Hello,

Where do I begin. This is my first post.
I guess my first question is what is the definition of an affair?

My husband and I have been married for 13 years. Both 2nd marriages. We have two children, 23 and 18 from past marriages. These marriages were with abusive spouses. I cannot believe that I am even writing you , because we were soul mates and were madly in love with each other. Friends, family and neighbors would all comment on us "Honeymooners" and we felt very lucky and blessed. My husband has always been very giving - flowers, romantic cards, etc. And I felt that I was as well.

Over the past two years I went through a depression due to our son being overseas in the military, my loss of a job, the death of my Mom and the worry of losing my Dad due to the loss of my mom/and then him dating his old high school sweetheart.

During this time I was not capable of recognizing that I had pulled away from my husband. I was so emotionally empty and I was expecting him to fill me up. At the same time he began to feel unloved, not valued, and even felt that I hated him thus he began to pull away from me. Also my husband is younger than I by 7 years and he has begun to question his mortality and the fact that we will not be having any more children - this has began to really bother him.

Within the past 8 mos. I began to feel that something was really wrong between us and kept asking him if all was ok. His reply was always yes, because he did not want to hurt me re: sharing how he was feeling. I became frantic as I could sense that we were heading for a cliff and I felt that we were vulnerable for an affair. Which I would have never thought I would ever think that because we loved each other so much.

On Aug 14th., 04 - My husband finally told me that he was Not in Love with me anymore and he was longing to be loved and to feel that passion again and that he was too young to go through life empty like he had been. I then shared how I was feeling, but felt there was more to his story and asked if there was anyone else in the picture. He said No, but he had been thinking about it.

On Sept. 11th, 04- I began to do research on the web and came across the MB web site. I ordered the His Needs/Her Needs, Love Busters kit and I shared with my hubs that it was coming and I thought it would be a good idea for us to work on together.
It came and I could not get him to work on it with me, because he kept saying he needed to just get over his feelings on his own.
I went ahead a began reading the books. (I did get him to do the Needs assessment, but we were unable to talk about it because it was so emotional.)
I kept on him that we were in trouble and we needed to do something to protect our marriage.

On Oct. 23rd, 04 - I kept asking my husband very pointed questions and he finally told me that he was in love with a woman from his company and that he had been having these feelings since June, but that he had not shared them with her until Sept. She travels with the company to come in for special presentations. She lives in another state is married and has two small children.
He told me that just recently he had the opportunity to have a sexual encounter with her, but could not do it because he still loved me and he hated the thought of being unfaithful. So he came home.
The following week they were traveling together and talked allot about how much they loved each other. They kissed and discussed how wonderful it would be to make love - but he swears he did not, because he just could not because he still loved me and the guilt.
I moved out.

Oct. 26th, 04 - He met with her and called it off. I had moved out and he asked me to please come home to allow him to talk with me. He cried all night for the loss of her and the loss of us. He said that he was sorry for allowing it to go this far, but that at least he came home and was not unfaithful and did not have an affair.

Oct. 28th, 04 - I moved home. He promised to not see her, she does not have to be the one to come in for these presentations so he changed her to another region. He said that he wanted to get back to where we were and to do what ever it took to work this out.

Oct. 29th, 04 - I was to pick up my husband up at an airport in another state where we were going to be with our son for the weekend. During my drive I came across a CD in his car that she had made for him and all the songs were about love, lust and etc. What a blow... I then found out that he had called her to see if she was at the airport he was flying out of and arranged to meet in the lobby. He said it was to get over the 1st mtg. uncomfortableness that they may experience if they were to see each other at corporate meetings. I was devastated that he contacted her and felt betrayed again. He continued to say that it was over and he was committed to us.. Needless to say it was a very uncomfortable weekend.

Now all I want to do is check up on him. I took his phone to research the call log to see if he had called her any other times that that Friday. However, I could not find her plugged into his phone and he caught me so I asked where her name was stored and he said that he deleted it that Friday because it was over...

I continue to talk and ask him allot of questions about how they met, where they met up together, where they kissed. I then asked him to make sure no more surprises re: CD, notes and etc. He said that he was so sorry that he forgot that was in his CD player and that there was not anything else.
I also asked him for complete and open honesty from now on. And he read some of the chapters in His Needs Her Needs book.

However, during our talks he shares with me that he is still in love with her and that he is going through withdrawals, I don't know how to handle this. He says that he feels like he is the problem and he thinks about suicide, but we have promised not to do this because it would destroy our parents.

He also stated that I should forgive him because he did not have an affair or was not unfaithful.. But I feel differently.
I told him I am so glad that he did not go ALL the way and cross that line, however he still betrayed me and lied to me and he kissed someone else and talked about sex - thus I felt that he has been unfaithful to our marriage and I am angry.

