave her alone and that she will tell me if she talks to him again and she will end M.

I had told her that we have a resposibility to our boys to give them the best life possible, and that I am not going to give up on them; therefore, I won't file. That is her job.

I also told her that we can be happy again. She is afraid if she comes back to M, then will still want to be w/OM, and she will still be unhappy.

We have both scheduled IC appointments. We both really need it.

Now, if I tell good friend about his WW, It will definatly cause problems w/ me and my WW. I don't think our M can afford that right now. I also think my friend will not stay in his M if he found out.

I was thinking about letting friens WW's OM's Wife know annonymously. But that would take some investigating.

Thanks for your replies.

My somewhat short story

is there a way you could plan a way for him to find out on his own. Also if your marriage is that fragile that you would let your friend continue down the road blind alone when you could be his eyes- what kind of a friend are you?

On the side, I think i would rather of continued to be blind to the A- I would rather of never known, it would have hurt less... However I would have been hurt if it came out later and I was the last too know...

I guess I am still no help- sorry

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SoNumb:
<strong>

Now, if I tell good friend about his WW, It will definatly cause problems w/ me and my WW. I don't think our M can afford that right now. I also think my friend will not stay in his M if he found out.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SoNumb, Plan A does not mean that you do not ever make the WS mad. This is not the WS Appeasement program. You can't sacrifice principles for fear she might be mad. Yes, your marriage can afford some temporary potential anger. Nor does she have any grounds for being angry. How could she possibly defend getting mad about that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also think my friend will not stay in his M if he found out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this is even more reason to tell him. If you think he would want to leave the marriage, then he should be given the facts so that he CAN LEAVE. He has a RIGHT to make that choice. He is not someone's pet, not someone's chattel. He has a RIGHT to decide for himself if he would want to stay or go. No one else has the right to make that decision for him!

Withholding those facts from him, knowing he would want to leave, is downright cruel. If you are his real friend, you will warn him that he is being destroyed behind his back. A real friend will do the hard stuff and do what it takes to protect his friend.

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

One more thing, I am also afraid that if they do get D then, my wife may want to also; since, she will have a friend to go through it with. Again, misery loves company.

Thanks again,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SoNumb:
<strong> One more thing, I am also afraid that if they do get D then, my wife may want to also; since, she will have a friend to go through it with. Again, misery loves company.

Thanks again, </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SoNumb, if your wife is so easily influenced from peer pressure, then she was already gone.

You just can't let fear be your guiding power when it comes to principles. Pinciples should not be sacrificed for hypothetical fears.

If you don't want to tell then give her the option.

TEll her if she don't then you will ! Give her a day then ,,, go for it ..

And he may stay with her witch in turn will show your wife M's can over come this ..

SoNumb,

Fear or not, you cannot control your WW's actions, so it is pointless to let fear dominate your actions. If your WW threatens to divorce you the best thing you can say to her is along the lines of the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I love you with all my heart but I cannot be an accessory in the conspiracy of silence and marital treachery of another marriage. If you wish to divorce me, I cannot stop you but whether you stay or go, I still have to live with my conscience"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you tell her this, you will be showning her that you are a man of courage and convictions. People respect people who are not cowed by threats.

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I understand what all of you are saying, but put really put yourselves in my shoes.
My wife is try NC. She told her mother today that OM tried calling, but she didn't answer. I can tell she is really going through withdrawals, and I don't want to set her off track again. She may be looking for a reason. She is v. attached to OM.

If it is found that I was the one to tell him, then that hurts my M. My boys will always come first, but I do want him to know. But How?

What if I get someone to call him(*67) and tell him to watch his wife.

SoNumb - Can someone "anonymously" contact your friend and tell him that they saw his WW and and the OM together. This happened to a friend of mine and it was enough to blow the A out of the water. They never knew who it was, but it freaked the OM and so much that it killed the A. The OM's spouse should be contacted as well.

It really needs to be done, even if it's from a distance..

Yes, an anonymous contact or letter informing the BH that his WW is still cheating on him would certainly put him on the alert and just might make his WW realize that she can no longer fool him and either get serious about NC or proceed to end her marriage.

IMO, this is the best way:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by reservoirdog1:
2) Confront her, and tell her that you know. If she asks how you found out, don't tell her that. Tell her that she must confess to her husband within three days or you'll tell him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If she doesn't confess, tell him face to face (for you are good friends, right?)


I would do that in front of your W!

Anything else (mentioned above) would be cowardish, and I don't know a woman who likes that kind of guy...


PS: Calculating how much telling truth to a good friend might be bad for your M... does that tell you something more... about friendship, above mentioned moral, being able to be yourself in your M...?)