This is my first post here.

I cheated on my wife after 5 months of marriage while on a Business trip. I got caught, denied it and eventually admitted to it only because I knew I was caught and was trying everything not to lose her.

That was almost 5 years ago.
Over the course, we have had our ups and downs.
Last Summer (2003), she found some internet ads I had taken out when we were engaged.

I had completely forgot about them, although I am not sure I would have told her aboout them even if I had rememebered.

I never met or even talked to anyone from those ads, but as you can guess it basically removed alot of the trust I was building back over the years. She doesn't believe that I never met anyone from those ads, and rightfully so. I don't think I would believe me either.

I guess I was expecting our issues to fix themselves.

On top of all that, The last few months I have become withdrawn and have completely taken her love for granted. I stopped communicating, spent more time in front of laptop than with her, and didn't even really try to initiate intimacy.

I know my priorities were fubared and the thing is that now I can see that.

I love my wife very much, and I always think about her when I am at work or driving home in the car. Then I get home and I can feel her pain and issues but ignore them and resign myself to do nothing and say nothing, because they are unpleasant and critical of myself.

I become more withdrawn and she becomes more depressed. I also have intimacy issues, not because I dont think my wife is beautiful, more to do with not feeling comfortable with the possibility of rejection for that instance.

Another of the big problems in myh relationshipp with my wife (and everyone else), is that I let the smallest most trivial things completely ruin my day, which I in turn carry with me and take out on the woman I love.

For example, If someone cuts me off on the highway on the way home, I get so pissed off that when I get home, all I do is ***** and moan about the 'idiot' that cut me off and all the things that are wrong with the world.

Or perhaps I cannot find my ID badge, belt or phone in the morning before work. I mutter and curse and basically angrily seek out attentions so she will feel compelled to help me look, instead of just asking her to help or looking for myself.

I was never like this. I used to be the perpetual optimist, happy to be rid of my aweful childhood and thankful for the positives in my life.

Anyway, we went to a Costume party on Halloween.
And she ended up getting very drunk. There was a misunderstanding, and I got agitated and yelled at her on the way home. We got home and she called her mom to come and get her.

She called her mom and asked her to come pick her up, she wanted out for the night. This happened as she was telling me that she was very unhappy with our relationship. She then asked me to call her mom and tell her she is just drunk, that everything is OK and she is sorry for disturbing her. Which I did.

What I didn't know was that everytime I went upstairs to get her a water or something, she would call her mom and ask for help again.

Her mom ended up showing up at our house with 2 of her mom's friends and I freaked out. I didn't understand why she was here when I thought we told her everything was OK and not to come.

My wife ended up leaving with her mom, and I said some nasty, hateful things to her mom in the process. After they left, I called her dad, because I have no family of my own and I knew he would talk with me. (her parents are recently divorced).

Her dad and one of her sisters ended up getting involved and it resulted in a very big mess.

I have made some amends with her mom since then, but now both her sisters are very pissed at her mom for getting involved. I had initially told her Sister and Dad that her mom showed up here for no reason, because that is what I thought. I didn't know my wife had called her. I have since admitted to everyone that I was wrong in my claims.

My wife told me on Halloween (before her mom came) that she was sick of the relationship and wanted out. She said she had kissed some man she met in a bar while out with her mom the week before. Tonight, she is sleeping at her mom's because she said they had some work to frop off at a client for approval. She called me this afternoon at work to tell me that she had planned to meet the man she kissed the other week, but now she isn't going to and is going to go to a different place. She said, do you see how bad this is that I would makeout with a married man because he made me feel better than I have felt in years.

Tonight I sit here and wonder where she is, if she is ok, if she is with another man.

I realize that I have alot of issues, and that I never dealt with any of our previous issues.

I was looking for the quick fix before and not really do deal with anything that was critical of myself. That mentality completely changed when she left with her mom the other night.

I thought this time she was gone for good, and it made me realize many things.