I have been reading the chapters in your books re: how to get over infidelity, but he says that this does not apply to him because they did not have sex...

I have begun to go to a counselor, but I do not believe that he thinks they same way as I do and says that husband should not tell me things that would hurt me because that is a form of emotional abuse..

Husband wants to go to counseling, but not sure who to go to.

Where do we go from here?????????????

HELP... We really do want to save our marriage..

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: greenbean ]</small>

GreenBean,

In my opinion, an affair is defined as the giving of yourself - body, thoughts, mind, focus - constitutes an affair. Here on MB if he didnt have sex, it would be called an emotional affair. However, I would be skeptical about whether they had sex or not. My H tried to say they had sex once...well that was a lie.
Continue to read the books, and talk. He seems willing to work on your marriage. But you should insist on NO CONTACT with her at all. You cant work on your relationship if OW is still in the picture.

Hope that helps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Greenbean.

I'm sorry that you are where you are at. But, this is a great place to be when you're in this situation.

This is definitely an A (affair). Very generally speaking, there are two kinds of A's: An EA (Emotional Affair) and a PA (Physical Affair). Just because your husband didn't have sex with this woman, doesn't mean that an affair didn't happen. If I tell a woman other than my wife that I am madly in love with her and want to have sex with her, and this is what I truly feel in my heart, I have had an emotional affair. I have robbed my wife of those intimate emotions and feelings that I promised her on our wedding day.

I don't know what your religious background is, but you might want to read Matthew 5:28. Jesus said that if anyone looks at a person of the opposite sex with lust, we have already committed adultery. While this isn't something that you want to use to throw at him, you can see that from a Christian standpoint, an affair has occurred.

Dr. Harley has a good article on this site called "What Is An Affair". You might want to take a look at this.

You probably shouldn't use any of these things to "prove" to your H that he had an A. I'll leave that to the more experienced folks here.

As far as the checking. I know what you're going through. It's hard and stressful. If there is anyway that you can get yourself to stop, even just part of the time, do it. I became an absolute emotional wreck -- even moreso than usual -- when I would drive by the OM's house to see if my W was there. I've come to accept the fact that my checking on things only hurts me and doesn't necessarily stop the A. I'll be praying for you. It's rough, but you are a lot stronger than you think. You'll get through this.

Katie - thanks for the reply.
I want so bad to believe my husband re: the no sexual act, but how will I ever really know?

I asked him just last night again, that he could feel safe in laying all the cards on the table. He said that he has and that he has told me everything. I asked again specifically re: sex and he said no. He came home before that happened and that that should show me that he really does love me.

I understand the no contact and he has said that he will not. However, he said that in the future that he might be at the corporate office (which is in a different state) and that she may be there for one of the meetings he would have to attend.
What should my response be?

Also I have read in Dr. Harley's stuff that the H of the OP should be contacted. Is this correct?
My understanding from my H is that he is abussive to her physically (this was one of the things they talked about in the beginning). I am afraid if he were to find out from someone other than her he may hurt her. Per my H she was suppose to tell him so that they could work on their marriage as well.

My husband is willing now to go through Dr. Harley's books, etc. however, re: the steps to take after infidility - is hard to get him to read since he does not feel that this applies...

Any suggestions. How do you keep from being consumed with this?

greenbean,
I am very sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. What your H is having is an affair. An affair is not defined only by sexual relations, but by a romantic emotional attachment. He had an affair no matter how he tries to spin it.

But, it doesn't matter if he wants to call it a baloney sandwich, it is very destructive and the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. I am sure he would like to minimize it by denying it is an affair, but it is what it is.

I would suggest that you back off from trying to educate him right now. That often pushes them away and you need all the help you can get while he is going through withdrawal. Just take it easy.

I would also suggest that you - ON YOUR OWN - contact the OW's H. This is probably the single most important thing you can do to save your marriage and ensure the end of the affair. This is insurance that the affair won't resume. Exposing the affair to her H will help ensure that the affair does not resume because you will have 2 people watching them instead of 1. It also causes great conflict and embarrassment in the affair, which leads to its demise. If you help her keep her secret, she is free to pursue your H unabated. Keeping her secret helps HER and works against you.

It is very important that you don't tip your hat and tell your H you are going to call OWH. If you do this, you might as well not tell the OWH because most likely she will get to him first and spin the story to portray you as some jealous nut who has fantasized an affair. You will have thrown away all your insurance and ensured that the OWH never knows the truth if you forewarn your H.

Don't believe the nonsense about his "abusiveness," it is most likely a lie. They all say that to buy your silence. We hear this story every day around here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greenbean:
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Any suggestions. How do you keep from being consumed with this? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't. But it is better to come here and talk to us than continually unload your feelings on your H. Vent to us, ok? Your feelings are perfectly normal and you are looking at 12-18 months to recover.