I want to work this out with my wife, I love her immensly and I am sincerely ready to deal with our issues from my past affair and trust issues, as well as deal with my intimact issues.

Life is too short to be living in fear of myself and in denial of my own past. This time I really want to address all the issues and build a lasting marriage, regardless of how critical my past is on myslef.

I am sick of letting the stupid things ruin my day and my life. I am sick of being afraid to tell my wife that I think she is beautiful and spend real time with her.

We have our first councelling appointment on Friday, she is staying here again, but she says she doesn't know for how long, or if she realy wants to stay. She says she has zero faith left in me.

This time I want to prove to her in actions, not tell her how much I can change. I just hope she can give me the time to show her.

I am ready to be a man and take responsability for my actions and also to open up and show my wife how much she is really loved everyday.

I hope she can somehow know I am sincere and am done being the opinionated, grumpy, cold and juvenile person I had become.

<small>[ November 02, 2004, 11:37 PM: Message edited by: NeedToGrow ]</small>

NeedToGrow,

Admitting what you have done wrong is the first step. Now you have to ammend her.

I would also get individual counseling for anger & possibly other baggage that you bring to your M.

-rh-

N2G...Welcome to MB...You're already on the right track: you've admitted this all to your W; you KNOW you have to work on some things yourself; and you're here.

You've already said a few things I was going to respond with. Mainly, you need to follow up these words with actions. (Have you expressed everything in your post, with your wife?) And you've already started--MC on Friday.

She says there is zero left in her? She wouldn't have agreed to MC with you then! Keep the faith, n2g.

There's lots here for you to read. HNHN. And just as an observation, from what you posted, in addition to MC, you need to take care of this anger thing too.

Keep posting...it's been a little crazy around here lately, but, there's even more of a compassion and plethera of understanding that may give you some insight.

BTW, any children?

Best wishes to you and your W.

You sound similar to my husband, soon to be ex.
However unlike him you are contrite and want to make things better. Frankly I have come to believe that things can change for the better even when they seem most dire. I might venture that you should keep the family clear of your problems. Have a private marriage, go to counseling and really be honest about your feelings or it won't work. At least you sound sane. That's a plus. Also you sound like a hard working man and that stress pushes you to do things you should not. Learn to deal with the stress and anger in your own heart and then you might clear a path to see her needs better.

Hey NTG!

Just "checking up" on ya. How are you doing today?

Hi Need -

Having just gotten the courage to start posting myself, I would like to welcome you to the board.

I have a couple of thoughts:


I was looking for the quick fix before and not really do deal with anything that was critical of myself.

You sound an awful lot like my husband. Somehow facing the problems within himself are so very threatening that he'd rather watch me struggle on in pain.

Or perhaps I cannot find my ID badge, belt or phone in the morning before work. I mutter and curse and basically angrily seek out attentions so she will feel compelled to help me look, instead of just asking her to help or looking for myself.

I think you and my husband are twins!!

Then I get home and I can feel her pain and issues but ignore them and resign myself to do nothing and say nothing, because they are unpleasant and critical of myself.

Sigh. Yep - I've been on the receiving end of that. It is debilitating to be ignored.


I feel for you. It's a tough place to be in. I watch my husband struggle. I see how tough it is for him to be vulnerable. It's rough.

I think MC is great idea, but I would urge you to consider IC as well. My husband went to MC (kicking and screaming) with the idea that unless I put 100% effort into fixing everything (even if he was 95% of the problem) that he wouldn't even try. Well. That was pretty offputting.

However, I eventually walked out of MC. I didn't feel core issues were being addressed - core issues on his part. To his ongoing credit, he continued, and I have seen steady improvement.

She says she has zero faith left in me.

I think your wife and I are twins! I said that to my husband many times. I had reason to. It wasn't until he was ready to admit that I really did have reasons that he got down to basics.

Good for you.

Nanci

Need -

Just to clarify - my husband did not have an affair. I'm the one that wanted to have one - but didn't go through with it.

Nanci